With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

You are right Nettles and thank you again for the perspective. I need to stop with the mind reading game. Yesterday was the first 100 percent no contact day between me and my wife (email, text or phone) and it was actually easier on me in the end as I didn’t have the negative feeling that always lingers after one of her cold communication. I am going to strive to keep this no contact up through this week unless something comes up in regards to my daughter.

On brighter thoughts I have lost over 20 pounds myself now and have been able to get the house in really good shape. I just ordered some parts for a hot tub that came with our house that has been broken for about a year and I thought I would get it up and running again. It will be another nice distraction for me and once it is fixed it will help in the whole “take care of you” concept. I picked up everything I need for an Easter basket for my daughter as well as the stuff to color some Easter eggs with her and I’m really looking forward to having her this weekend.

I am about ¾ of the way through the last book I gave a review on and hope to have ti finished before the weekend. I don’t know which one I will pick up next but when I decide I will give another review as time permits.

[Nettles]

I've lost about 20 pounds too. BD might be the most effective weight loss program ever, but of course, it is also the most painful.

I catch myself mind reading. It is hard to stop. Patience.

[soldier]

Nettles, I saw in your thread that you spoke of Buddhist thoughts which got my curious so I started looking up some of the ideas and concepts behind it. It is definitely and interesting way of living life and I like that it is really a life choice as opposed to a specific religion so it can be done alongside my given religious beliefs and in many ways goes hand and hand with them. I have really enjoyed the 4 noble truths. Nice comment about the weight loss. Maybe we can market some kind of business plan on it. The new and improved weight loss program BD 5000. You are guaranteed to lose weight quickly, if you don’t get crushed first from a broken heart, or your money back.

I have been working hard on controlling my temper and anger as this I know was one of the factors that lead me to where I currently am. I find myself trying to put myself in situations that I know in the past get my blood flowing so that I can force myself to stay calm and not yell or curse of even get excited. This will sounds funny but I now have a much better relationship with my two dogs as I am starting to learn to let small things roll off my back and net get so worked up over them. I also seem to have a stronger relationship with my D5 which is worth more than anything in the world to me right now.

I am about 40 pages out from being done with my current book and will be do the one titled “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing” next. As always I will let you know how it work for me.

I get to pick my D5 up today after work and will have her through the rest of this week and weekend. I am very excited and have many things planned for us. I couldn't believe I actually got her for the Easter weekend. I think I will take her to the park for 30 or 40 minutes after I pick her up tonight just to get things started right.

[Nettles]

That is funny that you wrote about a business opportunity with the weight loss because my original post had a reference to making money off of the idea and I deleted it.

Like you, I have issues with my anger. I have found that the quotes of the Buddha and the writings of the Dalai Lama have helped me with that. The book "How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life" is very powerful. In fact, I'm only on Chapter 2 because the first practice has been so influential in my attitude and outlook. I highly recommend you look for it at your local library or go to a bookstore and just read Chapter 2. If it has any impact, consider purchasing it. I really like the books because the focus is on the self. I don't believe it conflicts with any of my religious beliefs. To me, it is more about a life philosophy.

And it doesn't sound funny about your dogs. They totally pick up on negative and positive energy, and that is a sign that your vibes are changing.

That's great that you have a better relationship with you D. I know that before BD, I took time with my kids for granted. In fact, I had the attitude that they were inconveniencing me at times. Now, I cherish every minute with them.

Easter will be fun with your D too. It isn't my weekend with the kids, but W has agreed that I'll fill up the plastic eggs (my usual job), hide them, and watch the egg hunt Sunday morning.

I think we might be starting a list of positives out of our BD. In no particular order:

1) Weight loss
2) Improved relationship(s) with our child(ren)

Let's keep it going. Here is one to consider (applies to me at least)

3) Finding things that make ME happy.

I lost what made me happy, and W had no problems with finding her own happiness. I resented her for it. Instead of finding mine, I tried to keep her from hers.

[soldier]

Once again your words strike true Nettles. I too felt like I lost what had made me my own person and I also had much resentment towards my W for moving on without me. I am glad that your W is letting you participate in the Easter activities as that is very important for sure. It is weird how many things I was able to take for granted prior to this space that I am dealing with. I walk around the house and it is so empty and quiet and you can’t help but think and realize. It has been the single most changing experience in my life even beating out 7 years in the military. I will definitely check your book recommendation out as I have very much enjoyed what I have read thus far on the topic of the Buddhist way of life. It seems so calming and positive.

So as far as my situation goes but W sent me an email yesterday saying:

W - “It seems that you have been extremely short with me as of our last phone conversation. I know you said you would give me some space, so I suppose that is what you are doing.”

She talked about business with my daughter for this up and coming weekend and then ended her initial letter with:

W - “Can we do lunch sometime next week? Let me know when you have some time. I hope things are okay.”

This made me happy but I immediately began dropping my expectations so as to not get overly excited or enthusiastic. The conversation continued for a few emails and here are the main highlights:

Me - “I did not mean for me to come off as being short with you. I am trying to respect and honor your wishes”
Me - “It would be nice to do a lunch together next week sometime. Just let me know when and where and I will figure it out.”
Me - “Things are just fine. I am learning more than I ever thought possible about myself and my actions and recently I have been doing a lot of thinking as well. I would love to share some with you sometime but I don't think that now is that time.”
W - “Thank you for the answer and reply. Perhaps lunch next week would be a better time to discuss things.”
Me - “I will follow you lead and go at your pace.”

