When it affects them it's very hard. Almost makes me backslide into allowing her more cake eating, but of course the whole situation affects them either way. It also won't help her realize what she is losing if I backslide. I just try to be the best I can for my and myself, and continue my journey, and try and DB my M.
Little update, thought my weekend was going pretty well , had a busy day with the kids on Sat, and spent the day shuffling around . W left the house after bringing D back to house, and then said she was meeting up with her girlfriend, was it ok if she wasn't available till Sunday AM, and I could take Sunday afternoon . I agreed, as our weekends are usually split depending on activities.
Everything was fine until the next day when my sister called me and told me she saw my W picking up OM the night before. That set me off, a bit of despair and frustration. Some mind reading on my part. It had seemed to me like contact had stopped or changed. She had even started a conversation about how she needs to feel better about her parenting and self before she is able to come back. I validated her, but made no response to indicate her coming back or anything like that was a possibility. Not sure if she was trying to check where I was at or not. We have previously discussed those conditions, and I haven't brought them up for a few months.
I had sent a text that evening regarding discussing kids schedule the next day . She said she didn't want to talk at that time. Now I know why . The next AM when she showed up, she asked if the kids could sleep over that night.
While I'm not adverse to it, as long as I know they are safe, I had changed my plans, and didn't appreciate that she wouldn't discuss it the night before. Long story short (not really ) , when my sister told me on Sunday what she saw the night before, I understood what happened. W had a crying fit saying I was mean etc when I said I'm not adverse to it, I just need more than 10 hours notice
Ultimately, I was wrong for thinking maybe she was coming around. Anytime I see or think there is progress, she runs to the OM. Has to be something there psychologically for her, but I need to not worry about her
Today and yesterday were better. I was out with a friend, and worked out. GAL continues
Things have been rolling along, I've been focused on myself as much as possible with GAL and detaching. As well as my physical fitness. I feel great, and I'm trying to knock things off the home clean up list. It's tough with my kids being so little, but whenever I get a chance, it gets done
My W has been acting pretty strange lately. Seems she is stuck between what she wants to do, and committing. She told a friend she isn't sure what she is doing. I'm obviously confused, trying to detach and move on.
She doesn't want to end her A, and she seems to want to be around the house more, but I don't allow that. Is she trying to figure out how she feels? I just don't see any good coming from her A, and can't see how she will ever change. I know that I should mind read, but it's hard not to look for little signs. This is my challenge to avoid.
Apparently, she was online at the house, left the window open, and I unfortunately looked when I got home. I need a 2x4 to stop this. As witnessing real time sexting between your W and the OM is healthy in any way. I'm still trying to forget what I saw
There is a lot of concern and interference from her family. I am not involved in this in any way. I don't save her from this, as I feel it's her own mess she has created
Probably what I am trying to do the most, and struggling with the most, is making sure that I validate her interests , but continue to detach and do what I think is LRT. I am interested if she tells me about her work, but I don't ask. I rather make sure I listen. Several texts go by from her with delayed or no response from me.
The D has not been discussed in detail at all. Out of the blue, my W brought up that if she was to come back, she would be number 5 on the needs list at our house, which was a realistic concern pre A. She also told me she right now has no interest in sharing a bed with me etc. Had to bite my tongue, and I just told her that I think there would have to be a lot of work that was done before that was even a possibility, as that I understood that was how she felt. I didn't offer anything else about how I felt. Good move or bad move?
I'm just going to keep going with my activities and keep working. This is going to take a long time. Will be interesting to see how I feel if /when I reach a point where I decide what I would actually like to do. For example, do I really want to be M to someone that has treated me like this.
One thing I forgot to add. Complete mind reading by me, but I can't figure out why she isn't telling people. Is she embarrassed , hedging her bets, scared to say what is going on, or unsure? Or all of the above? Or none. Who knows
Things have been rolling along, I've been focused on myself as much as possible with GAL and detaching. As well as my physical fitness. I feel great, and I'm trying to knock things off the home clean up list. It's tough with my kids being so little, but whenever I get a chance, it gets done
My W has been acting pretty strange lately. Seems she is stuck between what she wants to do, and committing. She told a friend she isn't sure what she is doing. I'm obviously confused, trying to detach and move on.
She doesn't want to end her A, and she seems to want to be around the house more, but I don't allow that. Is she trying to figure out how she feels? I just don't see any good coming from her A, and can't see how she will ever change. I know that I should mind read, but it's hard not to look for little signs. This is my challenge to avoid.
