I am brand new to posting in these forums but have read many posts already. So a bit about what is going on. I am 32 years old and my W is 31. We have been together for a bit over 12 years and married for 11 as of March. In the early years of our marriage I was in the military and we saw many hardships that a normal couple just starting out shouldn't have to. We both grew well beyond our years but we had each other and with that a high level of happiness. I was overseas quite a bit and this added strain but I never thought there was unhappiness.
I left the military 5 years ago with the advent of the birth of our D5 and it was a rough transition for me. All of the structure I had become accustom to over the last 7 years was gone and I had a strange since of freedom and didn't know really what to do with it. Money was tight and we were forced to move in with my father for the next 3 years so as to make ends meet while I rapidly went through college. With a new baby and me going to school more than full time and my W working it was a busy and stressful time. We fought quite a lot and they often got very bad. I finally finished college and immediately found a decent paying job. We were able to move out of my father’s place about 2 years ago and into a really nice house that was perfect for our family. I then got yet another job with a substantially large bump in pay and this took money issues completely off of the table. Over these last two years I felt that we had finally made it and our dreams where becoming reality.
Early March my W seemed out of sorts and I attempted to reach out to her as to what the issue was. She confessed that she was terribly unhappy with our marriage and she though that I had to have felt the same way. I told her that I did not feel that way at all and that I didn't realize that she felt this way. I asked her why this was coming up now when we finally had so many good things and she simply told me that it was for that reason that she was so scared. She felt that if she couldn't be happy here with no money problems and a wonderful house and two cars paid off then she didn't think she could ever feel happy (implying with me). I immediately started to do the things that I have now found out where the worst possible things to do. I began doing as much around the house as possible and followed her around constantly. I kept trying to reach out to her physically thinking that this might help. She regularly told me that “she was trying” but that she had a lot of dark emotions hanging around her and she had trouble feeling love for me. This in turn made me worry more so I tried harder.
March 22nd I started what I now know was the three days of misery for my W. I attempted to stay as close to her as possible. I constantly poured my heart out to her and told her how much this marriage meant to me and how I can change and would change. Everything seemed to fall on cold deaf ears. March 24th my emotions got the best of me and I began to snoop. I was going through some photos on her computer and found a photo of another man she worked with. I have been jealous of this man in the past because he and my wife seemed to be so close and he is younger and more attractive so when I saw this photo it hit me hard and my mind went overtime. In a fit of anger I ran into our bedroom and woke my W up asking her if there was OM in the picture. She hugged me and cried and said there has never been an OM and that she has no idea how that picture ever got there. The next morning I attempted to make up for my bad behavior with intimacy and she at first acted to be into it and OK with it but after a few short moments I looked at her face and her face was very sad as if in mourning some great loss and it stopped everything dead in its tracks. I finished getting ready, said goodbye and left for work.
March 25th my W called me mid-day from work to let me know that although she had been trying things just were not working and she wanted some space to think through things. She picked my daughter up early from school and left for her mother’s to stay for a while. I did not fight with her but instead said I understand. I told her I was scared as I didn't think that space would allow us to work on this marriage to which she replied that she was scared too and that was that. She was gone. She didn't take much from the house for her or my daughter as I have since found out that she had been stock piling needed stuff at her mother’s for some time so as to be ready if she felt she needed to make this move.
It has only been two weeks and I have had next to no communication with her up to this point (per her wishes). I still get to see my daughter via a make shift schedule that was outlined for me but I am at our beautiful house all alone most of the time. Before you all tell me how bad those last three days where towards my spouse, I have since bought DR and read it cover to cover. I have also printed off the famous Sandi2’s 37 Rules and have been re-reading them every night. I have started to work on myself through exercise and reverted back to a somewhat militant diet and workout plan. I am also working hard to GAL with a combination of going out with family and re-connecting with old war buddies on Facebook. I am even attempting to plan two out of state trips to see some of them in the near future.
