5 months of heck...ugh

[scooby]

Starting a new post. Once I figure out how to add old thread I will. How do I do this?

Been a hectic day. We saw some of my family and he asked if they were upset with him. Duh. I just ignored the conversation as I could see it leading to a fight. Had to listen to family not understand why I am standing. Um..bc god married me and I don't quit. Ad if mlc was not enough he us showing mental issues too. In sickness and health...right?


He is not sure how to make of my 180 and detaching. He keeps asking if I am upset about something. Which makes me chuckle...duh he wants a divorce. normally I am first one to start conversations, but follow his lead for what we are doing. He says he is waiting until his work gets settled for the divorce. I think he won't do it now because if it goes to court it will be nicer to help him out. He got mad when I said divorce does not matter it is just a paper. I guess he does not like me saying off the wall things like him. I refer to it as delusional land.

I still am crying at drop of hat. I don't cry in front of him though. I probably need more antidepressants. This is so hard, I would not wish this crap in my worst enemy. I look at my girls and don't understand how he could leave them. It is obvious he does not want trial separation, just divorce. He says us being in separate rooms is our separation. I caught him watching porn last night, so i found one more thing against religion. Ha ha I thought murder was only one left.

Please send words of encouragement or any ideas as every moment has been struggle today. My therapist gave me new books to read on mlc and bipolar and personality disorder. I am waiting a library to get them in from neighboring library. Did any of your spouses have a mental breakdown or nervous breakdown?

[whytry]

Keep your chin up tld. You're not alone and I have the same heartache. I cry a lot too and it in itself is therapy but I also rise up after I get it off my chest and make myself do something that brings joy to my life. Usual grab one of my kids for a hug or sit down and just admire them while we play whatever.

[job]

You may think he's having a mental or nervous breakdown, but he's not. His behavior will be very much out of character and will cause you to question whether he has a brain tumor or is suffering a breakdown...but what he is experiencing is an emotional crisis. Emotions for them run very high during this time of crisis and it's not about the red sports car or the young chick on the arm...but truly their emotions and facing childhood issues.

[scooby]

There are two reasons for thought of mental issues his therapist said there was before he quit therapy, and sometimes I see crazy in his eyes. Add that with the delusions and paranoia and it is worrisome. I wad told to watch my back as he could become dangerous..ugh.

I am an emotional wreck today. Having family here makes things worse right now. At least I have two hours to get it out before he gets home. He is already upset with me BC phone was on silence and it was past kids time for kids to call. All the messages were nasty and where are my kids. At least it made him feel out of control.

I still can't get it out of my head he is going to divorce me and put ow in my spot. She is even older than us drinks like twenty year old. Sad when you are fifty and playing college drinking games. I don't want a divorce and I don't want the monster h is now. I don't want my kids hurt. I feel like screaming at him wake up you idiot. I feel like I have no say on my future. And to top it off I may lose my job in a few months. I just want to wake up from the nightmare now. Help!!!!

[scooby]

Ok so I have been working on 180s. My h complained I was not intimate enough. So when this all went down I stepped up to the plate. Then I was told no BC it feels just like sex. Then it turned to where he would fake sleepwalk and we'd be intimate. Once I figured out the pa I stopped this and he does not try sleepwalking anymore.

How do I do a 180 on intimacy when I can't even get a hug or kiss? Also don't want to risk std. Ideas?

[scooby]

So I have been looking at my threads and I am back and forth on what to do and what I want. I want to stand, but do not know how to do that exactly. H is in our house in separate room and we are basically roommates. We can talk nice, but there is absolutely no physical contact. He spends every minute he can at OW house and claims they are just friends - um yeah I don't have idiot stamped across my head. He is showing all signs of mlc and some psychosis too. I tend to waver when I get around good friends or family because they want me to file. He says he is going to divorce me when done with work issue. I have been trying the 180s, but have not done very well. I have been detaching, but have a hard time not being a bitch when I talk to him (I am normally not that way.)

HELP??????

[Georgiabelle]

TLD,

I'm sorry you are struggling. Job has incredible insight into MLC. However, I can tell you that 180s during MLC may not produce much more than anger and venom. Yes, make any changes that make you happy and things you need to work on. However, thru should be for you. Your h may or may not notice. That's not the point though because this is a marathon-not a sprint.

In regards to intimacy, that is an issue I had in my M. However, having more sex with your h at this point isn't going to put the M back on course. Leave him alone. Sounds like you are doing well with requiring him to initiate conversation and on detaching.

Make you the best you possible FOR you. Enjoy your girls.

[job]

tld,
As Georgia has pointed out, the MLCer will notice the changes and in most instances, they will try their best to test your patience. The 180's are not to win him back, but to help you set your boundaries and help you get your own footing back on an even keel because you've been rocked to the core. MLCers do not like us to change up on them, but you must do things to make yourself happy, not him. Any changes you make, must be for you and must become permanent. In other words, do not pretzel yourself to please him.

If he has given you a list of complaints about what he doesn't like about you or the relationship, I can guarantee you that if you try to fix those things, he'll come up w/another list. There is no pleasing them at this point in time. Also, do not drink the Kool-Aid he is serving up. He's going to say a lot of negative things that are his perception of things. Do not take them personally because you know the truth about your relationship. He will rewrite history and no matter how much you try to tell him that what he says is wrong, the more justification you are giving him to do what he is doing. Listen, but don't argue and draw from your inner soul that you do know the truth no matter what he has said.

If your h is not happy w/something you've changed in your life or how you run your home, he may become angry and stomp around like a spoiled child....ignore him. Some will then try to be nice and play on your softer side to get you to change whatever it is you have changed...don't do it. It's a dance and they will play nice or bad just to see if you are going to soften up and allow them to have their way. Stay firm, do not waiver if the changes are good ones and are for you. They do have this uncanny sense of knowing if we are trying to win them back or if we are sincere in the changes we have made.

Your h is gone and will be gone for some time. You could jump over the moon, lay golden goose eggs or transform into the most beautiful model out there and he will still find fault w/you. Why? Because it's not about you at all...but about him and he is not happy w/himself. You can't fix him. The only person you can fix is yourself.

If there are things that you do that don't make you happy, fix them. If you want to change the way you look, then by all means change what you don't like...but do it for YOU, not your h.

Right now, three is absolutely nothing you can do to make him interested in you or your girls because he's in crisis. He needs to be free to rediscover the world and figure out why he feels the way he does. He needs to experience the life that he thinks he missed out on as a young child. It takes years for them to work through the crisis and hopefully navigate through it properly and then want to reconcile...but you do not sit there and wait on him. You live your life to the fullest and rediscover yourself along the way. If he truly wants to reconcile, he will move heaven and earth to convince you that he wants to return and be part of the family in every way. He will have a lot of work to do and that's when you will determine whether or not you want him back into your life on a full time basis. Ultimately, the choice will be yours as to whether you want him back...but that's going to be a long time off into the future. So, while he's out to lunch, work on yourself.

Please try to understand...there is nothing you can do at this time to bring him home and want to work on the marriage. The only thing you can do is leave him alone, treat him as a roommate and move forward w/your life. The time you are spending worrying about how to him get home is so precious and you could be using that time to spend w/your girls or doing something that you like to do. Life is far too short to sit there and wait on him. This is your time to spread your wings and fly w/your girls.

[whytry]

Exactly Georgiabelle! Tld if it helps from a H perspective, job is spot on. My W struggled to understand me and although the intimacy was a day or two fix it never was long term. I had to face myself before I truly changed to care and love her the way she deserved
It took months before I started looking inside myself to see how I was tearing our family apart. Although no happy ending yet, I now have hope but it's more that I am happy and she is happy rather than we might stay together. Please keep your chin up, smile, and see all the beautiful things you have. That's what I now see and the world is such a better place. Good luck and I hope that helps

[scooby]

Georgia - Thanks for the advice. It is so hard for me to make changes for myself. I have always been a follower not a leader. I always mold/prezel myself to what other people want. It sounds pitiful, but I don't mind it. I am feeling like thru all this I need to change my personality too. Poor H when he tells someone that know me that he wants to leave they really question him. They say why she is so nice and a great mom. It drives him crazy. How is your R going?

