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#2445215 04/12/14 03:55 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Been married since 2007

H told me July 2013 that he is not happy and belives and that we are not compatible, mentioned many things that I did wrong in OR.
I have been on a roller coaster ride since then,,Im drained, confused, sad,,,,every emotion.

I found out on 2/18/14 there is a OW, found out he left his emails open and I send the confirmation of flowers he sent her for valentine day red roses, he sent me some but there were pastel different colors,,not sure why he sent me some, I was very happy when he did until I found out about the OW.

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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I think my H is having a mid life crisis, not sure.

July 13 he told me he was not happy and did not think our marriage would ever work.

Feb 14 I found out about OW. Asked him to end it if he planned on living in our house. He said he would end it, not sure if he did.

There must be a word limit,,,cannot finish my story?


Stick with one thread lets make it this one.

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power


Me-70, D37,S36
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Thank you, I feel soo confused. Im working on myself and trying to give H space. Its very hard and I'm very scared.
I've made a list about me all my good traits. Im getting out monthly with friends. I'm trying my best to not talk to H about OR. He is still at home, said its best for our son. Sometimes he sleeps in our bed usually getting in bed just before our son would notice. He has not worn his wedding ring since he told me in July 13 he was not happy ,,,well in so many words he told me.
Listed off everything I ever did wrong in OR. Told me about all the times I was emotionally detached from him, how mean I am,,etc
He mentioned counseling once, then changed his mind when he decided he would probably not talk.

Sex life is pretty much gone, he said now you see how I felt when you ignored my sexual needs.

He said he does not think we should have ever married and our lives would be better without each other,,but he says he will leave the house IF I ask him to leave.

He wants out but I think he wants to make it my decision so he can tell our son and family that I put him out.

He is here for our son, not for me. He works and comes home late, he does not want to be asked any questions, he got a PO Box that his mail goes to, hides his phone (been doing this for a while).Very secretive

When he told me how he felt in July, I tried to address the chnages in me that I wanted to change, he said it would only happen for so long then I would go back to the old me.

When I go some places I invite him, of course he says no. When I go he has an attitude.

He ignored our anniversay last August 13.

Valentine day I was surprised to get flowers, pastel roses....then I find out a couple days later about OW, I saw email about the confirmation of the red roses he sent to her on Valentines day. Not sure how long she has been in his life, but that is when I found out.

After heated discussion, much crying,,I demanded he stop seeing her if he wanted to stay in this house and stay married.

He said he would stop seeing her, but I dont believe that he did.

Somw days are better then others.

He says the issue is all the years I was off and on, involved then detached and now he is done.

Im scared to detach, or go dark. Maybe like dim, I want to save my marriage.

I struggle alot with the thoughts of the OW, and the fact that H sexual interest in me is gone. I also notice that either he is having hormonal changes and his sec drive is very low or OW is getting all his sex drive?

I dont know if this is a mid life crisis or if my H is just no longer in love with me and ready for a divorce?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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2B, this sound very much like my sitch. Even the timeline!

My H insists it was only EA, not PA, but what's the difference, really? He took off his ring over 6 months before BD: lied about it when I asked. He does wear it when he doesn't want people asking questions, though. Bottom line: ignore the ring. It's how they help themselves detach. It's just a ring- wear yours if you want to, but don't analyze why he's not wearing his. That is easier said than done, I know!

Now, my H also said he was afraid my changes wouldn't last. So, prove him wrong! He has to believe it, and if he's as stubborn as my H, this may take forever and a day! My H admitted he was hurt by my distant actions for so long that he is terrified to get sucked back in just to get hurt all over again. He was right about a lot of his concerns (not condoning his actions, but his complaints were very valid).

So, you gotta work on you.

Hang in there!


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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Have you actually gotten DR or DB? If not immediately get them.

If so, where are you at on them?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Im waiting on my copy of DR to come now.

Any other thoughts of if I should go dark or 180 and what is the difference between going dark and 180?

H had some valid points about how I have been in OR, we have been together since 1996, married in 07.

I want the changes that I making for me, not sure if OR will last until H sees the changes.

I know I will be a better person, and the changes Im working on in me are actually making my relationship with my son, mom and friends improve. So I know these are changes I needed to make and want to continue being a better person. Since July when H finally really voiced how he was feeling. After all the emotions of that, I started to just look hard at myself and make changes that would allow me to be a better person a more positive person.

I have been praying ALOT.

H said I had a lower sex drive then he and never iniated,,the truth is I would use sex to reward or punish H. I know this was wrong, and so I changed how I viewed sex how I feel about sex overall. I have been initating sex,,and sometime H is responsive sometime he says he is tired. I know he does not trust that I will remain a loving supportive wife.

This is and has been a true wake up call for me, Im taking a hard look at how I respond, think, act, feel not just as it relates to H but to how it relates to me and how I feel and how I treat people I care about.

I'm NOT excusing H behavior with OW, or making allowances if he is having a mid life crisis. Im just focused on making this horrible situation into some type of positive. I had to own my part in this in order to grow into a better person.

BUT at the end of each day, Im praying that OR gets better and stronger then it has ever been.

I wish I could erase thougths of OW and wish H would really start to work on OR with me. But if he does not, I will be better overall.

The pain is horrible, the thoughts are draining. I have lost much sleep....gained weight instead of lost. But in order to work on me, I have started to take sleeping pills when the thoughts about OR keep me awake. Started to lose weight slowly by not turning to food and dealing with how I feel in the moment.

I have gotten alot better with not having the OR talk with H or asking him where he going/been.

We are great when talking about our son, and family.

The pain and hurt sometimes,,,,is bad. I was starting to have mini anxiety attacks, but I have learned to calm myself down.
Pray, read my list of good about me.

Put on a smile inside & outside, remind myself I want H but I can survive and be happy if H decides to leave our house and marriage.

Once again I dont know if this is H mid life crisis, and or he is done with our marriage?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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2BHappy Offline OP
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finding stuff on purpose or by accident

So I found out about OW by reading emails when H left his email account signed into.

I see now that he has requested some personal days off 2 days in July and then day after thanksgiving and then christmas day. He requested these days off last Dec, when Im sure he was all in with OW.

Do I asked him about this, or just ignore it.

He is still in our home, said he is not with OW, but he is still not working OR.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
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I would ignore it.

I also would stop snooping- it can consume you and will only feed your anxiety. You "calling him out" on stuff will do the opposite of what you want it to right now. Stay focused on you! What are you doing to GAL? Exercise does wonders!


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 284
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
what is the difference between going dark and 180?


Going dark basically means stopping all communication with your WAS. It's not something easily done when children are involved. A 180 is changing a behavior. As an example, if you usually grill your H when he's leaving asking where he's going and with whom, a 180 would be to not ask him any questions at all when he's leaving the house.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Once again I dont know if this is H mid life crisis, and or he is done with our marriage?


The answer for all of us is that our WAS is done with the M we had. The only way they come back is if they become convinced that a new M with us would be different from the old M. It's hard to accept, but we (the LBS) shouldn't really want to go back to the old, broken M either.

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2BHappy Offline OP
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LAST NIGHT


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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