Apparently, she was online at the house, left the window open, and I unfortunately looked when I got home. I need a 2x4 to stop this. As witnessing real time sexting between your W and the OM is healthy in any way. I'm still trying to forget what I saw
There is a lot of concern and interference from her family. I am not involved in this in any way. I don't save her from this, as I feel it's her own mess she has created
Probably what I am trying to do the most, and struggling with the most, is making sure that I validate her interests , but continue to detach and do what I think is LRT. I am interested if she tells me about her work, but I don't ask. I rather make sure I listen. Several texts go by from her with delayed or no response from me.
The D has not been discussed in detail at all. Out of the blue, my W brought up that if she was to come back, she would be number 5 on the needs list at our house, which was a realistic concern pre A. She also told me she right now has no interest in sharing a bed with me etc. Had to bite my tongue, and I just told her that I think there would have to be a lot of work that was done before that was even a possibility, as that I understood that was how she felt. I didn't offer anything else about how I felt. Good move or bad move?
I'm just going to keep going with my activities and keep working. This is going to take a long time. Will be interesting to see how I feel if /when I reach a point where I decide what I would actually like to do. For example, do I really want to be M to someone that has treated me like this.
As if witnessing real time sexting between your W and the OM is healthy in any way. I'm still trying to forget what I saw
Not something pleasant for sure, but you know it's happening. My suggestion is to learn to deal with it now, so you don't have an emotional response to it later at an inopportune time. That's part of detachment.
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Is she embarrassed, hedging her bets, scared to say what is going on, or unsure?
Yes to all. And who she tells what also has to do with how much respect she has for that person.
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I didn't offer anything else about how I felt. Good move or bad move?
Good move, of course. WAW is total narcissist. She doesn't care an iota about how you feel. In fact, you probably can't feel bad enough to satisfy her. If you had mentioned your feelings, she would likely complain about how you make this "All about you"
Another update in the soap opera that is my life it seems these days:
Had a funeral for a young child, my cousin's three year old who battled cancer. It was a big wake up call for myself when he passed, as I realized what was important. My W was at the funeral, as our kids were close, and she has been around the family for a long time obviously. I had to bite my tongue at several instances just to avoid saying anything, as I listened to one mom discuss the loss of a child, while my W sat and listened to the same thing. Kept thinking ironic she has chosen to leave her children. Of course, that's me mind-reading. After the funeral, she came to the house as it was her night to put kids to sleep, broke down in the car as usual, and then was saying sorry to me as she was leaving. She sent a text last night:
"I know today was really tough for you. Thanks for letting me be there with you. Good night"
I cant make anything out of this other than what it said. I saw it later, because I was so busy GAL on the phone. I just replied with a simple thanks for your help. Good night
I am getting tired of these breakdowns, as I feel they are guilt based. I unfortunately take pleasure in watching her breakdown, and letting her suffer through her emotions. I know that sounds horrible, but I can admit it to myself. I feel like she is not in pain from this mess that we created ( I'm taking responsibility for my part in the M failure) Of course, I think it's something I also think to prevent myself from rescuing her each time it happens. I hate seeing her in pain, when I feel there is so much that could be done to fix it.
As I approach 13 weeks since her A was first discovered, I question of course whether anything will change with that situation. Daily, I wrestle with detaching further and creating more separation distance. I am doing LRT, but she still sees the kids, and I truly don't think she feels she has lost me. And then my fear is she doesn't care if she has. I know at this time, she truly believes she doesn't care about me. Scratch that, I don't know how, she feels, only what she says.
I keep hoping that I will get some kind of sign, and I know that the situation is still young. I know it will take a long time, and nothing can happen till she wants to end her affair. I will not be proceeding with any action for a long time, as some things coming up in the fall will help my situation should it proceed to D. I continue to have some fun with GAL. My W asked who was texting me so late the other night when she was leaving the house after looking after the kids on her night. I didn't answer, as I want to maintain some mystery about my current life. But I do fear she no longer cares.
Do you think she has any credible fear of losing you? Or does she perceive that you're "always right there" if she changes her mind about what she's doing?
) , when my sister told me on Sunday what she saw the night before, I understood what happened. W had a crying fit saying I was mean etc when I said I'm not adverse to it, I just need more than 10 hours notice