melissag - update

[melissag]

I have been taking a little break from the boards, just trying to offer support here and there, but not posting too much on my own thread. Thought I'd just do a quick update.

Things are going well with GALing and kids. Still working on myself in IC. Exercising, having lunch/coffee/drinks with friends, etc. I took the kids to Florida for spring break and we had a great time hanging out on the beach, roasting s'mores over a bonfire, fishing (we didn't catch anything but my kids each got to drive the boat!). My S8 threw out the first pitch at an MLB game last week - he ran out to the mound, wound up, and threw a strike all the way to the plate. I was so impressed with his confidence even through all this turmoil. His birthday was yesterday and we had a fun time, despite H's absence. Both kids started therapy - D9 doesn't want to talk but it's obvious there is a lot going on underneath so I hope she does open up eventually.

H continues to make this D as difficult as humanly possible (most recently depositing his paycheck into his own separate account, leaving me without enough money to pay the bills), while still blaming me for everything and taking responsibility for nothing. He fights me on almost every issue, and insists on hiring expert witnesses because he thinks they will help him "win," then complains about how much money we are spending on legal fees . . . all my fault, of course. He says that (b/c I filed), I am making him miserable - according to him, he is watching his career, professional relationships and life savings all get flushed down the toilet and he is very angry with me about it. I won't go on about all the crap he says; suffice it to say that if my H nicks himself with his razor when shaving in the morning, it is most likely my fault.

I still have trouble getting upset when I get the manipulative, accusatory, blaming, BS emails from my H, but I have figured out a few ways to help keep me on track. Now when I get an email from him, I print it out and promptly cross out all of the non-factual information with a sharpie. Then, whatever is left is what is what I need to respond to. Unless it has to do with kids day to day stuff, I generally forward on to my lawyer.

We started a new parenting time schedule, only because I reached out to him to offer him more time with the kids (he was content refusing to agree to any of my proposals giving him more time, and then accusing me of refusing to let him see the kids - ??). This is the first week they will be with him 4 nights. M, W, F, and S. Both kids have expressed concerns about it (D9 thinks she spent enough time with H before, and doesn't want to increase it, and S8 is concerned that he will miss me too much), so we will see how it goes.

My H hired a PRE (well, we jointly hired a PRE - it was on his insistence but we wanted to have a say in who was appointed), so we will now have to go through that whole invasive process. I have done a lot of soul searching, as I think that it will be expensive (about $15k), but worse, I think it will be hard on my kids, not to mention on me. But, I still feel strongly that my H should not have 50/50 parenting time with them, so I will go forward with it.

On the plus side, my new convertible has reached port in Oxnard, CA, and will soon be on a truck headed toward CO! The grass is green, the days are longer, I am going to bring out my patio furniture this week. Baseball is in full swing, summer is coming, and all of that makes me H-A-P-P-Y!

Our permanent orders hearing for our D is set for July 1/2 (oh yes, my H is being so antagonistic that we had to set a two day trial - ugh). I am hoping that once that is done, I can enjoy the rest of my summer. My L tells me that my H isn't likely to get any nicer after the D is final (esp. if he does not get what he wants), but at least he won't be texting me asking if he can come pick up a particular set of coasters, and blasting me for "unfairly" splitting up baseball tickets, etc.

6.5 months out from BD. I am much stronger now. I am really getting used to living here without my H. I feel more myself than I have been in years - I have my confidence back (for the most part, I still don't entirely trust myself), and I have been able to be there for my kids (be strong for them, have fun with them, and help them to adjust as best I can), which is the most important to me. Still i have a lot of grieving left to do. I will need to get a job soon and I am not sure where I am going with that. I will almost certainly need to sell the house and move somewhere new, so that is scary and sad for me. I feel that my life is still a mess, but not an out-of-control mess. I have my work cut out for me, so I will continue to march along, one foot in front of the other. And hopefully I will look up one day and realize I am right where I want to be.

[Wonka]

Hey M!!!

You're sounding much stronger these days and it's to be celebrated. I'm real proud of you, baby.

Now, you went ahead and had a bonfire without inviting me??! Gotta fix that.

I think, as you well know by now, the key is to let your L handle D and financials on your behalf. You are in good legal hands here. I like your L. Your H doesn't realize nor see that all of the "damage" is mostly self-inflicted. What a silly, delusional man. The consequences will be what life will teach him after D is finalized.