Job - Thanks for pointing out that the lists will keep coming and there is nothing that I can do to please him. I should have figured this out when everything is my fault, even his childhood. I had no idea they would do a dance to get what they want. The typical for h is to play stomping upset 2 year old, but recently when he wanted something from me - he played mr. niceguy (I did not trust this at all.) You are so right about letting him live his life. He really does not like it when I told him that I am not interested in what he is doing with his new friends. When he gots out I just smile and say have fun - it pisses him off that I don't get upset. It is like he wants me to fight against OW for him. But I get the feeling if I fought for him, he would not want that either - which is exactly what you said. How is your R going?

Whytry - Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one that is taking time finding myself. I feel like H is going to put me in a midlife crisis too. LOL. How is your R?

So what is the shortest, longest, and average time MLC takes? How do you know when they are starting to come back to you? Do they sometimes come back with some issues and reconcile and stay while working out issues - or is it flip back and forth?

Thanks for all the great advice. It is nice that I have some peeps out there that are helping me, and understand exactly what I am going thru. I have found that family and friends cannot help bc they see me hurting and the only way they know to stop me from hurting is for me to leave R. It does not help that thru all this my health has been in danger and I am probably going to lose work soon.

[whytry]

Tld I might have put my W in mlc. Lol. I was horrid. We aren't to R yet but I'm making lots of personal progress and she is happier with heraelf. I still foresee months and months of work

[scooby]

Whytry-

What do you mean you were horrid to your wife? ARe you sure that you are not believe that "Everything is my spouse fault" saying. I have had a hard time ignoring that one, as I know I was not the perfect wife. After reading relationship books I know where I went wrong and right.

Is your W out of the tunnel yet? Are you living together?

[whytry]

Tld, we were young and of course not perfect. She was innocent until we met in college and S born beforehand. She will probably agree she was not perfect W. I do remember many fights at first (started by each) but I can promise in almost every instance I escalated language and/or went too far verbally. Luckily I'm not physical but I would assume she lived with that thought. When younger I would grab an axe and chop down dozens of mesquites as my outlet to cool off. The horrid part was because during our whole marriage her heart was bright as a star and I was always jealous of that. She cares without concern for the hurt it might have caused her. I knew that fact and did hurt her emotionally knowing she would love me and show me kindness. Granted she did have her moments as all do but they were few and far between so I bare the bulk of responsibility

[whytry]

tld, not out of the woods yet so to speak. we have miles and miles to go as my newest posts demonstrates. We are still in our home although she in our daughters room and only says she's staying until she can afford to move.

[scooby]

WhyTry

I am sorry that you find yourself here. I have been dealing with this crap since November 2013. I keep hoping that I am going to wake up from this nightmare. Because one person is being selfish it affects a multitude of people. It makes me sad, mad, angry, confused, delirious, exhausted, and many other things.

I hope that communcation is getting better in your relationship. I hope that it is getting easier to follow DBing rules. I am still struggling very much.

I am tired of hearing I am done I want a divorce and everything is my fault...ugh. It got tired after 1 week. And now I have to deal with the constant question OW things you hate her - do you? UMMMMMMMMMMMM - he won't even admit she is OW. I just say I don't know her and I don't hate people and I have answered this before - now I ignore the question or say it was answered a long time ago. Sometimes I think H wants me and OW to fight over him. The problem is that I don't know who him is anymore, and not sure if we would work together anymore.

[MrBond]

All I've read in your posts is about your H being selfish and his A, etc. But I don't remember seeing you write about the things he complained about the M in detail. You just said that he felt abandoned for 10 years. In what way? When the kids were born, did you spend more time with them than him? Jumping straight into LRT just means that you agree with the D. It certainly doesn't sound that you are.

[scooby]

He complained of abandonment for 10 years. 10 years ago would be after honeymoon period ended. My therapist says it is often in these cases that they start complaining things went bad 2 or 3 years after marriage started, and to not believe it as it is the blame game. Also, 10 years ago we started working opposite shifts in preparation for having kids, so to not use daycare. I would NOT recommend working opposite shifts to anyone no matter how strong the marriage is. I also have a lifetime illness where I can have nausea and/or diarrhea, because of this I would say no to intimacy at times. It was too much for H to handle. First he could not handle the illness and could not handle hearing no sometimes. Other things are that I am indecisive, I twitch my legs always, and he was coming last. He went into a tail spin last summer when our youngest started school. It was 7 years he had a kid to take care of in the mornings, and he did not know what to do. He went into full blown depression, but would not go to dr or for IC. Instead he is going thru MLC and choosing new bottom feeders for friends and OW is in this group.

[scooby]

UGH...OW is off work so H disappears. I am going to go goof around with my friend for a bit. He must think I am an idiot to think they are just friends. I did not say anything when he said I am going to go goof around for a bit, I just smiled, but he did not see it as he has not been able to look me in the face for months.. Normally I say ok have fun, but not in the mood for it. I have family visiting and he decided he did not want to join us today, and then had a fit like a 2 year old that we were gone most of the day. UGH!!!

When does the nonsense stop! I know that I am venting but the important part is that I did not vent at him. I just kept my cool. Do MLCers really go thru this for years?

[MrBond]

"we started working opposite shifts in preparation for having kids, so to not use daycare. I would NOT recommend working opposite shifts to anyone no matter how strong the marriage is."

So that is a valid problem.

"I also have a lifetime illness where I can have nausea and/or diarrhea, because of this I would say no to intimacy at times. It was too much for H to handle."

It's understandable why he would feel that way.

"First he could not handle the illness and could not handle hearing no sometimes."

I don't think you understand. Rather than him hearing 'no' and you expecting him to deal with it, it doesn't seem as if you were too understanding from your part. If he felt rejected, what else was he to do?

"Other things are that I am indecisive, I twitch my legs always, and he was coming last."

Did you put him last?

"He went into a tail spin last summer when our youngest started school. It was 7 years he had a kid to take care of in the mornings, and he did not know what to do."

And how much did you help him? Did you try to understand and empathize with him?

"He went into full blown depression, but would not go to dr or for IC."

Rather than expecting him to get help, how much did YOU help him during this transition?

"Instead he is going thru MLC and choosing new bottom feeders for friends and OW is in this group."

Although I see this as part MLC, I see it also as a guy who is looking for direction and someone who looking for someone to believe and understand him.

How much of that have you done and changed yourself? You might think he's depressed, but just think. What have you changed to change the dynamic so that your situation is something he WANTS to come back to?

[MrBond]

"we started working opposite shifts in preparation for having kids, so to not use daycare. I would NOT recommend working opposite shifts to anyone no matter how strong the marriage is."

So that is a valid problem.

"I also have a lifetime illness where I can have nausea and/or diarrhea, because of this I would say no to intimacy at times. It was too much for H to handle."

It's understandable why he would feel that way.

"First he could not handle the illness and could not handle hearing no sometimes."

I don't think you understand. Rather than him hearing 'no' and you expecting him to deal with it, it doesn't seem as if you were too understanding from your part. If he felt rejected, what else was he to do?

"Other things are that I am indecisive, I twitch my legs always, and he was coming last."

Did you put him last?

"He went into a tail spin last summer when our youngest started school. It was 7 years he had a kid to take care of in the mornings, and he did not know what to do."

And how much did you help him? Did you try to understand and empathize with him?

"He went into full blown depression, but would not go to dr or for IC."

Rather than expecting him to get help, how much did YOU help him during this transition?

"Instead he is going thru MLC and choosing new bottom feeders for friends and OW is in this group."

Although I see this as part MLC, I see it also as a guy who is looking for direction and someone who looking for someone to believe and understand him.

How much of that have you done and changed yourself? You might think he's depressed, but just think. What have you changed to change the dynamic so that your situation is something he WANTS to come back to?

[scooby]

Once this whole thing started he told me that he has tried for 10 years and was done and was putting up his wall. Initially I was able to get thru that wall. But then he said no sex as it feels weird, no sleeping in the same room. Then he would fake sleep walk to get sex, which I gave into until I figured out he was having a PA. He used to invite me to sleep in the spare room with him occassionally, but has not since we had a physical alteracation. He blames me for the fight and I blame him. He pushed me away at that point and said no physical contact.

I felt so bad for him when he started to go downhill last summer. He did not want to talk to me about it, just pushed me away, but I kept trying. I suggested anti-depressents and counselor. He did not want drugs as does not like anything foreign in his body and he went to counseling when I child and thinks that it is stupid.

I still feel bad for him as I see the pain in his face, but he wants nothing to do with me. It is like once he said he wanted a divorce that was it and I was out the window and OW was in.

My illness is in remission right now. I was unable to intake food for so long and was being fed by tubes and that is when the inflammation went away. Now I have started eating and have to be careful until I figure out what problem foods are.

