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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Hi, I am new here. Here is my story.

On March 6th I busted my H having an affair. We have been married 8 and ½ years and have 2 small children at home (4 and 6). My husband also has two older children (19 and 25) who are not at home anymore.

I had suspicions and looked at cell phone records. I found tons of txts/calls to an unfamiliar #, called it and sure enough it was a woman. I hung up and confronted him. He confessed. I was devastated and wanted to work things out. He was uncertain what he wanted to do. I begged and pleaded that we try to work things out and said I knew I had done things wrong and was willing to take an honest look and work on things. Within about a day he came around and agreed that he would recommit to me.

He called her to break things off but insisted on doing it alone, which I knew was bad but I just wanted it over. They met through work but she is in another office in another state, she lives 2 hours away. They do not work in the same department. Unless he visits that office and runs into her he really does not have to see her again. It was a 4 month affair, both sexual and emotional. He fell deeply in love with her.

The next week or so was heinous as I began trying to piece together what happened and grilling him for details of the affair. But he seemed to be doing all the right things, seemed to be forthcoming and truly remorseful. We began seeing a marriage counselor. I was horribly hurt and angry but hopeful. Then things started to turn. He had to travel for work and as soon as he was gone I started to panic and could feel him pulling away. Sure enough by the time he got home he had completely turned on me. He was very distant and began clearly PINING for her right in front of me! He was even playing love songs clearly for her RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Of course I wondered (and still do) if he had some contact with her while he was away but I’ve never been able to verify. He maintains he has had no contact since he initially broke it off.

I quickly began losing my patience. Within less than a week of this I decided I could not take it anymore and wrote him a letter stating that I needed his commitment 100% if we were going to work on this and I clearly did not have it so he must leave. He left.

A few days later we had another marriage counselor appointment. I was not sure if H would show up but he did. Marriage counselor suggested we put more structure and rules around the separation. He said we should not speak except for logistics regarding the kids. We should each take this time to independently decide what we each want then come back together in about a week and ½ at our next counseling appointment and each state our decision. There was also to be NO contact with the affair partner during this time. We both agreed to this plan and followed the rules.

So we come back together 1 and ½ weeks later and H immediately states he again wants to recommit to working on things with me. I still want the same and am thrilled. He moves back in. The next few days are mostly blissful, he is again remorseful, we talk and make love, do fun things with the kids and while it will clearly be tough things seem optimistic. But within a few days he starts turning on me again. He begins listing all the things that have bothered him about me apparently for years and years and that I must now change or else he will leave. To be fair, he also states that he has things to change as well but the lions share of issues clearly seem to be mine.

Now I will admit the things that he states I must change are not entirely unreasonable, however, he is SO negative. I have stated from the getgo that I know I have a part in making our marriage vulnerable to this and am motivated to make changes and have been trying very hard since this came out but that is not enough. He is extremely pessimistic that I can make the necessary changes and very pessimistic that we can work this out. He is not pessimistic by nature. At times he states he is just here for the kids. He has an extremely negative view of our entire history now, which is very worrisome because I wonder how can we overcome his horrible attitude? It makes it seem so overwhelming and like we have no chance to save this. I do not see our history the same, while I agree we have had a fair bit of conflict over the years and were at times disconnected (of course moreso while he was involved), I see a counterbalance of many happy times.

I am also angry that he was apparently SO unhappy for SO many years and while I knew on some level that things were not great I had no idea that he was so far gone that he would go to the extreme of an affair and seriously contemplate leaving. I feel that I have not been given a chance and while he is giving me a bit of a chance now it’s seems very minimal.

Another issue, he continues to have very strong feelings for her. I am not sure what to make of this either. How and when will he overcome this? I fear that they are like Romeo and Juliet now, torn apart and will forever love/miss each other. How do I live with this? When will it end?

We had a long discussion this evening where all his pessimism came out again. He will state that he will continue to work on things but then in the next breath say maybe we should just end it because it would be better for the kids. I want to commit to trying for at least a year but he is reticent to commit to investing for that long. I have been trying so hard but fear that I cannot be what he wants and he will not give me a fair chance. We ended up having an argument tonight that he said ‘triggered him’ and all his bad feelings/memories of our supposedly horrible marriage. I am trying so hard but it’s still not good enough and I worry that I am losing my own self-respect. I am trying to stand up and state what I want and need from the marriage as well but even with that, the lions share of issues/work still seems to be on me which seems horribly unfair when HE is the one who had the A!!!

Needless to say, I am confused and struggling with how to handle this all. Some moments I think to myself, this is so not worth it, he is just too far gone and there is no chance of salvaging things, I need to just end this and move on. The next I think that we are exactly where you’d expect given where we are in the process.

I could desperately use some perspective! Any/all thoughts are very welcome! Thanks so much in advance for reading and reacting to my story.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Me-70, D37,S36

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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