I still have trouble getting upset when I get the manipulative, accusatory, blaming, BS emails from my H, but I have figured out a few ways to help keep me on track. Now when I get an email from him, I print it out and promptly cross out all of the non-factual information with a sharpie. Then, whatever is left is what is what I need to respond to. Unless it has to do with kids day to day stuff, I generally forward on to my lawyer.

Like!!! What color is your Sharpie?!

As for your new car, I wanna ride in it after my turn comes around as I understand that the sign-up list is quite long. I think Bets is right after me!! PLLLLFFFFFT!

In regard to finding work, I am hoping you're out networking now. No time like tomorrow to do this. This way your landing after D is finalized will be much softer and easier since you'll have work lined up.

Yep, life is full of transitions and it can be scary at times. I recall how I felt when I sold the marital house and moved out. Wicked scary! Guess what? Here I am...thriving and doing pretty darn good!

Eyes forward, M.

[bluesgal]

Thanks for the update, M! I've been wondering about you. You sound great. Isn't it interesting to look back and see where we were at BD compared to now??

What a journey (I know, cliche`) but it's so true...keep us posted

[25yearsmlc]

Yes Melissa, thanks for the update.

You do sound good if not a bit leery of the future. I would be too. As for the job situation, must you go back to law?

I only ask b/c I worried about schedules since my h was not physically around much. And so teaching became an option. All my holidays would match the kids. But the pay cut...yeah well, you do get summers off...(what can I say?)

Or tell the firms you interview with that perhaps you don't want the partnership track and being a staff attorney is FINE with you, or a 'junior partner" and see if there's any flexibility. Our profession has had to accommodate a lot more women in it than before. I'd like to think we've helped improve some things....but I can't say for sure.

Otherwise I think the sharpie pen is an excellent approach. Keeps things simple, doesn't it? That is key...don't get mired in his minutia b/c in the end, that's what a lot of this is...

How are any new GAL things going for you? Would love to hear about one organization or club or class you can sign up for, this month...not to nag, but to hold you accountable to YOURSELF...

Keep on keeping on...you will be more than alright on the other side of this...quagmire. And don't let yourself ever forget that as bad as you think your h is behaving and as bad as you feel, ultimately you'll be in a much better position than he is. I KNOW it's not a contest and his misery is not relevant to YOUR happiness just as his apparent happiness is no index for your misery...

but I would not want to be the WAS for anything...b/c in time, the damage is revealed and in time, his relationships with the kids will show it and that day will be brutal for him.

I know this from experience. I feel very sorry for my h at times, b/c I know he's heartbroken, and yet he can't seem to reach our d's these days...they hurt too much from unresolved issues about his leaving.

And now we're all seeing therapists! So, never doubt for a minute that your h won't suffer for this, if that brings you comfort.
It's not a comfort to ME now, but I know that when this was all happening, I could not believe he couldn't see where it would lead. But he couldn't. And I kept thinking about how unfair it was, but I was wrong. I mean, the WAS does pay a price that we the LBSers, never have to face.

True, sometimes the kids pay the biggest price and WE the moms, CAN make that better. That's really my advice to you. Somehow get the kids to see that this has nothing to do with them. It's not easy at all.

I lost count of the times I had to hear "if dad loved me/us, he'd be here"....(ouch)

I wish I had somehow gotten thru to them then, (my youngest is your oldest age I think) so that they would not harbor the resentments they did. That a flawed man can still love them deeply. And imo, my h would kill or die for his kids...

but stay at home and miss the frontier??? Maybe not...took him a year there, alone, to wake up.

For them, that was a LONG time...

Good luck Melissa, you are ahead of where I was at your stage. You are doing better than you realize. Know that it's NOT a linear process. You will have some hard days but then the better times DO & WILL return. I promise.

(((( )))

[ericmsant2]

What happened to the angry Melissa? LOL. JK. I agree with Wonka..you sound good.

H continues to make this D as difficult as humanly possible

You obviously did not get the WAS memo. That is part of the job description. Demonize the LBS and make the whole process difficult. On a serious note, you are dealing with it very well. At this point, the D (excluding the kids) is a business transaction. Treat it as such. Treat your H as you would a business associate.

suffice it to say that if my H nicks himself with his razor when shaving in the morning, it is most likely my fault.

Well at least he is not blaming you for global warming.

We started a new parenting time schedule, only because I reached out to him to offer him more time with the kids (he was content refusing to agree to any of my proposals giving him more time, and then accusing me of refusing to let him see the kids - ??). This is the first week they will be with him 4 nights. M, W, F, and S. Both kids have expressed concerns about it (D9 thinks she spent enough time with H before, and doesn't want to increase it, and S8 is concerned that he will miss me too much), so we will see how it goes.