I wish I had known that he had felt rejected. He did not communicate it to me. He said he didn't because he felt that I could do nothing about the illness, then it just got to be too much for him. He felt guilty talking to me about it, so he never did.

So do you think I should try to be the loving understanding person again? That is my norm, but he kept pushing me away, so I thought opposite might work. It seems like nothing is working because he is so into OW and that he wants a divorce that he cannot see past it. Help???? What do you suggest Mr. Bond? I am a super idiot at all this relationship stuff. I have read where I have gone wrong, but he has said I have my wall and I am not letting you in, I have been unable to put a crack in his wall. HELP???????????? I love my husband, even though he is different then what I know. I don't want my kids to be part of a broken family. Suggestions??????

[scooby]

I feel like I am doing everything wrong and I am going to lose my husband because of the MLC and I am not able to figure out what to do. UGH!!!!!

[MrBond]

"I wish I had known that he had felt rejected. He did not communicate it to me. He said he didn't because he felt that I could do nothing about the illness, then it just got to be too much for him. He felt guilty talking to me about it, so he never did."

This is the heart of the problem. He still can't talk to you about it because he is afraid to seem like the "bad guy". So he deals with it by running away. Not mature, but it's how he feels right now.

What have you done to improve those issues he had a problem with?

[praying_in_GA]

MrBond, you have hit on something I have been wondering about in my own sitch. I wonder if you could help me out with that. I don't want to hijack her post but it has the same issues.

How exactly do we improve some of these issues when the improvement would go against DBing? For instance, lack of intimacy or lack of communication.

[scooby]

praying -

Feel free to hijack my post! 5 months ago when he opened up I talked to him and then upped the intimacy - it lasted for 2 weeks then he told me no more. Then he stayed away for a few weeks and then he was receptive for about a month (I found that month OW went back to boyfriend.) I can talk to him about day to day things, but when I try to communicate about anything deeper I get monster. I continue to try and hug him and give the occasional kiss, or try to hold hands. I get pushed away. The only intimacy that has happened in last few months is when he is fake sleepwalking. Although, the last month I have not allowed that because I know his relationship with OW has turned to PA. I don't try everyday to give a hug or hold hands as I know that can be frustrating to a MLC. It is so hard because I know that he wants affection, it just seems like he does not want it from me because I am the enemy and at fault for everything. H was abandoned by mom at 7 years and then dad abanoned him with other wifes as he let them treat him lik sh...

Mr. Bond what do I do? It seems like everything I have done is wrong. It is hard to get someone close when the are also MLCing. HELP?????????????? Anyone HELP?????????????

[Georgiabelle]

TLD,

You've answered your own question. You didn't abandon your h. He suffers from abandonment as a child. That's his deal. You CANNOT fix him. Reread Job's advice.

[scooby]

It is hard for me to decide what should do considering the mlc and that he feels I abandoned him. I feel like I have failed.

Mr bond why is abandonment important. Dud u mess up again? Help???

[job]

You have not failed. This isn't about you at all. What do you do? You live your life to the fullest and treat him like you would a friend. When he wants to talk, listen to what he has to say and validate him whenever you can. But, please understand...YOU CAN'T FIX HIM. He has to do that himself.

The more you try to fix your situation, the deeper the hole is going to be. The best thing to do is just be yourself and allow him time to figure things out for himself. Fixing him is on him to do. If you have some things that you don't like about yourself, work on them...but whatever changes you make, you make for you...not to win him back. When he begins to sense that you are moving forward and you become more independent, he will come sniffing around once again to see if your changes are real or if they aren't. Right now, you are trying to pretzel yourself and you shouldn't be doing that. Just leave the man alone and when he wants to talk...listen.

Keep the focus on you.

[scooby]

Job

It makes sense. I am just scared to death. My natural self is very nice, probably like doormat and very affectionate. It hurts when you want to give someone a simple hug, and you can't. It is hard for me to get in friend zone since that is where ow started. I have a fear is it mlc or is he so infatuatedly with ow he is changing himself to be like her.

So I should be his friend and not attempt the his, kisses, or holding hands? Please understand I am dense on approach to take.

[job]

If you have already tried to hold hands or kiss him and he's shunned you, then the message from him is that he doesn't want you to do that. Respect his wishes and not attempt it again. You need to learn to follow his lead, observe and listen.

Right now, it appears that he's infatuated w/the ow and his focus will be on her and doing what will please and impress her. Please understand that you have absolutely no control over what he does or doesn't do when it comes to that relationship and his crisis. Well, I hate to say this...but they all change to some degree when they are in crisis. They generally revert back to the age that they were emotionally stunted and some act like teenagers and others like 2 and 5 yr olds. It's all part of the crisis. They are like onions and they have to peel the layers back to get to the core of their issues and yes, there will come a time when they will wear masks to hide how they are really doing. Sometimes he'll wear the mask of happiness and when he's around you, it could be the mask of unhappiness, etc. But that will come as he moves along.

Yes, I realize it hurts when you can't kiss or touch your spouse, but if he's indicated that he doesn't want you to do that, then don't do it. Learn to respect his wishes. Learn to observe, listen and follow his lead. If he wants to hold hands, he'll need to be the one to initiate.

All relationships start out as friends and that's where you will need to begin again when he's open to that kind of relationship. Right now, he's a roommate who doesn't want any type of emotional ties to you and the family. He doesn't want any responsibility and he wants to be able to come and go w/out being accountable for his actions. However, the consequences of his actions will eventually come back to haunt him...but not for a while.

If you have some time, please go to the MLC Archives and do some reading. There are many good threads there, as well as on the current forum. You aren't alone on the path and there are many who walking right beside you. Dig deep for patience, as you will need tons of it as you walk the path. Learn to sit quietly and the answers will come. Come here to ask questions, vent or just to chat. Do not share any information that you receive here w/him. This is your safe haven.

[scooby]

Job

Thanks so much. I am still second guessing the mlc I think. My therapist has said that is what it is. H therapist that he quit does not believe in mlc, just wants a divorce and has some mental issues and be careful.

So I will hang back and be his friend and take his lead. His lead right now is I will talk to you, but don't come near me. I just want to grab and hug BC I can see he us struggling. Everyone says it will work out in end, but is [censored] not knowing what end will be.

Mrbond. I am curious y the abandonment sparked something. Let me know.

[LiveNow]

tld, hang in there. You are doing fine. I cannot really answer the questions above, but there are lots of great 'MLC resources' on this site about the various stages of MLC. (I might have them memorized by now, though!) Family and friends look at me like 'How long are you gonna take this from him?' If they love you, they'll stand behind you. They may not help right now, but they will be there for you.

I'm not deeply religious, but I sure have gotten more so this past year. I will pray for you, your health, and your job situation. After being laid off twice in my career, I know the feeling. But, both of those experiences? They each turned out to be a GOOD thing in the long run -- indeed part of a greater plan for my life. Perhaps this MLC drama is also part of a greater plan?

[Georgiabelle]

TLD,

Livenow makes a great point. It really does(Expletive). However, MLC does happen for a reason.

[scooby]

So now when h is overly nice, I wonder why and don't trust it. The last time he wad nice he wad pumping me for information. He claims he does not trust me and I don't trust him. How are we supposed to be friends if there is no trust? How do we raise the kids if there is no trust? How do I hope for reconciliation if there is no trust?

This mlc [censored]!! I feel like I am in a long nightmare and want to wake up now. Grrrrr

[scooby]

Ugh...i am trying to not call or text him and need to detach. He left st 11 like normal to go to her house. He left the movie rental up on the computer. It hurts to think he is watching a movie with her, things we used to do together that we don't anymore. I was asleep on the couch and he didn't even wake me to tell me he had gone. How am I going to get thru this? What does ow have that I don't? How do people detach from this? This [censored]!!!!!!!!!

[job]

tld,
You need to breathe! You are very new at this rodeo and like I have said before, there will be ups and there will be downs. As to whether your h is in MLC, is a WAS or has a personality disorder, there's nothing you can do about it except to live your life for you and your children.

When you have a live in spouse in crisis, it is far harder to deal w/because they are in your space 24/7 and you get to hear and see all of their crazy making behaviors. It's difficult to detach when they live at home, but it can be done. As I've mentioned before...you treat them as roommate and friendship comes along later. You can't force a relationship on them...they have to want it too.

