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cczamo Offline OP
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First post. i've been reading through this amazingly helpful forum since Jan, when my H dropped bomb, of moving out and ILYBNILWY. I know he's having a classic MLC, and I'd been wanting to stand for my marriage. After the initial incorrect pleading for him to stay and work on M, and reading here and DR, I think I've been doing the right DB behavior. Being detached, warmly, and not much drama. No relationship discussion. Until this Friday afternoon (4/11/14) when I accidentally saw a FB message page between H and some blonde chick. He'd very briefly left his desk, and I delivered out mail specifically where he'd asked me to : on his keyboard. I'd just picked up the mail, and thought it odd that H was out on street in front of house on phone. Anyway, upon placing mail down, i looked up directly across from eye level seeing OW say "you're losing too much weight, your too thin!!! Get out of that house!!! Its TOXIC for you there. Call me. I love you!" Woah! I noticed her name, then immediately turned away and walked away. I did NOT want to know more. It then clicked as to why he was outside on phone. I proceeded to confront him immediately upon his re-entrance to house. It wasn't pretty for about 5 minutes, H denied anything, with a deer-in-headlights eyes. "She's just a friend. Its not what you think!"...yada yada. Within 20 min of me walking away at this point, he comes to me and said we needed to talk if i wanted the truth: that yes for 3 years he's known he wanted to divorce me. He's been in love with her. He's known her since 8th grade (evidently they reconnected with FB), she's married with a kid. He asked if I was going to be a crazed scorned wife and contact her or her husband (since he knew i saw her full name--i dont know her, though).
I said I was very angry, but didnt think I'd do that. Since Jan 5th when he dropped the bomb, up until Friday, April 11th, he has been one mean and angry SOB to me. I'd been walking on eggshells and careful with my words to avoid getting cursed and yelled at. Since last Friday, I'VE been the one angry and letting him know, no longer trying to be careful. But HE has not yelled at me once since OW revealed. I did not speak to him at all yesterday. This morning, he approached me as if nothing unusual had happened between us. I remarked that all was NOT the same as before, when I'd thought he was just confused and wanted out to get space and find his unfulfilled destiny. I mentioned that so much he's said and done, I'd previously thought bizzare, now makes more sense. H went on to say that he wasn't going to take me mentioning OW for the next 19 days until his stuff move out takes place. I retorted, I didnt know how long i'd be angry since it had been less than 48 hours for me to process. I told him to LEAVE, just like OW mentioned to him on FB. Go to extended stay hotel. An hour later H found a place, was taking a suitcase and would periodically come to house until official move to get more clothes.
So he's gone this afternoon. H stood outside my office (at home) in utility room, said "well I'd hoped this would end differently, but oh well! I'm off."
He left.
I'm not certain if I want to DB and stand, or not at this point. I do know for over a decade he and I were best friends. Or so I thought. I miss that man, not this stranger.

Listening to Funeral for a Friend, Love lies bleeding. All is bleeding in my hands......
I'm still stunned, as I thought I had til 5/2 to prepare for his leave, and it just happened out of the blue!
thanks for listening to my story. I'm sorry for it's length and rambling nature.

M 56
H 51
Married 13+
total 15
no joint kids, only each from previous marriage
Bomb drop 1/5/14
OW 4/11/14


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power


Me-70, D37,S36
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cczamo Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet. Your advise is perfect!

I am a CPA and tax deadline day is tomorrow, so I wont have much time to dwell on my sitch until then. I'll learn how to add the signature info at the bottom of my posts, then too.
Crappy time of year for me for H to do this to me.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
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So sorry that you are in this aweful situation. Listen to what Cadet says, above. Be kind to yourself.

Jenn


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
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cczamo Offline OP
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Thanks JennD.
I'll have to go read your story, as your Bomb looks more recent than mine.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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I'm sad that since H and I only have 4 dogs in common, after his main move out early May, we wont have much opportunity to see each other for me to DB. H is taking 2 dogs, and I'm keeping 2 dogs. I do still plan to detach and GAL and work on myself. As H will be in an apartment, and dogs are Jack Russell terriers (VERY active dogs--too much for inside apartment all day), the plan is to have H drop off and pick up each day to the back yard for "doggie day care." I technically wont have to see H. I'll not express any more anger to him if i DO see him in back yard. Unless OW is in car with him in MY backyard!! I'm not sure what I'd do if i see her.
Any suggestions?

by the way, the header "funeral for a husband" might lead some to think H died. Should i change it? is it even possible to?
Thanks for every comment.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 124
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Don't change the title of your thread.
I got it immediately. smile

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cczamo Offline OP
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Elton John's Funeral For a Friend, Love Lies Bleeding has been a favorite since early college days. It immediately grabbed me in the '70s, and so apt for my story now.
Even as recent as Nov 2013, H and I went up and down French Quarter New Orleans, and some club had a great band doing covers there. This one I kept yelling out to be played (with too much Hurricane's in my system to know it wouldnt be possible for band to play this type of song). H even went up to band member and gave them tip to play another Elton song. We had a great time on that last trip together in N.O./Biloxi. A once a year small vacay we'd enjoyed together.
Hard to believe it's so close, yet so far away....


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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Thanks for "getting it," HollyAnn. I think its you that has a hopeful story on this board. Many on here will hope to have your sitch happen to them. I'm still not certain if that's what I still want. The monster that came out of H gives me great pause. And since we dont have children, only shared dogs, and history....


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 124
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I know what you mean; we have no kids together. We had dogs too.
The thing to remember is that it takes a long time; and don't ruin a good LRT with weakness.

It's difficult until you get on a roll with NC. At this point in time, contact is an irritant to WAS, even if THEY are the ones initiating.

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cczamo Offline OP
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Well my tax season is over and I'm able to breathe again today 4/16!! But H decides to bombard me with texts emails and phone calls about moving divorce forward. Geesh! H doesnt even let me have one day of freedom after working every day since Feb 1st! I went for a run, and he called 2 times. i of course dont answer when running (H doesnt even take cell phone on his runs). I get back home to computer and see he's emailed that i "obviously only want to respond to email not texts or phone calls, so i can have documentation", and "I guess we will just cease all communications." I'd reiterated via email response that its better if temporarily, we dont see each other or have phone conversations as I'm still apt to say something hurtful out of my anger. I said is only temporary, but I'm not sure when I'll be ready to talk--but it's only been less than a week from me discovering OW.
One of H texts is asking me to if I've heard back from my cousin, who's drawing up our D papers. I only sent the email to cousin on Sunday afternoon. H is like a kid on a car ride, "are we there yet? "Are we there yet?" Obviously, H cant get D fast enough. I dont know if OW (who is married still) is pushing him, or if he's afraid he'll change his mind? Why the frantic attitude? What is the rush? I've already told him that i will comply. H has been nicer to me though, since the OW was discovered last Friday. I know H is concerned that I might contact the H of OW. Today H sent 4 texts, 4 emails and H attempted calling me 3 times. All about different issues in relation to winding up his stuff's move out May 2. H has already moved out to hotel on 4/14. In one of his emails to me today H wrote, "I acknowledge your anger. I am not happy about the chunk of change I'm outlaying for temporary living arrangement."
H then proceeds to forward email to me from his boss, who has asked H to pick one of two available dates to meet H's company's (Fortune 200) CIO. H indicated to his boss that neither of those dates are available, as he will be moving. The email chain continues with his boss asking about availability on weeks before or after May 2. H writes to boss "I am not open to anytime that week or the following week Sorry…. I have very rarely asked for any type of special dispensation, but this is one of those times.
Hopefully this isn't career limiting but it is what it is... " H forwards to me with comment: "i dont even care anymore." H is in major self-destructive mode lately. I pray for him, even though I cant live with him.
I cannot believe H is destroying so much of what he's worked very hard for years to attain. Our house, (3/27/14 I bought his equity out), his job, which he took such pride in attaining his level. Most importantly H destroyed our M, which HE pursued me relentlessly for years, when I wasnt initially even that interested in him. All through out M,even up to 2 years ago, H, when introducing himself to people would say "I'm her LAST husband" when I'd say "This is my second husband."