I may have missed your explanation of this so sorry if I did. Why are switching the schedule? On one hand you are saying that you do not want him to have them 50% of the time, on the other, your giving him more than that. Why?

My H hired a PRE (well, we jointly hired a PRE - it was on his insistence but we wanted to have a say in who was appointed), so we will now have to go through that whole invasive process. I have done a lot of soul searching, as I think that it will be expensive (about $15k), but worse, I think it will be hard on my kids, not to mention on me. But, I still feel strongly that my H should not have 50/50 parenting time with them, so I will go forward with it.

I get pissed everytime I read something like this. I am all for 50/50 custody. I believe in it. I understand that in some cases it does not make sense. That said, I would never put my kids through it. Never. I am not judging you Melissa and I understand you have to do what you have to do. I do agree that it will be hard on the kids. It is sad that is has to come to this.

On the plus side, my new convertible has reached port in Oxnard, CA, and will soon be on a truck headed toward CO!

Okay fess up..what did you get? Mercedes CL? BMW 6 series? What color? Oh…and just wondering…Do I get to take it for a ride after Wonka?

My L tells me that my H isn't likely to get any nicer after the D is final (esp. if he does not get what he wants), but at least he won't be texting me asking if he can come pick up a particular set of coasters, and blasting me for "unfairly" splitting up baseball tickets, etc.

If your ex is anything like mine – then I would agree with your L. I do think though that once you find your stride that his craziness, antics, emails, texts will be totally ignored by you. For a year after my D, I continued to try and respond to my ex with some level of logic. I finally gave up and I am better off because of it.

Still i have a lot of grieving left to do.

Take your time. I found that it came in waves… IMO, it is only time that can heal the wounds. IF you get those “why” or “what if” moments – feel them, then remind yourself that life changes and flows like a river. This was one of those changes. Instead of focusing on what was….focus on what is and please….do not forgot to remind yourself that YOU MADE IT. That you actually walked through the valley of the darkness and you made it to the other side.

but I would not want to be the WAS for anything...b/c in time, the damage is revealed and in time, his relationships with the kids will show it and that day will be brutal for him.

Ayep!

Mel, you have better tools to deal with life now. I know you really worried about the kids. Know that they will be okay. Yes, I would be lying if I didn’t say that I believe that they too will have some scars. Having YOU in their life, with the tools you have now, will only help them grow and heal from this.

Peace,
Eric

[Underdog]

Melissa!

Somehow I knew that you were off GALing and doing things that make you feel better. Like watching your S throw out the first pitch. Good for you.

As 25 said, this process is anything but linear. Heck, I think it gets better with time and circling the issues, but somehow the fallout takes a long time to dissipate. You'd think it would be like a volcano: spew and settle quickly. But alas, like that volcano, now you have to create something over a blanket of lava. The good news is that you can build something bigger and better (kind of like Steve Austin, LOL). It won't happen overnight and there aren't any shortcuts through the muck.

I have to tell you that your sharpie routine is amazing. Simply amazing, I tell you. I'm going to remember that one for future reference. I promise to footnote you as the source, though. It's brilliant. I'll bet most of the communications from your H are redacted?

This is the first week they will be with him 4 nights. M, W, F, and S. Both kids have expressed concerns about it (D9 thinks she spent enough time with H before, and doesn't want to increase it, and S8 is concerned that he will miss me too much), so we will see how it goes.

I personally think you're going to see--very shortly--that he doesn't have the wherewithal to sustain this type of arrangement. I give him 30 days - at the most. Why? Because the dad pad activities will suffer as a result of this type of arrangement. If I lose by the time your permanent orders come through, I'm buying the next round.

One thing that made me go "huh":

blasting me for "unfairly" splitting up baseball tickets, etc.

Didn't you say a month or so ago that he told you he wasn't interested in the Rox tix?

And I know you can see that it isn't a coincidence, but reading your synopsis of "how Melissa ruined H's life" it's clear to me that he's stuck on who filed. How much do you want to bet that if he filed (on his terms, of course), you wouldn't have been in the villain seat as much? My guess is he'd find some way to villainize you... he just chooses this fine point to dwell on and harp at you. Based on the books that I've read on the subject, he sounds like a classic narcissist. I don't mean someone who acts in a narcissistic manner (we all have our moments), but someone with the narcissistic personality disorder. I wish I still had my books - I lent them to someone who is no longer in my life. I think one of them is Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss, and the other is Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. You might get some insight on how to sidestep from either one of these. I'm not diagnosing your H, mind you, but from what I remember reading, his behaviors certainly sound similar...

