You will be ok, we know you can do this, and one way or another it will be fine
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Today was a good day. H and our friend came to the house this morning to get things ready to go in the smoker. I had already been planning to do yard work. I asked H if he would mind going to the store to pick up mulch because he drives a truck and I drive a small car. I weeded and cleaned out flower beds and then when H got back I helped unload the bags of mulch and then put it in the flower beds. It was a lot of work, but my yard looks great!
After that, I took a shower. Our friend was hanging out with D7 outside. I was startled when my H walked into the bathroom as I was washing my hair. He made some flirty comment and then left. When I got out of the shower, H came back into my bedroom...and then we ML. I was not expecting that at all (no expectations, right?). Who knows what excuse my H made to the friend for our extended absence, but I'm not really worried about that.
H and our friend left to go pick up lunch, so I did my hair and makeup and made sure I looked my best before they got back. The rest of the day was really casual and low-key. We all watched a movie together and enjoyed dinner. I didn't feel awkward at all and really just allowed myself to enjoy the day. Even now, though I'm thinking about it, it's mostly just to journal, not to obsess over every detail. I think that's progress.
I'm still working on the balance between noticing the small positives and not developing expectations. My initial inclination is not to take stock of the positives because I don't want to form expectations or false hope. However, I was rereading part of DR tonight and I'm glad I did. I think I really needed to take another look at the section on Step Number 6 - Taking Stock. In particular, the following passage struck me:
"Allow yourself to notice and feel encouraged by the small signs. You need to feel hope. While it's true that there are no guarantees about the future, if things don't work out the way you hope, you'll deal with it then."
So, if I'm taking stock, I'd say that my H's flirtatiousness of late and the fact that he's being affectionate, and initiating ML, are small positives of which I should take note.
I forgot to mention one thing. My H was apparently misreading signals from our friend. This friend spent a while talking to me about the ten year anniversary trip he and his wife are planning and how excited he is about it. I realize he could just be choosing not to talk about it with me, but I decided not to ask my H about it. It isn't my business unless our friend chooses to share with me. In any case, it seems that those fears of mine were unfounded after all.
I've been rereading DR more slowly and studying it carefully. I think the first time I read it, I was so distraught and looking for something to work--quickly--that I didn't slow down and follow all the steps. Last night, I actually wrote out my goals and then revised them into actions and smaller chunks. I'm really glad that I went back to do this. It's such an important step.
I was listening to music yesterday as I was cleaning up the house and heard a song that really resonated with me: Maybe by Ingrid Michaelson. Some of the lyrics are below:
I don't wanna be the first to let it go But I know, I know, I know If you have the last hands that I want to hold Then I know I've got to let them go
'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back You're gonna come back around Maybe in the future you're gonna come back You're gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back You're gonna come back
Ugh...As I was typing that last post, I received a frustrating text from my H. He told D7 that he would come to her school for lunch last Friday, but he forgot. When I mentioned their lunch plans in a phone conversation, he seemed really frustrated with himself because he had scheduled something at work and couldn't make it. He talked to D7 Thursday night and told her he would go on Monday (today) instead. This morning he called me to ask what time her lunch was. I told him and also told him that she asked me to come, too. He asked if I would pick up lunch for the three of us. I agreed. He also mentioned that he had to go to the courthouse to pay a ticket that he received a few weeks ago. About twenty minutes ago, he called and asked if I could fax a copy of our insurance card to the courthouse for him. I told him I would. Then I got this text message:
There is going to be no way I can make that lunch today. I won't be getting out of here anytime soon. I will have to do it tomorrow with her.
If I hadn't agreed to go today, she would have just been waiting for him to show up and he never would have been there. I find that infuriating.
So, I have a couple of questions.
1. Am I wrong to be annoyed? I see this is a relatively big deal. I realize that my D7 is going to be disappointed sometimes, but I really wish it wasn't my H that caused it.
2. Do I respond to his text message at all? I could just say, "OK. I'll still be there." I'm open to suggestions.
3. He and I have been having very positive interactions. Is this something that falls in the category of "not my sandbox"? If it does, I assume that I should continue to interact with him in the same way because what I'm doing seems to be working.
With regard to H missing lunch with D7 today, I just acted normal. I never responded to his text, but he called while I was with her. I did not answer, so he texted to tell her that he loves her and will have lunch with her on Wednesday. She was disappointed when she first realized he wasn't there, but she and I had a great time together.
H called me on my way home from work (this was a pre-BD routine) and asked me about my job search and filled me in on his plans for the evening (studying). I wished him good luck and got off the phone after a couple of minutes. I had a good PMA during our phone call. What's more surprising is that it's actually felt natural recently!
This evening when H came to tuck in D7, he seemed a little distant. In the first month or so after he moved out, I would have texted him after he left asking what was going on and why he was distant. That never ended well. Even a week or two ago, I would have been very tempted to ask those sorts of questions. Today, it was really just something I observed. I don't feel particularly driven to figure out why. I've run through some scenarios in my head:
-He feels guilty for disappointing D7. -He is backing off because we ML twice in just a few days and he doesn't want me to get "false hope." -He is just distracted because of studying and catching up on schoolwork after a week of traveling and then having a friend visit.
It could be any, all, or none of these, of course. I'm proud of myself for being more accepting of the fact that I don't know why he was acting distant. He might think he wasn't distant at all. Regardless, it doesn't change anything for me.
H was acting less distant during the day today--texting, emailing, and calling. He still seemed distant in person when I saw him tonight though. He said he was working on school assignments again. I haven't had a temptation to text and find out what is bothering him. I did keep a good PMA when he was here. Both of those things are progress for me, especially considering that I've felt he was pulling back two nights in a row.
I've figured out that one of the things I need to work on is control. It seems to be a common theme on the boards. I have been called both a control freak and a perfectionist. I am also prone to anxiety. I am very uncomfortable with things being outside my control. It isn't really hard to figure out where those issues originated. My parents split up when I was seven. I was raised by a single father with my mother only sporadically around. My mom has been married--and divorced--five times. I actually had one stepdad who I never even met. I lived in another state and their M was so short that it was over before I came back to visit. As the oldest child, I took on a lot of the responsibility. I also never wanted to disappoint anyone, myself included. Upon reflection, I definitely try to control things that really aren't within my control. I think it is so ingrained in me that I'm not even aware that I do it. Any book recommendations related to this?
I find it really depressing to come home from work to an empty house. The days when D7 isn't here are particularly hard. I can't imagine that I'll ever get used to this. I'm fine being alone and value a certain amount of alone time, but I really like to be around people, particularly people I care about. Even the dog doesn't seem to know what to do when it is just the two of us.
I do have GAL plans with my sister a little later after she gets her kids in bed, so that should help put an end to this pity party!