Confused. I know I shouldnt try to understand or get answers.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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cczamo Offline OP
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I just posted under goals, but am posting here also:

My goals:

1- remove STBX from speed dial on my cell.

2- learn computer and cell tech so I dont have to ask STBX (my tech specialist) for help any more. Or to find good help on this from others.

3- get back to maintaining my cool, yet friendly DB with STBX after losing it last FRiday upon my discovering OW.

4- planning ahead more re GAL, rather than thinking of what to do that same day.

5- Find out what I like to do, and do it. Still not sure what that is, in terms of hobbies, etc.

6- Work on making new single girl friends.

7- becoming more independent and being brave enough to go out and meet new people by myself. Even consider planning a trip alone, because traveling alone scares me to death.

8-keep off the 15 lbs that DB stress allowed me to lose without any more additional pain than I was already feeling with Separation/D/OW/BD...

9-Become the woman that H was crazy to leave,

10-Detach and detach and detach to the point where, at some point down the road, I'll catch myself and say, "Wow, it's been xx (hours, days, weeks, or months) since I've (been sad about XH, or thought about XH), because my life is so awesome without him.

11- get to the point where I dont look forward to being giddy when H realizes what a HUGE mistake he made in destroying our M and leaving me.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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cczamo Offline OP
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STB XH came over today to pack up some of his stuff (big move is on 5/2/14). Our last interaction was rather cold and distant (my choice due to just discovering his OW). Today I was as positive and nice -- no R talk. I offered to help him & he asked me to help some by holding boxes while he taped and other tasks requiring two people. H did monster with me, but I ignored and acted friendly. Rather than linger and hang around him, I'd go to different room after helping him each time, and he called me back to help him several times. Helping him box up and tape..wow this is really happening!
Not certain if i'll see him again til 5/2. i wont initiate any contact, though. I don't feel much of any thing, not sadness, not anger. Not today, at least.

Am GAL. After brief run, I went to volunteer to pack meals for the hungry in Haiti. I met several people at my volunteer table also funneling rice, weighing it and measuring the food packets. Trying to put myself "out there" in new situations and meeting people by myself. I am introverted so this is not easy, but today wasn't nearly as difficult as I expected.
This evening, I called a new friend from DivorceCare group to meet me for Cuban food at the spur of the moment.
Tomorrow, Easter.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
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Sounds like you are doing well! Great GAL'ing! And very good interactions with H...

Keep the good working going!


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
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cczamo Offline OP
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Well this DB and being positive w/ my interactions is not as easy as I'd expected. I just hung up on my STBX when after I'd asked for copies of the latest invoices of satellite, internet and telephone providers that I'm supposed to take over, H indicated that this was all so simple, but that he should have known it would be too complicated for me to handle. Actually, H insulted me more than that, but that's the shortened, paraphrased version. I just hung up on him, and immediately sent him an email (which he does not want to communicate via, since it "documents" our conversation) that said "Going forward I will NOT remain in any discussion where I am insulted. Discussion will terminate immediately upon your turning the discussion to insults."

Probably should have been upbeat and positive in a response to turn conversation around, such as "I understand that you think i'm incapable of handling a simple task, and that I'm stupid." But the CPA in me wanted to potentially get a bundled service of all three (land line, internet and cable) rather than just take over his three different providers.

So I need to be better prepared in future to absorb his insults, and not take it personally, but not react. Rather, respond.

I'm better now. Thanks for putting up w/ my venting.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 124
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Wow.

He needs to back off and stop pressuring you. This D affects you too and you don't have to move at his breakneck pace.

H needs to understand that he is not the only one who will be calling the shots now.

You're doing good; stay strong.

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cczamo Offline OP
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Thanks, HollyAnn. He's been gone 11 days, now. I'm trying to not miss him, even though my interactions this year have been with his MAJOR monstering like I've never known him to do. Alot of it was due to his quitting 2 antidepressants and all alcohol cold turkey in January.
I can't imagine that he's not feeling any guilt about all this leaving and his monstering B. He sometimes does email or voice message an apology the next day, though.
I cant decide if I'd rather interact with him and take the B as the price paid, or if I'd rather have him gone, but no monstering. Humans can get used to abuse, which IS what the monstering B really is, if labelled truthfully.
I wonder if MLC WAS's feel much if any guilt, or if they've been drinking their own kool-aide and believe their version of rewritten history and think their bad treatment of LBS is deserved.?


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 222
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Sorry to jump in but in my case yes I believed what I said when mlc, and yes at times I showed remorse but no apology. Now, oh holy hell what guy I would kill to ever treat or talk to my daughter the way I treated my W. My W pointed that out long ago but I ignored it and the level of regret I have is unbearable. Just know it'll get worse, I did, before and if he changes.


W-37
Me-37
M-16yrs & 5days
W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014
D-8/13/2014
S16
S13
S11
D8
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cczamo Offline OP
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Thank you for your candor, whytry. It really helps me to understand him. I guess you also would advise that i detach and GAL.
I do really love him and hate seeing him destroy so much of what he worked hard for, not only our M, but his relationship with my S30, his stepson, who he absolutely loved. I think he almost wants to be fired from his director position at Fortune 200 co. he worked so hard for years, and was very proud at each promotion. I have compassion for him, but i feel as if I need to stay away from him to avoid the "tornado" he blows at me.
I know another man from DivorceCare who had A with a woman he knew from high school while his W was in hospital. He is now very remorseful, esp for breakup of his family.
Whytry, i will read up on your sitch, and hope the best for you.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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My stbxH is at my house now getting things. The movers come for his big stuff tomorrow morning.
He came by yesterday evening before I was leaving and he brought one of his twin daughters to help him. Had not seen her since early Jan. I hugged her longer than I ever have. And she hugged me back. Then 30 min later, I needed to leave, I said, "one last hug. Dont know when I'll see you again." I left the house with tears in my eyes, needing a tissue to wipe the tears while driving to my final DivorceCare class. I have now "graduated." Too many finales at the moment.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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I failed to mention that H came over last Sunday to start moving packed boxes from his 2 "staging area bedrooms" to the garage. He had color coded order of laying them out from back to edge (Last in first out system). My sister, who is moving in to house with my niece in a few weeks had been over with her boyfriend. We'd been cleaning out places in attic and storage shed for her to put things. We'd started working in garage and H arrived, making known that he expected us all to stay out of his way. My Sister's boyfriend, David (who has known and liked my H for years) spoke out and said, "we wont be in your way, man...keep on doing your thing, and we'll be fine doing ours!" to which H said, "well I'M the one on a deadline and moving" in a very antagonistic voice. My sister chimed in "I'm moving too, and I need to get stuff ready as well." and her boyfriend David, got visibly upset. My H then said "F.U., David", to which David said "F.U. H"....then shouting match ensued. I walked up to H and said, "do I need to call the police?" H shouted "I'm entitled to be in this house through end of April!!!" and I said, as calmly as possible, "and your move out date wiht movers is May 2nd, after you are entitled to access. So if you'll just work with me, I'll be willing to work with you." H stormed back in to the house, but he did come out later and apologized to David. "hey man, i really like you. You're a great guy and I'm sorry I lost my temper back then. " and then an hour later H came to David and said "you and your brother Joe were always such great hosts and gracious friends to me, so please again accept my apology, and give my best to your brother for me." H tried to apologize to my sister, but she did not respond to him. she later told me that she was so upset that she could not speak. H apologized to me a few days later saying that he was embarrassed at what he said and did. H has been very nice to me as this last few days have passed and he's been out to house to pick up things. he's set up my new sound system/speakers/tv set up, as it's all greek to me. He even told me that he'd come back later after his move settled down to rewire the Klipsch speakers better as he didnt like how he did it first time. He left all his keys other than last one to gain access for tomorrow. Locksmith coming next Tuesday. He'll get his two dogs (my fur babies, alas!!), and we'll discuss later how the dog sitting will work.
this is all REALLY going down.
With the exception of the garage shouting match, and asking him if I needed to call police (as nicely as I could), I've been trying to be the nice (but detached) wife he'd be crazy to leave.

