Wonka why a public place? We have dinners at each other's houses so it would be at my house where we would talk not a restaurant.
I am surprisingly not as upset as I was when I first found it. I am trying to figure out if it really makes a difference to me or not.
I think I will probably hand her the book and ask if she has anything she wants to say to me. I will play it by ear after that. If she says nothing happened I will have to decide if I trust it as the truth or not. If she says there was an A I will have to decide if I believe if it has been terminated. If it is ongoing I will have to cut contact until it is over.
I am trying to figure out if she could have had or is having an A. With her saying she doesn't know if she trusts me and figuring she will eventually forgive me, it seems like she has been faithful. I know there were the beginnings of an EA which I have dealt with, but I don't know if it is ongoing or ever progressed.
The way she threatened me in the past gave me full confidence in her never cheating on me. My heart hopes it is someone overreacting to rumors.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Not to be a buzz kill, but the comments in the book did not sound like there had been no PA. Don't deceive yourself. But, in the end it may not matter..... It's up to you.
I know, I feel the same way when I read it. I know some of the accusations that have flown at her job in the past about others that were unfounded. I would think that with all the writing they would have said "you f@$ked my husband".
I am probably telling myself a lie by not thinking she had an A. But without all or any facts I am going to act "as if".
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Gogofo as you told me many times, take your time and ask yourself, would the questioning be something that will help you at the end?
I am going to expose 2 points, lets imagine that its true that she had an affair, and you confront her, there are a few possibilities, the 1st one is that she might be feeling guilty already about this and when you ask her she shuts down completely and stops communicating with you...
The 2nd its that she might break down and confess you the affair, feel guilty about it and stop her "realization" process and decide to separate ways longer because the guiltiness doesnt allow her to be with you at this point.
Both of those outcomes will affect the actions you took and you will probably have to start again from zero in your recovery, remove your resentments and well we dont know how you that will really affect you...
And the option that I am inclining towards, keep giving her time and space for "HER" to realize what she has done, face consequences because she realizes she has to face them not due to your reaction, how do you accomplish this? Well, dont make a show out of this, give her the book and very calm and cool tell her: hey the other day I found this book on the door.... And STFU and keep going with your life... This might sound crazy but if she is having an affair, your reaction of indiference will confuse her and make her think, did he see what the book says? And it will create mistery and wondering if you definetly move on, what at the end will put her in the position of reevaluating her relationship with you and maybe end the affair, this is written in Sandi rules remember?
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! So dont ask her, let her reach the realization point... Of course having your boundaries but she at this point doesnt have to hear them.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) At this state of mind she is, she will considering this spying and a violation of her privacy...waw justify always their mistakes by blaming you..
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
This is the hardest part Gogofo, but you have to be strong, if she is not in an affair all this might shoot you right in the face, once she feels that you are not judging her for her mistakes and that she is safe around you, she will be the one telling you if she had an affair, at that point its when you tell her your boundaries, not before that, you had worked really hard on yourself and the goal its to R, keep calm, be cool and remember this rule:
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
She is being showing a little advance towards feeling safest with you, dont let your anger change that.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Is it a game ender? decide that now- It will keep you from doing something stupid when you confirm.
Do not ask her....if its true you will begin to start to see some real bad acting on her part as she begins to cover tracks.
AND.....whatever happens- you must remain in control....you will be alright
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
In a public place, there's no way that your spouse would be out of control. She would need to realize that she's under microscope with other eyes around so she may adjust her behavior accordingly.
In regard to your thought that maybe rumors are just rumors, I am going to say that 99.9% of WAS here have OM/OW in the picture. It is highly likely that W is indeed having an A with someone. This brings me to the next point. Would asking for the truth and making her swear on our children be out of line?
Don't act silly. Just calmly show her the book and ask if she had something to say about it. Quietly listen. Then say, "W, you know, we cannot be having any dinners or any joint activities going forward as I am not willing to have a third party in the M. You need to figure this out yourself."
With her saying she doesn't know if she trusts me and figuring she will eventually forgive me,
Simply say, "I am sorry that you feel this way. I am here if you wish to talk." The forgiveness part is up to her.
Validate, validate...it is how W is feeling at the moment. Don't try to discount them or argue back with her.
