It's a better day

[adinva]

BA, been thinking about you, will check out your thread; how are you doing?

[adinva]

Oh hi CES! Yes. Mission accomplished is right. I did a good thing.

[ericmsant2]

Advina

WOW.

I'm not sure if I should applaud you for going and having to deal with your H family or if should just applaud you for not getting up and leaving.

Thank God, I only have to deal with my ex and her family on special occasions, which are defined as my kids graduations and weddings.

Thank you for posting this though...it reminds me to never agree to put myself in this kind of position. I do not believe I could have handled it as well as you did.

Peace,
Eric

[Underdog]

AD,

Up front notice: I do see that you needed a vent and a means to get through all of the events of the weekend. I promise to get back to that point.

And I know you said your desire to see these people outweighed your reservations about entering into a situation that you suspected would make you miserable... yet you did so anyway. So knowing that you consciously made that choice, did you really expect the weekend to align with your expectations? From what you've posted about your H and his family, that's like expecting a cat to bark???

If anything, now you know that if you want your S16 to spend time with people, it should be on your watch and under your own set of expectations.

Please don't get me saying this as a sign that I don't have sympathy for you dealing with their sh!t show. I do. Even the happiest of families have unspoken rules that don't suit everyone in the group. And this group's sure sound less than ideal, if not borderline cruel and mocking. I don't think I'd want my kids around this type of dynamic at all.

You're a good egg, AD. Next time, pay attention to that inner voice that tells you to continue the path you've chosen and paved? 'Cause you sound like a reasonable person.

I hope your week just gets better, starting now.

Betsey

[BeginningAgain]

BA, been thinking about you, will check out your thread; how are you doing?

Thanks AD! I'm a bit exhausted from the last couple of weeks and also from the sinus infection that I am just now recovering from. Other than that, not too terribly bad. I feel better knowing that I got the logistical stuff taken care of for my mother and also managed to get most of her financial situation under control while I was down there.

If you're still up for it, you and I need to pursue that cup of coffee sometime this spring. Best!

BA

[adinva]

Most definitely, BA.

Everyone, it is nice to know that I'm not crazy about this stuff and that other people would have a problem with it too.

Underdog, I suppose the voice in my head that says it's important to connect with your family and people who are important to you is louder than the voice in my head that says these people are not good for my kids to be around. I mean, their cousin? He's fun and cares about them and he's about the only person in our circle who has recently made the transition from college to a real job. And how can you not want to be around your grandma and dad, even if they're a little kooky? And the couple in Pittsburgh is 100% delightful, a real blessing in my life, and I only get to see them with H's family, I think I'm too far on the periphery to go visit them without H and MIL thinking I should have brought them with me, and the couple would be thinking the same thing most likely. The husband of the couple is H's brother's best friend from high school. I dunno, I think without H's family connecting us, the couple will sort of drift away from me. They're delightful but not real close to me.

I THOUGHT I was taking good care of myself by declaring my level of involvement...bringing the boy, staying offsite, not attending the game, and then it went to pot. I caved and I know it, and I would most likely make all of the same decisions the same way again if I had it to do over. In the future, it's more likely I just won't go, and won't work so hard to make sure S16 gets there. Our original plan was to stay home and we could have done that.

Or I could grow more backbone and speak up when I don't agree with something.

I did speak up to our little group about my opinion of the unsportsmanlike boooing and jeering done by the Pittsburgh fans. I liked their enthusiasm when the Penns scored, but I was not a fan of the booing and the "Flyers suck" chanting. Not cool. I suppose if I could say that, I could have said to nephew "not cool" when he needled his grandma. I would be shocked and appalled if my kids spoke to her that way.

So, I will try to stop expecting cats to bark and maybe I will try harder not to put myself in situations that make me miserable. I don't want to be one of those martyr types.

[labug]

Not much to say, I couldn't even read the whole story it got me so revved up.

I do hope your week gets better.

[adinva]

I get that, bug. There's probably a little bit of concern that I'm doing damage by enabling this influence on my kids, all in the name of family no matter what. In defense of kooky families I've got a doozy I had to put up with.

My aunt had something wrong with her. I don't know exactly what. Everyone acted like she was completely normal, just a bit of a challenge. But she was absolutely nasty, and no filter, sarcastic, mean, judgmental. She acted like she couldn't stand us but never missed a birthday or holiday, and expected the same back. The older I got the more I saw how poisonous she was. After my wedding she wrote me a letter about what the Japanese did in the war and how she'd never buy a Japanese car, basically explaining to me why I should understand that she didn't like my Japanese husband. She also spelling my last name incorrectly every single letter and card she addressed to us. Mind you she had a PhD in library science. She knew how to spell it.

I figured out in about my 20s that poison like that you can stop from spreading by letting it drop where it lands. Instead of calling my sister or my mom or my husband and telling them, can you believe this thing that M said? She's really outdone herself, she said xyz. I realized if I didn't do that, the poison didn't spread. It took some of her power away if I just let her stew and forgot about what she said to try to hurt me.

She's gone now. I remember only good things most of the time I think about her, which I think neutralizes even more of her poison. I remember my S14 as a little boy climbing up on her lap. He liked her! She was so surprised she just sat there. She hated boys and men, but she liked my little boy because he didn't even notice how she was. I remember other things that I liked about her too. I feel sorry for how she chose to live her life, or maybe didn't choose to, and I feel glad to have gotten to learn from her example, that I would rather be tolerant and look for good in people, and look for things to like. I think I learned some great things from her, unfortunately for her.

