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As I said, let her go.

If she moves back to the house, hopefully there's a separate entrance to the basement.

And while this might be best for your family financially, your family's emotional health isn't the concern of your "team." How do you think this will affect your son who is still at home. That should be your concern.

You also talk about strategies. DB isn't about strategies, it's about changing you, and right now that would be LRT and going dark. Going dark is to allow you time to take control of you, to become more responsive and less reactive.

You can't get her out of her "fog", make her love you, change her mind, that's all under her control. You only control you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Oh ok...
Anyway, did you see my other replies to your questions etc...

I had to start a new thread.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Originally Posted By: labug
As I said, let her go.

If she moves back to the house, hopefully there's a separate entrance to the basement.

And while this might be best for your family financially, your family's emotional health isn't the concern of your "team." How do you think this will affect your son who is still at home. That should be your concern.

You also talk about strategies. DB isn't about strategies, it's about changing you, and right now that would be LRT and going dark. Going dark is to allow you time to take control of you, to become more responsive and less reactive.

You can't get her out of her "fog", make her love you, change her mind, that's all under her control. You only control you.


I have not replied to any of her texts etc since she left.
I don't want to control or manipulate her in anyway I just want to show her how much I love her!

Also, I have a question, she and my older son are supposed to meet this comming Sunday. She wants to drive up and back in one day. It's five hours each way.m she asked me to go with her to share driving responsibilities, and who knows why else ?

I have had three different opinions,

1)Go with her it's five hours each way to reconnect without arguing or even talking.
2)Don't go with her it's her problem not yours, she's fired you as a husband.
3)Do what's in your heart, it won't effect your marriage or her whether you do or not, it's all about what you want.

I am so lost as what to do!

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Can you go with no expectation and not stray into R talk?

I think she wants to share the drive for just the reasons she stated. You're already mindreading about why she's asked you to go so I have my doubts you can do the drive without expectations.

This one decision won't make or break anything because in your W's mind, she's gone, no longer your W, but you do share children so she's attached to you for life in that way.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
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This is the more important issue:

And while this might be best for your family financially, your family's emotional health isn't the concern of your "team." How do you think this will affect your son who is still at home. That should be your concern.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
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Originally Posted By: labug
Can you go with no expectation and not stray into R talk?

I think she wants to share the drive for just the reasons she stated. You're already mindreading about why she's asked you to go so I have my doubts you can do the drive without expectations.

This one decision won't make or break anything because in your W's mind, she's gone, no longer your W, but you do share children so she's attached to you for life in that way.


You make an excellent point. Plus can she go without telling me what she did in New Mexico?

I would have to make a conscious effort to act is if we are just. Couple going for A drive.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Mar 2014
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The stuff about her being gone etc. Do you feel were done?

Also I am now thinking that had she had her own apartment, she would have had to return to an apartment with no son, no pets, nothing except herself after dropping OM at the airport after spending over two months with him everyday. She would see what it's like to be divorced or even what it will be like if she and he stay together.

Now as upset as she will be she will know she's got her son her house and me!


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Nov 2011
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What she does or says is for her to deal with, you only have control of you and your reactions.

You're done for now, who knows about tomorrow.

You don't know how she'll feel being in an apt by herself, she may love it. You're mindreading.

Did you read the DR book? What did you get from it?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
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PLEASE HEAR ME OUT.

Had a great session with the Marriage Coach today. He said that I appear to be in a much better place then I was a few weeks ago (Must be all my board supporters!). We discussed boundaries and rules. He said that he can see the way my wife tries to seduce me with her eyes and her facial expression; it was noticed by all at the table. He said she does not want to completely let me go; He agreed the more I play “Hard to get” the more I 180 her the more she gets caught up and frustrated as to why her antics are not seducing me.

He did state that getting her own apartment or not won’t have an effect she’s months away from waking up. He pointed out how she is very very protective of OM, almost too where he is her son. He said that OM has no means is not smart is not the smartest tour guide. He does not understand what she sees in him. He also said that I have been misinterpreting my IC, she’s not saying STBXW is a true liar, it’s that she’s like OJ Simpson, she’s so caught up in her fantasy and lies and so controlled by OM and her feelings that she’s not in reality anymore she does not know what’s real.

The thing is he said I am better looking more intelligent have more in common with her, but for some reason she has been seduced by his needs. But tells the coach how she wants to work out with me , go to dinner with me, (He was saying this with a total look of utter disdain on his face)

What I found amazing is that she has said I was to needy, he said first of all she’s more codependent on me then me her, also that based on what he learned about OM , he is 100x more needy then me, has serious commitment issue, and eventually she will tire of him or vice versa.

His comment to me is I know you love her, I know you want to protect her, but you need to realize that a divorce is just a piece of paper, that she’s not going to let you leave her life.’
THAT STEVE HAS TO AND SHOULD LEAVE HER LIFE, which is the only way for me to grow. He said the in-house separation will only work if she honors my boundaries.

He is drawing up a plan B in case she does not.

His prediction, I will move on, my sons will detach from her. She will lose her job and then OM, she will come back to me begging and pleading for forgiveness…but, I may have moved on and found a woman that does not try to hook me by my anxiety and then attack me over it..In other words a woman who functions in a normal loving and mature way.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
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I read a lot of DR. I have to read the Infidelity chapters npw


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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