How will you get thru this? One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute, second, etc. You focus on the here and now and put the past in a box and store it away. The future is not ours to figure out because the present is all we need to live in at the moment.

Your h is acting like a teenager and until you finally figure it out and understand that you have no control over him and he's going to do what he needs to do to get through his crisis. You are no longer on his radar as a spouse, but someone standing in his way of happiness. I'm sorry that I'm blunt, but it's the truth. In his mind, the marriage, you, family and responsibilities are holding him back. What do you do? Detach, live your life as if he's gone away for a while and the man that is living w/you is a new roommate. Learn to accept him for who he is today and not who he was. Expectations have to remain at zero at all times because he's not going to be the same. In fact, he will become the mirror image of the man you once knew. Learn to rely on yourself, family and friends for support and strength during this time. His crisis will not kill you...but it will make you stronger and wiser beyond your years. Now breathe!

[scooby]

Job-

Thanks for the encouragement! I was so pissed this morning I was ready to file for divorce, which is new for me. Do people stand and file for their own divorce? Logically I cannot do it right now - there are too many unknowns. The unknowns are: he is in danger of losing his job, my company is being bought out and I find out this fall if I have a job, my family moving to help me, his possible lawsuit, and I don't want his new bottom feeder trailer trash friends around my kids. I also do not want to upset my kids. At this point he started us down this road - he can finish it. He seems pretty determined to get a divorce after his work situation is complete, but that could be awhile. For his work trouble it is to his advantage that we are married and I believe he is just friends with OW, or he would be fired and if it goes to court could perjure himself.

One of my friends suggested that I ask him to always drive car even when he carpools with OW. I don't think I want that because she is so uncomfortable when she comes over. She does not get out of the car and is always trying to avoid eye contact - looking at floor of car. I also don't want to give him the power that she bothers me. Right now he thinks I believe they are just friends - if I knew anything else he would be fired. So should I tell him to always park at her house?

Also, the kids have been wanting to go to a movie. I want to take them this weekend but he works. I am trying hard to GAL - but I don't want to peeve him off in the process, as he has a bad temper and retaliates. Should I say nothing and take the kids to the movie? Ask if he wants to go and then plan as a family event on his day off? Tell him that we are going to the movie? I know there is a lot of thought in this. But if I do the wrong thing he will go monster and start using the kids, which we have been able to avoid.

It is so hard to stand and detach at times. Some moments I am good and giddy, and others I cannot move and am crying my eyes out. Thanks for all the strength that everyone is giving me! It really helps!1!

I got some bad news today. My friend of 20 years that has been with me since the beginning of this nonsense, knew me before I met my husband is terminal. I came home crying for work, and of course H had to know what was up. I told him and he said he has been sick for so long, why did it take so long to catch. No I'm sorry, no hug, no I know this is difficult. He was a butt and very cold! How can someone that would do anything for me 6 months ago be such a mean person? UGH

Thanks againg everyone:)

[scooby]

Is it ok to post in more than one area? Why don't I have access to leave messages?

[MrBond]

You can post more than in one area, however it's easier to stick with one so people can track your progress.

So again your above post shows you concentrating on your H. In what ways have YOU changed? What are YOUR goals?

[scooby]

MrBond-

Once again you are right. I am having a hard time moving the focus to myself from H. I am still working on soidifying my changes. But so far - I am doing more activities with the girls while he is at work instead of waiting for his day off. I try to do something small with girls everyday after school, and then lots on weekends. If it is his weekend off I invite him along. Physically I got a new hairstyle and highlights - which felt good. I have not done highlights since before I got pregnant with my 7 year old. I have started to run, walk and ride bikes again. I have gotten into reading a ton. I am learning to tone up cooking - which needs a lot of work. I have gotten back into my cleaning routines that I had prior to kids, but now the kids help me I also do not necessarily stay up to see H when he comes home at night. I would like to tone up my body and start boxing with H punching bag (actually want to put his picture up and punch it a few million times...LOL) So I am making small changes.

The goals are hard for me. I have read both DB books, but I scrammble to make my goals and then get easily frustrated. A lot of my goals center around H, and how to get him back, which I gather is not the right thing to do. MrBond or anyone can you give me some help with these, as I am lost at this point? I am finding that my losing a lot of weight and being tube fed, and the lack of sleep is hurting the way I think and react to things. Still having trouble gaining with tube feedings. H said he cancelled first lawyer due to how sick I am. HELP ME???? Where did you start with goals, I seem to center them on getting him back and not on GAL goals.

[MrBond]

Have you tried anything like meditation or something to quiet your mind and soul?

[scooby]

Yep I have been trying mediation, and have not gotten far. I was not one that could quiet my mind before all this hit. I knew that I was anxious, but I would say I am highly anxious person now. I have had a friend/therapist trying to help me with this, as she does relaxation exercises with rehab patients. I will admit I have made progress - but it is very little. I do have anxiety pills, but they knock me on my butt, so I only take at night sometimes if I have enough hours. My new anti-depressents are helping quite a bit.

So MrBond - are you saying with my goals forget trying to get back H on these, but make the goals around what would be best for me and the girls? Sorry I am so dense (and what the freak do I do about the abondonment - you eluded to the other day that is important to know.)

[MrBond]

What I'm saying s what DB suggests. Write down those behaviors and actions that might have driven your H away and continue to make yourself stronger mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It may not bring him back but it's the best thing you can do for YOU.

Become beautiful inside and out.

[job]

Mr. Bond is correct in that you are still focusing way too much on your h and trying to find a way to control him, i.e., like the car deal.

If you and the children want to go to the movies, then go. Nothing says your h has to go every time you go somewhere. Learn to be more independent and not so afraid to try something new. You do realize that no matter what you say or do, he could very well become an angry man. Learn to live your life for you and your kids. He certainly is enjoying his w/his so called friend.

You can't leave messages for people on this particular site. I've been here for a long time and it's not been activated.

Keep the focus on you, your goals and your children. Leave him to his own undoing.

[LiveNow]

tld - before my bomb drop (10 mos. ago), I was constantly consumed with anxiety (not debilitating, but far too much for a 'normal' existence). Of course, it has escalated because I felt 'something' was up between H and I. Still had no warning of the explosion that was coming. But, I have taken some meditation classes at my local college. The instructor gets us started, and kind of leads us through. Then, once you get the hang of it, you can do it on your own. It's starting to really make a difference now. You just have to keep doing it and you will get the benefits. It's really about concentrating on the here and now -- not the past, not the future, just NOW. It really helps curb the worry and the dwelling on the past. Keep trying. It takes some practice. I am sorry to hear about your friend...

[scooby]

Thanks mrbond, job, and livenow

Everything said makes sense total sense. The enactment is very hard. I am guessing with all this crap I am going to find I have a codependent personality. Ugh!;; more good news. You all sound so healthy. I dream to someday be like you all. I need to look into meditation further. I feel like thru thus whole situation I am being constantly smacked in the face. Hope it ends soon. I also secretly hope someone gets caught for all the bad behaviors at work, since it is HUGE danger to others.

So the messaging does not work. We can't do emailing either...right?

[MrBond]

"You all sound so healthy. I dream to someday be like you all."

Oh believe me, it wasn't always like this. Everyone on this site has gone through the EXACT same range of emotions you have. That's what makes this site so great. You are getting advice from the people who have and are actually living through this.

So believe me when I tell you that you will get to that point. You just need to have the faith in yourself. You will get stronger than you can ever imagine. It just takes one small step at a time.

In terms of the meditation thing, your mind may not be able to settle down for awhile. But keep it up and you'll find that there will be a time when it suddenly 'clicks'. And you will be at peace.

[scooby]

Mrbond

I missed why you thought it was important to know that h felt like I abandoned him?

[scooby]

I am having a hard time sleeping as per usual. H is asking lots of questions and then when I answer he says "ok?" or "whatever". Why ask questions if you do not like my responses or all questioning them. Ugh calgon or anyone take me away!!!!;

[Georgiabelle]

TLD,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. The key with many questions is to give simple answers, be pleasant and move on. Leave the room if necessary. Again, you must stop trying to analyze or figure out why your h says. It will drive you crazy.

Have you ever lived on your own? Are you afraid if being by yourself? I didn't write * alone* because you can be * alone* (the way you feel with others). I ask because I feel this sense of desperation in your posting. I don't say that to be harsh-it's just the vibe I get. Your old m is dead. And that's not a bad thing. I know it's very painful and difficult to accept that your life has been turned upside down.

