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This is the response I got. It is very clear and I am very happy with it. Sure, there are signs of distance but I am more concerned with establishing good communication than I am with our marriage right now.

Communication obviously is completely [censored] atm.
You've ASSUMED I would ve able to pay for the car all the while knowing exactly how much I earn and how much I generally have left over.... do the math. I ultimately got the credit card for emergency so I would NEVER have to ask you for any help.
Before this we had a discussion about rego and you said you'd have enough money to handle it. Case closed. That's what I was under the impression was going to happen.
Not sure where you thought I'd be finding $1400 for everything in that short time.
As for the dentist yes I asked for help and I am so glad I didn't need your help in the end.
I am trying to be more independent. This is what separation is. Being our own parties but being dual parents.
If that's not clear enough then ill start writing down everything in future and clarify it down to a tee.
Do not make dinner. I'll do it when I get home.
Stop washing my clothes. They're my responsibility. Do the kids if they have any. And I will do the same when I do mine.
We can set CLEAR concise boundaries. That way neither of us ASSUMES anything ever again.
All bills regarding household/cars etc will be split down the middle.
Anything regarding the kids will be done the same way.
I'll spend time to myself for an hour Tuesdays Wednesdays and Thursdays (depending on meetings days may change) you can use the other 4 days.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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And I got this:

I'd appreciate if you kept your opinion about how I look etc to yourself.
I don't appreciate it being all over Facebook. You have every right to admire etc but know it's not appreciated at all and certainly not when I see it on Facebook.


She bought a onesie the other day and it really highlighted her figure. She looked amazing in it... and now I can't tell her or the world anymore.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
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Well it seems like you have to go LRT , you are pushing her and she is responding to the pressure, those emails are basically fish communication...not point made besides one attacking each other and the other one defending...I mean if what you want its her not to talk to you and go separate ways, then this is definitely the way to go.....

This is what it happens, she is upset and you instead of showing yourself in a happy level you went down to her level...2 people talking in a resentful level can not end very well....

Also you keep pursuing by publishing comments about her on facebook, she "hates" you at the moment, why you keep feeding her?


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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The only way you can improve communication its by letting her alone, she will eventually change her level of anger and she will be able to talk to you with almost no resentments or she might have resntments for many years...


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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B,

YE hit it right on the nose man....You definitely need to STFU!!! Around your wife, about your wife to friends and co-workers....Pretty much everywhere. It is time to go DIM, give her tons of space, and focus on you.

As for the communication....For first post on the car repair had me thinking you were covering the expense. You want a good drill for wife....When it is something that HAS to be discussed;

Discussing issue x,y,z-

Either person- We need to discuss x,y, z

You- "What are your feelings on x,y,z"
Wife- Expressess Her feelings on x,y,z
YOU LISTEN
You- "So I heard you correct, this is how you feel we should handle x,y,z"...then reiterate
Wife-Acting impatient as your are repeating back to her what you heard....I suggest changing the wording
You- Either you agree with how she wants to handle it, tell her you agree and end conversation or you explain to her your feelings with words like I and me....No you to her...Explain your view
Then...and only then do you compromise.

Once again....get out of her grill all the time. To clarify...being in another room while focused on her in the other room is not getting out of her grill.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
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I didn't really understand the grill thing to be honest.

I can see how the Facebook thing can be misconstrued as pursuing. It was an honest compliment and I chose the wrong forum.

The communication thing stumps me though. From what you've written, I'm on the right track. I could have better worded my offer of keeping cash available for the service. I know that my wife didn't explicitly take me up on that offer though. This kind of thing happens a lot. She thinks it's sorted, I think it still needs to be sorted, she gets impatient when I try to sort it and making assumptions is a dangerous road to travel. So where do I go from here with communication? It has to be resolved.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
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Originally Posted By: Barrybran
I didn't really understand the grill thing to be honest.


Just Lost being all hip....lol

Interchange "grill" , with "face"....

I.E. = all up in her business..


Originally Posted By: Barry

I can see how the Facebook thing can be misconstrued as pursuing. It was an honest compliment and I chose the wrong forum.

