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#2445215 04/12/14 03:55 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Been married since 2007

H told me July 2013 that he is not happy and belives and that we are not compatible, mentioned many things that I did wrong in OR.
I have been on a roller coaster ride since then,,Im drained, confused, sad,,,,every emotion.

I found out on 2/18/14 there is a OW, found out he left his emails open and I send the confirmation of flowers he sent her for valentine day red roses, he sent me some but there were pastel different colors,,not sure why he sent me some, I was very happy when he did until I found out about the OW.

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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I think my H is having a mid life crisis, not sure.

July 13 he told me he was not happy and did not think our marriage would ever work.

Feb 14 I found out about OW. Asked him to end it if he planned on living in our house. He said he would end it, not sure if he did.

There must be a word limit,,,cannot finish my story?


Stick with one thread lets make it this one.

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power


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Thank you, I feel soo confused. Im working on myself and trying to give H space. Its very hard and I'm very scared.
I've made a list about me all my good traits. Im getting out monthly with friends. I'm trying my best to not talk to H about OR. He is still at home, said its best for our son. Sometimes he sleeps in our bed usually getting in bed just before our son would notice. He has not worn his wedding ring since he told me in July 13 he was not happy ,,,well in so many words he told me.
Listed off everything I ever did wrong in OR. Told me about all the times I was emotionally detached from him, how mean I am,,etc
He mentioned counseling once, then changed his mind when he decided he would probably not talk.

Sex life is pretty much gone, he said now you see how I felt when you ignored my sexual needs.

He said he does not think we should have ever married and our lives would be better without each other,,but he says he will leave the house IF I ask him to leave.

He wants out but I think he wants to make it my decision so he can tell our son and family that I put him out.

He is here for our son, not for me. He works and comes home late, he does not want to be asked any questions, he got a PO Box that his mail goes to, hides his phone (been doing this for a while).Very secretive

When he told me how he felt in July, I tried to address the chnages in me that I wanted to change, he said it would only happen for so long then I would go back to the old me.

When I go some places I invite him, of course he says no. When I go he has an attitude.

He ignored our anniversay last August 13.

Valentine day I was surprised to get flowers, pastel roses....then I find out a couple days later about OW, I saw email about the confirmation of the red roses he sent to her on Valentines day. Not sure how long she has been in his life, but that is when I found out.

After heated discussion, much crying,,I demanded he stop seeing her if he wanted to stay in this house and stay married.

He said he would stop seeing her, but I dont believe that he did.

Somw days are better then others.

He says the issue is all the years I was off and on, involved then detached and now he is done.

Im scared to detach, or go dark. Maybe like dim, I want to save my marriage.

I struggle alot with the thoughts of the OW, and the fact that H sexual interest in me is gone. I also notice that either he is having hormonal changes and his sec drive is very low or OW is getting all his sex drive?

I dont know if this is a mid life crisis or if my H is just no longer in love with me and ready for a divorce?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2B, this sound very much like my sitch. Even the timeline!

My H insists it was only EA, not PA, but what's the difference, really? He took off his ring over 6 months before BD: lied about it when I asked. He does wear it when he doesn't want people asking questions, though. Bottom line: ignore the ring. It's how they help themselves detach. It's just a ring- wear yours if you want to, but don't analyze why he's not wearing his. That is easier said than done, I know!

Now, my H also said he was afraid my changes wouldn't last. So, prove him wrong! He has to believe it, and if he's as stubborn as my H, this may take forever and a day! My H admitted he was hurt by my distant actions for so long that he is terrified to get sucked back in just to get hurt all over again. He was right about a lot of his concerns (not condoning his actions, but his complaints were very valid).

So, you gotta work on you.

Hang in there!


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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Have you actually gotten DR or DB? If not immediately get them.

If so, where are you at on them?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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Im waiting on my copy of DR to come now.

Any other thoughts of if I should go dark or 180 and what is the difference between going dark and 180?

H had some valid points about how I have been in OR, we have been together since 1996, married in 07.

I want the changes that I making for me, not sure if OR will last until H sees the changes.

I know I will be a better person, and the changes Im working on in me are actually making my relationship with my son, mom and friends improve. So I know these are changes I needed to make and want to continue being a better person. Since July when H finally really voiced how he was feeling. After all the emotions of that, I started to just look hard at myself and make changes that would allow me to be a better person a more positive person.

I have been praying ALOT.

H said I had a lower sex drive then he and never iniated,,the truth is I would use sex to reward or punish H. I know this was wrong, and so I changed how I viewed sex how I feel about sex overall. I have been initating sex,,and sometime H is responsive sometime he says he is tired. I know he does not trust that I will remain a loving supportive wife.

This is and has been a true wake up call for me, Im taking a hard look at how I respond, think, act, feel not just as it relates to H but to how it relates to me and how I feel and how I treat people I care about.

I'm NOT excusing H behavior with OW, or making allowances if he is having a mid life crisis. Im just focused on making this horrible situation into some type of positive. I had to own my part in this in order to grow into a better person.

BUT at the end of each day, Im praying that OR gets better and stronger then it has ever been.

I wish I could erase thougths of OW and wish H would really start to work on OR with me. But if he does not, I will be better overall.

The pain is horrible, the thoughts are draining. I have lost much sleep....gained weight instead of lost. But in order to work on me, I have started to take sleeping pills when the thoughts about OR keep me awake. Started to lose weight slowly by not turning to food and dealing with how I feel in the moment.

I have gotten alot better with not having the OR talk with H or asking him where he going/been.

We are great when talking about our son, and family.

The pain and hurt sometimes,,,,is bad. I was starting to have mini anxiety attacks, but I have learned to calm myself down.
Pray, read my list of good about me.

Put on a smile inside & outside, remind myself I want H but I can survive and be happy if H decides to leave our house and marriage.

Once again I dont know if this is H mid life crisis, and or he is done with our marriage?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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finding stuff on purpose or by accident

So I found out about OW by reading emails when H left his email account signed into.

I see now that he has requested some personal days off 2 days in July and then day after thanksgiving and then christmas day. He requested these days off last Dec, when Im sure he was all in with OW.

Do I asked him about this, or just ignore it.

He is still in our home, said he is not with OW, but he is still not working OR.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I would ignore it.

I also would stop snooping- it can consume you and will only feed your anxiety. You "calling him out" on stuff will do the opposite of what you want it to right now. Stay focused on you! What are you doing to GAL? Exercise does wonders!


Me: 39
H: 45
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H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
what is the difference between going dark and 180?


Going dark basically means stopping all communication with your WAS. It's not something easily done when children are involved. A 180 is changing a behavior. As an example, if you usually grill your H when he's leaving asking where he's going and with whom, a 180 would be to not ask him any questions at all when he's leaving the house.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Once again I dont know if this is H mid life crisis, and or he is done with our marriage?


The answer for all of us is that our WAS is done with the M we had. The only way they come back is if they become convinced that a new M with us would be different from the old M. It's hard to accept, but we (the LBS) shouldn't really want to go back to the old, broken M either.

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LAST NIGHT


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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LAST NIGHT
Was horrible. I did not mention the info I found about his personal request off. BUT I went all in about OR, tons of crying, begging, pleading. H said he does not want to be a Husband anymore. I offered to go file for divorce today he said that sounded so hard. I tried to leave house H stopped me.
Morning came, I was upset all over again, H said he would go stay with a friend, but said he was scared to leave me in the emotional state I was in, especially with our son, he does not want this to affect our son or our son see me upset.

I then started the begging again, telling him to stay.
H wants to stay in the house so we can parent our son together, but he told me several times as I keep asking he is not happy and has not been in a long long time.

I dont want the old broken M I want a new improved stronger M with H.

Since I do want H and a new M with H. What should I do?

Allow H to stay in house while I GAL, allowing H to still help with parenting of our son and help with finances. And hope that H one day decides he want a new M with me. This feels like it is putting my life on hold and waiting for H to make a choice, decision for us. How do I mentally survive while in house with H as a room mate.

Tell H to leave and really get on with my life. Cut all ties to H. This feels final and I dont think Im ready for this option.

Praying for help.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
What should I do?


First, take a deep breath.

Second, I asked about if you had gotten DR or DB as you really, really need to read it. This forum is only a tool that will help you implement its beliefs/methods. What you did last night is really against the grain of many of its core principles.

Now, that is a backslide/backstep and you can recover from it.

Third, HEED Cadets advice (post#2).

Fourth, You really need to develop patience. As suddenly as you felt this come on, it will not mend as quick. Dig in as this will not be resolved this week, this month, or even this year.

So I will encourage you NOT to make any rash decisions, or give the H any ultimatums.