Trying now (Thursday) to plan for the GAL weekend ahead. I go to dinner/movie Friday night, but other than that and church on Sunday, i have no real plans. Maybe I'll go to the lake and run/walk around it Saturday morning. Unfortunately, H does same on Sat mornings usually (15+ years ago, I invited him to do this with me and my Saturday morning lake running group), so may see him there. But it's a big lake and lots of people go around it. Sat am lake-running was a part of me before meeting him, and it will be a part of me after him.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Happy Cinco de Mayo (probably belatedly by time this is posted)!

Journaling: I think of the Cinco de Mayo's I have spent with my ex over the last 15 years. that was always one of "our" holidays. Last Friday, May 2, H had his movers come get his furniture and now he's all out. I did get a chance to get hugs from his two daughters who'd come to help their dad. I got a bit emotional with one of them, and tried to hold it inside. Wasnt fooling anyone. I slept well that night (and the night before--no sleepless night-before-anticipation at all). Not much sad or glad emotion really.

I spent hours working out in the yard cleaning up dead leaves, trimming shrubs, cleaning out garage, and was so tired that I cancelled going out with friends to dinner/movie.
Sat I ran a "loop" around White Rock Lake, which is something I'd not done in over 15 years. Was proud of myself. Walked like a crab the next day, though.

Only when H contacts me about something do I then ask him about stuff (not R stuff, but how did this remote button work, or where is other phillips head screwdriver stuff). I just make a list and wait for him to contact me. At end of this week, H will get in touch about getting his two dogs (really my dogs, but they are his 2 favorite, and i cannot handle 4 Jack Russells easily).

I've been too exhausted over past week to really have much emotion.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Posts: 110
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The divorce petition was filed today. The D will be final July 7.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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More journaling. (I really do need to remember to journal here rather than in my paper journal.)
H came by last Fri at 4 to pick up his 2 dogs. He was very tired or depressed. Not sure which, but he had purchased two dog harnesses that he could not properly adjust to fit Pixie and Google (his 2 dogs), so I cheerfully volunteered to do it for him. He mentioned that his work was stressful and that he needed to go to starbucks to get coffee drink to perk up.
I gave him some expensive doggie supplies (teeth cleaning treats and enzymes) as well as rag towels to wipe mud from their paws. I did indicate that I needed to start getting ready to go out as I had "plans." He never asks about where/what/with whom, so I sincerely believe H does not care. I just wanted to be the first to end our visit, and not linger.

On GAL front, went out of town to niece's college graduation on Sat., and Sunday spent Mothers day with my mom in am, at church and brunch, then Mothers day with my son and d-in-law for dinner.
While at my sons apartment, H texted me that he was dropping his two dogs off at my backyard. I arrived home at 10pm to find them happily running around with my 2 dogs. Also found 2 sets of photos from our wedding photo on the concrete porch steps. No message with them. I guess he just didnt want them.
Not certain if I'd have preferred that he just trashed them without letting me know, or if I'd rather that he just leave them on the steps without a note.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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I've read Divorce Remedy back in January, and looked in the index, but cannot find explanation of "cake eating." Is there any good description of cake eating or examples on this forum?


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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More Journaling: soon to be x H just came over again for second week of picking up dogs for the weekend. He was indifferent/ neutral in his behavior towards me. I.e. not trying to pick fight, but also not asking me any questions about anything. It was obvious that my sister had moved in, but no questions about that either. It appears more obvious to me that in his mind he does not care about me or my life any longer. Given that we have only dogs, no shared kids, and divorce will be final in 5 weeks,

I will keep DB, but wonder if there is any chance of reconciling. I consciously ran through my mind before he arrived today to be friendly and upbeat, treat him like a neighbor, and no R questions. Put on flattering clothes. I noticed (but did not remark about) that he'd lost even more weight. He looked good. Should I have mentioned it? It would be somewhat of a 180, but then that might have appeared to be borderline asking about his personal life. I did ask about how to treat aunt mounds in yard dogs run around in, but that's it. Regarding GAL: going out to dinner with friends tonight and movie. Tomorrow running at lake, then noon brunch with other friends. Sunday church. not sure about Sat afternoon/evening yet.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Feb 2014
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happy birthday cczamo! sorry i'm late smile
I think you did the right thing not mentioning the weight loss. All the things you listed on your own actions are exactly the things I do. Treat him like a neighbor or co-worker, no R talks. I let him start the conversation. Is yours in MLC? He sounds kinda like my exH. There is no way to know if you'll ever reconcile but you have to just be patient and see what happens. Let what happens happen in God's time. I thought mine would be gone like the wind since he was in such a big hurry, but he's still doing touch and go's usually every 2 weeks I'll hear from him - it wouldn't surprise me if you hear from yours in the future. You will feel better after the D is final I think, I certainly did. So glad you did the divorcecare class - that helped me SO much, I'm still reading that book again because i've moved through most of the rebuilding blocks and like to see it at each new point in my life, making sure that i'm not stuck anywhere. Don't worry about what he is thinking right now, there's no way to know that. In my mind there's no way he isn't reminded of you on a daily basis, just as you are reminded of him. He's just had a lot more time to plan for it than you did since he is the one that BD'd. Forgiveness is key - him and yourself. Take care, hope you had a good birthday - i saw your note that your stbx texted you - mine forgot my birthday all together and we were still living together at the time. so at least ya got that note!! laugh


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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Thanks, TL...
I had a pretty good birthday despite my new "single" situation. I did have a very POTENT margarita, which triggered a sadness for a small time.

Yes, I definitely think H is in MLC. I agree, all on God's time, and who knows? I may do a 180 from wanting H back someday. After all, H has done a 180 in wanting divorce. If the MLCer ever does come back, they'd have done a 180 again, which equals 360, so no wonder they're confused!

TL I bet your X did remember your bday, but decided against recognizing it for whatever his reasons are.

I have definitely been pulled back into my faith in a big way...I think this D may have been Gods way to get my attention....God saying "HELL-OH!!! Remember ME?" Now I do remember Him.

I hope you're having a great weekend GAL-ing!


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Not much going on since my last post here. I've had an interested "suitor" from my divorcecare class ask me out several times. I've turned him down, as I'm not divorced just yet. D will happen next month, but I'm still not ready to get emotionally involved with anyone. I'm still praying for my H to get through his MLC and want to restore M and R within a year or 2. Crazy isnt it? What are the odds: no joint kids, I rarely see H, perhaps 1 or 2 x per week for 1 minute or so when he picks up or drops off his dogs. I have coded access gate and doggie doors to inside of house so its not necessary for me to see him when he drops them off. I make it a point intentionally to NOT see him every time.

In baby steps, I am getting better, however last week email H sent to L requesting expedited D really got me down. That day after work, I got in bed early and cried a few hours while listening to music. I really haven't had good cry since the bomb drop. That was something about me that bothered H, that I was an ice queen and unfeeling. I'm a CPA, not really the emotional, weepy type. I do feel, but am not demonstrative. I was starting to think I needed to get a sad chick flick to make myself have a good cry, but it naturally happened. Had puffy eyes the next day.
I have so much to be thankful for, so I try to remember that fact. New resolution: I'm going to try to think of one thing I'm thankful for each day before getting out of bed in morning.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Jan 2014
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Just dropping by to mention 2 things that resonate with me about this post: 1. My H and his EA referred to me as IP(ice princess) in their texts as an inside joke. It ceased being funny when I busted him on it and he has apologized multiple times since. However, as much as it stung me to know that (and how stupidly immature it was), I realized I didn't want to be that way. He was right, and I have been actively working on being more affectionate with everyone in my life through IC. Throughout this whole thing, I can honestly say I have become a better mother, daughter and friend as a result.
2. There's a "thing" on the social media sites called 100 Days of Happy. It challenges you to post something every day that is a positive in your life. It really does help your PMA. If you shoot over and read my thread update, yesterday was the lowest point of my life, but I was still able to post my Happy Day entry about how I have fantastic friends (no, I am not someone who airs dirty laundry online so the web has no idea WHY my friends were so fabulous yesterday).

