Starting a new post. Once I figure out how to add old thread I will. How do I do this?
Been a hectic day. We saw some of my family and he asked if they were upset with him. Duh. I just ignored the conversation as I could see it leading to a fight. Had to listen to family not understand why I am standing. Um..bc god married me and I don't quit. Ad if mlc was not enough he us showing mental issues too. In sickness and health...right?
He is not sure how to make of my 180 and detaching. He keeps asking if I am upset about something. Which makes me chuckle...duh he wants a divorce. normally I am first one to start conversations, but follow his lead for what we are doing. He says he is waiting until his work gets settled for the divorce. I think he won't do it now because if it goes to court it will be nicer to help him out. He got mad when I said divorce does not matter it is just a paper. I guess he does not like me saying off the wall things like him. I refer to it as delusional land.
I still am crying at drop of hat. I don't cry in front of him though. I probably need more antidepressants. This is so hard, I would not wish this crap in my worst enemy. I look at my girls and don't understand how he could leave them. It is obvious he does not want trial separation, just divorce. He says us being in separate rooms is our separation. I caught him watching porn last night, so i found one more thing against religion. Ha ha I thought murder was only one left.
Please send words of encouragement or any ideas as every moment has been struggle today. My therapist gave me new books to read on mlc and bipolar and personality disorder. I am waiting a library to get them in from neighboring library. Did any of your spouses have a mental breakdown or nervous breakdown?
Keep your chin up tld. You're not alone and I have the same heartache. I cry a lot too and it in itself is therapy but I also rise up after I get it off my chest and make myself do something that brings joy to my life. Usual grab one of my kids for a hug or sit down and just admire them while we play whatever.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
You may think he's having a mental or nervous breakdown, but he's not. His behavior will be very much out of character and will cause you to question whether he has a brain tumor or is suffering a breakdown...but what he is experiencing is an emotional crisis. Emotions for them run very high during this time of crisis and it's not about the red sports car or the young chick on the arm...but truly their emotions and facing childhood issues.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There are two reasons for thought of mental issues his therapist said there was before he quit therapy, and sometimes I see crazy in his eyes. Add that with the delusions and paranoia and it is worrisome. I wad told to watch my back as he could become dangerous..ugh.
I am an emotional wreck today. Having family here makes things worse right now. At least I have two hours to get it out before he gets home. He is already upset with me BC phone was on silence and it was past kids time for kids to call. All the messages were nasty and where are my kids. At least it made him feel out of control.
I still can't get it out of my head he is going to divorce me and put ow in my spot. She is even older than us drinks like twenty year old. Sad when you are fifty and playing college drinking games. I don't want a divorce and I don't want the monster h is now. I don't want my kids hurt. I feel like screaming at him wake up you idiot. I feel like I have no say on my future. And to top it off I may lose my job in a few months. I just want to wake up from the nightmare now. Help!!!!
Ok so I have been working on 180s. My h complained I was not intimate enough. So when this all went down I stepped up to the plate. Then I was told no BC it feels just like sex. Then it turned to where he would fake sleepwalk and we'd be intimate. Once I figured out the pa I stopped this and he does not try sleepwalking anymore.
How do I do a 180 on intimacy when I can't even get a hug or kiss? Also don't want to risk std. Ideas?
So I have been looking at my threads and I am back and forth on what to do and what I want. I want to stand, but do not know how to do that exactly. H is in our house in separate room and we are basically roommates. We can talk nice, but there is absolutely no physical contact. He spends every minute he can at OW house and claims they are just friends - um yeah I don't have idiot stamped across my head. He is showing all signs of mlc and some psychosis too. I tend to waver when I get around good friends or family because they want me to file. He says he is going to divorce me when done with work issue. I have been trying the 180s, but have not done very well. I have been detaching, but have a hard time not being a bitch when I talk to him (I am normally not that way.)
I'm sorry you are struggling. Job has incredible insight into MLC. However, I can tell you that 180s during MLC may not produce much more than anger and venom. Yes, make any changes that make you happy and things you need to work on. However, thru should be for you. Your h may or may not notice. That's not the point though because this is a marathon-not a sprint.
In regards to intimacy, that is an issue I had in my M. However, having more sex with your h at this point isn't going to put the M back on course. Leave him alone. Sounds like you are doing well with requiring him to initiate conversation and on detaching.
Make you the best you possible FOR you. Enjoy your girls.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
tld, As Georgia has pointed out, the MLCer will notice the changes and in most instances, they will try their best to test your patience. The 180's are not to win him back, but to help you set your boundaries and help you get your own footing back on an even keel because you've been rocked to the core. MLCers do not like us to change up on them, but you must do things to make yourself happy, not him. Any changes you make, must be for you and must become permanent. In other words, do not pretzel yourself to please him.
If he has given you a list of complaints about what he doesn't like about you or the relationship, I can guarantee you that if you try to fix those things, he'll come up w/another list. There is no pleasing them at this point in time. Also, do not drink the Kool-Aid he is serving up. He's going to say a lot of negative things that are his perception of things. Do not take them personally because you know the truth about your relationship. He will rewrite history and no matter how much you try to tell him that what he says is wrong, the more justification you are giving him to do what he is doing. Listen, but don't argue and draw from your inner soul that you do know the truth no matter what he has said.
If your h is not happy w/something you've changed in your life or how you run your home, he may become angry and stomp around like a spoiled child....ignore him. Some will then try to be nice and play on your softer side to get you to change whatever it is you have changed...don't do it. It's a dance and they will play nice or bad just to see if you are going to soften up and allow them to have their way. Stay firm, do not waiver if the changes are good ones and are for you. They do have this uncanny sense of knowing if we are trying to win them back or if we are sincere in the changes we have made.
Your h is gone and will be gone for some time. You could jump over the moon, lay golden goose eggs or transform into the most beautiful model out there and he will still find fault w/you. Why? Because it's not about you at all...but about him and he is not happy w/himself. You can't fix him. The only person you can fix is yourself.
If there are things that you do that don't make you happy, fix them. If you want to change the way you look, then by all means change what you don't like...but do it for YOU, not your h.
Right now, three is absolutely nothing you can do to make him interested in you or your girls because he's in crisis. He needs to be free to rediscover the world and figure out why he feels the way he does. He needs to experience the life that he thinks he missed out on as a young child. It takes years for them to work through the crisis and hopefully navigate through it properly and then want to reconcile...but you do not sit there and wait on him. You live your life to the fullest and rediscover yourself along the way. If he truly wants to reconcile, he will move heaven and earth to convince you that he wants to return and be part of the family in every way. He will have a lot of work to do and that's when you will determine whether or not you want him back into your life on a full time basis. Ultimately, the choice will be yours as to whether you want him back...but that's going to be a long time off into the future. So, while he's out to lunch, work on yourself.
Please try to understand...there is nothing you can do at this time to bring him home and want to work on the marriage. The only thing you can do is leave him alone, treat him as a roommate and move forward w/your life. The time you are spending worrying about how to him get home is so precious and you could be using that time to spend w/your girls or doing something that you like to do. Life is far too short to sit there and wait on him. This is your time to spread your wings and fly w/your girls.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Exactly Georgiabelle! Tld if it helps from a H perspective, job is spot on. My W struggled to understand me and although the intimacy was a day or two fix it never was long term. I had to face myself before I truly changed to care and love her the way she deserved It took months before I started looking inside myself to see how I was tearing our family apart. Although no happy ending yet, I now have hope but it's more that I am happy and she is happy rather than we might stay together. Please keep your chin up, smile, and see all the beautiful things you have. That's what I now see and the world is such a better place. Good luck and I hope that helps
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
Georgia - Thanks for the advice. It is so hard for me to make changes for myself. I have always been a follower not a leader. I always mold/prezel myself to what other people want. It sounds pitiful, but I don't mind it. I am feeling like thru all this I need to change my personality too. Poor H when he tells someone that know me that he wants to leave they really question him. They say why she is so nice and a great mom. It drives him crazy. How is your R going?
Job - Thanks for pointing out that the lists will keep coming and there is nothing that I can do to please him. I should have figured this out when everything is my fault, even his childhood. I had no idea they would do a dance to get what they want. The typical for h is to play stomping upset 2 year old, but recently when he wanted something from me - he played mr. niceguy (I did not trust this at all.) You are so right about letting him live his life. He really does not like it when I told him that I am not interested in what he is doing with his new friends. When he gots out I just smile and say have fun - it pisses him off that I don't get upset. It is like he wants me to fight against OW for him. But I get the feeling if I fought for him, he would not want that either - which is exactly what you said. How is your R going?
Whytry - Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one that is taking time finding myself. I feel like H is going to put me in a midlife crisis too. LOL. How is your R?
So what is the shortest, longest, and average time MLC takes? How do you know when they are starting to come back to you? Do they sometimes come back with some issues and reconcile and stay while working out issues - or is it flip back and forth?
Thanks for all the great advice. It is nice that I have some peeps out there that are helping me, and understand exactly what I am going thru. I have found that family and friends cannot help bc they see me hurting and the only way they know to stop me from hurting is for me to leave R. It does not help that thru all this my health has been in danger and I am probably going to lose work soon.
