I ran up 100 posts so starting a new thread. Feeling good today, although I started the day off with a nearly very bad accident that would have been entirely my fault (other than the honking nothing bad happened) followed by killing my battery waiting for my son's practice inside the warm car instead of out where I was supposed to be cheering them on. I'm starting over and having a good day now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am glad to hear you are having a better day today.
I've been reading all along, and your post the other night made me want to cry.
I have had episodes like that as well - when even after all this time, something triggers me and the pain comes back in a rush and so unexpectedly.
I try to remind myself that I am still grieving the loss of the M and that it's not a linear process. That helps me have compassion and more empathy for myself, which is something I've always had a hard time with.
Take care of yourself - you deserve it.
(((((((((Ad)))))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Argh. I need to spew this out, and I don't really want to dump it on a friend or my sister, and I don't have IC today, so I decided to come here and spew it out to see if that and a long walk get me past it.
So H took S14 Friday to Sunday to visit our good friends there with his mom and brother and our nephew driving over from his first job out in Ohio, who I haven't seen in a very long time. The desire to see these people was greater in me than the reluctance to spend time faking with my H that nothing has changed. I couldn't go initially because of a lacrosse tournament but S16 got injured so I decided to drive up between commitments I had already made to sing with the electric group on Friday and host my guitar meetup on Sunday. Plus, driving practice toward S16's license. Figured I'd get a room on Priceline.com. When H found out I was going he wanted to change all his plans, even the day of arrival, in order to carpool because it didnt' make sense to him for two cars to go. I did great on that one, just simply told him, "I don't want to carpool, I'd suggest that you stick with your existing plan without me." Yay me.
Next issue was the Pens game, which there were 6 tickets to. I said from the beginning I did not want to go. I said I was bringing S16 up to spend time with the people there, I had work to do and would do it in my hotel room while the others go to the game. Well, the husband of the couple in Pittsburgh and H's brother decided to go play golf so H and I could go to the Pens. H and I did not want to go to the Pens. The brother and the Pittsburgh friend were supposed to be spending time with the family we brought to see them. I was so annoyed. I said I still needed to do work in my hotel room so I'd skip it and H said fine, but when we arrived, I felt a lot of pressure not to waste the ticket. Not only that, but the way it worked out I didn't have enough time to even go get a hotel room before we had to leave for the game. I felt bullied, and unhappy with with situation, and was sad that I wasn't going to have my own space. I tried. I even left to go quickly get the room, but turned around when I realized it was going to be a scramble to get back in time and then they'd all be pi$sed at me for making them rush to the game. I just caved. My new digs were now sleeping in a bed with my XMIL. Oh joy.
I had to make the best of it, so I cheered up, was polite to MIL and thanked her for offering the bed. She was all "I don't know why you even needed a hotel anyway, don't you need your money for other things?" I did not respond at all.
I made the best of the game and enjoyed it quite a lot. At least the nephew from Ohio went. He was the only one at the game who we don't live near and didn't need to drive to Pittsburgh in an ice cold arena to visit with. The game was awesome. The kids aren't into hockey but it was a chance for them to experience something we wouldn't ordinarily be able to provide for them.
H was really crabby driving. He freaks out about going the exact right way in an unfamiliar city, and gets irate about how people around him drive. He had the GPS so I was trying to make conversation with MIL who I was squished up next to in the back seat but she kept interrupting me to try to help H navigate so I gave up talking to her for the ride.
No one in Pittsburgh batted an eye that I was in MIL's room, and no one acted like they knew H and I were separated either. No one said a word or asked a question, just acted like everything was perfectly normal. I needed some time to myself now and then (which in MY hotel room would have been ample) so I escaped to the living room to read or play guitar quietly while the guys watched movies.
I noticed that everyone is mean to grandma in a jokey way. Even the nephew. When the game went to OT she asked if it would continue because she didn't know if they'd end with a tie or not. Nephew said (in that you're-an-idiot voice I recognize) "Grandma what does OVERTIME mean? Obviously they're done. It's called OVER time because it's OVER and it's TIME to go." Grandma looked blank and confused. Then nephew guffawed at his funny joke so grandma could also enjoy the joke of how stupid she is. I'm so sick and tired of that dynamic in that family, it makes me sick.
Grandma did it to me at dinner. I walk into the kitchen and she said mumble mumble "see where we're going to eat?" I thought she said is this where we're going to eat, which I happened to know because I spoke about it with the Pittsburgh guy earlier, that yes, we were eating take out here, so I said "yeah". She said, You didn't hear me. You didn't listen. Let me try again, did you see where we are going to eat? (Well now I don't know what on earth she's talking about) I said "I'm confused. We're going to eat here. In the kitchen, right?" H yells, mom stop making it a puzzle just say what you're trying to say." I go look in the dining room and it's all set for a fancy dinner, with easter bunny decorations. So I oohed an ahhed about the table setting and grandma was satisfied. Oh my gosh life is difficult around this family.
I am literally starving. I'm still doing weight watchers, so I had salad about six hours ago and a diet drink at the game. The food is on the table. I put salad on my plate. Brother in law is starting to hesitatingly pick at his food. I know I should wait but I eat two pieces of lettuce. MIL says mumble mumble. I say, with a smile, are you chastising me for starting? I'm literally starving. She says "Yes, I said you have to wait bc P is going to say grace." OMG our family has never been a grace-saying family but OK I'll wait. I was trying to be discreet anyway. Whatever.