Just my .02

Hang in there!


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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cc - it's good you had a good cry, got to get that grief out. So glad you're in divorcecare, such a good thing to do for yourself, I credit those meetings with most of my improvement. Good for you on saying no to the suiter, that's better than accepting for no reason and regretting it. When the timing is right you'll know inside. I feel exactly the same way about what you said about this being God's way of getting your attention... the same exact thoughts went through my mind and he has it now. Yes being grateful for your blessings every day is a great thing to do for your attitude. I would list them, either in my journal or just say them out loud after praying to remind myself that life is good. It could be a lot worse that's for sure. Take care


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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TL, this is too funny, but my soon to be ex H's initials are TL, and lately in all his emails to me, he signs off that way, as if I don't know his last initial. I know he's just distancing.

Good idea about listing my blessings in my journal. I am bad about journaling here, as I sometimes can't recall if I've already mentioned something, and where I already journaled it...here or in my handwritten one. Cant let this page get lost for lack of posting though.

You take care, too.
cc


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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oh no, that is funny that we have the same initials, yikes! sorry if I'm a reminder wink I have not journaled in probably a week, I need to make time, just been running around like a whirlwind the last few weeks, hopefully tonight i'll have some time to myself to do just that. It does feel good to get it out of my head smile
my ex doesn't even sign off on his emails.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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my ex used to sigh off "T" or xo
now "TL"
I started responding with my three initials.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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Journal update:
this past weekend I really GALed and coincidentally, one of stbH dogs got sick with vomiting and diarrhea. H called leaving VM and texted on Sat asking if he could drop sick dog (Pixie) off at house Sat, picking up Sunday, since his apartment was constantly having to be cleaned and I had doggie door access. I said yes,and if you want, bring your brand new rug that she dirtied, and clean with hose in back yard, if you wish. I also indicated that I would not be at house to watch her Sat night or Sunday first half of day.

On Sunday afternoon when he texted that he'd be by house to pick dogs up at 2:15 I responded, " Okay,I will just be getting home at about that time." Then when he arrived, I went outside (where he can let himself into yard), and I was still in my church clothes with my purse over shoulder shoulder to tell him Pixie seemed fine as did all other dogs. Thats when he remarked, "well I'm glad that I helped you get your social life going!" I asked him "I beg your pardon?" He said, I see that you're never home and you're going to church, going out, running at the lake...all the things I wanted you to do with me, you're doing now." I then said, "I hope that you are happy for me, regarding the improvements I've made in my life." To that he muttered something derogatory under his breath. I then said to him, "I always wanted for you to stop drinking in our marriage, and now that you HAVE stopped drinking over the past months, even though you're not doing it with me and for our marriage, I'm happy for you achieving that goal. I don't understand why you cannot be happy for me?" Then I mentioned that I'd been praying for him to have strength to continue not drinking. He said, "don't pray for me, pray for yourself." I said, "I do! I pray for us both!" He left angry with me.

Later in afternoon, he emailed unfriendly toned email regarding a phone bill that he'd just agreed to pay two days earlier on Friday, saying "you owe me." He also sent an email to attorney (cc'd to me) saying "This is a reminder to expedite divorce papers needing our signatures, as we are 'due in court' two weeks from tomorrow." It has been explained to us that two weeks from tomorrow is the earliest we can get D finalized. There is no appointment, and no due date in court, however. You just show up.
H is seemingly hurrying up D, as if he's in a panic. this is his second expediting request to atty in 2 weeks.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Feb 2014
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How are you doing cc?
I like your response to him "I hope that you are happy for me, regarding the improvements I've made in my life".
It's hard not to react and bring up other things - communication is hard with an MLC'er and when mine is angry I just do not do it. Let him spew whatever he wants and try not to let it effect you. He's probably an angry person right now blaming you for things that don't exist. Just keep livin' girl. Once the d is final he probably thinks he'll be happy. He'll see that's just not true when it happens. Not your problem though, you're only responsible for your own happiness and good for you on GAL. Keep that up. You will never understand why he can't be happy for you, he's in his own world right now. Just let him continue on his journey and figure it out for himself. Focus on you.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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I am trying focus on me, and not as much on MLC any longer. Reading so much on MLC has confirmed my understanding that H leaving is not really about me, although I do claim my part in the downfall of my M.

Who am I now that I’m not a part of a couple? What do I like? Some things are obvious, such as running, and some other hobbies I enjoyed when I met my H. But I was a single mom at the time, and now my son is grown, so my activities from 15+ years ago are no longer me.
I had to think for 30 minutes to come up with just 10 things for my “bucket list.” It should not take that long. I’ve been going to DivorceCare again, and an infidelity support group. The question for me is how do I stand for my M, even after the D, if and until H remarries, is not easy on my psyche. I’m very conflicted about how it affects my mental health, so I pray a lot, and do get a great amount of peace about waiting longer for a possible miracle.

I may put standing behind me at some point, but for now, I feel a strong conviction to wait longer.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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CC good for you - you sound stronger already. That is exactly the things I did too - reading so much on MLC, getting a decent understanding of it, figuring out what I liked as an individual, bucket list - yes it took me a long time too, I don't think I even have 10 lol. Going to divorcecare is one of the best things you could do for yourself, it was a life changer for me. I was standing too but came to the conclusion when I was done, I was done. It's different for everyone. you'll know each day that "it's not today" that you choose to stop standing. you don't ever have to stop, but when and if you're ready to, you'll know, just listen to your inner voice. I prayed 10 times a day and that helped me more than anything to survive. I still pray but usually 2 or 3x because I'm not as overwhelmed as I was. It does give you peace and especially if you give it all to God. It's in his hands. That was a tremendous relief for me. Keep up the positive attitude, it really helps you work through this process


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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divorce will be final in days, and I'm thinking less about it and soon to be ex H. I guess I'm doing better at Gal'ing.

my bucket list for my journal and future reference:

Learn to play golf.
Travel solo (yikes!)
See the grand canyon from the ground (not airplane).
Hold a future grandbaby (I know: out of my control!)
Create/paint/sculpt something of beauty
See a shooting star that I always miss.
See aurora borealis again.
Conquer my fear of heights (double yikes!)
Increase vocabulary.
master the BBQ grill left by xH and make better ribs than he did.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Sep 2013
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Hi cc! Just got done reading your thread. Wow - so much to have happen in such a short time, just like TL. And you both seem to have handled it sooo well given the time frame. I don't know if I could have handled it as well - it has taken me so long to get to this point, but I think maybe it's because after H left (Apr '13) we never really talked much and when we did we were very nice to one another, but he waited until Feb '14 to initiate D proceedings. So I have been through the process of slowly removing the bandage, where you (and TL) have had it ripped right off. I can see the advantage to that.

Amazing how the majority of stories revolve around a WAS/MLC who had been thinking/planning this for YEARS before DB. Never ceases to amaze me. And here they expect us to just go along with the program like we are all on board with it. Then there's the OP - doesn't take 'em long to jump right into another relationship just to make things even more complicated. Thanks . . . just heap the plate to full!!

Oh well, you sound like you are doing a great job. I noticed your final date is only days away, but it appears you are doing well with this? Do you have to be there in court? Mine will be at the end of Aug and neither one of us has to be there. Today, I think I will be 'okay' only because my stbx has and will be gone until the end of July. We literally haven't spoken since May, although he did leave a VM message on my phone June 8 'just saying hi'. He left on a month long vacation June 21. So, I don't know if it's better to have some verbal contact so you can get some idea where they are - I have no clue other than he is just GONE! Big coward....And I really don't want to see or talk to him. I just know it will tear me apart for some stupid reason. Right now I feel like I just want to cut him off and toss him aside like he did to me.

You and TL both went to DivorceCare - I need to look that up and see if it is in my area. Sounds like good stuff, although I have been reading "Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends" - even have the work book. Has helped quite a bit. Did you use this book in your group?

