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I'm glad you had a good day. laugh

Originally Posted By: KGirl
I'm kind of excited about aspects of moving. I'm picking out new bedding, a TV stand, stools for the kitchen island.. there are some positives! And I can pick out whatever I want and don't have to ask for permission or make sure they like it, too


Good way to look at the bright side. I've changed some things in my house since my H moved out--new bedding, a new reading chair in the office, and new artwork. All were things that I bought simply because I liked them, without regard to what he would think at all. FTR, he hates the chair, but that almost makes it better wink

hope456 #2447047 04/20/14 02:39 PM
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Freaking out a little here...
I asked H about signing the document referenced earlier (all things he had verbally agreed to re: paying the mortgage, equity, bills, etc.) since I'm scheduled to sign my new lease tomorrow. He says... "I don't know if I want to sign it, it sounds very official and legal, how do I know you're not screwing me over somehow?" Where did that come from? Everything in there is what he already told me he would do to be fair and amicable. It probably sounds official because I was a legal studies major in college and took a lot of law classes, even ones with the law school students. I'm stepping away for a bit because I'm really upset right now. Trying to figure out if it's worth making him sign something. It's not really enforceable anyways, more just to make sure we're clear so a month from now he doesn't say "what? I don't know what you're talking about, I never said I'd do that." Sigh. If he wants us to be separated so badly why is he making this harder?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2447048 04/20/14 02:44 PM
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He said he would sign it when it was a nebulous thing in the future. Now that you're asking he's being careful, which isn't a bad thing. I would do the same. Encourage him to seek advice and see what happens.

Can you not put a judgment on what he's doing? He's not making it harder, just taking care of him and sometimes that doesn't jive with what we want. I know it's hard. Don't make this bigger than it is. smile

What would you do if you were in his shoes?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2447055 04/20/14 03:04 PM
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I see what you are saying, labug. It's just kind of last-minute for him to seek advice and make sure he's protecting himself. He had lots of time when we were discussing this to do this, and now when it's the zero hour he's questioning it. I'm nervous about signing my lease without this in place. I suppose I could delay signing it until later in the week... or maybe he will think more about it today and decide to sign it. I'll have to just keep an open mind, stay calm, and know that nothing that happens will be life-ending. I'll know if he doesn't pay the mortgage and it could be addressed at that time. I will not lose my equity no matter what happens. If the utility bills aren't paid, well... I won't be the one in the dark/with no water. Ultimately it's just money, and nothing that's happening is going to bankrupt me or put me out on the street. The money can be re-earned and re-saved.

KGirl #2447058 04/20/14 03:19 PM
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Read your response again, do you see that control in the form of KGirl's Rule for Life slipping in.

smile I see it so clearly because I had the same Rules.

The rest of your post-awesome working through your anxiety. Keep that spirit!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2447311 04/22/14 01:28 AM
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Lease is signed - I will pick up my keys June 1, but since that's a Sunday and I can't take off work Monday, I'll move the following weekend. I consider it a success that I signed all of the paperwork without breaking down into tears smile

My goals for the next 6-7 weeks are:

-Make sure I've identified/found all items, including electronic docs and digital pics, that I want to make sure I take with me and have copies of, as if I'm not coming back.

-Don't take junk with me just to take it. Only pack things that I can actually use in my apartment.

-Maintain a positive attitude in front of H - cheerful, but don't initiate conversation. Try my best to leave H with the best impression of me possible smile

-Con't to figure out what I want to work on about myself and what concrete actions I can take towards personal improvement. Continue GAL, stay busy, keep pondering and addressing codependency-related issues, etc.

-Listen to H and validate without arguing or trying to prove him wrong. Try to be reasonable when dividing things but hold my ground on things that are important or have sentimental value to me.

Any other thoughts or feedback? I need to keep visualizing the actual move and being in a new place (I should have taken pictures, all I have is a floor plan to look at!) so that when it happens I can hopefully do it calmly and confidently, without sobbing in the middle of move-in. I will ask H to be gone that day so that it's just me and some good friends around.

H keeps engaging me like a friend and it's hard to detach when he does this. He asks to cook meals together, gives me updates on his family, tells me about TV shows and other things he's experienced, let me know tomorrow is his 1 year anniversary at his current job...all kinds of things that feel like "before" conversation. I have to keep telling myself that it's just him being friends, it means nothing... trying not to have any expectations. If anything changes it will take a long time after I leave for it to happen, so I just have to have patience and be in this for the long haul.

KGirl #2447406 04/22/14 02:57 PM
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Did he sign the agreement?

Have you told him you're moving?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2447460 04/22/14 04:43 PM
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He knows I'm moving. He didn't sign the agreement. I gave it to him Friday to review, said I was signing my lease Monday, I asked him on Sunday to sign it which is when he balked. Hence me feeling like it was the zero hour. I texted him Monday morning saying "I'm supposed to sign my lease tonight after work. Do you agree to pay the mortgage like we discussed?" And he texted back yes. That's all the peace of mind I got. How long do I wait before asking again for him to sign it? Or is it too late? He says he doesn't want to be nagged in general/that is one of his complaints about me, but he didn't bring it up yesterday. If I ask again tonight am I being too pushy?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2447463 04/22/14 04:52 PM
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Save your text messages.

Don't bring it up right away, you're not moving until June. Asking for a business agreement isn't pushy. The real question is, would his not signing change your plans to move?

As you said, the agreement isn't enforceable so his signing or not only has value to you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2447582 04/23/14 12:46 AM
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I ended up with those same conclusions. It's really only to make me feel better since it's not enforceable. He has more to lose from it than I do (because not paying the mortgage in full will hurt him as well as me, whereas the equity issue can only benefit me based on the law). And either way, I'm going to move. What WOULD change things is if I found that he wasn't making the mortgage payment or only part of it (I can check the payment history online), in which case I'd take some legal action immediately.

I was trying to find the TED talk that MWD gave earlier in the month, and instead came across this article...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michele-weinerdavis/the-truth-about-emotional_b_1958709.html
This makes so much sense to me, and is EXACTLY what I've been trying to tell H, but he doesn't see it that way. I kind of want to send it to him because maybe if it's from a third party, and in writing, he'd understand better. But, maybe I shouldn't send it because it's pursuing-like behavior, and it's only relevant to share if he actually becomes interested in rebuilding/saving our M. Thoughts? If nothing else reading it helped solidify that I wasn't being crazy or overbearing with how I felt about the situation.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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