Your life can be much, much better. That's why so much of the focus needs to be on you and your girls. You cannot flip a switch and make your h "fixed". That is on him. You did not abandon him. That issue is deep within him due to his childhood. You aren't his mother. Please try to focus on yourself and kids for your sanity. Sing at the top of your lungs in the car. Dance. Laugh so hard you cry. Skip (my D9 and I did this around the track at the park). Read. Work out. And know you will be fine with or without your h. Why? Because he has to work thru his own issues and you have one life to live (at least in this format). Enjoy it:-)

[Georgiabelle]

And I post of my phone so ignore my typos.

[scooby]

Georgia

Yes, I have lived on my own, for like 8 years without roommates before meeting and marrying h. It was difficult to get used to living with someone at first BC he smothered me. I was very much a loner when I met him. I had lost trust for all men. I also had a fiancée that had died. My h was able to break thru barrier and get me trust him. Now I feel like a fool BC he is exactly the person I NEVER wanted to marry, like all the rest of men. Ugh.

I feel horrible that what he has resented his birth mom for doing for years, he is doing to our girls. Leaving them. His birth mom did not have a choice, as dad said, you will not take kids and there was a fight involving a gun. I never believe a bad childhood could destroy adulthood until I met h. Part of him has always been broken. The only help he would respond to is talking to me, which was great, but I could not help him heal like a professional. First step mom was also very abusive and sexual abuse from step siblings.

I have slowly started to gal, which is centered around my kids. I make fun plans for us to get out of house. Now they think I am the fun one, not daddy, which breaks my heart. He still is a great dad, but his late nights with ow screw with our kids times. H just wants to nap instead of play. He does not know what to do with them other than bike and watch movies. So they are getting bored of it real quick.

He was quite the chatty Kathy tonight. I just responded with nodding head or saying ok, or something affirmative to show I was listening. Truly I was not in mood to talk. I am wondering why he did not go to ow home. I bet he gets up for a Kate night chat with her.grrr. At least he talked more and felt more at ease with me not saying much. He quizzed me about hitting punching bag, I just said I do it often. I did not want to explain again I am upset about my friends terminal illness. H was a jerk when I told him earlier. So, with him being nice tonight, I was wondering what he is up to. Sad but I do nit trust anymore.

Tomorrow girls and I are eating dinner with friend. H will be upset BC he expects us home at dinner to talk to girls and if he talks to me be rude. Also, he does not trust me and will quiz me about it and then accuse me if affair. He tends to sabotage after every therapy session I have and every time girls and I have fun.

Still cannot sleep. Need to get up for work in three hours...yuck!!!

[scooby]

I post a lot from phone too, as it is safer communication.

[scooby]

Survived another night and half way thru the day...yeah

[MrBond]

"I missed why you thought it was important to know that h felt like I abandoned him?"

It's important because due to your illness and your attention to the kids, he might have felt empty and lonely. I'm sure he didn't tell you because he probably felt guilty about bringing it up since you didn't have any control over your illness and he can't say anything about the kids since it would make him seem selfish in wanting your time over the kids. I would say for the majority of marriages, the lack of attention that a W gives her H because she gives that attention to the kids is a big problem.

Sometimes when a man complains or tries to talk to their spouse about it, the W acts as if the H is being selfish or thinks that he's trying to get her to choose between him or their children. That's not the point at all. The W needs to understand that she has to find that balance between being a mother and being a wife. The same way a man has to balance between being a father and husband.

[scooby]

MrBond

I figured out that after the fact. H said I was putting him last, but now I realize I was putting myself last. Considering he feels like I abandoned him, is there anything I can do now? I hate completely ignoring him or going dark - since that was his complaint. I don't know. It is so hard because his mind is swiss cheese lately. So do I do anything different now?

[MrBond]

Right now you can't do anything to force him to come back. You say that you've changed. Keep showing him those changes rather than talking to him about them. Continue to be a good mom and when he opens up (even if it's just to vent), listen and validate. Validate his feelings and not the actions.

It does take time. But time is on your side. Just take things one day at a time.

[scooby]

Thanks Mr Bond

Have you really been dealing with this is 2008? I feel like I am in a washing machine spinning around and the door is opened sometimes and the spinning stops, but then it starts again. I am hoping the clothes get clean soon...lol

All I know is this forum and the other one I belong to have been very helpful. I feel more calm and less scrambling. It is nice to have a place to vent.

I find it hard to talk to him when he is nice, as I think there is a motive to his madness. Everytime he has been nice it is to pump me for info for who I have talked to. So I need to work on smiling and validating what he says and not judging or just nodding head coldly. I have a hard time not being cold and a bitch to him - not my normal attitude, but am frustrated.

Thanks again!

[bluesgal]

tld-I just read through your posts today. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am so sorry any of us have to feel this pain. I am appoaching the 1 year mark since BD and my H is more distant now than ever. He is deeper in the tunnel so to speak.

I spent months thinking the fall of my M was all my fault. And I did contribute my part, but this is an unreasonable response to normal marriage ups and downs. Between that and the fact that my H has nearly abandoned his kids, almost lost his job, and has become the mirror image of his former self all led the conclusion of MLC.

After all that I still wallowed and cried and felt sorry for myself. I wanted to (and still want to) control things. Nearly one year into this, I have accepted my reality and have worked on everything in my control....ME.

My relationships with my kids, family, friends, and God have strengthened. I am working out again and fostering new and old hobbies. I have decided to stand for my M and forgive my H. I have finally let go of much of the anger I was holding onto for months. I NEVER thought I would get to this point and now realize that if I've gotten here, I know I can go even further and become stronger and happier than ever.

My goal is to slowly rebuild a friendship with my H. The details of that goal (the measureable parts) are much smaller and those will be the little things that I work for and celebrate.

Long story short, I know you will get to a better place with less worry, anxiety, and pain. Unfortunately, we have to earn those stripes and it hurts. Keep going tld-you can do this.

Some really good advice I have gotten from these fine folks on this forum:

Show your kids how to persevere in tough times

Fake it till you make it

[scooby]

Bluesgal-

Thanks for the encouragement. This formum and the other one I go to are so helpful. I had no idea how many people are going thru this craziness.

My regular percently is very much hermit like. I am a home body and do not let people in. Well this last month the kids and I have been going and doing and having a ball. It is very hard every time to walk out the door, but I feel better coming home. H works opposite shift, so I don't even have to ask him to go. But he usually turns into monster when he finds out we did something. I think it is weird that he can go and play without any of us, but I take the girls out for fun and he is upset. It is like he wants me to sit at home and pine over him. He called tonight while we were out, and yelled, I am sure he will only be worse by the time he gets home. I knew he would get mad.

My parents are trying to move here to help out with the kids. They want me to file, but understand I am not ready. It will be nice to have them so close. H is feeling threatened by it. Not sure what to say to him about it.

Blue my H is distant to. No hugs, kisses, when he passes me in kitchen he goes out of his way not to get close to me. I stopped asking for hugs, as they sucked anyhow. He has been in seperate bedroom for 4 months. He still tries fake sleep walking to be intimate, but I just say no and walk him back to his room. I don't trust that he has protected himself and don't want a STD.

I wish you luck with your H and hope that he wakes up soon. It is sad when the kids are affected. My kids really don't know yet. They think daddy is in a different room because I am sick. Never in a million years did I see my conservative religious husband go complete opposite and in such a short time.

[scooby]

I am getting ready for the firing squad when H gets home in 2 hours for work he is going to be mad. I took the girls out to dinner with a friend, and he is mad he did not know. He already yelled on the phone. Maybe he will go to OW house tongight after work. I am thinking I am going to have to say I don't want to discuss while he is mad and leave the room several times....UGH

[MrBond]

And what was his reason for getting mad?

[scooby]

He does not have a reason. He is a controller, so it is him losing control.

[MrBond]

"He does not have a reason. He is a controller, so it is him losing control."

That's you mindreading. It's what got you here in the first place. Sure there are times that people get agitated and angry. But most of the time they have a reason. Maybe it's because he's frustrated at the situation. Maybe he feels left out. Whatever. Rather than assuming things, try thinking if there is a motive behind it.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi tld,

Your h may have a reason for being angry - see what he says, be a good listener, validate.

I saw this behavior with my h, this getting mad when I did things with our boys.

At first, he was so out in left field and never home, that he didn't seem to care what we did.