Keep on keepin' on, Melissa. And keep that Sharpie handy!

Betsey

p.s. Wonka, get your ass out here and I'll let you beat me to the first ride!

[melissag]

Hi, guys! Great to see all your responses.

Wonka, my Sharpie is red (of course!) and it is really fun to use it. Sometimes I notice myself saying "tsk tsk, H" under my breath as I am doing it. The thing that really blows me away is that I just found out, from my L, that the arrogant, manipulative emails I get are actually the edited versions, AFTER H's L removes the "overly rude" comments. Wow.

I am starting to take small steps toward getting back into the workforce, but I don't want to be making any big decisions at the moment, so I am going to take it somewhat slowly. I also need to get a better picture of what my financial future looks like before I can really decide with confidence what I want/need to do. I know that it is very important to me to work P/T and/or with a very flexible schedule (which pretty much eliminates the practice of law), so I can be there for my kids. Of course, H is hiring a vocational expert to do an evaluation so he can insist that I can go out tomorrow and make $150k a year practicing law. Then I guess I will have to get my own expert to say that I can only make $50k a year. And then we've pissed away more money on experts for nothing.

GAL-wise, I am not sure what I will do this month that is new. I have a lot I am doing already and right now I feel like I spend half my time dealing with D crap. It's so ridiculous. I will try something new, though . . . let me consider for a bit and I'll get back to you, 25!

I hate to admit, but I *do* want to think that my H has at least learned some kind of lesson from all of this. Even if it's just that he was way wrong on how easy and great this was all going to be for him. But, I don't waste time hoping for it anymore because it seems that it will never happen.

I don't doubt that my H loves our kids. A lot. I don't think he is a BAD guy in that regard. And I am not trying to keep the kids from him at all. I haven't done so yet, and I would not do that (not for him, but for them!!). Eric, I understand your point about 50/50 and I respect your opinion; however, I just don't think that parenting time is a one size fits all proposition. There are concerns I have about my H that contribute to my strong feeling that they will NOT be better off being with him half the time. I am not saying that I would never want him to have 50/50 under any circumstance . . . just that I would need to see some changes to believe that is what is best for the kids. And, like Betsey said, I don't think he has a clue what it's really going to be like. (As an aside, Eric, the new schedule is 65/35 - he has them every Weds., EO weekend and EO Monday - it's kind of screwy but it's what we came up with and could agree to.) I am still trying to see if he will negotiate on the parenting time issue, as I would much prefer to avoid the PRE process - my L is going to talk with his L today. I don't hold out much hope, though, bc he seems to have dug his heels in pretty hard.

Oh, Betsey, yes, he did say that he had "zero interest in the Rockies tickets." But, he changed his mind! He likes to change his mind without acknowledging it. Like say, when he told me for three weeks that he would not sit with me (and therefore the kids, since they were sitting with me) at the baseball game where S8 threw out the first pitch. Then, 3 hours before game time (and 5 minutes after a lecture from his L), he suddenly wanted to make it a family event. Or, how he ignored my invitation to S8's birthday dinner (8 days in advance) and told S8 he wasn't coming, but on the day of, texted me to ask what time the reservation was. ???

Yes, my H definitely has narcissistic tendencies, that's for sure. He really doesn't have a clue that anything exists outside of his world view. That's what scares me with the kids. He doesn't really have the capability to think about or understand how they feel (bc clearly they should feel the same way he would), and he ends up hurting their feelings quite a bit. Latest example: He face timed with the kids last night for S8's birthday, but my D9 didn't get to talk to him, because, as he told her, he wasn't interested in talking to HER, as it wasn't HER birthday. Sigh.

Eric, I still do have a lot of anger. I am trying not to let it consume me. I am trying to remember that my H is, well, limited. He really only sees the world according to H. And in H's world, I am evil and ruining his life, so of course he is angry with me and making this as difficult as possible. No wait, he isn't making it difficult, *I* am. I mean, that's truly his reality. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and reminding myself that getting angry about it will do me no good.

Have to go talk to my L, and will think about what I can try that is new this month! I love how you guys all keep me in line.

[Wonka]

Your H is a f*cking idiot!!! IDIOT.

