She's returning home for in house separation!

[Oxford1]

Ok I have committed to not talk about relationship, OM etc.

I guess what I am asking is how do I live with her, in separate bedrooms.

I know everyone says 180 her, but what so I not go for a walk, do I not do things with her.

I looked at some of the posts on Friendly Neighbors, but it's not that much info.

I am going to reread my thread.

I also think I have to stay off of the other more anti marriage sites like AA and TAM.

[Upwards]

I guess what I am asking is how do I live with her, in separate bedrooms.

I think the most important thing here is to realise that right now she isnt filling the role of "your wife" as she's chosen to check out of this role, therefore DONT treat her like your wife. Treat her like an aquaintance, be polite but that's as far as it goes.

I know everyone says 180 her, but what so I not go for a walk, do I not do things with her.

You shouldnt be 180 her, DB is for YOU first and foremost to get you into a place where regardless what happens in your marriage you will be happy.

Right now your her fall back guy - Personally I wouldn't be going for walks or to the gym with her, not at this stage. You should be living YOUR life, going out doing YOUR things & working on YOU instead of doing things that your wife asks and spending all of your time worrying about how to act around your wife.

There is a reason they say to "act as if" because at first your acting but quicker than you realise those actions become natural and you'll begin to find yourself moving forwards.

[Oxford1]

I guess what I am asking is how do I live with her, in separate bedrooms.

I think the most important thing here is to realise that right now she isnt filling the role of "your wife" as she's chosen to check out of this role, therefore DONT treat her like your wife. Treat her like an aquaintance, be polite but that's as far as it goes.

I know everyone says 180 her, but what so I not go for a walk, do I not do things with her.

You shouldnt be 180 her, DB is for YOU first and foremost to get you into a place where regardless what happens in your marriage you will be happy.

Right now your her fall back guy - Personally I wouldn't be going for walks or to the gym with her, not at this stage. You should be living YOUR life, going out doing YOUR things & working on YOU instead of doing things that your wife asks and spending all of your time worrying about how to act around your wife.

There is a reason they say to "act as if" because at first your acting but quicker than you realise those actions become natural and you'll begin to find yourself moving forwards.

Ok I have been reading DR. It's been helping somewhat.
We did go to the gym today and go for a walk because the walk was a catharsis.

I did notice that her texts to OM were not all lovey dovy after our walk.

Thing is I am trying to work on me. I am trying to detach. We only used to go to the gym together on Sat and Sunday.
The rest of the week we pretty much do live seperate lives.

I don't know what she tells OM on the phone but on her texts she does not tell him we are together.
She admitted that he is so freaked out...I did see how he texted her fifteen times today between 10 Am and 11. He is saying I am worried are you ok, what does he think I am going to kill her,? I am madly in love with her.

I just want her to see me for tHe best husband AND the changes I have gone through.

I mean we have. 32 year history not 2 years as friends and eight months.as an EA THEN Pa.
The only reason I went to the gym is because her shoulder is injured..I swear I think the OM did something.

So since I went and did things today isn't it going to be obvious if I just stop??

I know Michele says a lot of affairs burn out on there own.

Her video seemed to tell one to have business as normal and ignore the affair.

[Oxford1]

From what I can gather you don't want a divorce, the advice on this board will be VERY different to what other boards advise and I would strongly suggest you stick with one approach as much as possible otherwise your going to be all over the place.

I agree with this. You need to choose an approach. Part of the DR book tells you to experiment and monitor the results. How do you know what is working if you are combining approaches?

I don't think you should completely ignore your W while you are both in the same house. You should GAL and do your own thing, but you should also be civil. Have you read about the friendly neighbor-type approach described in some of the other threads here?

That's why I am still doing things. We took a nice walk today the only issue is it ended up,relationship talk. I want that to be the last time that topic comes up.

[Oxford1]

Take a breath. Stop wondering and worrying about her--what she is doing or thinking or feeling. And worry about yourself. Detach and GAL. Don't strategize so much. Just try to become the man that only a fool would walk away from.

this is why I thought doing things with her but avoiding the topics of relationships, sex, marriage would be a way to show her who I really am them a that she's going to loose...

[Oxford1]

You spent way too much time focusing on the pain your wife is experiencing because of OM going away - I know you use this place to vent as we all do at times however the amount of focus on your W & OM is so unhealthy for you, your going to drive yourself crazy! You seriously need to work on detaching & not giving the thoughts your having too much room in your head as it's not going to help your situation.

You want to be attractive, calm, happy, confident, strong... Are you giving that impression? You NEED to let go of your marriage, I know it sounds counterproductive as your here to save it but the only way to have any chance of saving it is by letting it go and bringing the focus back round to you.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from, I mean no disrespect, it's so clear from the outside. Focus on YOU!!!

Upwards this where I failed a little today, by getting into relationship,talk, the OM s issues and later sex it's not what she wants I can see the sex thing annoyed her. Our MC said that that's because she can not in her mind believe that she was with another man while married, especially one who is warning her against having sex with her own husband...he is such a deek.

[Oxford1]

Hi Mr. Bond

You wrote on my original,thread in response to one of my posts:
""I have repented over and over about my ills."

That repentance is how you feel that you've forgiven yourself. But evidently your W didn't.

"I know she did not have to go to him, but he is such a Casanova."

But to be honest, if she wanted to be with you she wouldn't have even entertained the thought of going with him.

"I do know she plans on moving home after Aprul 15. So if I am so evil why would she move back home?"

That's what you don't understand. You're not "evil". She just chooses not to be with you right now. Because you share kids together and are married, right now she sees it as a shackle. And again, that's just the way she feels right now.

What you can do right now is to write down the things that used to make her family both things that you did alone and things you did as a family. Slowly work those things in. Continue to go and have fun with you son and do things that she never would have wanted to do.

So my question is do you mean slowly add back,things we did as a Family. Like today going to the gym, going for a walk. But as you may be aware she's still treating me like her friend and still has her OM, even though he is 6,000 Miles away.. Do I continue to add back In more things do I detach. I have come to the point if our marriage ends I will survive I can move on. I have done all my hurting. But now that she's back in my life I feel it will be easier if it ends then what happened. Where she ran away told me to never speak to her again and boom we were,getting divorced. MF'er me having her back being friendly will actually soften the blow she and if it happens.

"How am I supposed to handle her? I keep hearing to do the 180 but it is hard when there is a kid involved and even harder that I am so addicted to her."

It's not hard with a kid at all. I mean I have two kids and was able to detach. You can do it. Just lose the ego and read up on how couples communicate. Use this time to become a student of your W. See what patterns you may be missing.

[Oxford1]

Not MFer I meant for me having her back...

[gogofo]

Are you reading her text messages? You need to stop snooping. Would your W want to be with someone who is snooping and reading her private messages?

You need to focus on Sandi's rules and DBing techniques. You change up so many methods in the course of a day, how do you know what works? You need to commit to something for more than an hour or two.

You need to show your W changes through actions, not words. You have received the same advice from multiple posters and all you are giving us is lip service. If we can see you haven't changed, so can your wife.

Its the actions not the words that will make the difference.

[melissag]

I am not entirely up to date on your sitch, but just from reading a few pages, I can see you are stuck in that place where you are trying to find the magic bullet.

We have all been there. We all think, in the beginning, that our sitch is different. That all these people giving us advice don't know what they are talking about. We think there must be some way that WE can make our WASs come back. There isn't.

That's why people will tell you over and over - you need to focus on YOU. You cannot control what your W does or what the OM does. (And I agree with gogofo, why are you looking at your W's texts? That is not helping anything.)

Your need to give your W her space. Stop talking about the R. Stop talking about the OM. Stop trying to show her this or that, or make her want to be with you.

Think about her complaints. And then think about if there is anything else about yourself, that you might want/need to change. Are you happy with who you are? Work on being the person you want to be, NOT the person your W wants you to be.

Don't read into every little thing your W does and says to you or the OM. That's just stepping right onto the roller coaster and asking to have a volatile ride. Stop strategizing, and start living.

You have to believe everyone here who tells you this is a LONG ride. If you keep going the way you are, you are going to go insane.

Have you finished reading DB? Do you see what you need to do and why?