Finally, you may benefit from a DB coach, it is something I wish I did early on in my process. Check the tab "telephone coaching" for more info.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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^^ great post! Follow that advice.

It feels like this is "all of a sudden" to the LBS, but the WAS has probably been building it up for a long time. It took a long time for you to get here, it will take a long time to get out (with or without your H).

Be patient with the process AND yourself. Al-Anon meetings help, even if there's no substance abuse. The concepts of detaching are the same as DB. The meetings are free and offered at various times (where I live there are 200 meetings a week at various locations and times). A good solution-based therapist is also a good resource.

You can do this.


Me: 39
H: 45
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H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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Im waiting on my DR book, praying it comes this week.

H told me today he cannot have another night like last night, he said its not good for either one of us. H wants to stay in the house and raise our son together.

I will do my best to help and not hurt our situation.

I will see my DR in 2 weeks and see if I can get something to really help me sleep, this lack of sleep does not help my "emotions" or my responses.

I will STOP snooping and will not read anything that he leaves out.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I am sorry that you find yourself here, but, the good news is that you will get excellent, caring advice. That being said, I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach. Your confusion, emotional instability and sadness need to be addressed by a professional who knows exactly how to guide you in this marriage.
The possible presence of another woman is a strong indicator that you need to get your matrriage back on track immediately. Call me at 303-444-7004 to discuss our coaching program.


Roberta, Resource Coordinator
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Roberta@divorcebusting.com
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DR book will be here tomorrow.

I'm very tired, no much sleep last night.

I have plans to make son and H a easter basket, also cooking homemade dressing (stuffing) cause H loves it for easter dinner, got H a honeybaked turkey (not eating ham).

I had already planned these things before "talk" last night.

These are 180's for me, before I would not have done anything "special" cooking for him since he will be at work, also would not have made him a easter basket.

He asked me about my saturday plans in detail I told him, but wondered why he cares/ask?

I soooo know I need to read DR tomorrow, but will be busy GAL so I will need to start reading on Sunday, after church and easter dinner, and spending time with my family (GAL).

Some friends of mine want to go to a 2 day concert about 1 hr away, would stay overnight. I know this would be a GAL and a 180 for me, but why am I worried what H will think or how he will respond,,,and then I want to kick myself why should I even care what he thinks about what I do.

I have no plans to have an A with OM, that is not something I will do.

Thinking about taking off my ring, but it would be only to help me detach a little to the M, but then I think this is sending a message to H that I dont want OM. Again why do I care what he thinks.

I also want to set a boundary about H OW (which he says is over), but I dont know if that is a boundary I should bring up.

Since the blow up last night,,I want to be cordial and not mention OR or OM.

I plan to focus on just co pareting and GAL, being nice and smiling at all times when H is home and around my son. I dont want my son to see me upset over this at all, not now not until I have alot more control over my emotions.

SO,,,should I go to Concert?
Should I not make easter basket or homemade dressing (well complete it already start to prepare veggies and cornbread), already brought stuff for H basket.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
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2BHappy Offline OP
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There was a OW for sure, just not sure if OW is still in H life.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2014
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Go to the concert, do NOT bring up OW. Now is not the time- it will lead to another incident like last night.

The books will help. Try to find time to read them ASAP.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Apr 2014
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Weekend was good, I did not start a conversation with H unless it was about our son our house.

I think he appreciated me cooking his favorite home made dressing and getting him a turkey from honeybake ham.

No OR talk at all, which is fine with me actually, I'm also kinda tired of talking about OR.

I started reading DR and will be reading some more 2night once H is not around.

H is thinking about going out of town for a couple of days, and I prayed that he finds some peace and enjoys visiting with his friend. Of course I wish he was willing to spend time here with me, but I know we are not there yet at all...but I pray one day.

I also started another book by TD Jakes, " A Lady, Her Lover and the Lord" I think it will also be a help in me working on myself.

I pray more often now and that is a good thing, I should be praying daily.

I have also been able to sleep a lil better each night.

I want my marriage to be better then it ever was, and I pray H decides the same thing. BUT I understand this did not happen over night and will not be fixed overnight, AND I have to also accept it might be too late, but deep in my heart I have hope and will continue to work on myself and pray and try my best to follow the DR book plan.

I relaize I have to be very careful in what I share with my best friend, she was very critcal and not supportive of me wanting to sitck it out to try to keep my marriage. She feels like H will continue to hurt me and if H has told me he no longer wants to be a husband then I should have just asked/let him to leave.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Quote:
I realize I have to be very careful in what I share with my best friend, she was very critcal and not supportive of me wanting to stick it out to try to keep my marriage. She feels like H will continue to hurt me and if H has told me he no longer wants to be a husband then I should have just asked/let him to leave.

Your friend means well and just wants to see you not hurt. Many people think D is a solution, when in fact it rarely is. Make sure you are doing what you want to do, because, as you know, it's you that will have to live with it.

My W reads her horoscope and the advice column every morning. Yesterday's advice was to never ask a friend advice about your M, and never offer advice about a friend's M. Issues should be worked out between the two people in the M. Why? Because at some point you and your friend will disagree and the friendship will suffer badly.

I hope my W read this and makes her decisions on her own.

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Yes, I understand why my BFF said what she thought. And I know now to not discuss my M with BFF, other friends or family.
I do have conversations with my SIL, H sister's we are very close, but I also monitor what I tell her.

H plan to take a trip yesterday, he did not. Once home H asked me to watch movie with him and our son, not unusally so I did not read anything into it.

MY blow up was just last Thursday, so I know it is way too soon for any changes in the way H feels. But I will continue to Pray, read DR, come here for support all while GAL.

I told a lil white lie yesterday, since H was home and I was feeling like a OR talk, I went to store to return some items, but told H I was going to park to read a book, but H and our son was like "to the park to read a book" H asked more questions,,which I answer short and left.

On sunday on way to church, H did not go he had to work. H told me I looked nice , and thanked me for making his fav homemade dressing. I don't know if I should read anything into that.

I mean just cause he said I look nice and thanks does not mean, I love you and I want to work on our M.

H is planning a day trip today (again), and I prayed that he goes and enjoys himself and returns home more at peace. I told him to have a nice time and asked if he needed me to take care of anything at home. Inside I started to think was he going to spend time with OW, but I switched my thougts quickly to something else.

I'm also working on loving myself more, being better to myself.

SO that when H decides to stay in OR and work on it, that I will be a better person and ready to work OR with him. I dont want the same M we had I want a better M.

But the sleepless nights are still there, and I'm very axious when H is home, cause I dont want to bring up M or OR . Trying my very best to have a smile on my face and in my heart in front of H and my son, and our family and friends. This is very hard at times, I know with practice it will get easier.

Thought about taking off my ring, but that would be out of spite and in attempt to get H to notice. I decided as long as we are M I will wear my ring.


It hard when one of H complaints is that I was not affectionit enough, but when I try sometimes he pulls back.

H said he is not sure we should be initmate cause it will make it harder on me. But I want to be, and I think not is allowing him to pull away more.

I want to kiss H bye in the mornings, or when H leaves for work on weekends, but I don't, I guess a 180 means I should not?


When I want to be intimate should I try to initiate as long as I don't talk about OR, or M and or have any expectations that it means we are working on M?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Quote:
I mean just cause he said I look nice and thanks does not mean, I love you and I want to work on our M.

That's right. Don't read a lot into what he is saying right now. Pay more attention to what he is doing.
Quote:
I'm also working on loving myself more, being better to myself.

Best thing you can do right now.
Quote:
Thought about taking off my ring, but that would be out of spite and in attempt to get H to notice. I decided as long as we are M I will wear my ring.

Precisely. Don't do anything petty. You're the grown up right now.
Quote:
I want to kiss H bye in the mornings, or when H leaves for work on weekends, but I don't, I guess a 180 means I should not?

180 doesn't really apply here. You just don't want to be pursuing or appear to be needy. You can't really address the "not affectionate enough" aspect right now.

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I sooooooo want to be all touchy feely.

Pay more attention to what he is doing? So what would I look for?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
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I also know that I'm scared about this whole situation.

Hard to stay positive.

AND I need to take this "gift of time" and make sure that I want this M, well this H. I mean I know neither one of us need the old M, but do I take this time to ask myself if I want this man this H?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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I want a better H, the same H but better changed.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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I found this on the Prayer Circle forum and it captures my thoughts and prayers, so I have copied it and placed it in my bible and my wallet to pull out and use daily. I will copy it here so that is may help someone else.

Heavenly Father I praise and worship you this day - thank you for all the gifts and blessings you have bestowed upon me Lord. Father God you know that my spouse is going through a mid life crisis of some sort. I want to save my marriage and work through this but it is so difficult.