[ericmsant2]

Eric, I understand your point about 50/50 and I respect your opinion; however, I just don't think that parenting time is a one size fits all proposition. There are concerns I have about my H that contribute to my strong feeling that they will NOT be better off being with him half the time. I am not saying that I would never want him to have 50/50 under any circumstance . . . just that I would need to see some changes to believe that is what is best for the kids. And, like Betsey said, I don't think he has a clue what it's really going to be like. (As an aside, Eric, the new schedule is 65/35 - he has them every Weds., EO weekend and EO Monday - it's kind of screwy but it's what we came up with and could agree to.) I am still trying to see if he will negotiate on the parenting time issue, as I would much prefer to avoid the PRE process - my L is going to talk with his L today. I don't hold out much hope, though, bc he seems to have dug his heels in pretty hard.

I was actually surprised that in your last post he had them more. Now that I see what the full schedule is your comment of this is the first week they will be with him 4 nights it makes sense.
As much as you may think I am pushing 50/50 in your case, I’m really not. The fact that the kids have stated concerns about being with dad, I understand your reservation and I agree with it. I agree with you that a 50/50 parenting time is not a one size fit all, it is why I always believe in the “flexible” approach with a stated default should both people not agree.
The only problem with a “flexible” (with a default schedule) approach is, that it many states it does impact the child support calcs. That said, I do believe people can work through the financial issues – it aint easy though. Other than the finances, I personally think flexible works (with the exception that the two people truly cannot speak a word to each other).
That said, in your case it may not work. I suspect that given the finances involved that your D may get ugly (sorry – I truly hope it does not). IF he is doing this simply to hurt you or to save money in support, then I bet your right, he has no idea what he is in for. Your L should be prepared to highlight that. For example, what about days that school is cancelled, what about summer vacations when they are home all day. I was lucky, in that my job was very flexible. He may try to create that flexibility but he may have a harder argument if it come at the expense of his support payments. In my case it did not.
I pray that you can avoid the PRE process. I personally, do not think it is good for any kid to have to go through that.

Eric, I still do have a lot of anger.

That’s okay. It really is okay to be angry and honestly, if you were not, I’d be more concerned. You should be really angry. I’ve often describe my process as being angry and then….the RAGE hit. That’s when I was really pissed off.
You’re doing fine. You really are. You may not always feel it but you are.

BTW, who get’s to drive the car first? Me, Wonka or Betsy?

[melissag]

Thanks for the reply, Eric. I don't think that my H wants 50/50 for purposes of paying less child support . . . but I have been proven wrong about him a lot lately, so who knows. I think this is coming more from a place of principle - he felt that he had no voice in the M (what he told his L), and now he is trying to grow a set. So he doesn't want me to "win." He is tired of me winning. That, and the idea in his head that his Dad sucked, and he does NOT want to be like his Dad (even though he has turned into his Dad in almost every other way possible in the past six months). This is all his reality, and there is no talking him out of it.

So, today I hired someone to help me do some big cleaning projects. She turned out to be really fun and we had a good time chatting! I got my patio/yard all set up for summer - yay!! - and we cleaned the garage and got about 3/4 of the way through the basement. Brought two car loads of stuff to Goodwill. I think I might have her come back soon as there is plenty more to do!! I LOVE getting rid of things, and having things neat and orderly.

I did find some things that made me sad - wedding photos, some cards from H, etc - but I let myself be upset for a minute, then moved along with the organizing. I am separating all his stuff and will put all his boxes in the garage so that when he comes to get them he doesn't need to rummage through the house.

Anyway, when I was in the basement I found . . . drum roll please . . . my golf clubs! I have a great set of clubs, and H and I used to play often before D9 was born. I was terrible at it, but it was fun nonetheless. I have not played in ten years!

So I thought, ohhh, my golf clubs, I should sell those. Then I thought of 25yearsmlc, and I thought - F that! I am going to go take lessons. So there it is- my new GAL activity for this month (and hopefully ongoing!). Now let's just hope the clubs fit in the trunk of my new car. Eeek.

Aside from that, just more of the usual divorce crap going on. Tomorrow is my first meeting with the PRE. H's lawyer indicated there might be some possibility of compromise on the parenting time issues, but due to the fast docket here, will not call off the PRE unless we can reach a compromise. So we are going to try to get in with a child psych who can help us communicate on this issue and see if we can agree on something. I am not excited for this process (or the PRE process) because it will require me to divulge the reasons for not wanting H to have 50/50 custody, which I imagine will result in more spew from him . . . and honestly, regardless of what he has put me through, I don't want to hurt him. But - it's what I feel I need to do for my kids, so I just need to be brave.

Plodding along . . .