First post. i've been reading through this amazingly helpful forum since Jan, when my H dropped bomb, of moving out and ILYBNILWY. I know he's having a classic MLC, and I'd been wanting to stand for my marriage. After the initial incorrect pleading for him to stay and work on M, and reading here and DR, I think I've been doing the right DB behavior. Being detached, warmly, and not much drama. No relationship discussion. Until this Friday afternoon (4/11/14) when I accidentally saw a FB message page between H and some blonde chick. He'd very briefly left his desk, and I delivered out mail specifically where he'd asked me to : on his keyboard. I'd just picked up the mail, and thought it odd that H was out on street in front of house on phone. Anyway, upon placing mail down, i looked up directly across from eye level seeing OW say "you're losing too much weight, your too thin!!! Get out of that house!!! Its TOXIC for you there. Call me. I love you!" Woah! I noticed her name, then immediately turned away and walked away. I did NOT want to know more. It then clicked as to why he was outside on phone. I proceeded to confront him immediately upon his re-entrance to house. It wasn't pretty for about 5 minutes, H denied anything, with a deer-in-headlights eyes. "She's just a friend. Its not what you think!"...yada yada. Within 20 min of me walking away at this point, he comes to me and said we needed to talk if i wanted the truth: that yes for 3 years he's known he wanted to divorce me. He's been in love with her. He's known her since 8th grade (evidently they reconnected with FB), she's married with a kid. He asked if I was going to be a crazed scorned wife and contact her or her husband (since he knew i saw her full name--i dont know her, though). I said I was very angry, but didnt think I'd do that. Since Jan 5th when he dropped the bomb, up until Friday, April 11th, he has been one mean and angry SOB to me. I'd been walking on eggshells and careful with my words to avoid getting cursed and yelled at. Since last Friday, I'VE been the one angry and letting him know, no longer trying to be careful. But HE has not yelled at me once since OW revealed. I did not speak to him at all yesterday. This morning, he approached me as if nothing unusual had happened between us. I remarked that all was NOT the same as before, when I'd thought he was just confused and wanted out to get space and find his unfulfilled destiny. I mentioned that so much he's said and done, I'd previously thought bizzare, now makes more sense. H went on to say that he wasn't going to take me mentioning OW for the next 19 days until his stuff move out takes place. I retorted, I didnt know how long i'd be angry since it had been less than 48 hours for me to process. I told him to LEAVE, just like OW mentioned to him on FB. Go to extended stay hotel. An hour later H found a place, was taking a suitcase and would periodically come to house until official move to get more clothes. So he's gone this afternoon. H stood outside my office (at home) in utility room, said "well I'd hoped this would end differently, but oh well! I'm off." He left. I'm not certain if I want to DB and stand, or not at this point. I do know for over a decade he and I were best friends. Or so I thought. I miss that man, not this stranger.
Listening to Funeral for a Friend, Love lies bleeding. All is bleeding in my hands...... I'm still stunned, as I thought I had til 5/2 to prepare for his leave, and it just happened out of the blue! thanks for listening to my story. I'm sorry for it's length and rambling nature.
M 56 H 51 Married 13+ total 15 no joint kids, only each from previous marriage Bomb drop 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
I am a CPA and tax deadline day is tomorrow, so I wont have much time to dwell on my sitch until then. I'll learn how to add the signature info at the bottom of my posts, then too. Crappy time of year for me for H to do this to me.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
I'm sad that since H and I only have 4 dogs in common, after his main move out early May, we wont have much opportunity to see each other for me to DB. H is taking 2 dogs, and I'm keeping 2 dogs. I do still plan to detach and GAL and work on myself. As H will be in an apartment, and dogs are Jack Russell terriers (VERY active dogs--too much for inside apartment all day), the plan is to have H drop off and pick up each day to the back yard for "doggie day care." I technically wont have to see H. I'll not express any more anger to him if i DO see him in back yard. Unless OW is in car with him in MY backyard!! I'm not sure what I'd do if i see her. Any suggestions?
by the way, the header "funeral for a husband" might lead some to think H died. Should i change it? is it even possible to? Thanks for every comment.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
Elton John's Funeral For a Friend, Love Lies Bleeding has been a favorite since early college days. It immediately grabbed me in the '70s, and so apt for my story now. Even as recent as Nov 2013, H and I went up and down French Quarter New Orleans, and some club had a great band doing covers there. This one I kept yelling out to be played (with too much Hurricane's in my system to know it wouldnt be possible for band to play this type of song). H even went up to band member and gave them tip to play another Elton song. We had a great time on that last trip together in N.O./Biloxi. A once a year small vacay we'd enjoyed together. Hard to believe it's so close, yet so far away....
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
Thanks for "getting it," HollyAnn. I think its you that has a hopeful story on this board. Many on here will hope to have your sitch happen to them. I'm still not certain if that's what I still want. The monster that came out of H gives me great pause. And since we dont have children, only shared dogs, and history....
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
I know what you mean; we have no kids together. We had dogs too. The thing to remember is that it takes a long time; and don't ruin a good LRT with weakness.
It's difficult until you get on a roll with NC. At this point in time, contact is an irritant to WAS, even if THEY are the ones initiating.
