Mondays for days ...

[zew]

I'm starting to wonder if my role as a SAHM - even though that's what he said he WANTED me to do - somehow "diminished" me in his eyes. So maybe confidence and independence and assertiveness - even while I feel those are predominantly masculine qualities that, demonstrated in me, have possibly hurt our relationship over the years - may be exactly what I need to continue portraying.

Quite possible.

In my case, WAW just got a job after being SAHM for 13 years. I find it very attractive. She's more of an equal, less of a dependent, more of what she was when we first met. I'm still working through how it all ties together. I don't think "diminished" is the right word, but it's certainly a different dynamic. And I wouldn't consider confidence, independence and assertiveness to be masculine qualities. I call those healthy person qualities.

In any case, you are what you are; it's not your problem. There's no reason to redefine yourself over good qualities. It comes down to whether your H is attracted to that, or threatened by it, and it sounds like it's the former.

So maybe we both got solutions to one of our problems. Just a little late!

[Train]

You know, zew, you may be onto something. And it ties in also with what Starsky is saying. Maybe it isn't about how the spouses "look" at the W who chooses to stay home after working ... or chooses to work after staying home ... but it's about the W herself. It's about her own attitude. Her own perception of HERSELF. Her own confidence.

What a novel concept: the way we feel about ourselves may just cause other people to take notice and view us differently ...

Hmmmmm ... that sounds familiar!!

I love being a SAHM and being with my kids every day. But I'm certainly not the confidant, self-assured, independent person I was 8-10 years ago when I was in my "prime" at my job. No way, no how.

Granted, I'm getting that back a little, even while continuing as a SAHM. But it took my H leaving me to do it. I don't think I was able to exude this confidence in 2005 when he left because I was weak and vulnerable and pregnant. All I cared about was doing whatever I could to save my M. Saving MYSELF was a second-thought ... if a thought at all. I was faking it ... only to get H back.

Sad, really. But here we are, and there are valuable lessons to be learned here. Starting with: change ourselves and our own outlook first. Everything else will fall into place.

[Train]

Haven't responded to H's texts in 24 hours. Lo and behold, he needs to stop by the house today to move more things out of his garage.

Aaahhhhhh!!!!

Can't I have just 2 days of no contact?!????? Just 2 days????

[Train]

Ok. So he came right out and asked me why I "shut down" every time he texts about L. He asked if I'm getting his texts.

I couldn't even put a front on.

I just said: "Yes. I'm getting them. But I have nothing to say about it. I'm done talking about it. I'm done with all of it."

I said that because I felt it. And because I'm so over this BS.

He then tried to start "helping" by finding info that I asked for yesterday morning. And started giving me tips on how to do it myself. I told him I've got it handled. He got ticked and said, "You asked for help!!" Which is not true. I did NOT ask for help. I asked him to provide the freaking information about his insurance plan. So I just said, for the 5th time, "It's not a big deal. I've got it handled."

So WHAT if he sees me not happy and chipper and freaking positive for once? I was happy and chipper and positive out there with D2 while I was helping her ride a bike. I'm tired of this crap and this stupid facade.

I'm tired of his BS.

[Train]

Oh and all the while, of course, he's out there texting OW while talking to me.

Screw him.

[Train]

Ok. A good night's sleep ... some deep breathing ... seeing my GORGEOUS daughters dressed for prom ... and I'm feeling more centered.

H called a while ago. Asked about plans for tonight; his parents are on their way into town for the weekend. I had approached H about making some plans earlier in the week re: his parents and prom (because he wants to watch the girls walk into prom later tonight). He wasn't interested in making any plans at that point. So I let it go, knowing I'd hear from him when he was ready. And sure enough ...

I told him I have no idea what time they'd be at prom but I offered to text him when I heard they were leaving the restaurant. He said his parents should be here shortly and asked if they could just head over to my house to wait here with us. I agreed.

We talked briefly about the as$hat with whom D16 is going to prom and agreed if he lays a finger on her tonight, he will have more to worry about than the cost of dinner.

And I told H that I needed to go.

He said, "I did apologize to you, right?"

I replied: "Apologize for what?"

He said: "My rant I texted the other day. I don't want to be like that."

And I said: "Oh, yes. You apologized. I understand. This is difficult on all of us. I get it."

Sooooo, yeah. I think I deserve a high-five, Starsky.

[twinmom]

Good job! And I am NOT looking forward to worrying about my kids at prom! You can have that stress for tonight, lol!

[Starsky309]

He said, "I did apologize to you, right?"

I replied: "Apologize for what?"

He said: "My rant I texted the other day. I don't want to be like that."

And I said: "Oh, yes. You apologized. I understand. This is difficult on all of us. I get it."

Sooooo, yeah. I think I deserve a high-five, Starsky.

PERFECT!!! Mods, where's the "high-five" emoticon??

[Train]

Thanks for that, Starsky.

Nothing new to report here. Things are (strangely) quite calm and - dare I say? - boring here.

H and his parents picked up the kids yesterday morning. It was H's birthday, so before they left (but after he had been here 15 minutes or so while we were finishing readying the kids), I casually wished him a happy birthday - almost like I had nearly forgotten it.

That felt SO mean and cold ... and unauthentic ... of me to do. I'm usually a wake-up-excitedly-wishing-you-a-happy-birthday-almost-to-the-point-of-getting-on-your-nerves kind of gal.

Before they left for the day, H's dad asked me what I planned to do for the day. I told him I was meeting friends to go shoot guns. He asked if I was going to a range, etc. H - who hates guns - mentioned: "You should take S7 with you to shoot guns ... with whoever you're shooting guns with ... " I pretty much ignored that and just said, "Yeah, maybe a BB gun."

H's mom had asked me if we could sneak in a chat during her visit. I had offered to grill out for them later if they didn't have plans for a birthday dinner for H. Told them it was an option to consider but, if that's what they wanted to do, to give me a couple hours' notice.

I never heard from them. And that's fine. I realize their trip down wasn't for me, and I'm getting used to the idea of being two separate families. H, his parents and the kids ate pizza at H's house for dinner. When they dropped the kids off, H's mom just said she wished she had more time. Though they hung out on the back patio with my mom and me for about an hour, H and I hardly spoke. He did call me "Train" instead of "Honey" when he addressed me once. He was on his best, most distant behavior in front of his parents.

Here's the good news: It has made for a much easier Monday morning for me. Andddddd, I'm heading with the kids to the beach on Friday, which means I'll have another two relatively-drama-free Sundays (and Mondays) coming up.

My boundaries have clearly caused H to distance himself from me the past week; that's incredibly clear. But I'm just going to trust the process. Instead of trying to figure everything out, I think I'll try just letting it BE for a while.

Good idea, no?

[Starsky309]

Yes, very good idea! I like how you are maintaining some distance, and creating some mystique here.

(oh, and you grill AND you shoot guns?? HOW ATTRACTIVE!! ) I love it.

Starsky