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Here's something I like to call RANDOM THOUGHTS.

How do you control these RT?

For example while making breakfast this morning:

Wow for all these years I have asked her to leave work on time on Fridays so we can start our weekend, or occasionally when I came back from being away and it was the middle of the week, NEVER HAPPENED , GOT ME TOLD " your not the boss of me I'll get home when I can"

But the last conversation we had about two weeks ago, I get oh it's Friday "he" likes me to leave before Shabbos starts( the Jewish sabbath, oh and he's not one iota religious), I need to get out of work by 5, or oh we have dinner plans HE hates when I leave late remember he sits around waiting for me all day..

These thoughts drive me crazy absolutely out of my mind.

Now I know you will say STOP TALKING TO HER...I HAVE, but she's coming back for this in-house separation, at least for a fee weeks..


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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I KNOW YOUR ALL GOING TO GET UPSET WITH ME, BUT TONIGHT IS GOING TO COMPLETELY SUCK FOR ME..

ITS NOT BECAUSE SHE IS COMING HOME, ITS BECAUSE TOMORROW HES LEAVING...I KNOW MY WIFE TO KNOW FOR A FACT THAT WHEN SHES DONE WITH HIM TONIGHT HE WILL NEED CRUTCHES TO WALK.
THIS MIND MOVIE IS KILLING ME, IT STARTED ABOUT TWO MINUTES AGO AND ITS CAUSING ME INCREDIBLE PAIN AND PANIC


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Stay focused in the present, do not think about the future or the past. Keep bringing your mind back to now and nothing else. That can help. Hang in there.

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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: unbidden
Stay focused in the present, do not think about the future or the past. Keep bringing your mind back to now and nothing else. That can help. Hang in there.


I am trying god knows I am trying. I just want my wife back that's all I know!


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Ok, so 24 hours until Return Day.

I have been given advice to not be home when she returns. To be out and come back after her so that I dont look like I am waiting around like a puppy also so my son does not pick up on my Anxiety.


Its just that I am just a little curious to see how upset she is that Loverboy has left after spending almost 70 days with him..


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Wouldn't it be better to go out and GAL and do something you enjoy, and come back home feeling happy and relaxed, knowing that you are working on becoming a better person for YOU--rather than finding some brief joy in her misery? Do you really think you'll feel satisfied with whatever attitude she has when she comes in the house? But how would you rather her see YOU?

Stop being so focused on her. Focus on you!


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: claire7
Wouldn't it be better to go out and GAL and do something you enjoy, and come back home feeling happy and relaxed, knowing that you are working on becoming a better person for YOU--rather than finding some brief joy in her misery? Do you really think you'll feel satisfied with whatever attitude she has when she comes in the house? But how would you rather her see YOU?

Stop being so focused on her. Focus on you!
o

Thanks Claire Here is what happened this afternoon.

I went for a quick 30 minute run on the Rail Trail by my house.
While on the trail I had a flood of emotions, we used to run it together. I also started to remember all the Cr@p I used to have to put up with.

Then when I was walking back home for my cool down looking at the houses by me the Kids riding their bikes on the main road (and almost getting plowed by passing cars I might ad) it hit me.

I am just to good a person to deal with all this crap.
I have a great Job, I earn in the top 5% of all earners, I am in great shape, people like me. Everyone I meet I strike up a friendship with.

Its just not worth reliving the past anymore. I have two great Sons, one who is graduating college with honors, he is going to start his life and I have to be there for him..He needs at least one stable parent that he can lean on.

My S15 is applying to the IVYs, what good is a basket case father when the kids that you room with are going to be the children of business executives and leaders...I cant be weak anymore.

Plus I need to be strong and resilient when The Creature from the Jew Lagoon returns to my house. I need to be the one in control, I need to be comfortable in my Castle. I am not the one who ran away, I am not the one who embarrassed themselves in front of his sons and was written disparaging emails.

I am not the one that even the divorce team is looking at in wonderment, I'm the one even the opposing lawyer pulled aside grasped my hand, smiled at me and said its for the best..you don't need her
Why should I bury my head in the sand?

This was what hit me like an exhilarating rush..

then I started laughing thinking now that I figured it out a rutting deer was going to come flying down my driveway and impale me on a tree now that would have been a story!!


Then I said to myself:

Instead of WAW calling it her rebirth I have decided to call it [color:#3333FF]MY rebirth..Death to the old Steve, Long Live the New Steve![/color]


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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There's a difference between reaching understanding of yourself and resentment/loathing to your W. Sounds like you are going back to the old way of thinking about her that turned her off. If your ultimate goal is to not get a D, then you need to keep your ego in check. It happens all the time.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
There's a difference between reaching understanding of yourself and resentment/loathing to your W. Sounds like you are going back to the old way of thinking about her that turned her off. If your ultimate goal is to not get a D, then you need to keep your ego in check. It happens all the time.


Thanks Mr.Bond..I am trying so hard to distance my self and lovingly detach without resenting her. But how do I do this without bringing my horrendous guilt back into it.

For some reason all,the therapists involved seem to attack her and tell me to run away.

Even the collaborative divorce coach who said to me " we don't pick who we fall in love with we just fall in love", question why I still want her as my wife.

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"I just want to show her how much I love her!"
"I just want my wife back that's all I know!"

I just reread through this thread, and I haven't seen that you are on a path to this. The divorce coach may have just been asking YOU whether (and why) YOU still want her as your wife (without putting his/her own judgment on it. It doesn't matter what the coach thinks of her--it matters what YOU think of her). If you love her and want her back, then you have to take ownership for your part in the failure of the marriage and make changes in YOURSELF that will show her the future with you would be different. (Or, at the very least, make changes in yourself that would ensure that your next relationship will be different.

"I also started to remember all the Cr@p I used to have to put up with."
"I am just to good a person to deal with all this crap."
Hmmm... What was YOUR part in it, and what can YOU change about yourself?
Focus on YOU.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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