Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
HollyAnn #2445465 04/14/14 05:12 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
G
gogofo Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
The "I'm ready to come home" I am confident meant that she is ready to be back in her home, not move back in with me.

What I find interesting is in the past spending 4 days in Chicago would not have been enough. She always has enjoyed traveling and now at the end of her last two work trips she mentioned being ready to come back (to her house). I never thought she would even express those feelings, especially now that we are separated.

Maybe now that she has experienced the freedom she thought she was missing when we were together, it is not as sweet as it seemed. That green grass may have been an illusion.

HollyAnn, thanks for the kind words about my progress and my work on handling the situation.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2445467 04/14/14 05:36 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 124
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 124
Originally Posted By: gogofo
The "I'm ready to come home" I am confident meant that she is ready to be back in her home, not move back in with me.

What I find interesting is in the past spending 4 days in Chicago would not have been enough. She always has enjoyed traveling and now at the end of her last two work trips she mentioned being ready to come back (to her house). I never thought she would even express those feelings, especially now that we are separated.

Maybe now that she has experienced the freedom she thought she was missing when we were together, it is not as sweet as it seemed. That green grass may have been an illusion.

HollyAnn, thanks for the kind words about my progress and my work on handling the situation.


You're very welcome!

She has already noticed that you're looking good and are GAL. She wouldn't have gotten so pissy about these changes if she didn't care even a little. This is why I think you should not invite her for Easter. This is an opportunity for her to experience missing an important day with the family. You show her the reality of a D and the effect it has on everyone.

Now all you have to do is muster all your strength and apply what you've learned. And keep expectations very low.

If she really does want to reconcile, this is one of the quickest turn-arounds I've seen. Most LBS spend too much time in paralysis because they're spinning, can't grab the reins because they're too scared of making WAS mad, etc. Understandable, but not helpful.

HollyAnn #2445546 04/14/14 02:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Sorry folks for the hijack as I feel compelled to address Ye's post to me as it is riddled with faulty assumptions.

You misread or misinterpreted my post completely.

I would say, "W, is there anything you need to tell me?" while you show her those comments. Sit quietly and listen. And do this in a public place like a park...

Now for the meaning of confronting:
meet (someone) face to face with hostile or argumentative intent.

So, I didnt misread, I read that very clear.


You did misread my comment big time. The comment/question is to ask for clarification. Nowhere in the comment is the intent to confront. If there intent to confront, someone would have said, "So are you having an affair behind my back??!" See the difference?

Then you can say, "We cannot be friends when there's a third party in this marriage. When you're done with the OM, I'd be open to your efforts at repairing the damage. I'd have to see your actions. Until you've cut ties with the OM, do not contact me at all."

This is a boundary setting. It leaves the choice to W to continue with A or end it. It is how one sets a boundary, Ye.

What about respect her decision of not being with him instead of keep showing her that she did a mistake?

Not the case at all. We have suggested two courses of action to GoFo: simply ask about the comments or ignore them. It is not showing her mistakes. These mistakes are HERS alone. It is all there. If it were me, I would ask "Do you know anything about this?" or "Is there something you would like to say."


I did mistakes when I was young and it took me years to realize they were mistakes even if many people told me they were at that point, this is called self realization and until his W doesn't reaCh that point, every attempt to change that its manipulative and thats the way she will perceive it.

Ye, you are mixing up events and pulling together a mishmash of information that makes no sense. In this particular situation, we are focused on the comments of the book. For sure, GoFo didn't write them! How's that manipulative? It is all in there. Any normal person would ask "what's up with this"

If she wants to be with Go she will eventually and based on his boundaries realize what steps she has to take. A boundary its not to tell, dont get close or talk to me untill you finish affair or contact with other man, a boundary will be to stop doing things that might lead her to think she can cake eat, stop having dinners, sharing personal time together and things like that.


Go back to my comment about boundary setting. I am not sure if you fully grasp how proper boundary setting looks like. On one hand, you call boundary setting "confrontational" and then you come up with that ^^ comment which is proper boundary setting.

As for A, I've been around the boards long enough to know that the vast majority of WASes have OW/OM in the picture. It is not mindreading at all, but comes with DB experience. What I am doing here is preparing GoFo for the real possibility that his W is indeed in an A. It is always best to be prepared than look silly when talking with a WAS, right?