I ask that you help me to focus on myself Lord, I ask that you help me to be the best person I can be. I ask you to help me let go of my spouse and trust that you will take care of them.

I pray for the faith and strength to keep trying no matter how bad things appear. I pray that you will help me keep my eyes focused on you that I look neither to the right or to the left but on you Lord.

I pray that I will remain loving, kind, faithful, responsible and dependable. I pray for full release of any need to dominate or control my spouse in anyway.

I pray for the ability to focus on my work, my children, my health and my relationship with You. I pray you will keep my marriage safe from anything that would destroy it. I pray that you sever all unholy bonds and relationships in either of our lives. I pray that my spouse struggles through this you will give them the grace and presence of mind to remain faithful, remove all temptation and opportunities for anything inappropriate or that crosses the line of decency. Take away all lust and attraction from our spouses heart and replace it with Your love. Help him/her to flee all adulterous thoughts and be able to glorify you in his/her body soul and spirit. Restore love, desire and attraction for me in their heart.

I pray you all anger, hatred, discontent, unhappiness, depression and confusion would be evaporated by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I pray that most of all you would help me to not hesitate to hope out of fear that I will be disappointed, Lord I commit to trusting you at all times. I praise You, I bless You, I worship You and I glorify You forever & ever.

Your Son said all we ask in Your sons name you will grant us – so in Jesus’s name I pray and I believe. Amen.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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M H went out of town yesterday, said he just wanted to drive. I belive he went to his home town. Last I spoke to him was around 11am yesterday. I prayed for his happiness and safety, and his safe return home more peaceful and rested.

The urge at times to call him was there, but not as strong as I expected.

It hurt some that he did not call back to say he arrive or check on our son who was not feeling well. But I understand his mind is not at peace and that he is "dealing" with his own thougths and feelings. I just prayed he enjoyed his trip and found some peace. When I told my son that his dad would not be home, he asked me where will he sleep, I told him at his friends home in his hometown.

I pray our son does not become worried.

Let Go and Let God


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
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H called he is home and sounded very tired, said he did not mean to stay overnight. I asked him if he had a good time, H said it was relaxing to not be at home.

Trying not to read anything into that statement, I mean I know he is stressed at home right now and I know my last blow up was last Thursday, so he is still tense at home. Praying once he relaizes I will not be bringing up OR or M or crying or begging, he will feel more relaxed at home.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
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I have a personal goal to not mention OR or M until H brings it up and even then to NOT beg or cry. No idea how long this will be, but H will have to bring it up not me.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I'm reading DR. Rereading chapter 5.
I will finish book this week but I know I will need to reread it.
Some things goals are not ready to be put into action.
Im being patient and working on GAL


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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It is normal to not receive many posts from other people on this board?

I know most of my posts are me just getting it out, but I do have some questions thrown in there and I do need some support.

If anyone has some time, read my posts and give me some feedback.

This is very hard and I'm not trying to discuss my thoughts with my friends or SIL or my mom.

So Im posting here would like some feedback ,,,,

Right now I want to ask H to sleep in bed, for me and for him to get some rest, the couch is not good for sleeping.

I know I should not approach him with this thought.

I'm also struggling with wanted to be initmate (another reason to not approach him about sleeping in bed).

This is very very hard.

One of his complaints was I was distant and did not show emtions,,so now that I want to and cannot,,,this is weird it seems wrong,,going against what I think I should be doing.

Even though when I was trying to, H was distant and does not want to be affectionate at all, last thing I can still hear over and over is H saying the does not want to be A Husband.

Why does detaching work? Why does stop pursuring, stop saying I love you etc,,why does this work? Especially when it was used as one of the reason my H wants to leave our M.

Why does this work? Oh I know,,its not promised to work, it works for some and not for others.

How will I know if this is working for my M? What if I should be GAL but also trying to spend time with H?

How does ignoring spouse work? It is just about giving them the space to figure out what they want, it is about being a spouse that is desirable and wanted. Is it the working on yourself and giving the spouse the space needed, that sometimes work?

How often does it work for those of us trying to DB?

I know this will not be easy, I know its not promised to work, I know it takes TIME, and it not even a week for me, since my last blow up.

I know that even if H does not change his mind, I will be a better person.

WOW this is painful.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I'll take a look at your post when I have a minute. Please be patient. As you can see there are ALOT of people who need help on the board. Unfortunately yours is one of the many.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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2B- people do comment on your thread. Sometimes threads get lost in the shuffle. If you post a short "hey, can someone help me out here?" , it will bump your thread to the top of the list momentarily so more people can see it.

Some of your posts don't ask for advice, though. If you want specific advice about something, do what you did in the post and ask it out right. If you don't get an answer, bump it to the top like I mentioned before.

Be patient.


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Hi Happy,

I just read up on your situation and I'm sorry you find yourself here. However, there are many wonderful, supportive people here that offer great advice.

I would suggest not asking your h anything. Be pleasant but use caution in any type of "question" unless it concerns logistics. For example, when you asked if he had a good time he said it was good not to be home. Focus on you and detaching. Focus on your son and things you enjoy doing.

Rings, no rings.... It doesn't matter. Your old m is dead. And while that may be painful, this is your chance to think about what you really want.

Hang in there!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
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Sex life is pretty much gone, he said now you see how I felt when you ignored my sexual needs.

Yes, I'm very sorry that your here and just wanted to let you know that your above quote is almost word for word what my h said to me!

But I didn't simply ignore h needs, he is an alcoholic , but of course that part is not considered.
I am following your sitch since some of what your h said to you is similar to my dilemma.
I am also new but one of the best words of advice I have had decent results from is No R talk! Helps so much ,


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Thanks for the words of advice and encouragment.

Its the start of the weekend and I have no plans. I have not actually seen H since Monday, he is home but works 2nd shift and sleeps in basement now, so he has seen me asleep when he comes into bedroom to get pillow and put on PJ's. But I have not seen him. We have talked every day for like 5 mins, he calls me to all conversations are about our son or the our house or bills.

Weekends are harder for me, since I see him in the mornings before he goes to work, unless I have something to do early and I can get up and leave the house.

Last Monday he did ask me to come watch a movie with him and our son, I did but I dont read anything into that.

H does still appear concered about where Im going, he ask, I answer nothing more is then said.

Old M is dead, WOW both sad and glad. I admit there were things I was not getting and was not happy about, but I was willing to work it out so we both could compromise and get what we needed/wanted.

It's horrible how he can go so cold?

I miss my H. I'm very lonely. I like relaxing at home, but now I force myself to get away so I dont ask questions, or beg, or pursue. I feel alot better about myself, I'm losing a little weight.

Our son is starting to notice that H and I dont sleep togther and that we no longer kiss goodbye when H goes to work.

I did not know what to tell him, so I just blew it off. Not going to say anything to H, cause for a while H was pretending in front of our son, coming up to bed before son woke it. Kissing me bye if son was in room with us.

I know that once I leave for work in the mornings, H comes and gets in our bed, so son can only be talking about the weekends we he stays up late and notices dad is sleeping on couch.


Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and just tell H to get out, file D and move on. H said I controled every major decision in our lives, so I guess I will back off and make sure to not control this phase this choice in our M.

I'm nervous about being home with H tomorrow and sunday morning.
I will pray and if I feel like Im losing control I will leave house until H goes to work, even if I have to drive around town, or go someplace and window shop.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I did ignore H sexual needs, sometimes out of anger, cause I was not getting what I wanted. I also had some medical female issues for a period of time (which H felt like I could have still had sex) I went thru early menopause and that was a TRIP, that I just soon got back from. SO I know H dealt with some issues with me, and I have been cold to him and distant when he was still involved in M. He acts like this is my payback, but I never mention to him D, or that I did not want to be a W anymore.

Not that it matters H is a different person , so I can not expect him to behave or think like me.

I've grown soo much in these last few months, all in good ways.
I know H does not belive I can change or even cares at this point if I did change.

It has only been 1 week since my last blow up of begging pleading aruging threats,,,but to me if feels live forever.

I have thought about going to stay with my mom some weekends, she lives in same town. I would have to take son with me and he would be BORED. SO not sure if that is a great ideal, plus my mom would ask soooooo many questions and I have already told her what I wanted her to know and dont want to tell her more of hear her advice.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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OMG I ask my H to come to bed for sex. I ask 3x's H 1st said he did not feel like it, then he said maybe before he goes to work.

I don't think I can do this. I went for a short drive to not start to cry. When I came back H had left the house.

I don't think I can do this?

Where do I get the strenght from to not feel this pain? I'm thinking about asking H to leave the house and file for D.

My breaking point is like a week, then out the fool comes, I make a fool of myself once a week.