Wow,sorry to have rambled on a bit here on your thread, but I wanted to say I liked your bucket list - actually there are a few on there I've had on my 'old' list that will make it to my 'new' list. One of those has to do with the aurora borealis except in my case I've never seen it. Wh

And your GAL efforts are really good. Sometimes I find I just do things just to do them, not really something I'm all that excited about, but I usually do find something good in having done it. Do you find that to be true? Tonight a relatively unknown little band is playing at this small venue in one of the local 'shires' that I thought I'd go see either by myself or invite a friend.

Geez, I've gone on enough here, cc. Again, my apologies. I will keep checking on you. You are doing GREAT! (((()))))


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
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Oh, and one more thing, love your tag line....I got it right away, too. smile


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Thanks, T-boned! ((((to you, too!)))
My D will happen tomorrow if all goes as planned, and I'm absolutely NOT going to court. I have a full day and will think of it like any other day, as TL suggested. To quote her " It's just a piece of paper, and just a regular day."
I hope that can be my mantra, like the other mantra suggested, "may he have all the good things that I wish for myself" and I'll REALLY be saying it over and over again, all day, tomorrow.

And yes, I do think you are right that taking off the bandage quickly is better, but downside is that I'm still off and on in shock about the entire sitch, thinking that I'll just wake myself up from this nightmare!

It's hard when you dont have kids in common with the MLCer, as you dont have much reason to do DB techniques. I suspect that our no "kids group" has much less success with MLCer returning, but that's just a guess. So, I Gal. Yes, my Galing is sometime just going through the motions. But hey! you cant have life give you a new open door, if you dont go stand by any new doors! Right? I'm faking it till I make it. But it's good to know you feel the same way. Sort of a loneliness in the crowd kind of experience.

I'll look into your book, as that is not the one used by DivorceCare. They have their own book which covers points from a video that group watches, then the book has daily homework related to the session of the week.
I think the Rebuilding book youre reading may have been used by TL, though, and I know what ever she used, she mentioned really helped her "do the work." I'm struggling with "doing the work." As I'm struggling with just getting a bucket list.
But absolutely the aurora b is something to see. It is a lifetime experience. I saw on my honeymoon, and I want to see again so I don't have to think of H when I think of the aurora. I hope you do get to see it.

No need to apologize! I'll be keeping an eye on you, too!
(HUGS back to you, T-Boned)
smile
cczamo


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Thanks for your kind words. Cc,I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you do just treat it like any other day. Those mantras can really help when you feel yourself slide a bit. And the one about your STBX having all the good things you wish for yourself, I've been saying that for like two months and sometimes it just makes me feel better for having said it. Like I'm taking the high road in all of this.

Yes, the kid connection I think, while it must be extremely difficult to deal with as a parent, does tend to carry some weight with most MLCers, IMHO. It gives you a reason to have some contact with the WAS/MLCer. Because I don't have that reason, I hear next to nothing. As of today, all I can say is 'Oh well, nothing I can do for him, just work on myself.' And I do think I have finally dropped the rope, however, I say that with caution b/c I've been here before and then whoops! Something pulls the rug right out from under my feet. Part of the rollercoaster ride.

As for the Rebuilding book, yes, TL used it - she recommended it to me. It really is good. I also have been reading The Journey From Abandonment to Healing - even if you don't have other issues with abandonment, this book helps with the type of abandonment we have experienced.

Like you, I have struggled doing the work it takes to get through this, but hang in there my friend. I know it feels some days like you haven't accomplished anything at all, and then all of a sudden one day you just feel different. I feel like I am getting my power back, the power to take my dignity back. Do you see a IC? It is well worth it if you can find someone you are comfortable with.

Well, I just want you to know I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and will check in. Prayers of strength for you tonight. Talk with you tomorrow. ((((( smile )))))


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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Thanks for your thoughts and hugs! I do feel your support.

It is over. I received a text at 9:53am this morning from xh (officially ex now). It read, "Signed divorce papers are in your mailbox. Wishing you all the best."

That's it!
Not even certain if I should text a response. I'll put it out on my other "should I give a good bye card" page.
I'm just a little bit weepy, and had to re-apply mascara, but other than that, feel a bit numb and really know I'll be okay. It's not like I didnt know this was coming.
CC


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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Hey CC -
after today things can only get better right? smile positive mental attitude. This can be a turning point for you, choose to find happiness and inner peace. I'm now thanking my exH for divorcing me because it opened me up to so many new opportunities and possibilities! laugh Thinking of you, I know it is difficult.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Hey CC - a big hug to you (((()))). Well, like TL said, it can only get better from here. Take back your life. Don't let what he's done ruin you. Personally, I don't think I'd honor that greeting card type comment,"Wishing you the best", with a response. Sounds kind of cold and disingenuous (sp?) to me. But that's me.

So you wept a little - - that's good. Maybe a larger cry has already occurred, but it is also really, really good. Feel it all, yell scream, laugh, sob . . .whatever! But don't keep it down. Then think about those things you'd like to accomplish for the day, for the week, month or year! Work on that bucket list. I found that very helpful the last few weeks. Yes, you will be okay. And I truly believe that this is one of the hardest things to go through in life, but if you can get through this you can get through anything!

Sorry I'm a little late getting back to you - had a couple of busy days at work doing field work and the reports that follow. But you have been on my mind and I wish you nothing but peace and joy from this day forward. My mantra for the next few weeks , May CC have all the good things I ever wanted for myself. smile

Take care, my friend. Post often - get it out there. Rest. Check in on you in a couple days.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 263
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Hi cczamo
I am late to your thread.. have been wallowing a lot in my misery... but you seemed to be writing for me..

and I have taken strength today from your dignity.. I think I am still standing.. I think..
I find it really difficult to detach...I sort of blame the boards.. makes me spend too much time thinking about him and us..
it has been 10 months.. I see him distancing and I work hard not to pursue.. I have learned a lot about me too...
I wonder too much
sounds like a good idea to have some one live at your place.. the long lonely nights are horrible.
So I hope this is a happy weekend for you.. running is such a life saver.. well sanity saver anyway.. and I had the same comment.. that I did not go running with him.. except he did not run. Not until he met the OW?.


M 10 T 14

BD 10/13
I really don't get it..
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loualea - that same thought crossed my mind a few months ago, coming to the boards caused me to obsess about mlc and the exh. I would read reconciliation stories and hope, or i'd over analyze every little thing in my own sitch. inside I knew that this takes years and I "stood" for 6 months but now I'm moving on. It's hard to detach but it does help you with personal growth and healing. You can detach and stand at the same time. Yes the time spent wondering is painful, I still wonder at times, but then I catch myself and try to change the thoughts to something else - find distractions. I used to come to the boards looking for answers, support, I still get support and encouragement and it really helps, now I try and share support and encouragement to others going through something similar. I got to where I enjoyed the alone time at home at night, but I have a lot of pets and chores to do around the house, so that kept me busy. Running is a good way to clear your head, and work through grief.
CC - hope you are doing ok - thinking of you


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Thanks for keeping up with me T-boned, TL and welcome, Loualea.
I am off of the initial "high" of first week post D day. I had lots of support, but the way down over weekend hit. I did go early Sat and ran "a loop" as they say here about a path around popular lake in Dallas.
I failed to make other GAL plans for the rest of the day. I did not think ahead. I did dinner/movie with friends Friday and church/dinner w/friend on Sunday, but Sat was lonely. I need to be able to have solitude without panicking, which I have been able to do, but for some reason the first weekend post divorce, I've panicked for not having "plans" on Sat. Wow! I have to work on that! Both on being proactive in plans with friends, AND on being able to be with myself and okay with it. Even enjoying it. I used to enjoy the solitude of the weekends that H would travel. Need to get back to that

yes, I agree with you TL. It is possible to detach yet stand, but coming here to boards for comfort does tend to keep me back in the MLC mindset thinking of "HIM" and I need to NOT think of "HIM" as much as possible. Yet, occasionally I realize that I have not thought of HIM for several hours! Yay for small miracles.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Amazingly enough, on Sunday, ex H texted then called me. I answered his 2nd call attempt.

He merely wanted to know if he could drop his 2 dogs off in afternoon Sunday so he could attend party and leave them overnight through Monday. I immediately thought that he wants to go see OW overnight (she used to live out of town, but I'm not snooping to confirm if still out of town, or if they're even still in R). I said of course, any time, bring them over! I miss my puppies!!! He was upbeat thanking me for being "so accommodating."

He went on to share news regarding some people I'd known in his company that had been laid off recently. I voiced sadness for them, yet kept my end of conversation impersonal, yet as warm as possible.

Occasionally, ex will share things with me, just like in the old days, things that perhaps he thinks only I can relate to... I also have some of those moments, where I really want to share something that I've heard or read that I know he'd appreciate. It just kills me, and I have really, really struggled with each time it's happened, but I have not shared the thought, news or whatever meaningful moment. I held it inside, bit my tongue, distracted myself, did not hit "send" button, and the strong urge eventually dissipates. This has been one very difficult lasting link to let go of, leaving me feeling sadness of our lost connection most acutely.
That, and the sex...I miss that most acutely, too!
smile


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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I'm sorry the weekend was hard, but it sounds like you have a good plan, and a good idea of what needs to be done to help keep you feeling at least relatively comfortable.

I've appreciated this discussion. I've been wondering if coming to the boards has been making it more difficult for me to detach as well. I very much appreciate the amazing advice, but I feel drawn here like a moth to a flame, sometimes to the point where I'm so focused on reading the stories and advice and analysing my situation that it takes me away from some of the things that I should be doing and that might actually help to get some results.


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
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cc I know the feeling. the ex would come over and share what was going on in his life at work etc and never once asked about me or what was going on so I did not offer. I too bit my tongue and missed having someone to share with. even if it was just a new bird at the feeder because we would share things like that up until BD. It svcks. Yes and the sex... that was a hard thing to give up too. we would be intimate every night until the day he moved out. I don't regret that even if he was just using me. good for you on not snooping - I stopped doing that a few months after BD, it only hurt me. It works better for me to just completely wipe it clean from my mind - dive into something else. gardening and sweating my butt off really helped me. In retrospect, I would think of it as a faucet or dimmer switch (my love) for him. it was on full blast and he expected he could turn me off like a light switch, but love doesn't work that way. Now i've slowly been able to turn down the dimmer switch, turn the water flow off. I don't wish him any harm, only good things, but yeah - that love has definitely faded faster than I expected. I think it's survival mechanism kicking in or something. Not going to pine for someone that doesn't want me. I'm too good for that. laugh Anyway - just checking in on you and letting you know you're not alone in those feelings and that it's completely normal. Things will get better. Keep your head high and a positive attitude smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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you guys are doing so well with detaching.. I find it so hard.. I have lots of strategies to not think and obsess but then the thought just jumps back in..

i wake up thinking about the situation:: don#t even get time to get out of bed and control my mind::
i know about accepting it and letting it go:: i just find it so hard:
i am able to do several things at once and one of these things is think about my h and my marriage:: or lack there of::
coupled with abandonment issues and a fear of being alone:: eek I am a mess
and I dont know if the boards help or not::
i read about others and think wow that really sux it is just like me but a i still dont have anything to offer as advice

and DB holds out hope for reconciliation.. and I wonder does that help me..I can work on myself and GAL without thinking we will ever reconcile... might be easier

I dont know

a really rough week coming up so i pretty sad and stressed...


M 10 T 14

BD 10/13
I really don't get it..
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CC my divorce was final on 7/9/14. Hang in there! (Hugs)


Me 34
M 2.5 (Both 2nd M)
My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12
BD 2/14
D final 7/2014
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Just checking in on you to see how you're doing - hope you're well! smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
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Update: Ex H has had to ask favor of me several times over the past few weeks. He's asked for me to watch his dogs overnights on weekends while he commutes down there. His 86 year old mom fell and broke her hip in Austin area, and had surgery.

I've been as upbeat and supportive as I can be with him, as it's a serious situation with her age. He seems mildly appreciative in a brusque sort of way. He will not really look me in the eye when talking to me in person, and is very very brief in answering any of my questions about her. And on weekdays, he is obviously trying to get in and out with the dogs without seeing me at all. I actually had to wait for him outside 2 days ago, just to catch him to ask him about her status since I care about her. I sort of feel that he owes me occasional updates. Maybe I'm wrong.

It must be strange for him to feel so in need of my help, yet so averse to seeing or talking to me.
Not that I care as much: in all my face-to-face interactions with him lately, I look at him and feel zero attraction. Guess I'm healing. Or moving on.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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cczamo Offline OP
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On another note, I'd been friends with a guy from my DivorceCare group who since March, increasingly expressed his interest in dating me. While I was still married he indicated that he wouldnt cross any inappropriate line, but once divorced, he named all the places he wanted to take me out.
Well D day came July 8th,and he was waiting. I pushed back a bit indicating that I still wasnt ready to officially date yet, but that I enjoyed his company and could be friends. We met often for coffee, Starbucks type "dates" and lots of phone calls and drinks occasionally. Hand holding and a little kissing occurred, which I had mixed emotions about. He was so nice and encouraging. Seemed to be very thoughtful. He's a bit older than I am, and that was an issue for me. I never had him come to my house. I had a feeling that things with him were "off."

Then I caught him in two lies.

He'd been telling me all along over several months that he went to West Point and afterwards Vietnam. I would ask him questions about his experiences and he'd be vague. I asked him if he graduated from West Point, to which he said yes, and I asked him where he'd been in Vietnam. He asked me not to discuss VN, as it was too painful and that he didnt even discuss with other VN vets, which sort of seemed plausible.

Last week, I finally asked him directly why he wasn't listed on a West Point website of graduates. He was obviously unaware that I could look this info up online. He'd been caught red-handed. He admitted to me that not only had he only gone to West Point for 3 months before being kicked out (weak ankle issues, supposedly he was recruited for their basketball team) and didnt graduate, but that he was discharged from military and had not gone to Vietnam at all.
I ended our relationship that night. Scarry stuff. Perhaps pathological liar. He'd woven such detailed stories about those "facts."
I'm obviously going to have to be more careful and less naive! He has been texting and calling and emailing that I'm the best thing since his divorce, he wants me to contact his family and former co-workers to know who he really is, and I'm not responding.

So that's my update.

I've at least over the hurdle of kissing someone else besides my ex H, now.
smile


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Posts: 110
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one last thing...July 28th would have been 14th anniversary. On wedding day, we married at 10am, had wedding luncheon, then went to anniversary barbeque for Curtis and Janna, some friends of mine.

This week, i texted an answer to one of his questions on the 28th, adding, "oh and happy anniversary! To Curtis and Janna, of course, lol!"

totally inappropriate of me, and he did not respond, but I don't really care what he thought. I was playing, and having some fun with him (or at him?), laughing at the situation. Maybe that was mean of me.
smile

But really, it was just another day. No real sadness or haunting memories like I'd feared would be the case, months ago.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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hey cc! glad to see you still have your sense of humor!
hey on the dude that lied to you, think of it as a learning experience!! I went through a couple bad dates myself and one guy was doing that - texing, emailing so much. When I followed my gut and told him I didn't want to lead him on, he did contact me again so I blocked him and haven't heard from him since then. It's weird to date after being married so long but at least you did get that first one out of the way and now you will feel more confident. good for you on checking him out etc, I don't think you were too naive, we all want to trust before assuming the worst. At least you found out early on before you were emotionally invested laugh. Yeah my ex couldn't look me in the eye either - that's the whole guilt thing. When I started dating someone and saw the ex, I found I had a hard time looking HIM in the eye, I still felt a little guilty about it even though we were divorced! sort of effed up what your mind does to you - after being with one person for so long it still feels weird that you're not with them anymore. You sound like you're doing well cc, so glad to hear it!!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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TL,I was a little sad about that dude. I'd been conflicted about age difference (18 years), but we had easy time conversing, and he was easy on the eye (esp for his age).
Unlike you, i did not feel guilty in the least about looking exH in the eye. In fact, I had an extra "lilt in my step" for a few weeks during this dating, and I just wanted exH to ask me what it was. He was too busy thinking about his own issues, and probably never noticed the "lilt."