Again, leaving in reality its much better, I have a different opinion about this, you know why? Whats the difference between a WAW with A and one without? None, they both leave you behind so at the end with or without A, Gogofo still separated and this is about helping him to change his toughs not preparing him for the worst...live the present moment and stop thinking about the negatives, once you think them you attract them...

A huge difference! An affair rips apart the LBS' sense of self and breaches one's trust in a very, very hurtful way. I am all for living in the present. But doesn't mean one needs to be in "ignorance is bliss" life. Being aware is being knowledgeable and knowing what one faces ahead.

With GoFo's situation, he has a book with really nasty comments scrawled all over it and WTF is he supposed to do with it???!!

What about nothing? What if the book wasnt written with any comments?? Thats a fear movement to proof him "right" and her "wrong" for having an A or not and her having an A or not doesnt change the fact that today and now she doesnt want to be with Gogofo, him growing spiritually and becoming a man only a fool would leave, that there might make her think about getting back with him.


Doing nothing is one other option...most certainly. The book was WRITTEN with comments. Ye, this is the reality. Not speculating. We're working with what GoFo reports here.


We are advising him of how to approach W in a non-controlling way and ask her about it to get her side of it.

The only person advising that approach its you Wonka, I dont see others neither do I, agreeing with asking or confronting her about this book.


That's the beauty of this forum. We can offer advice and the poster can decide to pursue a certain advice as he/she feels best. Again, it is not "confronting" her as you think here. It's simply asking for her opinion and finding out what that was all about.


There is no point or reason for this and I would like to hear your reasons if you want to share them with me, and whats the expected benefit or outcome of this approach to her in this situation?

Benefits are two fold: 1) gauging W's reactions 2) possibility determining if there's an A. Nothing less, nothing more.


Nothing about A. You see the difference?

As for A, I've been around the boards long enough to know that the vast majority of WASes have OW/OM in the picture. It is not mindreading at all, but comes with DB experience. What I am doing here is preparing GoFo for the real possibility that his W is indeed in an A.

Then you can say, "We cannot be friends when there's a third party in this marriage. When you're done with the OM, I'd be open to your efforts at repairing the damage. I'd have to see your actions. Until you've cut ties with the OM, do not contact me at all."


Wonka I dont think I am misreading you when I see manipulation in your words, english its not my main language, however I understand you completelly when you write down even if first you say one thing and you ended changing that comment with :

Nothing about A. You see the difference?


Are you dense or something? What I am simply offering is a clarification and a handy script in the event that it comes that W is indeed having an affair. It is not manipulating at all. We've offered scripts that is boundary setting in a non-controlling way. You don't get this at all. I've read your threads and you've not really grasped boundary setting nor validating YET. You have a ways to get there.

And:

Wonka
Member

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 3188


What does ^^^ that have to do with anything?

Edit:

'What did I tell you in an earlier post in your thread, Ye, about this very matter? I said that DBing isn't one size fits all. It DEPENDS on each situation so DBing needs to be adapted and adjusted accordingly.'

Thats your opinion, I accept it, respect it and I understand how you feel about this, however I greatly appreciate if you dont judge my way of giving advice, for you it might not be valid for other it is valid.

Yes, you do have an opinion. But when there's a glaring error in the ways of presenting information or erroneous thoughts, I do bring up some counter points based on DBing experience and some of the tried and true methods in boundary setting.


Thank you Wonka


Thank you too, Ye.

gogofo #2445548 04/14/14 02:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
GoFo,

Remember what we say here about keeping the road paved smooth for the WAS? Can you do this? What would that look like to you?

gogofo #2445549 04/14/14 02:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Originally Posted By: gogofo
The "I'm ready to come home" I am confident meant that she is ready to be back in her home, not move back in with me.

What I find interesting is in the past spending 4 days in Chicago would not have been enough. She always has enjoyed traveling and now at the end of her last two work trips she mentioned being ready to come back (to her house). I never thought she would even express those feelings, especially now that we are separated.

Maybe now that she has experienced the freedom she thought she was missing when we were together, it is not as sweet as it seemed. That green grass may have been an illusion.


I read most of your threads over the weekend and I'm impressed by your handling of yourself. I don't have anything to add other than don't mind read no matter how tempting it seems. Keep your life principles at the forefront, respect yourself and respect others.

Have you read other threads here, some of the older threads have lots you can learn.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2445554 04/14/14 02:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
I just read yesterday's posts, I do have something to add.

