5 months of heck...ugh

[whytry]

Tld I might have put my W in mlc. Lol. I was horrid. We aren't to R yet but I'm making lots of personal progress and she is happier with heraelf. I still foresee months and months of work

[scooby]

Whytry-

What do you mean you were horrid to your wife? ARe you sure that you are not believe that "Everything is my spouse fault" saying. I have had a hard time ignoring that one, as I know I was not the perfect wife. After reading relationship books I know where I went wrong and right.

Is your W out of the tunnel yet? Are you living together?

[whytry]

Tld, we were young and of course not perfect. She was innocent until we met in college and S born beforehand. She will probably agree she was not perfect W. I do remember many fights at first (started by each) but I can promise in almost every instance I escalated language and/or went too far verbally. Luckily I'm not physical but I would assume she lived with that thought. When younger I would grab an axe and chop down dozens of mesquites as my outlet to cool off. The horrid part was because during our whole marriage her heart was bright as a star and I was always jealous of that. She cares without concern for the hurt it might have caused her. I knew that fact and did hurt her emotionally knowing she would love me and show me kindness. Granted she did have her moments as all do but they were few and far between so I bare the bulk of responsibility

[whytry]

tld, not out of the woods yet so to speak. we have miles and miles to go as my newest posts demonstrates. We are still in our home although she in our daughters room and only says she's staying until she can afford to move.

[scooby]

WhyTry

I am sorry that you find yourself here. I have been dealing with this crap since November 2013. I keep hoping that I am going to wake up from this nightmare. Because one person is being selfish it affects a multitude of people. It makes me sad, mad, angry, confused, delirious, exhausted, and many other things.

I hope that communcation is getting better in your relationship. I hope that it is getting easier to follow DBing rules. I am still struggling very much.

I am tired of hearing I am done I want a divorce and everything is my fault...ugh. It got tired after 1 week. And now I have to deal with the constant question OW things you hate her - do you? UMMMMMMMMMMMM - he won't even admit she is OW. I just say I don't know her and I don't hate people and I have answered this before - now I ignore the question or say it was answered a long time ago. Sometimes I think H wants me and OW to fight over him. The problem is that I don't know who him is anymore, and not sure if we would work together anymore.

[MrBond]

All I've read in your posts is about your H being selfish and his A, etc. But I don't remember seeing you write about the things he complained about the M in detail. You just said that he felt abandoned for 10 years. In what way? When the kids were born, did you spend more time with them than him? Jumping straight into LRT just means that you agree with the D. It certainly doesn't sound that you are.

[scooby]

He complained of abandonment for 10 years. 10 years ago would be after honeymoon period ended. My therapist says it is often in these cases that they start complaining things went bad 2 or 3 years after marriage started, and to not believe it as it is the blame game. Also, 10 years ago we started working opposite shifts in preparation for having kids, so to not use daycare. I would NOT recommend working opposite shifts to anyone no matter how strong the marriage is. I also have a lifetime illness where I can have nausea and/or diarrhea, because of this I would say no to intimacy at times. It was too much for H to handle. First he could not handle the illness and could not handle hearing no sometimes. Other things are that I am indecisive, I twitch my legs always, and he was coming last. He went into a tail spin last summer when our youngest started school. It was 7 years he had a kid to take care of in the mornings, and he did not know what to do. He went into full blown depression, but would not go to dr or for IC. Instead he is going thru MLC and choosing new bottom feeders for friends and OW is in this group.

[scooby]

UGH...OW is off work so H disappears. I am going to go goof around with my friend for a bit. He must think I am an idiot to think they are just friends. I did not say anything when he said I am going to go goof around for a bit, I just smiled, but he did not see it as he has not been able to look me in the face for months.. Normally I say ok have fun, but not in the mood for it. I have family visiting and he decided he did not want to join us today, and then had a fit like a 2 year old that we were gone most of the day. UGH!!!

When does the nonsense stop! I know that I am venting but the important part is that I did not vent at him. I just kept my cool. Do MLCers really go thru this for years?

[MrBond]

"we started working opposite shifts in preparation for having kids, so to not use daycare. I would NOT recommend working opposite shifts to anyone no matter how strong the marriage is."

So that is a valid problem.

"I also have a lifetime illness where I can have nausea and/or diarrhea, because of this I would say no to intimacy at times. It was too much for H to handle."

It's understandable why he would feel that way.

"First he could not handle the illness and could not handle hearing no sometimes."

I don't think you understand. Rather than him hearing 'no' and you expecting him to deal with it, it doesn't seem as if you were too understanding from your part. If he felt rejected, what else was he to do?

"Other things are that I am indecisive, I twitch my legs always, and he was coming last."

Did you put him last?

"He went into a tail spin last summer when our youngest started school. It was 7 years he had a kid to take care of in the mornings, and he did not know what to do."

And how much did you help him? Did you try to understand and empathize with him?

"He went into full blown depression, but would not go to dr or for IC."

Rather than expecting him to get help, how much did YOU help him during this transition?

"Instead he is going thru MLC and choosing new bottom feeders for friends and OW is in this group."

Although I see this as part MLC, I see it also as a guy who is looking for direction and someone who looking for someone to believe and understand him.

How much of that have you done and changed yourself? You might think he's depressed, but just think. What have you changed to change the dynamic so that your situation is something he WANTS to come back to?

[MrBond]

"we started working opposite shifts in preparation for having kids, so to not use daycare. I would NOT recommend working opposite shifts to anyone no matter how strong the marriage is."

So that is a valid problem.

"I also have a lifetime illness where I can have nausea and/or diarrhea, because of this I would say no to intimacy at times. It was too much for H to handle."

It's understandable why he would feel that way.

"First he could not handle the illness and could not handle hearing no sometimes."

I don't think you understand. Rather than him hearing 'no' and you expecting him to deal with it, it doesn't seem as if you were too understanding from your part. If he felt rejected, what else was he to do?

"Other things are that I am indecisive, I twitch my legs always, and he was coming last."

Did you put him last?

"He went into a tail spin last summer when our youngest started school. It was 7 years he had a kid to take care of in the mornings, and he did not know what to do."

And how much did you help him? Did you try to understand and empathize with him?

"He went into full blown depression, but would not go to dr or for IC."

Rather than expecting him to get help, how much did YOU help him during this transition?

"Instead he is going thru MLC and choosing new bottom feeders for friends and OW is in this group."

Although I see this as part MLC, I see it also as a guy who is looking for direction and someone who looking for someone to believe and understand him.

How much of that have you done and changed yourself? You might think he's depressed, but just think. What have you changed to change the dynamic so that your situation is something he WANTS to come back to?