Im tired, tired of all of this.

Why is H staying?

I dont't think I can do this.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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H just came back home, Im staying in my room until he goes to work or start chores in the yard. I dont feel like I have any control over my feelings when around him right now.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I dont feel like I have any control over my feelings when around him right now.

Is that what you want?

If you want to control your feelings, you actually can. The easiest way to do this is to listen to them, accept them and NOT act on them, they will pass wink


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
OMG I ask my H to come to bed for sex. I ask 3x's H 1st said he did not feel like it, then he said maybe before he goes to work.

I don't think I can do this. I went for a short drive to not start to cry. When I came back H had left the house.

I don't think I can do this?

Where do I get the strenght from to not feel this pain? I'm thinking about asking H to leave the house and file for D.

My breaking point is like a week, then out the fool comes, I make a fool of myself once a week.

Im tired, tired of all of this.

Why is H staying?

I dont't think I can do this.


Yes I have done something like this also.
I recall my humiliation of asking my h for sex and his response was "no, I'm good"

Also asking for a simple kiss and was told no. I don't ask for any affection anymore, I just show it myself if I feel h will allow it.

It comes across as pursuing to the was , and one thing that has helped me is I try not to ask any question or do any action that might cause a negative reaction from h unless I am able to accept being rejected or my feelings being hurt.
And as far as feelings being hurt i try to let it roll off me and have no expectations .


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One more thing I have learned is asking for affection, asking for sex, buying gifts, saying i love you, following around house makes you to appear needy and clingy and is not portraying the "as If" you are happy, healthy and busy with your own life (gal) being the spouse only a fool would leave impression.

Light attracts light


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I did it, I asked about R & M.

Threaten to find OM to meet my needs. H said my desire for sex is totally new to him. Of course he forgets we were having sex 1-2 a week when we were having sex, when I was not having medical issues, when were not having issues,,,anyway

I asked H if he was ok with me having OM, he said he just wants me to be happy. WTF


I know I was wrong to even pursure or ask any questions, H again reminded me its only been a week since we last talked and nothing has changed....H said every week I blow up.

THEN I also opened my mouth to a friend who told me that I dont' know my worth and that until I really ask myself is this what I deserve then I will continue to allow H to do whatever he wants to do, that H is comfortable at home and seeing OW if he wants.

On way to work H said he would TRY to give me what I needed (sex).
WOW,,,he will try, what the heck does this mean.

I need to pull myself together, get back on track with focus on me only.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I feel like I take 2 steps forward and in one weekend day, 1 day I lose all the steps and go back way back.

I hate the rejection.

Im tired of finding places to go each weekend to avoid being home with H is home.

I just want to be home and be comfortable myself at home, I told H I was thinking about spending weekends with my mom H said you dont have to do that this is your home.

H did yard work, got some areas grass needs to grow back

H said he is doing what he is supposed to do, work, taking care of house and coming home.

H said he dont know what he wants as afar as R or M.

Why cant I shut it off shut down these emotions until H wants to work on M.

I said you dont want to be a H, does that also mean you dont want a R. H said with me its all or nothing. Is he trying to say he dont want to be my H but is willing to be in a R with me.

WTH? H said H cares about me and always will.

How do I know when I'm DONE. Today I want to be done, today I want all this to be over.

Im scared to raise son alone, but I feel that H would be there to help.

Worried about finances and keeping my home without H financial help?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
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M 2007 T 1996
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Threaten to find OM to meet my needs. H said my desire for sex is totally new to him. Of course he forgets we were having sex 1-2 a week when we were having sex, when I was not having medical issues, when were not having issues,,,anyway

I asked H if he was ok with me having OM, he said he just wants me to be happy. WTF

Thats what I say: WTF
You cant use emotional abusse to deal with this, he is free to do whatever he wants but you cant threaten him with this kind of things, its very inmature and not a good way to gain attention.

Focus on yourself, GAL and be happy with yourself despite what he does.
And reread DBing to put you back in track.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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THIS IS HARD

Today Im asking myself do I even want someone who wll get invovled with OW.

I know I was immature with the threat, and this is not good to say but heck I feel like if I found me OM then this would be easy to move to to get a D. I know that is not fair to OM or OW to use someone to help me to move on.


Back to working on GAL and becoming a better woman, mother, daughter and friend.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
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July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
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I know its so hard to not pursue when you want reassurance of some kind that "he cant possibly not love me ". " he couldn't of really meant those things he said or did". So you walk around silent and not knowing how to act or what to say to h, and you think if only he would hug me and say he is sorry and must of lost his mind.

But if you stop taking worrying about him 24/7 , and stay busy doing things for you, and treat him as a good friend hardly giving him much real-estate in your mind, that might cause him to seek you out, come to you.

If you seem just fine and dandy like cotton candy, you will be attractive to be around.


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If you seem just fine and dandy like cotton candy, you will be attractive to be around. [/quote]

YES, I want to be fine and dandy.

Today was not a good day. Weekends are harder. I dont like H working 2nd shift, but maybe this is the best for me for now.

Need to keep working on rebuilding my self esteem, which took a hit due to this situation

How long can this go on?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
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Originally Posted By: ye21
Threaten to find OM to meet my needs. H said my desire for sex is totally new to him. Of course he forgets we were having sex 1-2 a week when we were having sex, when I was not having medical issues, when were not having issues,,,anyway

I asked H if he was ok with me having OM, he said he just wants me to be happy. WTF

Thats what I say: WTF
You cant use emotional abusse to deal with this, he is free to do whatever he wants but you cant threaten him with this kind of things, its very inmature and not a good way to gain attention.

Focus on yourself, GAL and be happy with yourself despite what he does.
And reread DBing to put you back in track.


I ask something similar during one of his angry outburst, my h bolted out the door one night and didnt come home till morning.
I said " what if I stayed gone all night? Than I told him how he would feel by saying "you wouldn't like that"

Well his response was " i dont give a f*ck what you do"

So again you shouldn't talk about the r, or ask why questions, or try to get them to say or do something to help you feel better.

Become happy healthy, busy, easy going, and fun to be around no matter if he's right there in the house or gone.

Gal and follow the rules of sandy's.

Make him wonder why you stopped pursuing, make him come to you when you no longer are hovering, begging, crying or acting hurt.

He might start to feel you are moving on with your life with or without him.


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I told H today I really see that H is done with M and that I need to start moving on myself.


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2B Happy,

Suggestion- no need to announce anything. Actions speak louder than words. Just live your life and enjoy each day. This is for you. Maybe your h notices and maybe he doesn't. You will be happy and focusing on your own well being regardless of him.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
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I use a db coach about once every two weeks, more in the beginning, and she told me not to tell them anything about how hurt you are, that they just might feel you deserve it.

Dont tell him anything, just show actions.
Dont be sitting home when he walks in the door
End negative conversation by saying "I can see why you feel that way". Or " I don't blame you for feeling that way?"
But also if they are being insulting or verbally abusive you can tell them they cant talk to you that way. And step away.


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H does not insult me or yells, screams, none of that. He is very nice as long as we are not talking about M or R. Can have a short conversation as long as I dont mention how Im feeling about M or R.

His comment today about I have to have all or nothing is still confusing...like you dont want to be M, but we could be in a R?

He has taken no steps to get a divorce, actually H has never mention D I have brought that up whenever it has come up.

H is still responsible around the house, washing clothes, keeping up the yard, helping with our son. Paying bills.

He will tell me I look nice. Just no R or M talk and no sex, unless I practically beg for it.

DANG Im mad I blew it, one week and I lose it and start asking questions, begging. At least 2day I did not cry (in front of H)

I also did not feel as bad for as long I did in the past after talking to H about M.

So even though I "messed" up today, I can tell Im getting better with everything, I know I feel alot better about myself in general, I actually love loving myslef more.

DB coach I cannot budget for that right now. I need to be very careful how I spend my money.

Hard not to be home when H gets home due to our different shifts, I would have to be out late at night, not an option during a work week, and not even weekend Son is 13 but not to be left home late at night alone.

Sat & Sun mornings I tried last couple of weekends to get up and leave house until H goes to work, but this bothers our son, he is like MOM where are you going, he is used to be being home most weekends. Then I lie about where Im going,,cause sometimes its just to drive around or window shop.

BUT I will keep DB'ing until H relaizes he wants M.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Sat plans= Work out, stay busy cleaning house, get hair done, window shop until H leaves for work.

Sunday plans= Go to Church at 2nd service, I will be able to avoid H once I get up get dressed he will be up about the time I leave the house son and I. If I go to 1st service he is sleep when we leave and getting dressed for work when we return.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
H does not insult me or yells, screams, none of that. He is very nice as long as we are not talking about M or R. Can have a short conversation as long as I dont mention how Im feeling about M or R.


So don't mention M or R.... For the foreseeable future. Let him bring it up. If he ever does, don't defend or justify, only listen and validate.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy

His comment today about I have to have all or nothing is still confusing...like you dont want to be M, but we could be in a R?
Don't try to make sense of it, simply listen and validate.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy

He has taken no steps to get a divorce, actually H has never mention D I have brought that up whenever it has come up.


Good, so why bang a stick against a hornets nest?

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
H is still responsible around the house, washing clothes, keeping up the yard, helping with our son. Paying bills.


Good

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
He will tell me I look nice. Just no R or M talk and no sex, unless I practically beg for it.


If begging is your current path... then this is a cheese-less tunnel, set a goal...experiment... monitor and review. (I trust you have read Part 2, step 4 & 5)?

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy

DB coach I cannot budget for that right now. I need to be very careful how I spend my money.
A D will cost anywhere between $2500-25,000... do you have the money for that?

I said it before, that is my one regret in this process, I didn't at least try one coaching session (remember, we are all amateurs sharing our experience/brainstorming, the coaches are the professionals)

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Hard not to be home when H gets home due to our different shifts, I would have to be out late at night, not an option during a work week, and not even weekend Son is 13 but not to be left home late at night alone.

Sat & Sun mornings I tried last couple of weekends to get up and leave house until H goes to work, but this bothers our son, he is like MOM where are you going, he is used to be being home most weekends.


Nothing wrong with being around the house, but if your bent on spending less time there, keep window shopping. Or better yet, find an activity that you can include the 13 year old. Tell me some GAL's for you, and include some GAL's that include your child.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Then I lie about where Im going,,cause sometimes its just to drive around or window shop.
Do NOT LIE!!! If you are asked where you are going, or where you have been. Tell him (you do not need to elaborate and give all the details), but be honest.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
BUT I will keep DB'ing until H relaizes he wants M.
Don't think in terms of DB'ing will make him do (or realize) anything. This is about YOU!


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Thanks for feedback.
GAL for me= window shopping' working out, spending time with friends, walking outdoors, bowling, joining a bookclub, looking for place to volunteer.
GAL to include son= swimming at YMCA, going to amusement parks and local fairs, movies, I've ask son to help me work on arms weightlifting. Church we r going t officially join a church we have been visting for a while
I love boxing so I might purchase fight and son and I will invite friends over to watch.

Nope don't want to spend money on D.

I have decided to spend some money on a new summer wardrobe for myself, this is something I need to do for me.

Right now its best for me t be out of the house when H is home especially if I'm feeling like I will bring up M. So I will to find new interesting things to do.

Working on me loving myself.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Nope don't want to spend money on D.


My point was, in hindsight, I wished I had spent a little money on a coach, rather then a ton of money on an attorney. wink


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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H is home day off work. I went to get pedi done after work, delaying getting home. I get home H and son not home anyway...

H had son call me to ask me to pick up something for H to cook for dinner. H one day off work is almost like normal. H cooks, and usually has a family movie night planned. 2night H and son will watch bball game.

I'm smiling, smile in my voice, I made sure to put on something comfortable but cute to lounge in.

2night will be hard, I will want some adult affection, BUT I will not ask or even initate, I will drink a glass of wine after dinner and hope I can go straight to sleep.

Stepson was here and I had a great convo with him, mention plans for jazz festival with my friend, step son and his GF want to come with us. I told step son in front of H that H was not interested in going,,,step son still said he and his GF would love to go with me and my friend.

GAL-I have plans to go to a happy hour after work with my co-workers tomorrow.

GAL- Breast Cancer walk coming up

GAL- Mother's day plans with my mom and son, not even going to expect H to do anything for me or expect a gift.

GAL- Mom's bday weekend coming up next month, planning things for entire weekend with mom and some to include son.

Invited step sons to Mom's bday get together did not plan to even ask H since its a night he works.

GAL= most weekends in May got plans:)

woundedfool- I understood what you meant:)


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I'm smiling, smile in my voice, I made sure to put on something comfortable but cute to lounge in.

2night will be hard, I will want some adult affection, BUT I will not ask or even initate, I will drink a glass of wine after dinner and hope I can go straight to sleep.


I am trying to tread lightly here (as this is a private /delicate subject), so I am hoping for some input from others. But the above quoted area really seems to be a place where you should treat as a cheese-less tunnel. So: experiment and monitor (and even set it as a goal... you want him to initiate some "adult time").

You mention not initiating or asking (good, sounds like a 180), but I think it is good experiment with the visual cues: ie: "cute lounging outfit", small "glass of wine", etc.

If no success this time, be careful how much you emotionally vest in him responding right away, as the "experiment" may fail this time. But keep experimenting.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Stepson was here and I had a great convo with him, mention plans for jazz festival with my friend, step son and his GF want to come with us. I told step son in front of H that H was not interested in going,,,step son still said he and his GF would love to go with me and my friend.

GAL-I have plans to go to a happy hour after work with my co-workers tomorrow.

GAL- Breast Cancer walk coming up

GAL- Mother's day plans with my mom and son, not even going to expect H to do anything for me or expect a gift.

GAL- Mom's bday weekend coming up next month, planning things for entire weekend with mom and some to include son.

Invited step sons to Mom's bday get together did not plan to even ask H since its a night he works.

GAL= most weekends in May got plans:)


All excellent GAL's, but may I be so bold to suggest something a little more regimented/regular?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Regular GAL= working out at YMCA, monthly night out with girlfriend's, rejoining book club, church on Sundays, 2x month hair apt, monthly pedicures. Most of these GAL I was already starting when H told me last July he was not sure about R.
Other GAL will have to come up as they happen.
My one week breakdown is 2 days away I will NOT break this week, no begging crying no M or R talk.

Im thinking about getting the may weather fight and invitig some friends over.

H normally calls me once a day before he goes to work always about son, house or family or bills. Yesterday and today he also called on his break, same topics but I was surprised about the second call.

A goal I have is for H to come back to sleep in our bed.

I do feel like I'm really starting to feel that even though I want H and M...I will be OK without if it comes to that... but also feel positive that soon things will start to get better with R.
Loving working on myself.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Im thinking about getting the may weather fight and invitig some friends over.


Funny, I am going to the fight with a group this weekend (as a GAL)

Quote:
A goal I have is for H to come back to sleep in our bed.

Good (and you don't need to elaborate here), but write down what you are doing (your plan) to achieve that goal. (Remember, "a goal without a plan is a wish"

Quote:
I do feel like I'm really starting to feel that even though I want H and M...I will be OK without if it comes to that

Liberating, isn't it?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Not normal week break,

I had a everyday conversation with H about house, son , to get the fight or not. H actually said if you want it just get it and we will pay for it (even though he will be at work) Then as H was getting dressed for work, I ask if he needed anything lunch packed,,,etc...H said no but he was taking an EXTRA long time putting on lotion,,,making no attempts to get dressed and I know he was past time for him to leave for work....sooooo I said "are you going to use that thing",,,

H said nothing so I turned to leave room,,not with a attiude and not looking all sad,,,then H mumbles something and removes his towel...H looked sad,,,I said is this torture H said I did not say anything,,,I said its how you look (probably too much talking on my part) but anyway it was ON, I think we really both enjoyed ourseleves...

OH during our conversation I had also said that I was going to drop something in his food to bring his sex drive back (I know not a good thing to say) And I did tell him afterwards that I was just joiking.

SO....now overthinking things,,,it could have been the hint that I thought he needed help, or it could have been my just asking in a indirect type of way...

I dont know if I should care either way,,,I enjoyed myself H seemed to enjoy himself.

BUT I'm not reading anything into this,,,I know this does not FIX M, and this in no way is an indication that H is back or ready to work on M.

Just taking it as 2 adults with needs, fulfilling those needs it just happens to be I think I just had a booty call with my H.

LMAO.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy

Then as H was getting dressed for work, I ask if he needed anything lunch packed,,,etc...H said no but he was taking an EXTRA long time putting on lotion,,,making no attempts to get dressed and I know he was past time for him to leave for work....sooooo I said "are you going to use that thing",,,

H said nothing so I turned to leave room,,not with a attiude and not looking all sad,,,then H mumbles something and removes his towel...H looked sad,,,I said is this torture H said I did not say anything,,,I said its how you look (probably too much talking on my part) but anyway it was ON, I think we really both enjoyed ourseleves...

SO....now overthinking things,,,it could have been the hint that I thought he needed help, or it could have been my just asking in a indirect type of way...

I dont know if I should care either way,,,I enjoyed myself H seemed to enjoy himself.