I think because that was my experience, then my kids can learn to be happier and more tolerant in spite of - or because of - the venom their elders spew around.

Does that seem misguided?

[Underdog]

AD,

Yikes! I certainly didn't mean for my comments to have you contemplating martyrdom - anything but! I don't see you as one, so please know that.

The only thing I could see - mostly from experience - is that we (and I do mean we as a collective unit here) tend to go into thought patterns that convince us that dysfunction was limited to one instance or a shorter period of time and not an ongoing thing. Hell, my family would certainly be living in a glass house if this were the case, and I would definitely NOT be throwing rocks at yours.

I did speak up to our little group about my opinion of the unsportsmanlike boooing and jeering done by the Pittsburgh fans. I liked their enthusiasm when the Penns scored, but I was not a fan of the booing and the "Flyers suck" chanting.

Sigh. Was this your first sporting event with a PA pro team? (Or has it been a long time?) Even my college roomie, whose name is the same is mine and who hails from Philly, would weigh in here. Every time a Philly fan makes the news, she apologizes on behalf of the good people. I think that Pittsburgh learned the best way to combat them is to fight fire with fire. The Phillies fans are notorious for throwing objects and spitting at the opposing pitching team in the bullpen - which is located in the heart of the fans. And just in case you haven't been to a Phillies-Nats game in DC, I'll tell you ahead of time to avoid it. Their fans are just plain mean. I say this having entered plenty of competitive arenas for a variety of sports, and have never found more mean-spirited fans. So I agree with your disgust at negative cheers - we're there to support our teams, not put someone else down.

Sadly, I used to see this at D20's volleyball tournaments. I remember one vividly - she was on a 13s team, and one heckling parent from a competitor team started shouting some rude, hideous comments to a 13 year old girl on my D20's team. A parent from another team turned around and said to the heckler, "It's a sad day, indeed, when you have to bash a little girl. She's someone's daughter, sibling, teammate and friend, and she didn't come here to play to hear your crap, so why don't YOU leave." I remember a slew of parents applauding him (including me - we're still friends to this day). I hate that sports sometimes brings out the worst in people. I think you'd see that they are generally not happy people and don't have healthy mechanisms to cope with losing. I love sports, and I love my sports teams. But in the end, losing is something they have to deal with. I have enough going on in my own life that I don't need to make others miserable around me.

For the record, sometimes you just find yourself in situations that require compromise and weeding out the important from the insane. As I said before, you went into it with the right intentions and for altruistic purposes. It's a shame that those people created unnecessary drama? And sometimes caving is a lot easier to navigate than maintaining boundaries. But in the end, I think it feels better just to say to myself, "Giving in was your choice, Betsey, so move on." Trust me - I have to do this when I come home to VA with my own nuclear family. My sister, D20 and I were miserable enough this past Thanksgiving that I'm throwing out an invite to do Thanksgiving at my house this year. If they don't accept, then they'll all have fun without me and D20 this year...

I get it. I really do. I'm also not saying you should approach all the events with a "it's never going to work" mentality. Just a dose of realistic expectations will cure that ill, AD. Nothing more, and nothing less.

I still say you're a good egg--

Betsey

[Underdog]

AD,

Does that seem misguided?

No! From what you wrote, it makes perfect sense to me. And your strategy in dropping that hot potato sounds like the perfect solution. (My sister is way better doing this than I am.)

My XH's family is from Montana, and some of them are squarely in the camp of your aunt. They're horribly prejudiced against blacks and native americans, and spew hateful, bigoted comments without filters either. It was REALLY uncomfortable for me to be around them. And like you, I started my kids out young in teaching them (well, my D20 since my D17 is a special needs kiddo and doesn't discriminate) not to make generalizations about people. Sometimes the best lessons are the ones that come out at the gate as teaching moments.

I remember once when my D20 was about 8. Her godfather was gay, and we have a lot of gay people in our lives. She came home one day from school and sat down at the dinner table and said matter-of-factly, "How do gay people have sex, and why is this important?" Her dad choked on his food and said, "I'll do dishes and watch youngest while you give her a bath and talk." LOL. Chickensh!t. So up we went to the bath and I debated on how to answer her. I finally decided to go back with accurate information and then asked her why. Someone somewhere (she went to Catholic school at the time) told her that it was a sin and an abomination. She kept her mouth shut until she got more information. Then she said something to me that has stuck with me ever since, "I still don't get why I'm supposed to despise them. Who they love is their own business." And that's how she answered the person who started this a few days later. She's been pragmatic about things ever since.

Her sister, on the other hand, is a lot like your son. She instantly can tell when people are afraid of people who are different. Instead of backing off and letting them be, she pours on the charm. While she won't literally crawl in their lap, she makes sure she puts herself in a light that makes them think about their fear and ignorance. And we're really proud that she wears the R Word t-shirt. So does my D20. The best teachers in the world are those who make those people contemplate their own existence. My MIL was one of those miserable, hateful people. I'm pretty sure she's surrounded by souls who are trying to teach her that we're all part of the human race. D20's godfather had a business card that had a byline on it: "We're all the same tribe, ya'll". True that.