I feel very left in the dark and confused. I am not sure what this space means for us but this action has opened my eyes to so many truths as to what my part has been in leading out marriage to this current state. I know it takes two but I had really abandoned my W in many ways and on all fronts such as physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. My W has helped me through so many things such as loss, war and general crisis. She has been a beacon for me and help to give me the strength and courage to become the man that I have become. I miss her greatly and although it is a bit easier at the two week mark, I still have many sleepless nights just thinking of how I could possible show her how much our marriage means to me and how much I know it is worth saving (even though I am not allowed to tell her any of this). I started writing “love letters to her that I will never send” with the intention of using this to help with my want to reach out to her. After they are written I re-read them and then burn them so that they cannot be sent nor can I be tempted to send them. This helps but I finally decided to come here and see what other aid I might be able to get.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
I have read several archived posts from a WAW who use to be very active in these forums with the tag of smartcookie and her story has touched me deeply and allowed me to really take a deep look into my own faults. I was inspired by one of her posts and so I decided I would make my own story written in the same powerful light as the post she had written. I hope this story helps to show some of the LBS's perspective just the same way that cookie's post showed the depth of the WAW's perspective.
There once was a boy who grew up thinking he had learned the difference between right and wrong. His family seemed strong and together and the boy was generally happy. As the boy grew older he started to realize that his thoughts where not completely correct. His parents fought quite a bit and there was often yelling and cursing throughout the house. The boy did not know it but he was starting to develop his idea of how conflict is managed. The boy’s mother saw much of his father in him and as the mother and father started to grow farther apart the mother began to direct her anger to the next best source. The boy hated when his mother would yell and curse at him. It made him feel very sad and confused.
The boy grew into a young adult and started to foster relationships of his own but each one seemed to be strained as if there was some unforeseen pressure weighing on each and every one he attempted to make weather it was a friendship or a youthful love interest. It felt like this constant strain was causing each relationship to be destined for failure. The young adult was hurt many times and as a result he stood helpless as his confidence within himself slowly eroded to the point where he truly felt no more than a shell.
At last the young adult became a man and with what seemed at the time as a lack of options he ran off to the military. There is no room for unsure or unconfident people in that environment. The man realized that if he was to survive his experience then he would have to mold his shell so that he could hide the fact that it was still very empty and mold he did. With every ounce of his being he attempted to extrude a confidence that in truth was non-existent. So hard did he work to mold this shell that he even was able to convince himself of how real it was but no matter how much he lied to himself the truth was that there was no foundation for this new fake front.
The man met a beautiful woman who from the first moment he saw her she brought color and light into his life. The man desired nothing more than to have her by his side for the rest of his life. The couple developed a relationship and over time they got married. She traveled with him throughout his 7 years within the military and helped to support him through his darkest hours. When he was afraid she offered courage. When he was sore and tired she offered a comfortable place to rest. When it was so tough that the man didn't know how he would ever go on then she offered him support to get him through. When he was in doubt she gave her own confidence freely to him to make him feel at ease. When he was stressed she gave herself completely to him to help relieve his burdens.
The man had never known such unconditional love and devotion and he was so happy. As time went by the couple grew old well beyond their years and the saw many hardships such as separation and loss. With the constant moving around, the woman never had an opportunity to make many friends or see her family. The couple had each other and only each other and this made the man very happy as he enjoyed all of the many things that the woman gave so freely but this caused the man to become lazy within their relationship. He remembered what he learned from a young age from his father and followed suit. He failed to put the time and effort into giving the woman what she needed in return. The man felt that her bank was limitless and everything was fine and as always there was still this strain or pressure that seemed to weight the relationship down.
Then came the day that the man left the military behind. It was for no other reason than he was now going to be a father and the constant movement was no longer appealing. For the first time in so many years the couple found themselves close to family again and old friends. The woman was very excited because she had been somewhat neglected in the relationship and she now saw an outlet to receive some of the things she had been missing. She immediately started reconnecting with all of these other people but this made the man insanely angry. He though how dare she offer her bank of love to others. For years this was for me and me alone. In his anger he began to yell and say things that were not appropriate. This came natural to him because he grew up with it for so long. He lost himself and the fake shell that he had molded so long ago had fallen to reveal that true empty man underneath.
The yelling scared the woman and hurt her but she hoped desperately that it was just a transition and in time it would pass. To appease him temporarily she distanced herself from friends and family hoping that when the time was right and the man was calm she could reconnect again. He just needed time she thought but the anger would not subside and years past. Every time the woman so much as hinted about seeking a connection for love the man ridiculed her and tried to keep his grip on her tighter and tighter. The woman could not breathe. She was suffocating in the home that had made. It was no longer a home but a prison. She tried to busy herself with house work and her daughter because theses where the only things that she would not get punished for. She so desperately wanted to escape the pain that she was forced to endure for so many years but what about her daughter she thought.
The man felt uncomfortable having left the military and now having such freedom and he felt like he needed his wife closer to him than ever before. He needed her as a crutch while he nursed himself back into a normal life. He made it through college and became very successful over those years. The woman, never wavering even in her depression, gave him courage to finish and become something of worth. This was no surprise as she always had but even with all of his new found success he felt constantly out of sorts because as he learned to adapt to being out of the military he also started to realize that his fake shell of confidence was gone. With this safety net gone he had to use his wife for everything now. He was on autopilot and his mind was fogged over. To him everything was status quo.
Finally the day came when the man received a call from work and it was his wife. She confessed that she was terrible unhappy and that she wanted space and time to think about things. He asked if they could talk about it and she said she had already gotten their daughter and was gone. In that instant the man felt his entire world crush in on him. It was as if all of the pain that had been dealt out over their 11 year marriage had been transferred to him in that very moment. He was paralyzed with fear. The fog dissipated and he could see the reality of his situation as if he was holding the hand of a very sick relative on their death bed. There was no work or sleep or hunger. Only pain and confusion remained. How could he see so clearly now the error of his ways but be helpless to do anything about it.
The man instantly committed to changing himself at the core of the problem and he wanted to desperately show his wife that he could be the man that she deserved but his wife was disgusted by the mere sight of him. She would not talk to him or let him touch her and the few times that did have need to be in the same house she wouldn't even stay in the same room as him. She didn't want this now not after she had waited for so long. Not after she had begged and pleaded for him see wake up and open his eyes to her reality and her needs. Not after she had prayed so hard that she started to question her very faith as how could God allow her to be put through this constant misery. Her soul was empty and she had no more left to give.
The more he read and learned the more the man grew and developed. He started to see just what he had done to his loving wife all of these years. He was mortified and ashamed. As time passed the man realized that there was nothing that he could ever do or say to his wife to take back what he had done to her or give back all he had taken from her. He wanted that energy that she gave so much that he had become a void. This void devoured her energy but did nothing with it. He didn't turn it back into something positive or share his own energy with her. Instead he took and took and took until his wife was completely dry. All of the color and light she had brought to his life he selfishly kept to himself and himself alone and instead of trying to give some of his own color and light to the dark cold dungeon that her world had become he tried to keep her from any and all potential source that might have offered even a glimpse of hope to her because he wanted all of her light, color and energy to himself. Weather he realized what he was doing or not and weather he meant to or not, he had slowly destroyed her and now he would pay the greatest debt he would ever have to pay.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Hang in there Soldier. Make the changes, fill a new shell by knowing what makes you happy. But fill it for you, not her.
"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." - Buddha
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Well we are drifting into the three week territory of having space from each other and it seems to me that my W gets more and more aggressive with me as the days go by. In the first week or so of our space, she put up a very cold front as if this was not bothering her at all. I have read that this is normal and so I knew to expect it. Recently, however, her demeanor has changed. It still isn't positive at all but not as nonchalant as before. She tells me that this is hard on her and that my D5 always wants to come back home and stay with daddy which makes me happy inside as my D5 is a large part of my world yet sad for my W at the same time. My W is a very good mother and her and our D5 have always been very close. I think my D5’s reaction to our current situation has been very frustrating for my W. My D5 seems to be blaming mommy for all the troubles and that really isn't true.
On the GAL front I was able to get in touch with an old war buddy and it looks like I will be making a trip out of state to visit him and his family sometime early May. I also picked up some new self-help books to read on that I found by digging through these forums. For those interested they are as follows:
Good husband Great Marriage: Finding the Good Husband in the Man You Married The 5 Love Language Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love that Lasts The 5 Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
I will give a better review of these books and my thoughts as I have time to read them. They should come in some time today and I am looking forward to diving in to them.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Thank you Nettles for the words of encouragement. You are right and I truly am trying as hard as possible to make these changes about me. Early on they where not. I was only concerned for how to get my W back as quick as possible. As time goes on I am settling into the realization of my current situation and having ready many other stories now at how this can and often does play out I am starting to set more realistic expectations on things. All of the sudden these changes start to move more towards things that I know I need to take care of regardless of how my R with my W plays out in the future. It is slow but I am starting to get it.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
And do post about those books. I'm interested to hear if they are worth reading.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Well I only have a few new things to report currently and they are mostly all good things. Still no contact with the spouse save for a very business oriented conversation on the phone in which she let me know that she did not want me to attend our traditional Easter function at her dad’s today. That was disheartening to say the least but expected.
GAL report, I did introduce myself to my neighbor for the first time in two years as he was sitting in his back yard around a fire pit just relaxing and we had a very good conversation. It turns out that in his retirement he runs a non-profit organization that teaches people with disabilities how to sail boats. He told me that they are always looking for volunteers to help out and that I was more than welcome to go with him on a Saturday to see if I was interested. He even said I could bring my D5 along so that made me happy. I also spoke with my brother and he asked if I had ever thought about riding motorcycles for which he is already and avid rider for many years. He said he had plenty of bikes in his collection and I was welcome to give it a try any time I was interested.
As far as the books, the first one I received in the mail was the “Good husband Great Marriage: Finding the Good Husband in the Man You Married” and I am already about half way through it and it is in my opinion a phenomenal read. It is written by a guy and for guys and in a language that I found very easy to understand. It does not feel like a college text book and in many ways reminds me of DR as far as its layout and style. The content is excellent and has already given me many great ideas of how to treat my wife should the opportunity ever present itself. The chapters are small which makes it easy to pick up for a short time and put back down when you are busy. I would highly recommend this one to any husband and there is many things in there for the wives as well. All around I would give it 4 ½ stars out of 5 for sure at a minimum.
I watched the movie “The Great Gatsby” with Leonardo Dicaprio. I had never ready the original book but found the movie to be stunning. I did regret watching it some as it bring some tears to my eyes given my current situation but still it was a great movie and I would also highly recommend it when a decent level of emotional detachment has been achieved.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Thanks for the info on the book. I'm going to see if my library has it and check it out.
Good work on the GAL. The volunteering thing sounds awesome. Helping others is going to make you feel really good about you. And to have the ability to do it with your D and teach her about helping others? What an added bonus! I've been trying to find a similar scenario for me and my kids but haven't spent as much time on it as I need to.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
So yesterday I received a call from my daughter for a quick goodnight and after we had said goodnight she gave my wife the phone and it was the first time we had spoken in a few days. I lightly attempted to make small talk asking how her week had ended and how the weekend had gone. I asked about how the Easter family function went but the whole time she was cold and distant. She just seemed to be very impatient and wanting to get off the phone. As a result we only had about a 5 minute conversation and I told her I would not keep her and longer and excused myself.
I had been busy reading on my books and unfortunately other than the DR book most of them are geared towards marriages in trouble but still of a working nature. My situation, the same as many on these forums, is that my wife seemingly cannot stand me at all now. After reading on these other books (ones that are not DR) it got me feeling good about my changes and made me very positive. The problem is it also pushed expectation into my mind. I need to keep this in better check.
It hurts me deeply to see her make this look so easy for her when in truth it is a constant sting to me as I can’t get all of the good memories of our 11 years together out of mind. Was I really such a monster that she now has no emotions what so ever for me? When my D5 was born my wife had some heart complications and as a result had to remain in the hospital for 7 days. I never left her room and I was more afraid than ever in my life to include my military time and being aggressed by enemy forces. I couldn't lose her and I had to be by her. Now she doesn't even want to see my face and I just don’t understand why she is behaving as if all that time and all those events mean nothing to her and never did. I know it isn't my place to understand so I am working hard to force these thought from my mind and stick with what I can control but the pain is still there.
I guess I will just keep reading and learning and hoping. On a brighter note, I will have my D5 for this next weekend so I am very excited about that.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Don't assume it is easy for her. I thought it was easy for my WAS, until I saw her. She lost 10% of her body weight very quickly, and is still struggling with her decision.
It may be she doesn't want to see you because it is a reminder that the decision hurt someone deeply and/or you remind her of the good times you had. There is no way to know.
I understand the hurt and pain. I understand the wanting to understand. But from the sounds of your conversation with her, I think your W needs space. I know it's hard, but don't initiate conversation with her. Let her do the talking. Anything from you right now is pressure. Reduce the pressure and see what happens.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