So, think about the awareness of the situation... You recognized he was late for work... but taking his time, you recognized he was taking a long time... While he left you the visual cues, you saw them and closed the deal. Watch for him giving you those clues again... hell, it just could be the time of day (maybe he has more "vigor" during the day, versus night).

Quote:
OH during our conversation I had also said that I was going to drop something in his food to bring his sex drive back (I know not a good thing to say) And I did tell him afterwards that I was just joiking.


Yes, the sex drive/lunch was not a good thing to say. Next time, instead of sarcasm, try telling him how much you enjoyed it.

Quote:
BUT I'm not reading anything into this,,,I know this does not FIX M, and this in no way is an indication that H is back or ready to work on M.

Just taking it as 2 adults with needs, fulfilling those needs it just happens to be I think I just had a booty call with my H.


Correct, it doesn't indicate reconciliation or anything other then a physical attraction/fulfillment.

If I was you, I would re-read DR Part 5 (chapter 6)... really focus on what you did to make the above happen. And keep working on the goal for sleeping together.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Rereading chp 6 step 5 right now.

Positive changes I see in H:
When he does his daily calls to me H is talking a lil longer, also got 2 break calls this week.

For what ever reason, H is no longer hiding his keys to his new car.

H use to leave the blankets on the basement couch most days, now H puts them away each day (this could just be H making up his bed)

Things I do to 180 (?)
-Stopped sending texts unless it was about our son.
-Leave notes about bills or house things instead of talking to him and expecting an answer right now.

-I have not said "I love You" in over 2 weeks to H.
- I have asked about sex but not R or M in 2 weeks.
- When H has asked me about house choices, I tell him to decide and that I trust his decision.
- Stopped "nagging" leave 1 note/text about whatever and wait until H brings the topic up or answers the note/text.
- I have not called H in over 2 weeks, I wait until H's daily call to me before he goes to work.
- I "thank" him for keeping our yard looking great, when H washes clothes or cooks dinner I say "thank you"
-Stopped snooping, dont know if OW is still in picture and have decided if she is that OW is NOT my problem any more. That will either fizzle out or H will move out to be with OW. I'm working on me cannot worry about OW.

I can tell you it feels sooo much better to be NICE and not always critcal or nasty or mad or sad.

This change in me is also helping with how I interact with my son and mom. I'm becoming a better person for me, and its overflowing to my family and friends.

I'm feeling more and more like my old self.

Honest: The woman I had become was not someone fun to be with, not loving, always angry. So glad I'm working my way back to being the woman I want to be for me. Each day I get up I tell myself I will have a great day, and that is exactly the type of day I try to have.

My BFF has even noticed a change in me, so this is not just about my M or H. SO even if H leaves , this has been a blessing in diguise. Something good is happeing in me,,I just hope it includes a better M and R with my H.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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GOAL for sleeping together, I thought about "breaking" the basement couch, but quickly decided once H starts to see the great woman I am he will come back to our bed, it will be much better when H comes back because he wants to.

And if not,,,oh well,,,his lost.

OH,,,and I forgot,,,when I was feeling low about if anyone would ever want me,,,about 3-4 weeks ago during a M talk .H told me he knows if he leaves this house the men will be lined up outside the door to be with me. That made me realize at least H knows other men would want me.

SO everyone,,,,even if our H or W dont want us right now or ever again,,,there is someone out there who will want you, especially since we are all working on being the best we can be!!!!!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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GAL- Playing my favorite music thru the house= makes me happy, makes me smile.

Dancing around house with self and my son today, while H gets ready for work. Invited H to salsa dance classes, YES this is another GAL for me. H declined but smiled at same time.

Going to take group classes, I have alwyas wanted to officially learn how to salsa dance H has always said no thanks.

Going to sign up to start in June.

I have gotten back to telling H my plans for weekend (not in detail) but more like "I will be out all day",,,if he ask I will give more info.

H still provides me information on his plans before work and after work (like I might stop after work with friends for a beer),so I will do the same. I say have a GREAT time.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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On way home from work I passed H who I thought was already at work H saw me. H called on cell say in he was late going in. I said OK...then when I get home H calls again I let phone ring H calls 2 x son answers gives me phone H ask me something son....
Son and I go to dinner. h leaves message at home calling from work phone said he wanted to call from work cause he could tell in my voice I did not believe he was going to work...he had also called my cell from work.

I don't want him to think I cared if he was lying or not...what do I say if he calls back. Or if H brings this up tomorrow-

I thought about leaving a note to tell H thinks for getting mulch which is why he said he was late for work (this is his day off working ot).


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Feeling lonely today. Today is H day off, wishing I had anywhere else to go but home. I dont want to appear needy today. I dont want H to think it even mattered to me if he was working yesterday or not!

Yesterday at dinner, son said to me that I was raising him and that his dad was there but always working and was only helping with bills and the house, but that I was raising him,

Now I'm like H states to me he is here for our son, and sad to me that son does even feel that.

So H is not really here for either one of us.

I will not mention what son said to H. I will wait a while and gently ask H if he thinks he could spend more time with our son, right now at our sons age I think he needs his dad more.

If our son is not benefitting from us staying in the same house staying M, then what is the point?

Yes I want the M and the R, but at what cost. I'm tired of feeling lonely and ignored and smiling when inside Im crying.

This has been going on since July 2013. I only really been DB since April, I know I have to hang in there with the DB to really give it a chance to work.

I have read DR 2x and made notes everyone to remind myself of my goals.

All I can honestly say is I know I'm better and actually most days feel 80% better. I love not pursuing, begging, crying, growing stronger every day.

Looking for some support and feedback to hang in there.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Yesterday actually was great with H home.

H called and needed me to take him to pick up his other car from shop. (H has been avoiding asking me to help him with anything)

I came home, shower from work put on cute spring outfit and took him to pick up car. Then I ran some errands, H called several times, once he ask where I was I said out running errands, he started to ask again then stopped. I ask if he needed something else,,he wanted something picked up then said dont go out of your way..I stopped and picked it up and came home.

H cooked dinner, and did yard work. H had alot of conversation with me yesterday.

H also went over the scratches on my car, and pointed out the ones that would need to be repaired (small thing, but big for me)

We watched movie with son, while watching movie and eating dinner H shared the couch with me (he had been sitting on other couch and placing son with me on the smaller couch)after movie and dinner on my way to bed I kissed H on check and said good night, I thanked him for cooking and yard work that day.

H back and leg was hurting, I offered to rub back he declined.

I hinted he would get more rest in our bed.

Soon after I was in bed, H ask me to help him with the sun roof on his car (another ask for my help on something, which he had been avoiding asking me anything to directly help him)

1-2 hours after I went to bed H comes into bedroom gets in bed and said he would just lay there for a while. H had taken pain pill for back earlier. I ask if back was still bothering him, H said not really but he would lay there for a while.

I tossed and turned, but did not initiate anything,, but we were laying pretty close. Woke up this morning H was still in bed. I gave him kiss on check and told him I hope he feel better and have a great day.

I will continue working on me, backing off, giving H space.

Oh I passed my week timeframe with NO R or M talk!!!

Just wanted to give update on what I thought would be a bad day with H's day off, turned out to be a great day on H's day off.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Does anyone think this could be the start of H on his way back or testing the waters or thinking more positivley about M?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Moving up, looking for some advice/feedback/support.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Sorry, just got back from the maywether fight, Will catch up on your saga asap.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Since I post the negative I want to also post the postive

H got up this morning and cooked me breakfast before church, H also got me a gift from him and one from my son for mothers day.

I was not sure if he would do anything for mother's day or actually I did not want to expect anything and get my hopes up.

I was very happy but played it cool, I did let him know I apprciated the breakfast and gifts. I went in for a kiss H gave me his check,,,,but then he went and brushed teeth came back and gave me a kiss on the lips.

After church before H went to work, H initiated sex, I was surprised but I took him up on offer smile

H then also gave me another kiss before leaving fo work.

I know the changes in me, allow H to feel more comfortable around me, and I know I'm a more welcoming person to be around.
I will continue to work on me, to become a better person.

I wanted to tell H I love him, but I did not.

I dont know if H is coming back around, or testing the waters, but this last week H has been having longer conversations with me, and just overall seeming less tensed around me, a couple of smiles etc.

I did tell H today, that anytime H wants to spend time with me when he gets home from work, its ok to wake me up. I did not feel needy when I said this, so I dont think I apperaed needy to H.

No R or M talk in over a week, going on 2 weeks.

I know its still soon, since I've been really making my changes and think the H is noticing, so I'm not going to read anything in this,,,until H puts his ring back on, and or tells me he wants to work on M or R, I will just continue to work on myself.