But as time went on, and he realized we weren't going to be sitting at home waiting for him , he didn't like it too much. MLCers will try to control you, control a situation. I have seen that they want to do what they want when they want and not answer to anybody, yet know your every move.

Live your life, do fun things with the kids - don't be afraid of doing things with them because he will be mad.

Otoh, don't purposely exclude him either. If he's around, invite him to go, but don't expect it. They can feel isolated from their family to begin with, try not to add to it.

Hope this helps!

[scooby]

So today I don't feel like standing I feel like filing. H came home in middle of night and woke me up yelling. I am not supposed to do anything with girls unless I have approval. It has never been that way, especially when he us at work. I invite him if he is off work. But I have always had freedom while he us at work. Ugh. He gets upset if I do nothing ir something.

[MrBond]

Ah but you see it's him trying to exert control. MLCers like your H feel the need to control everything. When he does that, hold your hand up and tell him that he is not allowed to talk to you like that any longer. That as long as he is with another woman and does not treat you with respect, you are not obligated to do whatever he demands. Then walk away whistling.

He will threaten and throw a tantrum, but just shake your head in pity. Imagine him like a child throwing a tantrum and not getting what he wants. Put your foot down early. Get legal representation if necessary to outline it all to him. Document the times he gets angry at you and if necessary, call the police on him to show him you mean business.

[scooby]

Mr Bond-

You mean business. I understand what you are saying, but I am a wimp. Last night I told him he could not talk to me that way and left the room. I went thru several times of saying that and several rooms before he got the hint. Anytime I say anything about OW - he is in denial they are just friends. He would be fired if Ow was found out. How can I call the police if he is just following me around the house nagging me - doesn't he have to be hitting me? I also am terrified what he will do if I push his buttons too much. He says when his work thing is over he is going to divorce me - and I believe him. He is living in delusional land thinking he can save his job and get his enemies fired and then be with his OW. Right now the OW is a big secret, but people have suspensions. If he would not lose his job I would tell on him.

I am not sure how to show I mean business without getting the retaliation. I knew he was going to be pissed at me, but not that pissed. He has been gentle lately as he needs me for this whole work thing - which I have not figured out why because he is telling me nothing. He thinks he has a case however - delusional land?

I will try standing up to him Mr Bond. Thanks for helping me as always.

[MrBond]

The way you get him to stop treating you like that it by not allowing him to talk to you like that. When you tell him to back off, look at him straight in the eye, square your shoulders, back straight and upright. Do it from a position of confidence and strength and not out of fear.

[Takevowsserious]

It seems your h is using intimidation to try and control you. Don't let him.

You are the girl's mother, you have every right to spend time with them and do things with them. You don't need your H's approval or permission to do so.

I understand about the h and ow working together, as that is my situation as well. I will warn you, they do become extremely protective and defensive of the ow. Don't say anything about her if you can help it. This only adds to the drama, and draws them closer together.

While I wouldn't recommend getting involved in the huge mess your h is creating at work - and trust me, he is, he just doesn't realize it yet - I wouldn't worry about protecting him from the work related consequences of his affair. He and ow may be living in fantasy land, but I guarantee their coworkers are not.

Focus on you and the girls. He is way out there right now...

[bluesgal]

tld-Just say what you did, walk away. If he follows you, you can always grab the kids and go grab a couple of groceries or go to the park. Show him that if he treats you that way, you'll leave. You can bring the kids with if you need to. No need to alarm them. "Oops, I forgot we need some milk/bread/whatever, come on guys, lets run to the store together. Then leave. That simple. You don't have to bring up OW.

It might take some time, but tld you need to find your strength and you will. And when you do, you'll feel powerful and less out of control and your life will change within this sitch.

[scooby]

Mr Bond-

Thanks it is time for me to practice wonder woman stance. It is amazing how powerful you feel after doing it for 2 minutes. Thanks for the ideas and support.

Takevowserious-

Yes husband has always been about intimidation. I did not see it until I started detaching, but now realize it has been there the whole time I really want to tell on them at work as they are doing dumb stuff and it is endangering lives - very not cool With the high morals I have it is hard to stand back. They work evening shift, so it is unlikely they will be caught...ugh. Thanks for the advice

Bluesgal-

Thanks for the idea. However when we fight I am usually on my own. He gets home from work at 11pm (if he does not hang with OW.) Last night he got home at 3am and woke me up to be a pain. So I can't wake kids in middle of night to retreat. I do have family that hopefully is moving down the street, so that will help. Thanks for the advice.

Everyone-

It is so hard to watch him carry on with OW and say they are just friends. He is over there every morning while I'm at work and kids are in school. Then at work with her 3 to 4 days a week. Then they hang out after work on talk on phone until 2 to 4 am. I don't say anything, bc there is no point - they are just friends right - ugh I do not have idiot written across my face. H is pursuing her hard just like he did me before we got married. He says he wants a divorce when work thing is figured out and I believe him. He has MLC, depression, and showing signs of bipolar Sometimes I feel like giving up, but the look at Ds 7 and 5 and cannot. He started us down this road, if he wants a divorce he can do it. In the meantime he is taking financial risks - $4000 for lawyer for work and then $300 tattoo, that is butt ugly. I feel so bad bc he is gunning for one of my friends at his work, and she has no idea. I wondering what he has left to do on his MLC bucket list. He has done - swearing, drinking, smoking, tattoo, porn, ea and pa, lying - what is left? I am starting to detach a little from his life with OW (he says it is his life and kids not for me to enter - right the girls are with him when he is at her house drinking in middle of night - what a dumb A.) The problem is that when I detach and he wants to have a conversation I am a royal bitch instead of nice. I cannot seem to flip it both ways. Did anyone have problems with this?

I actually am looking for some free lawyer advice about this whole work issue. The only lawyers I have seen or know or family law not employment. I want to know what I am up against, and if I need to file to protect kids and I financially. Anyone here a lawyer?

This is such a crazy soap opera mixed with a game of chess that sometimes I have to laugh. The other night when I caught him watching porn I busted up laughing and could not stop, it felt good. H did not know how to respond.

Does this really last 2 to 7 years? Those that are past a year - how in the world do you do it?

[LiveNow]

tld -- I've found we HAVE to maintain a sense of humor about all of this. It's a really good way to deal with it. And someday, we'll look back on it all and have a good, long belly laugh. This board makes me laugh daily. (So does my MLC H, these days, though it took a while for me to get to where I could laugh about it.) It really helps. Hang in there, and I'm sorry I don't have any lawyerly advice for you...

[scooby]

Thanks Live now-

I never thought I would laugh about H watching porn, but I thought that he had done the worst, and I was wrong. LOL I also thought his PA with OW must not be satisfying enough. H was embarrassed that I caught him watching porn and stumped as to why I would laugh. I do have a sarcastic funny sense of humor.

I have been journaling since the beginning and am thinking I may have a best seller...LOL. No one would believe it is a true story though - too crazy to be real.

I am so thankful I have found the 2 forums that I am currently on. My family and friends just do not understand, but they try to be supportive. Honestly if I were them, I would tell them to stop and file too. I am just not a quitter and never have been. I told H the last time he said he wanted a divorce that it is just a piece of paper and does not mean anything to me. It made him upset - and he did not know how to respond.

Now I am stumped because H has been being super nice to me - except last night in the middle of the night. For the last 4 months when he is nice, it means he is up to something. It is so bad that I do not trust him. Maybe it is that I am finally branching out and GAL. He does not like the losing control of me doing what I want. All my GAL involves my kids. All his GAL involves his bottom feeder friends and drinking, while I am the babysitter at home. I don't mind because I am a great mom. H even says you are great mom and a very nice person, that is what makes it so hard. What a maroon!

Hope everyone is doing well, and find something to laugh about. It does make you feel better!

[Georgiabelle]

TLD,

A sense of humor is imperative. My h says I ruined his life. When I met him tonight, ( I know this isn't DB friendly ) I reminded him after he said something that he said he would be dead at 50. He always said he was going to die before 50. Now he says, that he never said that. Only said that if he stayed with me. I said," Great! I guess you will live to be 100:)"

Hang in there.

[Takevowsserious]

Yep, keep that sense of humor, it will get you through a lot

I work for the same company as my h and ow, but at a different location. So, I do hear things through the grapevine...
Affair partners can be so wrapped up in each other and their drama, they really don't see how obvious they are. They think they are so slick! But people know, and don't approve.

They are the ones that have to deal with people thinking less of them - a loss of respect from their peers - a tarnished personal and professional reputation. All by their own doing...

