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LaPoo #2443886 04/07/14 04:26 PM
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Hi Train
no one deserves this sort of treatment

I don't know how intelligent people can lie and live so comfortably with themselves..

You were a good wife.. I was a good wife.. my h even said so..he said we had good times but he doesn't want to talk about them
at all
What is interesting is my crimes keep shifting..in 6 months there have been at least 5 shifts..
I willingly acknowledge my part.. he sees his part as being too nice !!!
So now he is mean and miserable

except he was better this weekend.. and he pursued a R talk that I did not want to have.

he wanted me to sign a form to do with banking I said i did not trust him and would sign once some other papers were ready.. he looked ready to be angry.. raised the issue of trust.. between us.. I wanted to say.. let us just discuss trust on the basis of the last 6 months...
but me poking at his sore points does not help me to achieve my goal.. so i did n't.

Chin up train there is no happy way to endure this experience I think.. it hurts..


M 10 T 14

BD 10/13
I really don't get it..
Joined: Mar 2014
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Thank you, Starsky, so, so, so much for that.

I think sometimes I get so bogged down in marriage-saving books and rituals that I allow myself to start believing that somehow I wasn't enough. And obviously I *wasn't* "enough." But: enough for *what*?

Would I ever be able to fully recover from all this? The affair, alone, is hard enough to deal with. But all the hurtful things being said - I mean, he flat-out says her name in front of me now ... while still occasionally slipping up and calling me "honey" - are just piling it on even more.

I'm just questioning everything I say or DON'T say and every move I make - or DON'T make. I know I have to work through all this. And I'm not going to do it without making mistakes along the way. I also know things will be easier once H has his own place to take the kids to. He's having to work around his friend's work/sleep schedule right now, which means he either has to drag the kids all over town all day on Sunday or he spends time here. I knew I should have left yesterday - and I had PLANNED to be gone. I'd been gone each time he stopped by here this week. But I was SO tired yesterday; it's getting EXHAUSTING to do this. I don't want to tell him to "stay away" - and I have several reasons for that. Mainly, I've been legally advised not to rock the boat while he's still paying the mortgage. But yesterday, he was here, working on finishing an outdoor project with S7. And while I kept my distance as much as possible, I got sucked into a conversation I didn't want to have and wasn't prepared to have. This is like a never-ending tango dance. The good news is: I only have to actively fight it one day a week. So I guess my plan should be to MAKE SURE I don't GAL so much on Saturday nights (like I did this weekend) that I'm too tired to GAL outside the house on Sunday.

As far as H's friend stopping by, yes, God's timing is perfect. This guy is 10 years younger but emotionally much more mature than H. He left without leaving the tool here, even though I told him H would be here yesterday to pick up the kids. He said he thought he'd hang onto it. He said no one (besides me) will call H out on his bullsh!t (which is TRUE), but *he* will. I told him not to bother; no one can change him or make him see the err of his ways.

This is H's path. But you know what is bothering me so badly? I think it is SO unfair that H gets to cheat and be so hateful and so indecisive, yet he KNOWS he has a heart to come home to, even when I'm GAL and detaching; he knows me THAT well. How insulting is it that he would say to OW, "I've got to go home." He should be wondering IF he has a home to eventually come home to! Why is it that I love him even after all he's done but I've done *nothing* to have deserved THIS particular thing, and I'm having to clamor for HIS love? I'm exhausting myself by "GAL" and staying away and mentally figuring out my next course of action and reading every book and every article I can to figure this crap out.

It just doesn't make any sense. And it makes me feel like such a dumba$s loser.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2443897 04/07/14 04:39 PM
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Thank you, Lou and LaPoo. (That rhymes.) laugh

My H definitely sees me as strong. I think sometimes he sees me as TOO strong and independent. But he knows I have a big, tender heart. And he's beating it all to he!l.

You guys are awesome support. It always makes my day to get some feedback and positive ju-ju here. Thinking of you all. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2443902 04/07/14 04:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
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You are Not a loser! You know what H is losing out on by not ending the A w/OW. Time to change the way you view yourself in this situation. Time to put as much energy into loving yourself as you do with worrying about H and OW. Time to turn the focus point on yourself. GAL can be hard sometimes, but you can do it. Remember to act as if and soon it will come natural. You are not a doormat to be trampled upon.

LaPoo #2443904 04/07/14 04:53 PM
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Easier said than done, eh? But I'm gonna try. wink Thank you!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2444263 04/08/14 08:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2013
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Agreed all this advice is easier said than done,...
I find the advice makes me too hopeful.. expectations too high..

almost magic.. if I get all the parts of the spell right then the magic will work..

The arriving at their ex home and acting like it is still home.. I hate that.. lulls me into a sense of security. Seems like life as it was before.
I was acting as if ...and my husband called me on it said you are acting as if nothing has happened..
I am sure there is advice somewhere about not letting the WAS think you are a sure thing always available. I have not been able to do that. ? He knows me..the core of me..
Maybe one day.. but not yet...


M 10 T 14

BD 10/13
I really don't get it..
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