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Originally Posted By: claire7
"I just want to show her how much I love her!"
"I just want my wife back that's all I know!"

I just reread through this thread, and I haven't seen that you are on a path to this. The divorce coach may have just been asking YOU whether (and why) YOU still want her as your wife (without putting his/her own judgment on it. It doesn't matter what the coach thinks of her--it matters what YOU think of her). If you love her and want her back, then you have to take ownership for your part in the failure of the marriage and make changes in YOURSELF that will show her the future with you would be different. (Or, at the very least, make changes in yourself that would ensure that your next relationship will be different.

"I also started to remember all the Cr@p I used to have to put up with."
"I am just to good a person to deal with all this crap."
Hmmm... What was YOUR part in it, and what can YOU change about yourself?
Focus on YOU.


Thanks...I know my part boy do I...
I am starting to understand.. Forget her and her part just worry about fixing and changing me!

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The quote on labug's signature from Ghandi is in my brain over and over today.


Anyway, I have a really really full day today.

Lots of driving and client visits. A little down caused I missed the gym. Took yesterday off because my knees were aching from the heavy leg days I have been doing...I am not getting any younger ya know!

So I figure I will be rolling in around 8 Am debated staying over, but my appointments tomorrow are fairly close to home.

So do I get home after my WAW returns from drooping her AP at the airport or Before? That is my internal debate...

Issue is I don't know what time to expect her.

See I figure I am going to have a good day for me...

I even scheduled some quiet time will I am up near the Adirondacks to just enjoy some fresh air and cleanse my soul.

I just don't want to seem like I am anticipating the return like Queen Elizabeth is coming for a visit, let's also not forget she is not returning for Reconciliation she's returning as if she's temporarily living at her brothers house.....


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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If you don't know what time to expect her, don't worry about it. Do your thing. Do something you'll enjoy. Personally I would stay out-- meet a friend for dinner or go see a movie. GAL. Perhaps she is anxious about coming back to the house, too. Would it be easier or harder for her if you were there.

What would put you in a better light? Her finding you sitting on the couch as if you had nothing better than to sit and judge her? Or going out, doing something positive for you, coming back in a good mood, greeting her cordially if she is still awake without anger or judgment?


Me 38 H 40
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T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Originally Posted By: claire7
If you don't know what time to expect her, don't worry about it. Do your thing. Do something you'll enjoy. Personally I would stay out-- meet a friend for dinner or go see a movie. GAL. Perhaps she is anxious about coming back to the house, too. Would it be easier or harder for her if you were there.

What would put you in a better light? Her finding you sitting on the couch as if you had nothing better than to sit and judge her? Or going out, doing something positive for you, coming back in a good mood, greeting her cordially if she is still awake without anger or judgment?



hi Claire7 you seem to be more forgiving and understanding on your advice then that which I was getting on other boards. So I want to run this by you.

My WAW wants us to do things together like go to the gym, eat dinner out etc. Our Collaborative divorce coach says he's confused, she seems to like me or love me in every way, want to do things with me, but hen at the same time says she is not in love with me the way she is the OM.

Anyhow others have given me the below advice, what can you suggest or do you suggest is the best way to handle her being in the home with me while still having a new relationship ?

Here is the other advice:
Is your Man Cave ready? Did you follow our advice to build yourself a refuge to get away from her?

Go in your Cave and stay there as much as you can when she's milling about the house. When you are ready to leave, have your keys in hand so all you have to do is waltz out the door. By all means, don't be a prisoner in your own home, but don't find excuses to be around her either.

No engaging with her in the common areas...


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Anybody have any advice or thoughts on above...I will be returning home this evening and my WAW will be back....

Thanks


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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The problem is that the other board has a very cut & dry approach... divorce her & throw her under the bus. Is that what you want?! From what I can gather you don't want a divorce, the advice on this board will be VERY different to what other boards advise and I would strongly suggest you stick with one approach as much as possible otherwise your going to be all over the place.

Man cave sounds like a great idea for somewhere to escape to and get away to if/when you want your own space, but to totally ignore her whilst living under the same roof, well I don't see how that would solve anything personally.


Divorce Final: Oct 2014

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Originally Posted By: Upwards
From what I can gather you don't want a divorce, the advice on this board will be VERY different to what other boards advise and I would strongly suggest you stick with one approach as much as possible otherwise your going to be all over the place.


I agree with this. You need to choose an approach. Part of the DR book tells you to experiment and monitor the results. How do you know what is working if you are combining approaches? confused

I don't think you should completely ignore your W while you are both in the same house. You should GAL and do your own thing, but you should also be civil. Have you read about the friendly neighbor-type approach described in some of the other threads here?

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Thank you both. That's what I figured, she told the collaborative divorce coach that she enjoys my company, going to the gym. The only thing I don't get is where she wants to take me to the restaurants that she and the AP have gone to!

He even said that it's like she is suppressing her love for me.

I NEED TO READ MORE ABOUT THE NEIGHBOR-type approach.

The only concern I have is the monkey on the branch. She held onto me until she found another branch, she's still slightly unstable on the new branch so she's still connected to me a little, then she decides that I am the better branch, but as soon as she finds another new branch , the nightmare stArts all over.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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Well I am certainly no expert-- still figuring this out myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But from what you have described about your situation, and the way you have written about your wife, to me it seems like you need to just focus on yourself and show her (and yourself) that you can have a more positive, even-tempered side. Holing yourself up in a "man cave" seems kind of passive aggressive to me. The advice I've been following is to ask myself, "is this likely to draw him closer or push him away?" What if you just acted like a friendly neighbor or roommate? Polite, cordial, but at a slight distance?


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Originally Posted By: claire7
Well I am certainly no expert-- still figuring this out myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But from what you have described about your situation, and the way you have written about your wife, to me it seems like you need to just focus on yourself and show her (and yourself) that you can have a more positive, even-tempered side. Holing yourself up in a "man cave" seems kind of passive aggressive to me. The advice I've been following is to ask myself, "is this likely to draw him closer or push him away?" What if you just acted like a friendly neighbor or roommate? Polite, cordial, but at a slight distance?


That's what I have been thinking. If I completely withdraw i may loose connection to her.

I just wonder if I stay away if she will miss me ?


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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