The kids act just fine, in fact the 2 younger ones fight less.... The "vibe" in the house is good and calmer. They miss her but haven't said much. And she does call them every couple of days...I havent seen them initiate any contact, but I'm at work all day.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm glad things are going well for you and your sons. Sometimes you don't notice how much tension was in the home until the mlcing spouse is out on their own.
Sounds like you and the boys are now making the home a more comfortable and enjoyable place to be, i.e., you are decorating it the way that you want and are comfortable w/it. I like that!
Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
T, Great to hear that things are going well one week in. I haven't been of the mind to post much about my sitch, but have continued to follow yours after all the help and inspiration you provided to me. It seems to me that the "sanity after the storm" in your house is a sign that you really had done everything in your power to move forward with your W and that you really were out of options (it seems to me from observation that many people think they are at that point, but you REALLY were).
Good for you with the obvious bonds you are building with your kids. Tough to go through this without tearing down W, which really hurts the kids, and you haven't done that. This will really pay off for you and especially for your kids, whatever direction this thing takes for you. Again, good for you.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Things are going awesomely...busy, some stressors and such, but the clarity that has come since she moved out is amazing.
Being very mindful of re-writing history, some realizations have emerged. One of them being, given her emotional and mental health past, IF she wants to come home, will she be able or even willing to do the work on herself?
And would I be able to TRUST it? I think maybe that TRUST issue is at the heart of a lot of WAS turning into WAS...that the spouse can/is TRULY changing and doing the work. They don't trust that they can/are, that the spouse and things will revert back.
Well, at least those are my thoughts the little time I spend thinking about her or the sitch. I trust myself, but question now if I want to devote anymore time to this, now that I am living life pretty much with out her, and rather liking it, the peace, the sanity, I am amazed at how hard she makes life for herself.
All the stress and negativity flowed right out the door after her. Even the boys have said things about it. And, even she has..."I moved out to get away from stress and now my work and roommate are creating stress...or am I by how I think?"
So it looks like the "things I need to see" from her are growing.
And CB, I haven't torn her down at all, and will not, I am at a place where I just feel sad for her...I have processed a bit of residual anger, and hurt, but that is MY stuff to own and deal with.
So, life continues to be great...the boys are ALL stepping up...they amaze me, so proud of them...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Just stopped by for a second and caught this. I'm happy for you, T. You're awesome!
I'm glad you're being careful to not rewrite history. Easy thing to do. Many will to help with the pain. Of course, you have the benefit of seeing how well that works from a different vantage point
Can I make a suggestion? If. If she decides to move back - give it a lot of thought. And make sure that you see the changes in her before you let her. She has a way to go yet to really internalize the things she is learning. I can tell you that the second leaving is harder than the first. And besides, if she does want to come back to the relationship (not just the way things were or the house), dating your W can be a lot of fun. It can be a great way to start a new R with her. But that's harder if she is under the same roof, with the same pressures of family etc that she didn't deal with very well the first time around.
Glad the boys are doing well! And that you are doing well.
Take care,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you AJ...and trust me...TONS of thought will go into any decision, lol!! I have noticed the difference on her days when she comes to the house visit the kids...the negative/chaotic energy is so palpable...
Quote:
And besides, if she does want to come back to the relationship (not just the way things were or the house),
^^^ is a REQUIREMENT... lol
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sounds good Mr T, what an awesome DB role model you have been!
Ditto.
I think you are pretty amazing T. What's cool about these boards, at least for me, is how we can take different things and learn from each other.
I've taken some specifics things from your situation.
Mainly, I've admired your calm patience. This is a skill I lack. You have shown such restraint and focus. T, you seem like someone who gets the job done, whatever it is, without complaint. You look at what's directly in front of you instead of what could be ahead. I get all caught up in the What Ifs and so forth. I also admire your maturity. You don't seem to resort to petty getbacks.
Seems like you're really good at NOT taking all of this personally.
I know a lot of work went into developing all the above DB skills. Just wanted you to know how I respect that and it doesn't go unnoticed.
Again, your wife truly doesn't see the treasure she is pushing away. You are most definitely someone only a fool would leave.
And, maybe that's the ultimate lesson for us all. If I stop making it personal and take the higher road, that's when it all becomes painfully obvious how flawed and broken these MLC-ers are.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm catching up on some of my old friends threads. Sounds like you are doing well. I was thinking about you because something amazing happened here.
My boys moved to the mainland one last July one last October. So I made two trips out to visit them and took each of them a cat. Which left me with only one cat, who basically lived outside and acted like she hated us for the past 6 years. She moved back into the house about a month ago. She sleeps on top of me, and is back to being as loveable and sweet as she used to be. 6 years ago!
Anyway people aren't cats. But I thought you would enjoy hearing I got my cat back!
Aloha! keep taking good care of yourself!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
That's awesome about your cat Wendy!!! So happy for you.
Thank you Heather, long road from 2 years ago, eh? And I am still admonished to "Not get ahead of myself" lol
FY, as job predicted, she's learning a lot about how the real world works. She has expressed new found understanding for things like "I understand now why you were tired and just wanted to relax after work all these years"
She has also my some BIG self-discoveries, she has shared many of them with me, so she is doing work.
Where this leads? Don't know, and I am not going to speculate, June will come soon enough, and I am just too busy living MY life to get ahead of myself. I seriously just want to enjoy this time and not let futurizing detract from it.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