So howz it going with the dating? is it still that same special guy who appreciates you? If it is, you've been with him awhile, now.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Posts: 110
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ExH texted today asking if okay to leave his 2 dogs with me overnight this coming Friday and Sat while he goes out of town.

Responded "yes" but wanted to say something like "tell your mother I'll praying for her" (which I am anyway), but decided that in case he was not going to see his mom in hospital in Austin, that I did not want to know.

I think going forward that I'll not hint at trying to determine where he's going when he leaves town. It might be on a weekend date trip, or a honeymoon with someone else, and I definitely DONT want to know that!


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Well the same evening that exH asked me a favor of keeping his 2 dogs overnight this weekend, he did a WHAM, knock me back two steps punch.

He had set up a new sound system with my television in May the morning of the day he moved out. The system's base sound is out of balance (i.e, the speech is too quiet, but then scene changes and BOOM! the sub-woofer is so loud it scoots across my hardwood floor). I've messed with the settings as I recall him showing me, and I cannot get sound to be where it's livable. I've had to watch every show with the remote in my hand to constantly adjust and it's frustrating!

So when he called about coming over later that day to drop off my COBRA health insurance paperwork and his check to Aetna, I asked him over phone if he could quickly adjust the sound while he was going to be at house.
He replied "No, you fix it. You figure it out. Look in the manual. I am never coming into that house again." I said, "What? Why? Could you please repeat?" Floored that he felt that way. He repeated my name, and in a calm voice, "I am never coming inside the house, ever again."
Wow!
So I then after that phone discussion, knowing I had 15 min before he'd arrive at house. I found pdf file of the stereo receiver manual, and emailed it to him asking him to let me know which pages of the 220 page manual the pertinent instructions could be found. I am NOT a techie in the least, and for the last 15+years HE handled all my computer, cell phone,stereo settings.

15 min later, when he arrived at the front door to hand deliver the check and papers, I asked him if he could at some point,in no rush, look on his email at the pdf manual. Once again he said "you'll figure it out." He turns and walks away. I never once said a cross word. I was actually too stunned, since this kind of technical challenge made him happy and he loved to solve.
So I had the WHAM knocked breath out experience. I must admit I was down for a few hours.
I'd thought about telling him to get someone else to watch his dogs overnights this weekend, but I know that he'd just say something like," then, you'll never see them again. I'll find someone else to watch them from now on." He would do that. He would say that.

That was 8/5, and today, 8/7 I'm okay again. I'm wondering why he never wants to come in house again. He goes into back yard to pickup and deliver his two dogs all the time. Coming inside is evidently never happening.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."

C.S. Lewis


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Holy cats on the never setting foot in the house again story.

That would knock the wind out of one's sails.

I love the C.S. Lewis quote.

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Thanks for reading, MLP. I appreciate your input.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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cc i'm sorry that he's being such a d*ck.
Were they your dogs too by the way? I'm assuming they were. Well think of that as a benefit for you to see them, so better to just let him drop them off in the back and leave. He isn't mature enough to just have civil conversation with you - but yet wants you to do him a favor. I guess that is typical MLC behavior.
Going forward never ask anything of him, you can figure it out, but I get that - he set it up, you were helping him out so he should have just made the fix, would have taken him less than a minute. yeah I know those stereos are difficult- my ex set one up too and I would not know how to change it either but i'll be damned if i'll ever ask him anything again. (oh my that bitterness just pops out once in awhile!) It's just reliving the rejection and we have the option of not allowing them to control our mood or feelings. When you do get it fixed you will feel so good that you took care of it and you don't need him. He was a d*ck though, try and let it slide off your back, like water on a ducks back smile thinking of you!!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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True about when I do get it set up, eventually, TL. The problem is I'll need someone else to fix it, unfortunately. I have to accept my limitations!
But the more I learn to ask others to help me do what HE used to do, the better I will feel knowing my other resources are out there.
For example, I'm an Android person, but that was because HE was Android. Now, all my family and everyone around me is I-phone, I'll be needing a new cell soon, and I'll obviously go Iphone since that's who I have to help me with it.

I'm inspired by you, TL. Keep up that positive thang you do!

smile


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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that's a good call - the ex is no longer dependable and no longer a resource - at least not at this point. I had hoped that mine would remain friendly but that appears out of the question now. Oh well, it becomes easier to get over these little things since we've learned to get over the big thing smile I do feel pretty good when I accomplish something that perhaps before was something he did, gives you that boost of self esteem or something. HOpe you're doing well - we inspire each other cc, smile it's good to have support like this for sure laugh


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Well my x paid the cobra coverage payment for the balance of the year, and he paid 1/2 the required remodel cost for a utility room bath that has had water damage for 3 years (and he never wanted to have repaired). So his financial obligations are all complete. Hopefully this weekend I'll finish our extended joint tax return so all will be done with us financially.

I did successfully have UVerse telephone installed without any problems and Xh even gave me a brief email tech advice before UVerse came out to house this week.

I still feel sad moments and an occasional tear or two when something unexpected tugs at my heart. Not dating and probably not healed enought to be ready to.

I havent seen his two dogs, Pixie and Google for over a week and miss them. I've no idea why, or what theyr're doing. I miss them alot but sort of getting used to not having them around.

I start up two different weekly Bible studies next week I'm looking forward to. I have a huge corporate IRS audit that will take over a month. My time is limited, but am going to check in here with you all and see what you're up to.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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hey CC,
sorry about the dogs - I'm sure that is pretty hard, we get so attached to the pets. I'm glad he made his financial obligations a priority, that's always a concern and one less worry for you now. It is a relief when all those things are taken care of for sure. Good for you on getting the uverse installed. I thought it felt pretty good when I handled something on my own - sense of accomplishment. There will always be sad moments, but trust me they do get better as time goes by and you work through the grieving and healing process. I still have them too, I haven't cried about it in what feels like a long time but in reality it's been months I guess, lol. Certain things will always remind you of him, just have to distract yourself with other thoughts. That's great you're going to Bible study, what a great thing to do for GAL. Just keep yourself busy and don't worry about dating, that will happen when the time is right and you're more whole and healed. It's kinda nice to know that you don't "need" a man in your life to complete you, enjoy that alone time and pamper yourself. Hope you had a nice holiday weekend!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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journal update: 2 weeks ago my exH told me that he felt uncomfortable bringing his two dogs over to my back yard on a daily basis for day care, so he had made "other arrangements" for his dogs (formerly MY dogs).

Fast forward to last week, I asked exH on Thursday if we could arrange once a month visitation. He said one word, and loudly, "NO!" So Friday, i stayed home from work, and savored every moment with them, and took videos and lots of pictures. When exH showed up after only 2 hours to pick them up, I went out to give each dog one last hug, and I broke down into an unexpected "ugly cry." I then said that I hoped he might find it in his heart to someday change his mind, since permanently losing them was killing me. He turned without saying anything, and walked off.

The next day, which was last Saturday, he emailed me that he'd disconnected his cell phone number (that he'd had since 1989) and he could only be reached at a new gmail email address. I thought that was weird.

Then this evening, i got a call from an out of town area code number. It was a woman who'd found a small brown and white dog, BY THE INTERSTATE FREEWAY, with my phone number on his tag. And she is in small town 80 miles away from Dallas, and coincidentally where the married OW lives!

Since I no longer have a cell phone # for him, I decided to call his office phone. Well it was his voice on a v.m. saying he was no longer employed there. OMG!!!

I called the woman back who'd found dog, and mentioned that I had NO telephone # to reach exH, but sent her # to his new email address. I did mention to the woman that exH had a friend in her town, and proceeded to tell her the OW name. This lady said she slightly knew the OW, and mentioned that she just saw OW last weekend WITH OW's HUSBAND at some store.

Now, I cant help but wonder if he's moved out to her town to stalk the OW, or if OW is seeing ExH while staying married. I know I should not think about this, but today has been bizarre!

So, my exH has finally knocked over that last of the 4 pillars of MLC I've read about (body-he's lost 40 lbs, home-he moved out of, relationship-he divorced me, job-either quit or fired).