I will "test" the waters a lil, but not often and I'm paying more attention to when I should "test" the waters and when to Go Dimm.

When you have time, read my last couple pages of post and give me some feedback, would like to hear from newbies and old pros.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2Bhappy is your H still involved with OW?


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YE21- I dont "think" so. I did ask tell him in Feb that he could not remain in our house if the OW was still in the picture, H told me he ended it and it was never what I thought it was...

I don't snoop, I don't know for sure if OW is still in picture or not. If OW is still in picture H is only spending a couple of hours with OW after work, but I would know if H was working OT or with OW, if I was snooping, but I'm done with worrying about OW, done with snooping.

SO I don't know, all I can tell you is that H said he was not seeing OW any more.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Ok so its important to know this, if he is not with OW he needs time to withdrawal that relationship so I will hold on to make love and be a W for a little, asking for D its not a joke, you need to work with him in counseling and otherways prior to jump back into a "normal" relationship with him, its like he kind of have to probe himself commited to the marriage so you are sure and he is sure that marriage with you is what he trully wants.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
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YE21
So I need to know for sure if OW is out of the picture before I'm intimate with my H?

Last I asked H he said NO, and based on DB I should not snoop and should not keep asking questions?

So now I would need to ask for proof? I dont want to have any conversations about OW, and I'm not even sure what type of proof I would get.

Maybe its too soon still, H has not mention M or R, and H never brought up D I mentioned that out of anger and sadness.

If H ended with OW in Feb, how much time would H need to withdrawal from OW.

H also slept back in our bed for the 2nd time this week, this time not related to "back" sore.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Basically he went to OW, so yes you need to be sure he is not with her anymore and cake eating with you.

Intimate should be zero until relationship follow certain boundaries because you dont want to see yourself in the same position in a few weeks or months.

You dont need to snoop but you need to make sure OW its not around so he has to proof that to you for you to be able to trust him again, otherways there is no chance of a firm ground for R.

Normally it takes 90 days of absolutelly no contact at all to start having a realistic withdrawal of the A.

Basically if you go back fully with him and you have problems now or small discussions he is not yet firm enough to not consider talking to OW for advice or support that might lead to confussion.

What you want is him 100% commited to your marriage not 50% and for that my friend times has to play a role into this.

Protect yourself and let him come back to you little by litle and showing actions because you dont deserve the pain you went thrue and obviously you dont deserve to feel that pain again.

You are serious about your marriage and you will do whatever to still married with him right? So if he wants the marriage he is gonna have to do the same...


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I am going to step back from your thread a touch, as you have advanced a bit beyond where my experience lied.

I believe you two are now piecing (problem not solved,but maybe open to seeking solutions). Only thing I will add is that while I agree he may need time to withdrawal from the OW, I don't know if cutting him off in the intimacy department is the right step.

Your R is very delicate right now, I would strongly encourage you to try a DB Coach and utilize a "professional" and get their thoughts.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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Yes I see your point, and I will spend some time thinking about what you have said. I agree I want H back when he is 100% committed to M and R. I don't want to bring up OW, M or R.

I want to wait for H to bring up M or R, at that point I will feel that he is ready to work on M. Once H tells me he wants to work on M, I will then tell him what I need to be able to fully trust him again.


I can say H whereabouts are not unknown to me, he has also started to call me from work, I think this is to let me know he is at work.

H has stopped hiding his car keys, and his phone is not glued to him at all times as it was earlier this year. Not sure what was hidden in the car,,,or why he was hiding keys,,,,

H is offering to tell me his daily plans when not a work day.

I want to start over with H, I want a better M, R, & H.

I also want to be initmate with my H, so this will be a challenge if he initiates for me to say NO. But I know what you are saying is true. So I will have to think about how I want to handle this going forward,,,,

BUT I dont want him to be still with OW and me.

H does seem to be coming back to me little by little, I will continue to watch for clear signs of this.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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@ Wounded,

I so appreciate all your feedback and I must respect that you think there is no more "help" you can give me at this time.

I don't think I would consider us piecing at this point, I need this to continue for some time, I need to continue to see signs that my H is trying to connect to me. Either way, I know I will continue improving myself, GAL and being happy. I'm stronger then I have been in a very long time. I'm not at all thinking things are RIGHT, alot of work needs to be done for both of us.

I have told my H, I dont want our old M, I want a better M and a better H.

I will speak to my pastor, who is very focused on keeping marriages together and see what advice he has to give. I have checked with a couple of marriage counselors who focus is also on keeping the marriage intact.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
@ Wounded,

I so appreciate all your feedback and I must respect that you think there is no more "help" you can give me at this time.


Please note, I am not totally done. Just that it would be wrong of you to steer you in a direction I have little or no experience in.

BTW, you have hit part of your goal of getting him to return to bed. What is your goal to keep the change going? Or refining that goal?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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H is not fully back in bed, like last night he did not sleep in our bed.

So until he is consitent with this, I do not feel like this goal has been met, it in progress.

H was great yesterday in regards to making sure I had a great mother's day.

Today I was feeling unsure about how long I can "hang" in here and keep trying....


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I'm fighting against the urge to bring up R to my H?

It's a little over 2 weeks for me as far as not bringing up M or R to H.

I'm now also wondering how long do I wait, how long do I sit around and hope H has a change of heart about our M?

I will continue working on me, I feel like soon I will be done waiting, I know it has not been long time, but to me it seems like forever.

A year almost since H stop wearing ring, and first told me he was not sure what he wanted in regards to our M or R.

A couple months since H flat out told me he did not want to be a H anymore.

Only a couple of weeks since I have not mentioned M or R or ask him questions that relate to us.

But I'm getting tired of waiting for H to want this M.

I've been working on GAL for a couple months, going DIM works for me, its helps me to focus on other stuff.

Sometimes I feel just a tiny bit that H is coming back, but then next day I feel like H is never coming back to M.

H seems content us being co-parents and friends all while living in same house.

When will I know I had enough, waited long enough?

I feel disrepected with H still not wearing his wedding ring? I hate not spending couple time with H.

I'm also sometime tired of finding stuff to do to avoid H and not start a R or M conversation.

Tired of sometimes taking sleeping pills so I can go to sleep.
Tired of smiling on outside and crying on inside.

How do I know when I giving it my all, made my permanment changes, I know true changes real changes take time and there were many things I needed to change in how I related to H and the type of wife I was to him.

I want to give it till the end of the year, so I know the changes I making are real for me.

But I'm not sure if I can continue to wait?

Please give me some advice on how long you waited before things gots better or the R ended?

How do I know that H is really done with our M and R?

How do I knwo when I'm really done?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I guess you need to figure out what "waiting" means. You won't feel better all of a sudden because you made a decision either way. The feeling will be there, regardless. As so many post here, the only way through this is THROUGH it.

If there is any doubt, hold off on making any decisions. I think the worst thing in the world would be to look back on this and have regrets because you made a knee-jerk decision to try and make yourself feel better.

You need to detach more. (Probably seems impossible with him in the house). I still have detaching to do, but my life is much better/happier now that I am more detached. I still have my pity-parties, but "waiting" is not a big deal to me right now. We all will know when enough is enough. I think as a golden rule, if you're having doubts, you aren't there yet.

Hang in there.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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@ Artsy
Very true I'm still having doubts and have in the past made knee jerk decisions based on how I was feeling.

Very hard to detach more, with H here in our home.

H asks me about my whereabouts/plans whenever he is here and I leave and he ask me about weekend stuff or gets tidbits from our son.

H calls me at least once a day on his way to work (works 2nd shift) H tells me about his plans like if going out for a beer after work on stopping over step sons house etc. H gives me a quick update when he calls daily on way to work about what he did around the house etc.

When I pull back more, H does things to pull me back in, extra phone call, more conversation etc.

One of H complaints is that I was distant and cold during most of our R. So it a fine line between going dark and going dim for me.

Sex is something I need to figure out now, I want to be intimate especially if H initiates, not sure if this is helping our R or not, I know it works for that moment in time, but I dont read into it as we are back and working on M. I really try to look at it as a "booty call" two adults ful-filling our physical needs. But I know this is dangerous teritory for me. ML or having sex with H is great, but the emotions for me after wards,,,,need to determine if its really worth it for me.

I need to pull back a lil more with my conversations, keep it focused on our son, our household issues.

I feel like H is OK with us being friends and co parenting in same house. AND to be able to have sex as needed.

OH well....not ready to end R or ask H to leave house, so I must continue working on me and staying strong for myself and my son.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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How do others handle sex with H or W who is still in the home? I know every situation is different, but I use this board to see how others are handling this situation and to VENT.

Not sure if OW is still in picture, my gut tells me she is not.

