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Joined: Apr 2014
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hope76 Offline OP
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I am new here and hopeful that I can turn the issues in my marriage around. I obtained a copy of the Divorce Remedy book and so much makes sense and confirms my belief that our issues are common as well as fixable with some work.

First couple years of our marriage were great, then we bought big house/lots of property/acquired alot of animals responsibility. Little by little we grew more and more disconnected never taking any time for us.
When we did, it was like spending time with a sibling, spark was gone. I think we both realized it. I wasnt sure how to fix it, and he thinks it just means we dont belong together.
This came to a head 5 years ago, he was going to move out, but decided to give it another try. Well, we didnt try. I dont think we knew how. Our communication skills are lacking big time.
He also made a change in his employment which has been slow to render results, which i think is also causing him some stress. I have a stable career, good retirement and vacation. He has none of this which hurts him i am sure.

For the last year we have been walking aound like zombies hardly speaking words. It came to a head about 2 weeks ago. He is 'done', wants to sell out and move into a house by himself. Selling out or downsizing would be fine with me, but of course I want to continue our marriage.

I am trying to focus on myself, spending time with the grandkids, go to the gym, gardening, sewing etc. Hoping that this will bring out my original me.

But he has completely tuned me out. Working day and night (on our property) and at night, he sits at the counter at the computer with headphones on watching YouTube.

Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 year

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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power


Me-70, D37,S36
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hope76 Offline OP
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Yes, I do have the gift of time.
His birthday is in 2 days, I bought him a gift and would like to bake him a cake. I am worried about how he will react, if he will turn it down since he has 'made up his mind'. "Stop Trying" type of response. I am expecting the worse and hope that I can just through it should that happen. I wondered if i should just not do anything to avoid this type of conflict, but he's still my husband and I love him and I feel this is the right action to take.
The last few days it seems that we have had more 'business conversations' a few little laughs, so i feel that things might be a little better. Hoping for more baby steps.

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hope76 Offline OP
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Regarding --- Get out and GAL.
What is GAL?

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hope76 Offline OP
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I just dont understand. So tomorrow is H's birthday, asked him if I could take him to the ballgame. The response was no, dont you remember i am moving out. We are over. This then took us into a vicious circle convesation about why. He continually says he is 'done' which about flips me out. I ask him to be more specific to help me understand. He admited that he feels like I dont really love him, that I want him for convenience, want the marriage for our things, for our family. We dont have anything. I admitted to him that i know i have been taking us for granted for along time, that i havent supported or appreciaed things he has done for me for a long time. We have disconnected but i know of we touched, held hands, just slept together and had fun and spent a little time together we could make this work. He doesnt want it to work. I cried. I dont know what to do. I am not giving up. He has gone to bed now. I am going to give him a gift I bought in the morning and will try to make a little cake. Even tho he might refuse it. I will keep trying to be positive no matter what happens. I just dont see how anything in our marriage is so bad and just seems like he cant see it. I do love him.

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hope76 Offline OP
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Today is going ok. I gave him his gift which at first he wanted to turn down. He said again he has made up his mind and nothing is going to change it. He liked it. I wondered if i should have ignored his bday altoghether, but i feel that i have to continue to show him that i care, no matter what. He is still somewhat cold to me, which i dont understand. So much of this i dont understand.

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hope76 Offline OP
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Moderator? I feel like i am talking to myself, and not sure how this works or what i need to do? Please help.

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Your posts will be on moderation for a while, meaning they will be read by a moderator before being released to show up. After you post for a while, you will become a member and your posts will show immediately. post often until then.

Let us know more details of your situation, what you think caused it, etc.

There is a topic containing abbreviations near the top of the "For Newcomers" list.
GAL = Get A Life - the concept that while you cannot control or change your spouse, you can better yourself and prepare for whatever comes.

If you haven't read Divorce Remedy (DR)(preferred) or Divorce Busting (DB)book, do so immediately; all the concepts on this board relate back to those books.

Once you read one of those, you will understand why your husband was reluctant to take the bday gift.

Until you have read the book, you might want to take a look at the post at the top of the list called "Sandi's rules". It's a good place to start.

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I understand the difficulty with the birthday. Early in my situation I had my W's birthday and I skipped the gift. I only got her a card and treated her birthday like I would a neighbor or friend. Funny but Hallmark did not have a birthday card for the recently separated spouse.

You gave a gift, nothing you can change and that is behind you. All we can do is move forward.

Have you read DR? It is required reading to understand the help you will be given here on the forum.

Cadet's response, no matter how simple, is what will begin to bring you back to center. It looks simple but will take practice and lots of work to keep up with.

Find and print out Sandi's 37 rules and study them religiously. They are simple rules that will help with your behavior towards your husband so you can hopefully move forward instead of backwards. Print these out immediately.

Finally work on yourself. You cannot change your husband, only yourself. Others will echo these words of advice over and over again, but these are the steps that will help.

Also read other threads. They may not be your exact situation but there will be tons of good advice and actions for you to learn from.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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hope76 Offline OP
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Thank you, I will start reading. I am overwhelmed and scared. But I have the gift of time.. smile

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