It might not have been a picture perfect conversation as I borderlined on bring R into it but I wanted to also try to build some mystery with her. All in all I would give it a C+ and I will try better next time. There is no date set for lunch but I am going to work hard this weekend to get my mind right for when it happens. I am much more emotional detached then I was but a bit more polish is probably wise.

Here is another item for our list of positives:

4) Gaining a deeper understanding of who I am.

[Nettles]

I'm no expert soldier, but I think you did fine with your conversation. My only comment would have been to leave this out: "I would love to share some with you sometime". So now when you have lunch, don't bring that up, let her. If she's interested, she will, and if not, that's okay too. Your dogs have picked up on your changes and she will too, even if you don't verbalize it. And it is actions that speak much louder than words and actions are what she'll believe.

I do find her opening statements interesting. I'm not sure she likes that from you and may try to draw you into something. I think you should stay with the 'giving you space' and 'not pressuring you'.

I know it is hard to manage those expectations, but lunch will not be the resolution of things, but it is a good step forward. Do you keep a log of small accomplishments on the road to your goal? This is certainly one that'll be on that list.

And I like #4. Given your lunch update and some things going on with me, i'll submit:

5) Learning patience.

[soldier]

As of now I have not been keeping a journal or log of any sort as I have been reading so much that this has taken up most of my free time. I think, however, I will find the time and start as it sounds like another good outlet for the emotions and what not. Besides if I have time to post here then surly I can take a few minutes to write out what is working and what is not.

Yesterday was rough for no apparent reason as many small things throughout the day reminded me of the W and by that evening I was feeling tired of fighting the feelings. I picked up my D5 after school and we were able to play some last night before bed which helped to take my mind off of things for a while. This morning I am feeling better and started the morning off military style with some physical training. I am hoping I can keep the thoughts at bay better today and looking forward to some quality time with my D5.

[Nettles]

I think one can't fight feelings and emotions. They are natural, part of what makes us human, and are going to happen. One must control and analyze how they react to feelings and emotions.

[Nettles]

Happy Easter soldier. I hope you are having a great weekend with your D.

[soldier]

Thank you Nettles, I already went to your thread and see that you had a very good weekend with your kids and W. I am happy for you. My weekend was busy and fairly good. My W had gone to West Virginia with her mother and me and D5 got to do all sorts of stuff. We went to 2 different parks and painted eggs and my sister came over with her D and the girls got to play and have a sleep over. We got to go to a special Easter festival that my sister’s place of work sponsored and they had face painting and pony rides and a petting zoo and all sort of stuff. Saturday I and my sister made baskets for the girls and Sunday morning the both had a great search and find. I ended it with a family dinner Sunday and a special Easter egg hunt that was just me and D5 and the eggs we had painted earlier.

Daughter wise it was a great time but doing all of the family events did make me miss my wife greatly. I did several hours of exercise throughout the weekend to help take my mind off of things and I also did a bit of meditation for the first time ever. It helped but Sunday night when my wife made her normal call to say goodnight to D5 I picked up the phone and it felt really good to hear W voice so I attempted some small talk because I was missing her so much. I was missing my friend. The conversation became awkward and I accidentally drifted into R talk for just a sentence or two and she became quickly annoyed and very short. I realized the mistake I was making and ended the conversation immediately but the damage was done.

I know that I am not supposed to let me heart take control but it always seems to get the best of me and it is really messing things up for me on this one. W called back later for D5 and I saw that D5 had a small fever in between calls so after the conversation between W and D5 I took the phone again and I told her I was sorry for letting the old me creep back up and that I just want to do what it takes to get us all in a better place regardless of what that meant. She thanked me for the apology and we did have a short ten minute conversation that was much better than the first one. I excused myself from the phone at that point and she asked if I still wanted to do lunch sometime this week. I said that would be nice and right before she hung up the phone she said something that was probably a slip of the tongue but it felt good none the less. She said “I will talk to you soon baby” which is how she always used to talk to me.

Again I know it was probably nothing but I am going to use it as fuel to continue the fight. I know that my first call was counterproductive and I need to continue to emotionally detach more but other than that brief 10 minutes bad conversation I did very well as far as the last 5 days are concerned and am looking forward to our lunch some time this week. For safety I have also started to get my mind right in the event that W chooses to not invite me after all and will take it on the chin and not let it get to me.

So as promised here is the next book review that I have for “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing”. I am half ways through this book now and I enjoy this one very much. Although the title might imply that it is more geared towards the person being abused that is not completely true. It is written for both abused and abuser. There is much insight within this book as to how to help you find the root of why an abuser might be behaving in this manner and it has inspired me to dig into my past a bit and see why I have been behaving the way that I have. All and All I would give it 3.75 / 5 only because half of the book is written for the person being abuse and although this is helpful insight it is not as helpful IMO as the chapters geared towards the abusers as this is the category that I fell under. I think it would be a good candidate for a library read.

Moving forward from my little mess up I am going to take this week to really concentrate deeper on emotional detachment. I know that this is an ongoing process but I think it needs some special upfront attention currently and then I can maintain and build from there. If anyone has any good sources of info on the subject that they would like to share, this would be great.