Don't know if H is in mid life crisis or for his reasons no longer happy in this M or R?

I do know not enough sex is another one of H reasons he is not happy in M.

In the process of working on myself and GAL and putting myself first I feel alot better about myself and my sex drive has increased in the process.

I know its very emotional for me to ML with my H. I also know my needs have made me think for a very quick sec about what if I stepped outside my M and got my needs met by someone esle. BUT I will not do that, that thought came and quickly went and I decided if was better to have sex with my H since he is still in our home.

But back to my questions,,,How do others handle ML or sex with WAS's?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2BHappy,

Just catching up. Very little sex was an issue in our marriage was an issue. I admit my h is much more emotional than me so I did initiate frequently post BD. Sometimes I thought " I should have just done this more often!" However, I expected it to change zero. And it didn't. It was just having sex with h. I'm not ashamed for trying because I can say I was trying. However, as soon as he moved out (and I knew OW was in pic) I adopted the friendly distant business associate attitude.

Only you can decide what feels right for you. I can genuinely tell you I had no expectations for sex to change or mean anything. However, if you can't adopt that approach, you may want to not engage. I should also say not to expect having lots of sex to turn the sitch around. If he's been with others, be sure to protect yourself.

Glad you are feeling much better about you. That's all great for YOU!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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@Georgiabelle

Yes I dont expect sex with my H to change the way he feels about M or R.

At this point my mind set is if Im in the mood then I will have sex with my H. I can initiate or H can. If I feel that Im too emotional after sex, then I will know that right now its not something I can handle at this stage. Right now it has not made me feel any worse about situation.

Protection is very important, even though H still says that the OW was not a PA, I don't believe that for one minute, I really dont. And that makes me angry,,,if your going to cheat and not tell your W or H, use protection to NOT Bring anything home and or make babies.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Looking for more feedback

How do you handle sex (ML) with H or W in your current situation?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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moving back to first page


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Posting to get it off my chest.

Why is my H staying if he does not want to be a H, does not want a R with me?

He seems to have gotten really comfortable since I have not mention our R or M and have been just trying to be his friend (with benefits sometimes).

H does ask me alot of questions about my plans etc.

We do not argue. We are very nice to each other.

Does this mean he really just wants to be my friend and co parent our son?

Why not leave the house, why not get a D?

I know he can affoard to live alone.

Reasons H gave around Feb for not leaving:

H said he did not want our son or my lifestyle to change.

Said he was not sure how I would handle him leaving (mentally).

Said he wanted to make sure our son got a good solid start in high school.

Hinted that he would be willing to stay until son graduated high school. (4 more years)

I dont really know if this is H MLC or if H really does not want to be my H or be in a R with me?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2Bhappy,

Yes. To everything. Or maybe no. The reality is that it's difficult to explain the unexplainable. Your h is probably very confused. Even if he said he isn't. Everything right now is as clear as mud. I realize that doesn't help, however don't worry about what any of this means right now.

My suggestion is to not waste the energy trying to figure out what this means. You will drive yourself crazy. This is a long process and unfortunately everyone is looking for a magic word, action, or pill to give the answers. Several wise people on here say to " be patient and the answers will come."

Focus on you and your son. Continue GALing and being pleasant.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Georgiabelle

Yes I know to continue GAL and becoming the person I want to be, and focus on my son.

Patient until when, H decides to leave or decides to work on M/R?


I just feel like H is sitting back all content with the way things are now while I secretly worry, all the while smiling on the outside.

Belive me since I have been GAL and no R or M discussions I have felt better then I have in a very long time. So I know this works for me right now.

I now truly know in my heart, I want my H but I dont need him, meaning I will be ok if he decides to leave.

I get angry that is he wasting our time, my time and wish he would make a decision, but then on the other hand I know this is a life changing decision and I want him to take the time he needs to be sure and or work thru whatever issues he is having.

I think I will try to pull back a lil more, all while still being his friend, being friendly and smiling.

I noticed when I start to get too emotional (not that I let H see this anymore) its works best for me to go dimmer, stay out of the house when H is home, stay in other room if needed when H is home. Spending too much time with H brings my emotions to the surface.

I just dont know how much longer I want to wait?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2BHappy,

I know it's difficult. I really do. That's the key though. Don't feel like you are in a "holding" pattern.

Let's look at it this way. If you asked h today to either work on the m or we are done, what would that change? If he said I don't know,then you have to decide. If he said" I'm still done", then what does that change for you? Are you going to rush out and join a dating site? Try to start a new r? Does a D mean you are really done with h? I doubt it- you have a child with him. I'm just asking because you really aren't in limbo. It just feels that way.

You say you want your h and realize you will be okay either way. This is supah! Why? Because you know you will be okay regardless.

Just keep focusing on you and your child. Sounds like you are doing well!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Georgiabelle,

Yeah I knew this would not be easy, and some days are better then others, and I'm having more of the better days.

I will always be friends with my H, and we are great parents together.

And you are right, I would not be running out to date or start a new R. So actually that is the only thing I'm missing right now is a relationship with my H as my H. My M is what it is right now, not my idea M.

So the rest of my life is not in limbo, glad you pointed that out to me, I'm sooo focused on not having the R or M I want with my H that I feel on hold, but really that is the only thing on Hold and I can and will continue to enjoy life and GAL and be happy.

I don't think we are put on the earth to be alone, but that does not mean you will not sometimes be without a mate.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Wedding Ring

So I have been upset that H has not had on his ring since July 2013.

I have often thought about stop wearing mine.

Would this be a LRT or a going dimmer/ 180?

But not sure if this would really be a "hoping H notices I'm not wearing my ring"

I don't have it on today, left it home on purpose. It feels weird. Since H and I work different shifts and usually when he is home Im in bed and dont wear my ring to bed, H would not notice anyway....well maybe if we go someplace to dinner with our son and I dont have it on...

ANYWAY...trying to decide if this would be a good 180/going dimmer LRT for myself...another way to really see how I feel without my wedding ring on?

In process of all this,,,I want to make sure I'm really ready for whatever the outcome, taking my ring off is a big step, but is it the right step while Im still wanting my M to get better and wanting my H back, better then ever?

Feedback please. Are you still wearing your wedding ring, if your WAS is not?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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I don't wear mine, but it isn't to make my H notice. He stopped wearing his over a year ago and then made up stories as to why... I stopped wearing mine because TO ME, they represent a M that no longer exists. They represent vows that were broken (I don't like wearing jewelry, anyway).We are legally M right now, and that's all. I only wear my rings when I don't want people asking questions.

If we were to R, I would get a new ring.

HOWEVER, the whole ring thing is not a big deal in the bigger picture. Plenty of people wear one when it is meaningless to them- if you want to wear it, wear it! If you don't, then take it off. But I wouldn't expect your H will really care, either way.


Me: 39
H: 45
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H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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@Artsy

I also feel like the M we had no longer exists, in a way I feel like my ring is a reminder often that H is not wearing his and no longer wants to be my H at this time.

I also feel like if H decides he wants this M and or to work on our R, I would like a new ring to symbolize a new better M.

I dont' think H will notice, and or care if he does notice.

I don't want people to ask questions about my ring when they notice, and I dont want to be out and someone approaches me.

So I think I will also wear it if I want to and if I dont I will not, at this time ..right or wrong it does not have the same meaning to me. And I sometimes feel like it's holding me back from really being ready to move on if needed. Not that I want to date, I would NOT get into aother R while still M to my H.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
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B
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Posts: 366
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I still wear mine. Thought about taking it off several times but didn't feel right. So I put it back on and just stopped worrying about it. Moving next month to a new place and might stop wearing it then.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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2B,

I know I mentioned this in an earlier post (so forgive me if this comes off as nagging).

But I see many signs he wants R/M, but much like I stepped back the issues (and how to handle them) are beyond my experience.

What my advice is... I think you would benefit from at least one talk with a DB coach. I don't have any vested interest in directing you to them. Its just that in my process, I did not use one, and it is the only regret I have through my D. From reading comments about the coaches, they do have many of the answers and direction for you.

If down the road, my exW ever comes out of her fog, it will be the first call I make.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Posts: 813
@Wounded

I do see small signs that my H is not really done with our M/R.

I dont' see what your saying as nagging at all, I'm asking for feedback:)

DB coach, I will have to continue to think on this one.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
2BHappy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
@Bunches

I on the fence about if I want to wear it, today it is off and so far I'm good.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
R
Member
Offline
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R
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
Your online community correspondent is correct about speaking to a DB coach. Please call me to discuss our coaching program. Being proactive will help you decide sooner than later about your future. 303-444-7004


Roberta, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Roberta@divorcebusting.com
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