The communication thing stumps me though. From what you've written, I'm on the right track. I could have better worded my offer of keeping cash available for the service. I know that my wife didn't explicitly take me up on that offer though. This kind of thing happens a lot. She thinks it's sorted, I think it still needs to be sorted, she gets impatient when I try to sort it and making assumptions is a dangerous road to travel. So where do I go from here with communication? It has to be resolved.


Most of this (from what I read), can be resolved with what we started talking about last week..

Start focusing on what YOU want, how YOU interact, and to leave her alone with her own stuff.

I feel that you are still focusing way too much on what she is doing and not enough on what you are doing.

Like I said earlier...

Stop allowing her to dictate YOUR life to you....

No one single action is going to make, or break you right now.

You HAVE to stop trying to fix this marriage.

As far as the communication ???

No matter how much, or how little you communicate with her, her's will always be limited coming back to you.

She is going to twist things, and turn things to be in her favor no matter how clear it is from the start.

And you allowing her to twist your shorts, is only hurting you.

She wants her "independence" Barry....

The best thing to do ? Is to give it to her...all of it...

Her car breaks down ???

Sorry, I hope that you can work that out....

You need dental work ???

Sorry, I hope you can get an appointment...

The kids need shoes ??

Okay, I will take them on Saturday, and I will leave you the receipt, and you can reimburse me 50%....

(that ^^^ is concise, clear, and leaves NO room for mis-understandings)

She wants freedom ???

Give it to her, and for right now...

Focus on the relationships in your life that fulfill you...

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I have to vent here. It's incredibly frustrating that I have to accept that my wife is so stubborn that she'd rather live with animosity than to get on the same page and make our day-to-day lives easier by fixing our communication. I'm no angel, this process has highlighted that, but it is completely absurd to me that someone is willing to sabotage their own lives under the guise of independence. The marriage is done, ok. She wants her own life, ok. We have a house to run and kids to take care of. Making those things harder by not being willing to try communicating effectively... not ok.

I've thought recently whether it would be beneficial to say to her to just pack up and go. I know deep down things are better with her around. But this stubbornness is ridiculous and it affects everyone.

I wrote what I wrote to stand up for myself. To say "hey, your behaviour is not acceptable." Again, I have my part in this but I can't stand back and just work on myself and expect communcation to improve without working on it. Communication is a two-way street and I expect it to improve. I feel that it will become a boundary for me at some point. Something along the lines of "I tried to communicate, you weren't cooperating so I've made this decision without you." In a nutshell, what you just said Mach. Honestly though, it's not me. I'm a nice person, despite my errors and flaws, and I firmly believe the right thing to do is to work together to ensure the kids and the house are looked after. It doesn't make any sense to me to act in an "I'm not going to work with you" manner.

As I said, I had to vent. It's frustrating and as much as I can accept that my marriage as it is is over, I can not accept her attitude towards day-to-day communication as acceptable.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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And that communication thing is for everyone... if my kids treat me as my wife is treating me, they'll be figuring things out on their own too. Maybe that's what you're getting at Mach but I expect children and teenagers to be difficult, not fully grown, intelligent adults.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
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We have a house to run and kids to take care of.

The sooner you start to think that there is no "we" at this moment, the sooner you will recover and maybe one day be able to talk to her about this issues.

Making those things harder by not being willing to try communicating effectively... not ok.

Trust me on this, the only one making things harder now its you, she has gave you her point, doesnt want to be with you or communicate with you, you dont accept this, instead you try to control it and while you do that, you keep as others told you keep been in the grill....

Imagine your W as a house now, this house its on fire!! And the house its empty, so you try to go inside to see the effect of the fire and you carry a glass of water...
What happens? Well you burn yourself... Every single time you burn yourself, are you helping at all with the glass of water?? Nop

Wouldnt be better to let the house burn, recognize that you are powerless and meanwhile work on yourself? Yes, that would be the best, once the fire its gone, then you can go inside the house or buy another one, but you are not going to burn yourself in the process....it will definitly not help.

So now choose, you wanna burn yourself or spend the time that you have now taking care of yourself??


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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