Gma picks on S14. S14 is cool, he picks on her back. But she really acts like she doesn't like him, and that bugs me. She pestered me about how he lost weight, because he looks much better, did he work hard to lose it? (I did not take up that subject with her; he's on anxiety medication that caused him to lose weight and it's none of her business)
She and H were bitterly complaining about S14 behind his back because he's very slow in the morning. It's very inconsiderate, what's wrong with him, is he always so slow, why do we have to wait for him all the time, and on and on. I got tired of listening to that too. They like to complain about someone and then pile on with agreements about how annoying that person is. This is their son/grandson, maybe they could try getting to know who he is instead of not liking how he is. I know he's slow in the morning so I wake him up early. I know he freezes up when rushed so I try to not add to his stress when he needs to get somewhere. There's a clear preference for S16 and they invite him to pile on criticism of S14 behind his back. Nice.
So in the morning, MIL tells me she got a thank you card for Pittsburgh couple. (I'm thinking ok, congratulations on your manners whatever, because I'm tired and b!tchy in my head). She tells me she wants everyone to sign it. Then she tells me she wants me to take charge now of getting everyone else to sign it because she already signed her name. (Now I'm pissed because this is her project, not mine, and she's expecting me to take over and finish it for her. I know it's a small thing but I'm so sick of being a puppet on a string in her production). THEN, she tells me I need to find a pen that's a different color from the pen she used. OMG smack my head. I told her I have one pen in my car, I'll go get it but we'll sign in whatever color that is. Argh. I did get H and the two boys to sign it. OMG I know I'm making my own self crazy and this is not a big deal but I am sick sick sick of it.
Then she tells me she has a birthday present for S14, isn't his birthday coming up? I told her it was already, April X. She said, well will you give this to him? I said "It would be real nice if you would give it to him. He was just a little disappointed on his birthday to only hear from two out of all his family," me and the Pittsburgh couple (which isn't even actually family). And the Pittsburgh couple signed the card "have fun driving" so the mistake about which kid he was somewhat offset the pleasure of being remembered on his birthday. Back to the story, Gma started hemming and hawwing about my suggestion so I said "suit yourself" and continued packing.
One more. Grandma made four plastic easter eggs. Two she gave in front of everybody to the Pittsburgh couple. No one cares, it's not like we're jealous that she gave a jelly bean to a 60 year old couple. But then she took me aside and handed me two more for the boys to give to them from her. I said "you could give them right to them, they'd like that" She said "no because I don't want to give them these in front of the Pittsburgh couple because that will make them feel bad". Another "suit yourself" moment. I took them and put them in the car.
H was fine for the 24 hours I was around him, I mostly just avoided interacting with him. Which is easy to do because he's completely disconnected from me. But it worried me a little because I'm completely disconnected and withdrawn from him to. Maybe it's ME??!! Maybe I'm the emotionally withdrawn one? OK, that's crazy. But these are things I think about.
Another one. H likes to slam S16's best friend to anyone who will listen. Kid's a Dumba$$. So MIL asked me around breakfast who was taking care of the dogs. I said "D" is. MIL says, oh, is that the irresponsible one, the one H doesn't like? I said I think he's very responsible, that's why he's taking care of the dogs. He's a great kid and a good friend. MIL wouldn't drop it. She was telling a story from long ago about some lacrosse tournament and we didnt' know he left and we found him at home. First of all, different kid. Second of all, when someone does something you don't like and they are 12, you let it go two years later because they are not the same person, and third of all that was NO BIG DEAL even back then. And oh yeah, different kid. She honestly was a dog with a bone on this and nephew joined in, oh yeah, H talks about that kid, H hates that kid. I said "I have nothing bad to say about that kid." On an on an on it went. I repeated myself once, exactly the same, I have nothing bad to say about him. OMG finally they dropped it.
I'm feeling better typing this out. I was holding onto the details to tell someone how hard my weekend was, but I didn't want to tell someone all this cr@p. This is helping.
I kept trying to keep my mind on my mission to deal with all this. My mission was to drive 4 hours each way so that S16 could spend time with his uncle, Pittsburgh friend, cousin dad and grandma. If he was interacting with them, my mission was accomplished. Everything else, I would not have driven 8 hours for, only that time for S16. So on the whole it was a success.
I did notice, H drives like a bat out of h@ll in his new Lexus. He's not as concerned about the speed limit as he has always been when I am driving.
All right. I can't think of anything else to complain about. I hope you all feel free to skip right over this whole mess. I'm going for a walk.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh yeah, when nephew and MIL were asking me if D is the friend that H can't stand, I did ask them if they could tell me which is the friend of S16's that H likes? No one could answer that. Any teenager H knows is a dumba$s. There's nothing about that specific to S16's best friend, that's about H. Honestly. He's Archie Bunker. Replace dumba$s with meathead and you have Archie Bunker.
He used to say his dad was Archie Bunker and he supposedly can't stand his dad.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am wondering why hold any of it in? Why didnt you say something then? Nip this crud in the bud. Otherwise your sons might see it as fine to pick up the nasty behavior .
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Well it's visits like those that will make you glad you are no longer related to the whole dysfunctional bunch of in-laws. What a bunch of controlling people. Hope the walk and venting helped - that's what we are here for!
Kat, I don't know, honestly. Nipping in the bud had to have happened 24 years ago when I wasn't someone who could do that. Now it feels like bickering, and making things worse, to try to do anything about it in the moment. It feels healthier to me to just not engage in it.
I do hate the idea that my kids will pick it up. I considered talking about Gma a little in the car, but in the past something that really irritated me wasn't even noticed by them and their response to my commentary makes me feel like I'm now the one criticizing someone behind their back.
My current stance is to model kinder interaction and be glad H is out of the house, but that very soft approach does sometimes feel unassertive and possibly could end up having been ineffective.
Over 24 years I've been conditioned if I object to what's going on I'm the problem...I'm bickering, I have no sense of humor, I'm picking an argument, I'm a sourpuss.
"i have nothing bad to say" was the best I could come up with for this time.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
