The Final Chapter

[AJM]

Hey Upside. Some random thoughts about this latest set of events.

Have you ever considered it is not about what he wants, but rather what you want? Hear me out. What I'm thinking is that if you're on the fence and he's still trying to figure things out, then your actions may be mirrored in some twisted way. You're once bitten..so it's understandable that you're spinning a bit as he changes. He obviously wants you in his life, but that may not be what you want if he can't be what you what need at this point in your life. Your spinning emotions make it hard for him to read and he reacts in a timid way, and you begin to wonder what the heck is up with him. Kind of like a dance in a way...

Figure out what you want and settle for nothing less. It's up to him to either try and catch up or not. It's up to you to let him go if you need to in order to get what you need. The hard part is differentiating between having feelings for him and him being able to reciprocate and meet your needs as well. You do not seem to be able to figure his out, which makes it harder. The superficial you can see pretty easily, but what it is he really needs is much more hidden. Yours are so far undecided.

I'm not saying things should be in an absolute sense figured out, but you should have a good idea what you will and will not accept and work toward that without wondering if you left anything on the table, right?

It's a journey, Upside. It's not a destination, so you'll continuously change things as time goes on. That's ok. That's part of life. For now, if you wait and see you'll see what he's about. If you live your life and he comes along, that's great too. If he doesn't, that's his loss and he'll have to figure out how to get past it.

My thoughts anyway.

Peace,
AJ

[Upside]

AJ-

Thank you so much for your much appreciated perspective. Agreed that my focus should ultimately be on what I want and need to be happy. If my xh isn't able to give that to me, then I need to keep moving on and not look back. I thought that is what I had previously done but as you say, things continually change even when you don't expect them to so just enjoy the ride as much as possible.

I did spend a little time with my xh this past weekend. As I suspected, he is extremely busy at work right now working 7 days a week to keep his business going. While together this weekend, I did push for us to clarify our mutual wants, needs and expectations. I told him I want and need someone more like the man I originally married...caring, considerate, patient, etc. He wants and needs companionship. So, for now the expectation is that we continue moving forward with our individual lives but we will spend time together when we can to see what happens. While he is so busy with work, I asked if daily contact of some kind was a reasonable expectation and he agreed to it. He is texting me daily and we have plans to meet tonight. We'll see...as long as I can keep my head and heart from spinning, I'll be ok.

Snodderly-
I was reading through some of my old threads and found this post from 9/12/10...

Upside,
I'm going to share my thoughts on your situation and I hope that I don't offend you....I think part of the problem is that you may be reading way too much into the "words" of what he's saying. Yes, he's saying all of the right things that you want to hear, but the actions are not there. I know that you are hoping that he is near or in acceptance, but I honestly don't think he is. I do think that he is very much aware of what he's saying and he is hoping against hope and time that he can continue to keep you in his life while he tries to get himself straightened out.

This "keeping you on a string" needs to start unraveling or you will never heal. You see, I think that when you are detached and have little contact w/him, you start to heal and feel better about yourself and life. When your h senses that you are moving further away from him and are not there emotionally he knows that he has to step it up and say everything that will bring you right back into his drama. He knows that you still love him and want to reconcile and what better way to keep you right there in his drama, but to say all of the "right words" to keep you there. I think you need to detach even more and just listen to what he says and then let those words bounce right off of you. Until his actiions say otherwise, words mean nothing.

BTW, I'm glad he called your son. At least he did remember what the day is. I wasn't expecting him to call and talk to you....he knows he got what he wanted...you took his bait.

Oh trust me, he knows that if he comes back, he will either have to do the work or he will run once again. This time, if he runs, you very well may not given him another chance. That's why he's still sitting on the fence...he knows he's not ready to return home. I know you want him home and back as a family member, but he's not ready by any means.

Take this time to heal and try to find your footing once again. Always remember, actions speak louder than words.

It is amazing how incredibly right you were. He stuck it out for a year and a half and then ran. Now he's back and saying so many of the exact same things to me. How do I know for sure if my xh has done the work and is finally healthy enough to be a real relationship? I know you say that we will know when their crisis is over but I really thought (or at least wanted to believe) his crisis was ending 3 years ago and it wasn't. I'm hearing some of the same exact words from him this time and seeing some of the same actions. When it comes to my xh, I'm not sure if it will be so obvious.

I've already let him back into my life more than ever thought I would. This time around I need to think with my head instead of my heart so it is understandable that I keep coming back to this question..Can I trust this man not to run again?

Any thoughts?

[beatrice]

Upside - although our MLC spouses are very different, I feel that yours, like mine, wants to come back at a very deep level, but still hasn't got a clue what to do.

They haven't sorted themselves out, but they long for their old life. It isn't a question of us keeping the path clear, in this case, i believe, but of recognising that they have to figure this one out.