Yes, I would be skeptical if he's being too nice - could mean he's up to something. Be pleasant and nice, but keep your guard up.

I know detaching is hard, but GAL really is the key. Try getting a sitter to do some things kid-free. It doesn't have to be anything major... Go to dinner with a friend, see a movie, take a walk, whatever. You deserve some time to relax and recharge your batteries too.

If the intimidation has been in your M for awhile, maybe that's a 180 for you - standing up for yourself, but not get sucked into a confrontation. You can do it. It will be hard at first, but don't give up.

You asked about how long this lasts. It does seem to take years for if/when they make it through. But I think that 2-7 years timeline includes the denial and anger phases, which could have been going on long before you got bombed.

I know it seems overwhelming to think of it in terms of years. Instead, try making short term goals for yourself. I remember being so happy to get to a new month. Plan fun things to do so you have something to look forward to. Make special occasions really nice for your kids, plan things with friends and family.

Time goes faster when we're not focused on them

[scooby]

Georgaibelle-

Thanks for the good laugh. Somedays all I can do is laugh because my life has turned so crazy. This always makes me laugh when I am feeling down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwqA5UeREKc

[scooby]

Takevowsserious-

I am sorry that you work at the same company, at least it is a different location. Can they be fired for their affair?

I have not figured out why he is being so nice. He actually talked to me when he called the girls tonight. That has happened like 3 times in 6 months. Maybe he feels guilty for monstering in the middle of the night - but I think there is more to it. Last time he was nice, he watched a movie with me only to pump me for information after. UGH! I must have I am a dumb sh...t written on my head...NOT! This was his first trouble at work, he wanted to know who I talked to as I have friends at his work as well.

I will have opportunity to have GAL with friends soon. I have family moving to town that can watch the kids. I have to be very careful what I do as H has mentioned he is gathering evidence on me. I have done nothing, but considering he lies like a rug - no telling what he is going to do.

Good idea on the 180. I never thought about standing up for myself. I will probably have to say something, and then leave the room, as he has a short temper.

I cannot believe 2 to 7 years is the norm. I will be ancient before he recovers....UGH! I am not sure how long he was in MLC before BD. He has issues with depression so it is hard to decipher exactly. I know it was at least 4 months before. Actually when I think of it these 6 months have been painful, but have gone by fast. Wish I could get a crystal ball and skip 7 years and be done with this insaneness.

Thanks for all your help!

[scooby]

ha Ha! H just texted me asking if I am having a affair. Looks like he is projecting his guilt. What a dumb sh$$t!

[job]

It could be that you have been doing something different and he's trying to figure out why. The first thing that popped into his head is that you must be having an affair and yes, he's projecting a bit.

You may want to do a search and locate HRM134's postings. Her h never left home and she did an excellent job of living in the home w/him. Now mind you, he drove her a bit nuts, but the last time she posted, they were finally communicating better and things were moving along nicely.

[scooby]

Thanks job! I am wondering what is up because he has been in a very good mood this week and a chatty Kathy. I don't trust this. I am having a hard time chatting back. I just nod my head and listen. With the trying to detach - I find that when I interact with him, I have a hard time turning off the detaching. I have been detaching from his ea and pa with OW - and anything about that. I almost feel like a B???H UGH - all this is so hard!

[LiveNow]

Hey tld - How many times has your H said he wants a divorce? Mine has done it 4 times now, in 10 months. Still has never uttered the 'D' word, though...This truly is emotional torture.

[scooby]

Livenow-

He has said divorce at least a dozen in six months. I have not counted I am pretty sure he means it. He is just waiting to figure out work. I think the only thing that would change his mind is if relationship with OW broke up - he says they are just friends. Yeah right - he spends more time with her than his family.

[BrightFuture]

My H mentioned the D word last year (exactly a year ago actually.) It never came up again. But we barely talk. So far I don’t see any movements towards D. It could be a surprise though.

[scooby]

BF -

Thanks for the encouragement. I am pretty sure he means it that he is going to divorce me when his work situation is over. Only thing is, there might not be any money left at that point. Too bad for him...LOL

[scooby]

H no longer lets me know that he is going to be late coming home. He used to let me know he was going to OW house (his BFF - whatever) I just let it ride, as I would feel silly calling or texting "where are you?" I wonder why he stopped informing. H is trying to be sneaker and lying about all things now. Honestly the lies are getting to be more transparent. LOL

At this minute I feel like filing, but like him I change my mind on this every minute. There are too many unknowns right now to file. I also do not want to hurt my kids - as he will play victim with his friends and my kids.

I have to say that I am very worried about H. He is not close to his family, and really became part of my family. His only friend has been ignoring him lately. His 3 new friends are acquired since his MLC last few months - one of them is OW. These 3 friends are trailer trash. My H has history of depression. Here is what I am worried about that his OW (who is ring leader of friends) if she breaks up with him - he will have nothing. I have been warned about his mental unstablity. So I worry suicide or he could harm me and kids. I may be worrying about nothing - but it does make it uneasy.

Hope everyone has a great Friday.

[Georgiabelle]

Scooby,

The friends your h acquires are his. This is his journey to own and all that goes with it. Focus on you.


Take care:-)

[scooby]

Georgia-

Thanks. I am doing better at focusing on me. I did not realize how many years I neglected myself. I am now realizing I am a follower and now am learning to be a leader.

Love, love, love your quote.

[scooby]

Had an ok day. Saw more of h due to him having day off. Strange thing is I was not in mood to he around him. Today when he gave kids kisses and hugs I got disgusted BC I see him as tainted from being with ow. This can't be good thoughts. Anyone else had these? What did you do to overcome it?

[scooby]

Had to change name as someone was getting nosy. I am starting to get better at GAL. The thing is that H does not like me GAL. He has had some very short comments to me. It is so unfair he is having an EA and PA and I am supposed to stay home with the kids and do nothing. I think I am going thru an angry stage. He seems to be on my last nerve lately - which is not common for me at all.

Did anyone that is further along go thru an angry stage?

[scooby]

I actually have made it this far in the day without crying! WOW! This is something new. I will probably make up for it tomorrow.

H is being more monster lately. I have been working on detaching from his R with OW and GAL. Now that sometimes we are not home when he calls - he gets really pissy. In the meantime, I am having a hard time with small talk. I am mad at him and I just nod my head or give short one word responses. He keeps asking me what is wrong. I fake a smile and say nothing.

I have a had a lot going on with work and family lately also. He is getting mad because he feels uninvolved. Well when he is at OW house all the time, what does he expect. He is never here to tell him anything. He overheard me on the phone and asked me about it - it was a business deal that is being worked on but not a for sure deal. I told him it was not for sure yet. H blew up, "is that the way it is going to be now." I am realizing that he is very controlling now. It is not fair that he can go out all hours with OW and his other new friends, and I cannot take the girls to the store, out for dinner, or talk on the phone without seeing monster. At least he is noticing me...RIGHT?

I keep on doing reading, and keep going into circles about what to do. It is so hard because when H said he was done trying 6 months ago - he meant it. Since then he has moved to other bedroom, and will not touch me. It is like we are roommates. I believe that he is being honest about the divorce when he figures out his situation. However, I also believe that if OW was gone, he would reconsider. The month she went back to her boyfriend, he started to come back to me. Which makes me think maybe it is not MLC. But he is completely 180 of what he was 7 months ago. UGH!!! I HATE HATE HATE this!

The other thing that bothers me is I know that he would not do the same that I am doing. His family is very easy to give up on things. If I were having a MLC - he would leave week 1. Why am I bending over backwards - when he would not.

I also worry because H has always had issues with depression. He has quit IC and he only has 3 friends right now. They are divorced woman that are new as of his MLC. They are older but act like they are in 20s, drinking and partying tons. H is having EA and PA with one of them. I worry that when his relationship dissolves with OW, he is going to hurt himself or others or fall into a deep depression. he had a crappy childhood that he has not dealt with at all. He needs to be healthy for the kids. UGH! I think I worry to much.

[scooby]

I actually have made it this far in the day without crying! WOW! This is something new. I will probably make up for it tomorrow.

H is being more monster lately. I have been working on detaching from his R with OW and GAL. Now that sometimes we are not home when he calls - he gets really pissy. In the meantime, I am having a hard time with small talk. I am mad at him and I just nod my head or give short one word responses. He keeps asking me what is wrong. I fake a smile and say nothing.

I have a had a lot going on with work and family lately also. He is getting mad because he feels uninvolved. Well when he is at OW house all the time, what does he expect. He is never here to tell him anything. He overheard me on the phone and asked me about it - it was a business deal that is being worked on but not a for sure deal. I told him it was not for sure yet. H blew up, "is that the way it is going to be now." I am realizing that he is very controlling now. It is not fair that he can go out all hours with OW and his other new friends, and I cannot take the girls to the store, out for dinner, or talk on the phone without seeing monster. At least he is noticing me...RIGHT?

I keep on doing reading, and keep going into circles about what to do. It is so hard because when H said he was done trying 6 months ago - he meant it. Since then he has moved to other bedroom, and will not touch me. It is like we are roommates. I believe that he is being honest about the divorce when he figures out his situation. However, I also believe that if OW was gone, he would reconsider. The month she went back to her boyfriend, he started to come back to me. Which makes me think maybe it is not MLC. But he is completely 180 of what he was 7 months ago. UGH!!! I HATE HATE HATE this!

The other thing that bothers me is I know that he would not do the same that I am doing. His family is very easy to give up on things. If I were having a MLC - he would leave week 1. Why am I bending over backwards - when he would not.

I also worry because H has always had issues with depression. He has quit IC and he only has 3 friends right now. They are divorced woman that are new as of his MLC. They are older but act like they are in 20s, drinking and partying tons. H is having EA and PA with one of them. I worry that when his relationship dissolves with OW, he is going to hurt himself or others or fall into a deep depression. he had a crappy childhood that he has not dealt with at all. He needs to be healthy for the kids. UGH! I think I worry to much.

[scooby]

He is close to an hour coming home late from work. I got the easter baskets ready. But I suppose he will come in from lame excuse for being late and be pissed I did the baskets. I suppose I am need to stay up until middle of night when he gets home to do the baskets. What an idiot! I am not sure why I keep on trying - well part of it is our kids are too young to go thru this. My oldest would never recover from us getting a divorce. I really hate how people say kids get over it! Ummmm - yeah the adults should work it out. H is so ready to throw his hands in the air so easily. He would like me to believe he has been working on saving us for years. When was I going to find out that he was so unhappy. My counselor says it is common for MLCer to say they were unhappy from honeymoon period on (which is 2 to 3 years into the marriage.)

[scooby]

The thing is that he turns his anger on and off. He rarely yells at me in front of kids. It probably is BC we rarely are around kids together at same time due to working opposite shifts. He can be so negative towards me, then answer his phone and be nice. I am the one that gets all the meanness.

I know I need to set boundaries, but not sure where to start. I have been concentrating on gal and detaching. He does not even admit to ow, they are just friends. He is starting to put her ahead of kids. It is so sad BC he was such a great dad. Ugh!; grrrr! rutrow!;!

Did anyone have to set boundaries while spouse was still in house? If so, where did you start?

[scooby]

I am disgusted by him having ea and pa. I want to be intimate with him, but have not since it would be disgusting. Weird huh - I want to be with him, but am disgusted by it. The OW is like McDonald's 1 billion served. When I think of both of us being with someone else it makes me sick to my stomach. How can he do this to me? We said vows and it is just supposed to be us together.

What have all of you done to block this out of your mind or deal with it?

[mleigh4]

Hi scooby

I, too, am disgusted by my H behavior. I also go through the how's and why's. I sometimes still can't believe what is happening or how we even got here. Then my focus started changing from H to my own feelings towards him. I have lost so much respect for H, his lack of respect for our M and vows. I honestly wonder, could I ever feel close to him again? If he all of a sudden said let's work on this, do I really want to at this point? Focusing on my own thought and feelings inside of Me, not his but mine, has helped me to detach and keeps me mentally busy while also exploring my wants and needs.

I hope that helps.

[scooby]

MLeigh-

Thanks for the advice. I am trying hard to work on detaching and GAL. Sometimes I am really good, and then I have not so good moments. It is so hard to watch him destroy everything he has and not even care because he is so selfish. And then I wonder, do he even know how crazy he is being? I will start to think of me and kids more - hopefully that will help.

[scooby]

Hello - Hope everyone had a happy Easter.

I got to see the monster today and he was at work. YEAH! So here is the story. I have been working hard on GAL and detaching. A mutual friend of ours invited us over for Easter, H could not go because he was at work. He knew where we would be and about the time. I had my phone on silence and did not pay attention to it because I was having so much fun. Normally lately when I with H, I am on phone as distraction, as he is on phone to OW texting. So he called his normal time and I did not answer, and he sent a few texts. So I sent a text saying the girls were outside having fun. He then called our friends house asking about me. Then we left late and he called while we were traveling and I do not answer phone while driving. Before we got home, he called our friend looking for us. He said I want to know where my kids are each time. It is like he does not want me to GAL, and he got more and more paranoid tonight because I was not talking to him. Then he got home told me he was annoyed. I told him my phone was on silence and it would have been rude to answer the phone during Easter dinner. Then he brought up that I got a text during our dinner the other night. I told him it does not matter it is in the past and we cannot change tonight and I am done with it. Then he went and got his booze and left with OW. Now I get a text that he is blowing off steam and will be home later. Whatever. He has not sent me a text of what he was doing after work for a couple weeks now. What gives? This is crazier behavior that I have seen before. It is like he wants complete control over me.

I am so confused and pissed. How dare he expect me to be at his beck and call. That is 2 nights this week that he has freaked out. Maybe he thinks I am running away, because he has been such an arse lately.

So those that have been through this or those looking from outside what in the world is going on? What does this mean? UGH...HELP?

[LiveNow]

I don't know scooby, but I would just keep doing what you're doing. Maybe your DB'ing and GAL'ing is starting to work? He's getting annoyed that you're not paying as much attention to him, perhaps? The pursuit and distance cycle...let him think you're too occupied to get annoyed by him for a while...

[job]

He expects you to be right where he left you 24/7. Continue moving forward and doing what you've been doing. Little Boy Blue needs to learn that life doesn't sit still while he's playing in the parade.

Keep the focus on you and your family.

[kml]

You might consider saying - nicely, calmly - "You know H, I notice that lately you've been very concerned about getting hold of me when I'm out doing things. You must realize that once you divorce me, you will not be privy to all my comings and goings. If that bothers you, perhaps you should rethink this affair you are having."

[scooby]

Live

Thanks. I have been struggling on what to do. He us so into ow ( he claims they are only friends...not). He spends like 16 hours a day four days a week with her and the other days about four. The lies are about 90% now, and they are about even dumb things. He has changed so much in six months. The affair is ea and pa. Somedays the only thing that keeps me here is the kids. The only commandment left for him to break is murder...ugh.

Now he is getting mad because he thinks I am texting all the time. I am blogging though...LOL. I am now being accused of an affair. Joy!! I did not realize how controlling he is until now

[scooby]

Job


H is having a tough time BC I am a homebody. I told him the kids and I are getting out BC I need the freedom. I cannot believe he will keep calling or texting when I don't answer. Also calling friends when I don't answer. This is off the charts right? Did any of your spouses get this crazy? Yes he usually calls in afternoon and then we talk before kids go to sleep. But if I don't answer leave a dang message. It means kids and I are having fun.

I feel bad that I am laughing that he got upset. Two nights in one week same behavior. He is also accusing me of an affair...LMAO. Apparently me blogging on phone looks like texting...ha ha

[scooby]

Kml


Live, love, love what you said. He still is saying no affair, just friends. I wonder how he would feel if I had a male friend I spent all my time with? Today he is on my dumb arse list...LMAO

[AJM]

I haven't read your entire situation. I assure you it's no laughing matter what he's going through, but honestly if you didn't laugh at some of it, you'd be the one to break that last commandment

That struck a chord with me. I remember having those thoughts with my ex - was there a commandment she didn't break? I don't know how she treated her parents and she wasn't arrested for murder, so I'm guessing there's a few..

Did any of your spouses get this crazy?

LOL. You should really read the archives at some point. You'll find that crazy is a subjective term. You may also find that there are far worse out there than your H

Try not to feel bad about the way you feel. I remember feeling bad when my ex left. I felt bad because I was relieved she was gone. I felt guilty about feeling that way. Go figure...

And yes, the controlling part is a pain. But if you think about it, it actually does make a little sense - I mean, if your world was falling apart at the rivets wouldn't you try to control what you could? I submit that many of us do exactly that when the BD is delivered and then spend a lot of time learning not to control anything but ourselves.

Peace,
AJ