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Job

Thanks so much. I am still second guessing the mlc I think. My therapist has said that is what it is. H therapist that he quit does not believe in mlc, just wants a divorce and has some mental issues and be careful.

So I will hang back and be his friend and take his lead. His lead right now is I will talk to you, but don't come near me. I just want to grab and hug BC I can see he us struggling. Everyone says it will work out in end, but is [censored] not knowing what end will be.

Mrbond. I am curious y the abandonment sparked something. Let me know.

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tld, hang in there. You are doing fine. I cannot really answer the questions above, but there are lots of great 'MLC resources' on this site about the various stages of MLC. (I might have them memorized by now, though!) Family and friends look at me like 'How long are you gonna take this from him?' If they love you, they'll stand behind you. They may not help right now, but they will be there for you.

I'm not deeply religious, but I sure have gotten more so this past year. I will pray for you, your health, and your job situation. After being laid off twice in my career, I know the feeling. But, both of those experiences? They each turned out to be a GOOD thing in the long run -- indeed part of a greater plan for my life. Perhaps this MLC drama is also part of a greater plan?


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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TLD,

Livenow makes a great point. It really does(Expletive). However, MLC does happen for a reason.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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So now when h is overly nice, I wonder why and don't trust it. The last time he wad nice he wad pumping me for information. He claims he does not trust me and I don't trust him. How are we supposed to be friends if there is no trust? How do we raise the kids if there is no trust? How do I hope for reconciliation if there is no trust?

This mlc [censored]!! I feel like I am in a long nightmare and want to wake up now. Grrrrr

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Ugh...i am trying to not call or text him and need to detach. He left st 11 like normal to go to her house. He left the movie rental up on the computer. It hurts to think he is watching a movie with her, things we used to do together that we don't anymore. I was asleep on the couch and he didn't even wake me to tell me he had gone. How am I going to get thru this? What does ow have that I don't? How do people detach from this? This [censored]!!!!!!!!!

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tld,
You need to breathe! You are very new at this rodeo and like I have said before, there will be ups and there will be downs. As to whether your h is in MLC, is a WAS or has a personality disorder, there's nothing you can do about it except to live your life for you and your children.

When you have a live in spouse in crisis, it is far harder to deal w/because they are in your space 24/7 and you get to hear and see all of their crazy making behaviors. It's difficult to detach when they live at home, but it can be done. As I've mentioned before...you treat them as roommate and friendship comes along later. You can't force a relationship on them...they have to want it too.

How will you get thru this? One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute, second, etc. You focus on the here and now and put the past in a box and store it away. The future is not ours to figure out because the present is all we need to live in at the moment.

Your h is acting like a teenager and until you finally figure it out and understand that you have no control over him and he's going to do what he needs to do to get through his crisis. You are no longer on his radar as a spouse, but someone standing in his way of happiness. I'm sorry that I'm blunt, but it's the truth. In his mind, the marriage, you, family and responsibilities are holding him back. What do you do? Detach, live your life as if he's gone away for a while and the man that is living w/you is a new roommate. Learn to accept him for who he is today and not who he was. Expectations have to remain at zero at all times because he's not going to be the same. In fact, he will become the mirror image of the man you once knew. Learn to rely on yourself, family and friends for support and strength during this time. His crisis will not kill you...but it will make you stronger and wiser beyond your years. Now breathe!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job-

Thanks for the encouragement! I was so pissed this morning I was ready to file for divorce, which is new for me. Do people stand and file for their own divorce? Logically I cannot do it right now - there are too many unknowns. The unknowns are: he is in danger of losing his job, my company is being bought out and I find out this fall if I have a job, my family moving to help me, his possible lawsuit, and I don't want his new bottom feeder trailer trash friends around my kids. I also do not want to upset my kids. At this point he started us down this road - he can finish it. He seems pretty determined to get a divorce after his work situation is complete, but that could be awhile. For his work trouble it is to his advantage that we are married and I believe he is just friends with OW, or he would be fired and if it goes to court could perjure himself.

One of my friends suggested that I ask him to always drive car even when he carpools with OW. I don't think I want that because she is so uncomfortable when she comes over. She does not get out of the car and is always trying to avoid eye contact - looking at floor of car. I also don't want to give him the power that she bothers me. Right now he thinks I believe they are just friends - if I knew anything else he would be fired. So should I tell him to always park at her house?

Also, the kids have been wanting to go to a movie. I want to take them this weekend but he works. I am trying hard to GAL - but I don't want to peeve him off in the process, as he has a bad temper and retaliates. Should I say nothing and take the kids to the movie? Ask if he wants to go and then plan as a family event on his day off? Tell him that we are going to the movie? I know there is a lot of thought in this. But if I do the wrong thing he will go monster and start using the kids, which we have been able to avoid.

It is so hard to stand and detach at times. Some moments I am good and giddy, and others I cannot move and am crying my eyes out. Thanks for all the strength that everyone is giving me! It really helps!1!

I got some bad news today. My friend of 20 years that has been with me since the beginning of this nonsense, knew me before I met my husband is terminal. I came home crying for work, and of course H had to know what was up. I told him and he said he has been sick for so long, why did it take so long to catch. No I'm sorry, no hug, no I know this is difficult. He was a butt and very cold! How can someone that would do anything for me 6 months ago be such a mean person? UGH

Thanks againg everyone:)

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scooby Offline OP
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Is it ok to post in more than one area? Why don't I have access to leave messages?

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You can post more than in one area, however it's easier to stick with one so people can track your progress.

So again your above post shows you concentrating on your H. In what ways have YOU changed? What are YOUR goals?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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MrBond-

Once again you are right. I am having a hard time moving the focus to myself from H. I am still working on soidifying my changes. But so far - I am doing more activities with the girls while he is at work instead of waiting for his day off. I try to do something small with girls everyday after school, and then lots on weekends. If it is his weekend off I invite him along. Physically I got a new hairstyle and highlights - which felt good. I have not done highlights since before I got pregnant with my 7 year old. I have started to run, walk and ride bikes again. I have gotten into reading a ton. I am learning to tone up cooking - which needs a lot of work. I have gotten back into my cleaning routines that I had prior to kids, but now the kids help me smile I also do not necessarily stay up to see H when he comes home at night. I would like to tone up my body and start boxing with H punching bag (actually want to put his picture up and punch it a few million times...LOL) So I am making small changes.

The goals are hard for me. I have read both DB books, but I scrammble to make my goals and then get easily frustrated. A lot of my goals center around H, and how to get him back, which I gather is not the right thing to do. MrBond or anyone can you give me some help with these, as I am lost at this point? I am finding that my losing a lot of weight and being tube fed, and the lack of sleep is hurting the way I think and react to things. Still having trouble gaining with tube feedings. H said he cancelled first lawyer due to how sick I am. HELP ME???? Where did you start with goals, I seem to center them on getting him back and not on GAL goals.

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