I don;t even know why I think my xh wants to return to his family - his words say one thing and his actions suggest that he is very conflicted.

Your spouse is saying the words but can't follow through with the actions.

I am sitting quietly and getting one with my life. Much of this amuses me, sometimes it upsets me, and other times i wish he was on mars, but mostly life is pretty good! MLC notwithstanding.

[job]

Upside,
Actions speak louder than words. He's got to prove to you that he's in this reconnection for the long haul. I would date him for a period of time and see where it goes. He would definitely have to earn your trust and you will need to keep your expectations at zero at all times. Learn to accept him for the man he is today. The man you loved and knew pre-crisis is gone and if he's completed or nearly completed his crisis, he's going to be a mature and yet different man. The new him may even keep some of the mlc traits that he picked up along the way, i.e., they could be good or bad. Time will tell on this one.

I would suggest that if you continue to allow him back into your world, that you try to think of him as a new person and just have a bit of fun and enjoy his company. You can still observe him from a distance...but his actions must be true.

Take things slowly, don't rush the relationship. After all, it's a new beginning for both of you, if his actions prove to you that he's wanting to reconcile and he means it.

Good luck!

[Upside]

bea-Our xh's do seem similar yet different and I don't know who has it worse...your xh gets angry and spews and mine tells me how much he misses me but hasn't been able to follow through. Either way, it hasn't been very much fun. If they don't want to be a real part of our lives and be happy, then they should just leave us alone. Maybe they just want to make sure we are as miserable as they are.

Snodderly-Thank you and I hear you loud and clear...don't rush this and let my xh prove himself if he can. Start this out like we are just dating for the first time. At the moment I think I can handle that.

Sometimes I just get a little ahead of myself because he says so many of the right words and he's not really a smooth talker if you know what I mean. It can be hard to understand how someone can seemingly be sincere in apologies and confessions of love but yet not be able to recommit to the relationship. The last time he came back we were about 4 years into his crisis and he seemed sincere in the beginning however something still wasn't right when he didn't stop the divorce. A year and a half later after the divorce was final, he was gone again claiming he was angry because of some supposed hearsay which allegedly took place around 7-8 years prior to him leaving again.

I just keep trying to find if there is anything different this time around compared to the last. As far as I can remember from the last time, there are slight differences in him...he seems like he's trying to be more honest and open. He claims he understands that he needs to give and not just take in the relationship and he appears to be making some effort to follow through...and he has apologized. But I have to say though that the biggest difference is in me. For the most part, I have reluctant to reconnect this time where as last time, I was anxious for a reconciliation. I truly was done and happy on my own. Now I'm trying to see if the pieces of this puzzle can still fit together...while staying happy and sane...regardless of the outcome.

We just have to wait to see what happens.

[Upside]

I haven't had much time to post lately but for the last 4 or 5 months, my xh and I have been spending a lot of time together.
He seems so much more like the man I married but yet tells me that I have changed. I suppose I have...how can you make it through something like this without massive amounts a self-reflection and growth! No matter what happens, I'll be fine.

Good for you UP!
I am actually not that surprised by this.

Please let us know as more time goes by.

Hi Cadet-I didn't want to hijack peace's thread so I'll bring this one back again.

The last 7+ years of my life has been the craziest rollercoster. Just when I thought I was getting off this ride there were still a few twists and turns left for me...

I've now been "hanging out" again with my XH for 6 or 7 months and so far things have been pretty nice. It took me a little while figure out that we weren't going to have an instant relationship again...not sure I wanted that anyway. I guess I've learned to just appreciate the moments and to keep my expectations low...and somewhere along the way my XH and I seem to have reconnected. He says he's happy and talks long term but there has been no talk of remarriage. The thought of it frightens me anyway. So for now I'm trying to appreciate what each day brings and let go of all the pain from the past. My XH has been becoming more kind, caring and generous as each day passes. I do finally feel that we are "back together" and, in the very little R talk we've had, he has confirmed he feels the same way. As Job had said, you'll know when it is a real reconnection and I do believe this is it.

I still have a few trust issue but now, for the most part, I trust myself and know this relationship for as long as it lasts is a bonus to my life. I've learned to count my blessing today since there is no guarantee they'll be there tomorrow...remarriage won't even guarantee it.

I will try to continue to appreciate the mutual respect and caring that my XH and I have found for each other again and try not to lose sight of all the lessons I have learned throughout this journey. I will always thankful for all the sage advice I got from this board when I needed it the most.

Cadet-How are you? What's new with you? Your kind words and support truly helped me and many others through this mess.

[Cadet]

He says he's happy and talks long term but there has been no talk of remarriage. The thought of it frightens me anyway. So for now I'm trying to appreciate what each day brings and let go of all the pain from the past. My XH has been becoming more kind, caring and generous as each day passes. I do finally feel that we are "back together" and, in the very little R talk we've had, he has confirmed he feels the same way. As Job had said, you'll know when it is a real reconnection and I do believe this is it.

I still have a few trust issue but now, for the most part, I trust myself and know this relationship for as long as it lasts is a bonus to my life. I've learned to count my blessing today since there is no guarantee they'll be there tomorrow...remarriage won't even guarantee it.

I will try to continue to appreciate the mutual respect and caring that my XH and I have found for each other again and try not to lose sight of all the lessons I have learned throughout this journey. I will always thankful for all the sage advice I got from this board when I needed it the most.

Cadet-How are you? What's new with you? Your kind words and support truly helped me and many others through this mess.

Thanks for the update and I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

I am doing fine, life is certainly an adventure and living it to its fullest is the best that we can ask for.

[Hearts Blessing]

The last 7+ years of my life has been the craziest rollercoster. Just when I thought I was getting off this ride there were still a few twists and turns left for me...

I've now been "hanging out" again with my XH for 6 or 7 months and so far things have been pretty nice. It took me a little while figure out that we weren't going to have an instant relationship again...not sure I wanted that anyway. I guess I've learned to just appreciate the moments and to keep my expectations low...and somewhere along the way my XH and I seem to have reconnected. He says he's happy and talks long term but there has been no talk of remarriage. The thought of it frightens me anyway. So for now I'm trying to appreciate what each day brings and let go of all the pain from the past. My XH has been becoming more kind, caring and generous as each day passes. I do finally feel that we are "back together" and, in the very little R talk we've had, he has confirmed he feels the same way. As Job had said, you'll know when it is a real reconnection and I do believe this is it.

He's continuing to grow, change and become--but so are you, Upside. You two are coming together as time goes on, getting to know each other again, and that can only be a good thing.

I've come by from time to time, hunted up your threads to see how you were, and hoped things were going all right for you.

The situation looks really good, Upside.

I still have a few trust issue but now, for the most part, I trust myself and know this relationship for as long as it lasts is a bonus to my life. I've learned to count my blessing today since there is no guarantee they'll be there tomorrow...remarriage won't even guarantee it.

Time will help with some of your trust issues, as time heals all wounds. However, transparency on his part, and continued consistency in his behavior toward you will go a long way toward restoring your broken trust.

Like you said, what's more important is that you trust yourself, and you've learned to focus on what's here and now, with the understanding that the future will take care of itself.

You've come a long way, and so has your husband.

I will try to continue to appreciate the mutual respect and caring that my XH and I have found for each other again and try not to lose sight of all the lessons I have learned throughout this journey. I will always thankful for all the sage advice I got from this board when I needed it the most.

You'll find it's the little things that matter the most, and these little things will lead into the bigger things that will surely come in time.

You two are starting over within a time of a new beginning--just take it one step at a time, one day at a time--you'll be fine.

Forging a new connection that eventually leads into a renewal, rebuilding, and eventually into reconciliation really does start out with what seems to be the smallest of things, but little by little, each effort becomes a major building block that helps build into a more solid relationship in the future.

We all have to start somewhere, we learn to take a chance, because, hey, if we don't, we will never know what could be.

I think everything will be just fine. I was very glad to read your update.

Blessings to both you and your husband--may your future be a bright one.

((hugs))

Much love,
HB

[Upside]

I'm sure there aren't many on this board that will remember me. As you can see on this thread, it's been several years since I posted. This has been such a long journey. So here's the recap...my H's MLC started 10 years ago! Wow!!! He left me in Feb. 2007 and couldn't decide what it was he wanted so I pushed for a divorce thinking that would bring him to his senses. The D was final Dec. 2010 even though at the time we were somewhat back together at the time. My H left me again in May 2011. At that point, I was done and moved on with my life. In the summer of 2013, my then XH started to find excuses to have contact with me. I hesitately started seeing him again and tried not to have any expectations. We ended up spending more and more time together, then living together again and then, this past weekend, we were remarried.

Ten years ago when I came to this forum, I was a mess and in disbelief. It took a long time for me to listen to the advice I was given but, ultimately, so much of what l learned here became my mantra. What I learned here helped me gain the strength to move on. What I learned here helped me forgive him and myself.

It's been a long journey to get to this happier place we're at so, I'm doing my best to appreciate each day because there are no guarantees that tomorrow will be as happy as today. We all need to focus on our blessings even if they are sometimes hard to find. Even going through this experience was as disguised blessing because it helped find my strength and self worth. i was devistated when my husband left me but our relationship now seems to hav a much better foundation...I hope and pray it stays that way but, in the event it doesn't, I got pretty good at picking myself up and dusting myself off.

I wish everyone on this MLC journey peace, strength and the ability to find the silver lining.

[job]

I remember you. Your journey has been a long one, but you learned the lessons along the way and saved yourself and now, a new relationship has been created out of the ashes of the MLC destruction.

Upside, I wish you and your h all the happiness in the world.