About Easter, I don't know if it's a religious holiday for you or just the bunny and candy but it's a family thing but keep the kids first here. They're young so if it feels right to have the time as a family, do that.

Re your W's msgs, don't play too coy. She wants to talk, you can certainly respond in kind, if in fact that's what you want.

Take it slowly with beginner's mind. If you don't understand that, please read more about it.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2445587 04/14/14 04:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
G
gogofo Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
Originally Posted By: Wonka
GoFo,

Remember what we say here about keeping the road paved smooth for the WAS? Can you do this? What would that look like to you?



I can do this, and have been working at it the whole time. I have been a good neighbor to her. When we have had dinner together I pay attention to her, eye contact, follow up questions, all the good listening skills. I validate what she says and fully try to listen with my heart, not my ears. These just aren't tactics to get her back though, it is how I want to interact with people and have been working at it.

When she has brought up R talk, I just listen and validate. I do not offer suggestions or try to fix things, which was difficult at first but now is second nature. I really do understand how she could have the feelings about the M she expresses. They are her feelings and whether the basis of them seems skewed to me or not, this is how she feels so I need to see things through her eyes. Empathy is basically what I have been working on, very heavily.

Smooth paved road; I keep on with what has been working for me. I do not go on the attack or express "me" feelings when she talks about how she feels. I also leave the comments from the book alone for a while. I feel they are a non issue for me at this point. I also feel that they will come up when the time is right and if I want things to be smooth, right now is not the time.

Originally Posted By: labug
I just read yesterday's posts, I do have something to add.

About Easter, I don't know if it's a religious holiday for you or just the bunny and candy but it's a family thing but keep the kids first here. They're young so if it feels right to have the time as a family, do that.

Re your W's msgs, don't play too coy. She wants to talk, you can certainly respond in kind, if in fact that's what you want.

Take it slowly with beginner's mind. If you don't understand that, please read more about it.



Easter is just the bunny and egg hunt for us, but also family dinner which was/is important. I am still on the fence about what to do. Invite not invite they both seem correct. On one hand I don't want her to cake eat on the other hand I don't want to punish her.

I did not respond to the last text last night because I could not think of what I wanted to write back. I hate text messages that include feelings because it is so easy to misinterpret and did not want to risk this.

We will be in text contact tonight to work out the kids swap details for tomorrow so I will probably tell her "we can talk on Thursday", after our scheduled dinner, when the kids are asleep.

Still trying to remain grounded and not get my hopes up, but things seem positive towards the chance to work on us. I don't expect her to say "I love you" or "I want to move back in". The last time we talked she said she did not know if she could trust me. I think she might bring up the idea that she may be open to working on us and start the process of rebuilding trust an our relationship. I will let her dictate this pace and try to reign in my enthusiasm of going in too fast. I do know that I won't allow her to move back right now. As much as I would like it I know it is way too early.

We will see, just still trying to remain level headed and grounded.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2445591 04/14/14 04:54 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
GoFo,

You seem to be handling this pretty good!

The last time we talked she said she did not know if she could trust me.

It seems to be a constant theme to W. If and when W does bring this very issue up again, how about saying:

I am sorry you feel this way. What would that look like to you? Please show me what I can do to earn your trust back.

Wonka #2445648 04/14/14 07:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Just to be clear, keep the kids in first position around this

Quote:
Easter is just the bunny and egg hunt for us, but also family dinner which was/is important. I am still on the fence about what to do. Invite not invite they both seem correct. On one hand I don't want her to cake eat on the other hand I don't want to punish her.


It's not our job to mete out consequences. If you felt a boundary (for your protection) was appropriate, that's understandable. That doesn't seem to be the case in your situation.

Why do you think she doesn't trust you? How can you begin to build that trust?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2445658 04/14/14 07:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 124
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 124
Originally Posted By: labug
Just to be clear, keep the kids in first position around this

Quote:
Easter is just the bunny and egg hunt for us, but also family dinner which was/is important. I am still on the fence about what to do. Invite not invite they both seem correct. On one hand I don't want her to cake eat on the other hand I don't want to punish her.


It's not our job to mete out consequences. If you felt a boundary (for your protection) was appropriate, that's understandable. That doesn't seem to be the case in your situation.

Why do you think she doesn't trust you? How can you begin to build that trust?


I think we ARE supposed to show what they will be missing. It's not like he told her she can't come to Easter.
He can let her come if she asks; he just doesn't have to invite her unless she tells him she wants to try full on for R.

Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard