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KGirl #2444874 04/11/14 01:41 AM
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Went to IC this morning. 7:00am is a rough time to do that and then go to work. Work has just been so busy lately I can't find time during it to squeeze it in or leave early. Some questions I'm still pondering after that, advice/thoughts welcome, please:

-Earlier I had posted that the last time H and I talked about "us", he said he wanted to go to IC to help him figure out what to do. I had told my IC about it last time we met, and today he asked if H had started or set anything up. I said I didn't know because I didn't ask and then he wrote something in his notes... hmm. Should I ask H about it or no? We never discussed anything like "will you let me know when you start?"

-Where is the line between "People make mistakes, it's good to forgive them and move on and not hold it over their heads" vs. "When people make a LOT of mistakes, you should keep that pattern in mind and protect yourself in the future.. or maybe never forgive them/not have them in your life so you don't get hurt?" I struggle with this. It's hard for me to know if I'm overreacting re: past things with H, or if I should heed it as a warning going forward. H has always told me in the past I need to forgive and forget things he's done, that they're not a big deal. I don't know if my thoughts and feelings are valid or over the top.

-If I move out, am I just continuing the pattern of "fixing" or taking care of things for H by initiating things (in this case, "taking care of" separating/D-related actions)? Does staying break that pattern? Or does it make no difference?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2444881 04/11/14 01:52 AM
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I think you moving out falls in the category of YOU taking care of YOU.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
artsy #2444887 04/11/14 02:21 AM
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KGirl ,

I agree with Artsy. I will also say that some folks love to talk about " planning to go to therapy." Many of those same folks (I don't want to make a broad sweeping generalization) never go because they don't want to face their issues. Why? Because a) they don't like the idea of having issues (even though we all do ) B) they struggle with being honest which is key in getting benefits of therapy and C) they are unwilling to put in the work on themselves. I'm not saying your h is any of those.

I'm a fixer too. I will no longer do that. Nope. Nada. It's a waste of energy because we can only fix ourselves. You know that too. When it comes to forgiveness, that is for you. I do feel it isn't healthy to carry around anger and animosity. However , forgiveness is a process and you need to feel all of your emotions. Don't push those down.

Keep focusing on you. Only your h can fix himself.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
KGirl #2444979 04/11/14 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: KGirl
Went to IC this morning. 7:00am is a rough time to do that and then go to work. Work has just been so busy lately I can't find time during it to squeeze it in or leave early. Some questions I'm still pondering after that, advice/thoughts welcome, please:

-Earlier I had posted that the last time H and I talked about "us", he said he wanted to go to IC to help him figure out what to do. I had told my IC about it last time we met, and today he asked if H had started or set anything up. I said I didn't know because I didn't ask and then he wrote something in his notes... hmm. Should I ask H about it or no? We never discussed anything like "will you let me know when you start?"

-Where is the line between "People make mistakes, it's good to forgive them and move on and not hold it over their heads" vs. "When people make a LOT of mistakes, you should keep that pattern in mind and protect yourself in the future.. or maybe never forgive them/not have them in your life so you don't get hurt?" I struggle with this. It's hard for me to know if I'm overreacting re: past things with H, or if I should heed it as a warning going forward. H has always told me in the past I need to forgive and forget things he's done, that they're not a big deal. I don't know if my thoughts and feelings are valid or over the top.

-If I move out, am I just continuing the pattern of "fixing" or taking care of things for H by initiating things (in this case, "taking care of" separating/D-related actions)? Does staying break that pattern? Or does it make no difference?


I join the chorus, but with a lightly different tune, he's not yours to fix, never was, never will be. He will either change or he won't and it really has nothing to do with you.

Whether or not H goes to IC is his problem. If he had started and wanted you to know, he would tell you.

You're working really hard to find YOU, stay on that path. Your H is in your life for a reason and maybe you unearthing you is that reason. I still see a lot of fear in you.

Why do you think that is?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2445100 04/11/14 10:31 PM
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There are certainly a lot of things I'm afraid of/scared of. So, here goes digging into that...the bold points are the first things that pop into my head, the rest is thinking about what it ACTUALLY is behind that thought that is uncomfortable or upsetting.

1. I'm scared that if I move out, it's the beginning of the end. It will lead H to D and there'll be no chance of getting back together.
What is it I'm REALLY afraid of? What is scary?
-H will realize he is in fact happier without me and I don't want him to think that.
-I will be the one who made the D happen and I don't like that
If H is happier without me, that really isn't my concern, and better to figure that out than stay here trying to manipulate the situation. And the second point I know logically isn't true, even though my feelings feel differently.

2. I'm scared that if I move out, H will come around and we'll work things out in a few months, and now we have to pay a mortgage AND an apartment
What am I really afraid of?
-The cost. I guess that's still valid though we could find a subleaser. And wouldn't it be worth it if that was the end result - that things worked out?
-I'll be really angry at H that he put me through all of this just to change his mind. I'm fearful of never being able to trust him again, or trying to but holding it over his head indefinitely. Or that it will make me so angry I'll just say no, I'm done, I went through this effort to separate myself and I'm too embarrassed or stubborn or who knows what to go back on it. I guess I have control over how I feel, and who knows how I may feel months from now.
-He will date someone else and then want to come back, and I don't know how or if I'd be able to cope with that, particularly if I didn't date or sleep with anyone. Even if he says he hasn't, I don't know that I'd be able to believe him. Since we are each other's only adult relationship and only physical partners, the idea just crushes me. Like my H said.. in some ways the history makes it easier.. but in other ways harder. Dating someone else, though, who has been with other people in some way seems easier.. I guess because they came into my life after that point, rather than before.

3. I fear being alone/divorce in general
What am I really afraid of?
-New things. It's safer and more familiar to be with someone I've known for so long/most of my adult life, than to start over.
-Failure. Like I failed in keeping this marriage together - it didn't even make it 3 years. But logically I know this isn't about me or my lack of effort or commitment.
-Disappointment and disappointing others. I feel bad for all the friends/family who bought us wedding gifts, planned the wedding, helped us move, and bought stuff for our house. I feel like they wasted their time and energy on us and it makes me sad. I'm sure they do not feel that way (in fact, people have TOLD me they do not feel that way) but I still feel that sadness. And I know it should NOT factor into any decisions or actions I take, logically.
-That I made a poor choice and distrust my judgment about such choices in the future. Some of this stuff I've always known about H. I just thought he would grow out of it or be different as he got older. Poor assumption to make on my part.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2445101 04/11/14 10:39 PM
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Grr, wish we could edit! Forgot a key piece under point #1:
-H will think I really don't care about our M/don't love him anymore, and therefore move forward with D. Again, I know this is not a founded fear. And I could always say something to make it clear before I leave in DB spirit, I'd imagine, something like, "Divorce is still not the solution that I want, but I accept your thoughts on the situation. Given that, I think it's best for me to have my own physical space to take care of myself. You can always get in touch with me if you want to talk."


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2445146 04/12/14 02:34 AM
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KGirl,

I love the way you wrote this next to last post. It really shoes how you are thinking and trying to process everything.

In regards to #1, your h will do what he decides to do. You can't control what he thinks. You need to take care of you and be happy with or with out him. Because the reality is that he's not acting like the man you married right now is he?

I did want to comment on something you wrote in number 2. You are afraid you won't be able to trust your h again. Can I ask you something? Do you trust him now? If you do, why? He has said he is done and wants to be friends. Logically, we all know that isn't really a true switch to go from "my husband is my best friend" to "still best friends and no longer husband." That's his caca to figure out- not yours. My h said that too and I would never be friends or trust someone who behaves the way he does now.

And don't worry about what other people think. You can't control that either. Maybe someone didn't like the dress you wore at your wedding or the cake you served. Too freaking bad. That's not your problem. You aren't a failure.

You are working really hard on figuring out what's important to you. Keep it up!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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K Girl ,

I just realized we had BD on the same day. It was a caca day. However , you are on your way:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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GB - something special about the Sunday before holiday season starts, I guess, that prompted them to tell all? wink and to add to it, my birthday was about a week afterwards... for which he still got me a present O_o And I know he didn't buy it in advanced of BD, 'cause he showed me a picture of it on the internet and asked me if I liked it before ordering it!

I sure don't trust him right now (to his surprise... when I asked about putting in writing what the financial situation would be if I moved and having him sign it, he was incredulous that I didn't trust him on that.) So I guess it's more about the likelihood of regaining that trust. Really, though, I think I'd have to be MORE trusting than I was even before BD for this to work. Honestly, I don't know if I've trusted H in a looong time as much as I should or what would be healthy in an M. It goes back to the multiple times he's broken that trust, and never been what I saw as apologetic or sympathetic enough. I'd get a "I'm sorry you are upset BUT..." followed by some justification. "It's just what guys do." "it's how I felt at the time." "We weren't technically together." "I have to take this job I was offered." (that one just popped into my head... he knew after graduation I was going to graduate school in the same city we'd been living in, but took a job two hours away.) I mean, the guy gave me a promise ring freshman year of college, broke up with me senior year, and then didn't understand why I refused to wear it when we got back together. It represented a promise that he couldn't follow through on. So, I'm pretty scared that it will never be possible to rebuild trust if we continue to disconnect/lead lives where we know less and less about each other. How do you come back from being "dumped" multiple times? When are there too many strikes?

And yes, that's why I could not be friends with him. For one, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is acting the way he does - walking out on a relationship with no effort and little explanation. For two, why would I want to put myself through things like conversations about new GFs or Ws or who knows what? For three (getting a bit ahead of ourselves but...), if I have a future BF or H, it's probably not real fair to him to have my XH hanging around as a good friend.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2445156 04/12/14 03:01 AM
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My birthday was week before BD. Fa la la la la...,

Hang in there:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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