Amazingly, I felt nothing! NO sadness or hurt about discovering he's left his job and followed OW to her town. I am only really concerned about my (his) dogs safety and welfare. If someone would have told me 9 months ago that I would NOT feel ANYTHING in this situation, I would NEVER have believed it!
Praise the Lord!
btw, exH tonight emailed 2 words- "all okay", which I interpret that Google is safe as is Pixie.




Last edited by cczamo; 09/25/14 03:56 AM.

M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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cczamo, what can I say? WOW? He is just a bundle of crazy, and I hope it gives you some peace of mind to not be legally bound to that hot mess right now. I'm sorry for your loss of the dogs. That is concerning that one was found loose, but you were smart not to offer to be the one to email him, as it probably would have sparked his ire (to be called out by you on being irresponsible).

As for the change in phone number -- maybe it's good that you have that distance, so you're not tempted to call him for any reason. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Cc, does he care about the dogs? If he does, take solace in the fact that they are being cared for, and that they are hardy little guys. I love dogs, too. They are so resilient. And I agree with ahoy...sounds like a great thing for you that he is almost forcing you to detach. Take care of yourself and YOU will be happy smile He has much tougher bridges to cross to get to happiness, it appears


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Quote:
Then this evening, i got a call from an out of town area code number. It was a woman who'd found a small brown and white dog, BY THE INTERSTATE FREEWAY, with my phone number on his tag. And she is in small town 80 miles away from Dallas, and coincidentally where the married OW lives!


UGH! This makes me so mad!

What would prevent you from picking up your dog in such a situation and taking her home? I mean, the dog was loose, near a freeway, life in danger... he's obviously not taking care of the dogs.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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I was told by the woman who found Google that my exH told her that he was unpacking his car two blocks away from where Google was found, and he was unaware the dog got out. I KNOW that exH used to absolutely love those dogs and was very responsible for them, and I presume that he still does/is now.
However he is also acting like an adolescent male right now (at 52 years old), letting his crazy think for him, so I have a bit of doubt.
IF I were to pick up the dog I would most likely get into major trouble with exH, as he would be able to drive by my house, and see into my backyard and know I had "his" dog.
I thought about it though, Nitty. I'm still a little concerned about them. They are Jack Russell Terriers, and Google looks exactly like a younger Uggy, if you know who Uggy is.
smile


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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Card29, yes, I do take solace believing that exH does love and care for the dogs. He's just being very irrational now, moving into a new apartment after just signing a 1 year lease in May!
Quitting his high paying directorship is crazy! He's just a hot mess as Ahoy has written.
Yes, he HAS indeed forced me to totally detach, so I've officially "Dropped the rope" as of yesterday.
I guess I needed a sign, and that was it, him moving to follow the OW.
Bless her heart if he's stalking her.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Journal update: (I'm sorry it is so very lengthy!)

Over 1 year passed since ExH dropped bomb ILYBNILWY and much craziness, heart ache and tears followed. I look back on the past 13+ months and can see my growth and healing. I chose to have faith that God is in charge rather than to get bitter and question why. I believe He IS using my experience for good.

Since my last post in September 2014, I've communicated with exH only once or twice, and very briefly with regards to our income tax and getting his tax refund monies to him. He was very guarded and all was business only, with one brief exception: in our last communication, he volunteered that he thought of my grown son often (his stepson who throughout the years, he said he loved very much), and told me to please pass on to my son that he wished him well in his future in his new house. An aside, my exH often struggled with problems with his twin daughters, and would remark frequently as to how lucky I was to have a wonderful problem free son. ExH loved my son's friends and enjoyed watching them grow up, graduate hs and college, and get married. ExH would often go to Las Vegas if he knew my son and friends would be out there. ExH would get their lavish meals and hotel rooms comped most of the time. ExH would invite son and his friends to bbq here at our home for sports watching events, even up to months within bomb drop.

Looking back, I think that exH wanted to be young again, like my son and his friends who are a great close-knit group of young men closing in on 30 years old now. Its entirely possible, that my exH, being only 20 years older, may have become responsible too soon in college, working in IT, moving up in position, successful even before graduating from college. So perhaps he missed the experiences and bonding “bromances” he saw my son and his friends have in their 20s.

Since late September of 2014, I've been dating a wonderful man, 18 years my senior (who can run circles around me—seriously, he gets 10,000 more fitbit steps than i do each day!) who is eager to marry me. He has said he'll be patient and wait for me, though. Other than our age difference, I have so much in common with him. We're keeping it "out of the bedroom," to allow me to continue my healing within the boundaries of our shared faith. I am healing, but occasionally, I still get unexpected pangs of sadness and momentarily teary-eyed, but these moments happen less and less frequently. I am now to the point where I sometimes don’t think about my ex on a daily basis. This time last year, I doubted that would ever happen.

Very long update but all to say, time (and God) heals. I’m thankful for the path God has placed me on and the new and old friends He has placed on my journey to walk along side me for a time. I’m thankful that I have a daily choice to walk the hopeful high road, even though at times I still miss my exH very much.

Im repeating a C.S. Lewis quote I'd posted months ago, but believe it still applies to my life today:

"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."

C.S. Lewis

I’ll come back at some point in the future and update. God Bless you each in your own journey!


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Update: one year anniversary of divorce passed earlier this month. Tomorrow would have been my 15th wedding anniversary, and I plan to look through a pile of photos that exH left on my garage steps over a year ago. It hurt too much to look through them this past year, but I think my would-be 15th wedding anniversary is a good time to let myself peek back in time.

No communications at all with exH since Sept 2014, but I have heard from the exH of the other woman. He wanted to know my side of the situation, so he googled me and contacted me earlier this month to let me know that he and his wife (the OW) divorced in Nov 2014, one month after her father died and her mother went into hospital. She married my exH in April 2015, 5 months after her divorce. OW and exH moved to yet another nearby small town and bought a very nice house. OW has a 12 year old that lives with OW/exH. I was told that OW cries during the day when exH is at work. Evidently her daughter overhears her cry and explains to her father on weekend visits that she thinks it is because OW is now estranged from her own mother and her own grown pregnant daughter, both who do not approve of OW's marriage to my exH. OW's family evidently still have good relationship with OW's exH and are communicating with him.

OW's exH also mentioned that he has tried for several months to talk with my exH calling him repeatedly at exH work and cell to discuss the situation with his D, who is now mostly living with my exH/OW. I was told that my exH has not returned any of the calls. Obviously exH senses guilt, or fear of OW's exH. (it's so complicated to write all this!)

I suspect that this exH/OW marriage may not last but what do i know? OW and exH were 8th grade sweethearts, so maybe it will stick.

I'm trying to get past my unhealthy curiosity of their situation and not peek on FB. I'm in a serious dating relationship with an older man who treats me wonderfully, and for whom I care deeply. While I'm not "in love", I do love him. He knows that I'm still healing from my divorce, and has made it clear that he will wait for me to heal. He has said he wants to marry. I'm still confused just enough to not trust myself to make a decision of this magnitude just yet.

as crazy as it seems, i do still miss my exH very much, even though he's remarried, and despite all the hell that he's put me through, i still love him.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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cczamo Offline OP
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update: not much new-- bomb drop was over 2 years ago, divorce over 1&1/2 years ago and last contact about 1 1/2 years ago. I still think of exH every day. I have gone through forgiving him (and her) in my heart, and feel sad on occasion, but have become mostly like my old self. I'm still in a special relationship with an elderly man who wants to marry, and took me ring shopping in November, and sitting in private room with sales rep, showed me a beautifully designed, huge rock of a ring. I loved the ring, but told him (and jeweler) that we'd need to shop around more, that I dont know what style of ring I preferred. Actually i still feel conflicted about marrying so soon, and still miss my exH, hoping against hope that he'll want restoration. Isnt that crazy? It doesnt seem right that I'd marry another man, but still long for my exH.

New man and I do have fun together, and I love him, but not IN love with him. The "in love" feeling is secretly still for my exH, unfortunately.

Anyway, just a bit melancholy today.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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