KGirl con't #3

[KGirl]

Last thread was over the limit: (thread here)

I haven't been around this board in a couple of days - staying busy on the weekend helps! I realized I was kind of obsessively checking it (we're talking on the bus to work, throughout the day at work, on the bus home from work, etc.) and doing so meant I was dwelling more on my situation and H, less on myself and making my life the best it can be! I'm vowing as of right now to no longer check during the workday.

I spent Sat. night overnight at my sister's - first time I wasn't in the house overnight since this all began. It was really refreshing to not have H around or wonder about him. Thoughts about him came up, of course (we were watching the Badgers play and sports things just remind me of him) but I was able to let them go quickly and not think about him as much. It helped confirm that I could be just fine on my own without H in my day-to-day life.

I've been thinking more about moving and next time in IC I want to talk more about the pros/cons and the emotions and fears I have regarding that. I told H yesterday "I've been thinking more seriously about moving out. If I were to do that, would you be willing to sign in writing that you will pay the mortgage in full and all the bills for the house once I move out, and that I am entitled to half of the equity as of the date I move out?" He said "yes, of course." I said "OK, that makes me feel better. I want to make sure I'm covered financially" ... to which he replied "well yeah, why would I do anything else?" Well, you also promised me you'd be with me for the rest of my life and you aren't following through on that so.. why should I trust you to follow through on a financial deal (I didn't say that part outloud!)

After that convo H's behavior got really strange. Offering to get me a drink from the Coke freestyle machine when he went to get food ("I have this coupon for a free drink, and I don't need it, but thought you'd want one 'cause you like the machines?"), talking about setting up this TV we bought on Black Friday but never set up because we put it "on hold" not knowing what was going to happen with us or the house, wishing me well visiting my sister, telling me I should call him if anything happens w/ my car (it's kinda junky so it wouldn't be unusual!) on my way to my sister's 'cause he'd come pick me up. I noted my sister didn't have HD TV so the game wouldn't be as good to watch.. he said "you could have invited her here!" Me: "I'd rather watch with someone who wants to watch it with me.." H: "I never said I didn't?" Me: "I'll rephrase: I'd rather hang out with someone during it that actually wants to spend time with me." No answer to that one.

When I was gone he made multiple facebook posts commentating on the Badger game.. this is someone who posts on facebook maybe once every two months. My sister noted that she posts more when she's lonely... so perhaps he was lonely. When I got back, comments to me about the game, about cleaning up the yard for spring, about the cat, showed me a picture of the cat being cute yesterday, etc. A lot of talking especially after what I said to him about moving out. Interesting, I guess?

[scooby]

Kgirl

Looks like you have changed the interaction and peeked his interest. Good job. It is nice to have them come back if only for just a little. I am in same boat as you living under same roof. Some moments I am holding on for my girls d7 and d5. My h is in mlc, so I have a very long road ahead.

Thanks for the encouragement and showing me it can be done

[KGirl]

Thanks, tld. It's hard to know if this means anything or it's just him "being friends.".. especially considering a week ago he told me his feelings have not changed since December, in terms of "probably" wanting a divorce.

The relationship conversation was actually really helpful - it solidified the idea that there really isn't anything I CAN do about H's indecision at this point in terms of convincing him or trying to "make" him see things differently. And, reminded me that I really don't want this type of person in my life right now and therefore I shouldn't consume so much time thinking about him. I've been snoop-free for almost a week and while I do sometimes wonder what my H is up to, it's not nearly as bad as when I'd find something and ruminate on it endlessly or be constantly checking his internet history/phone/coat pockets/briefcase. It's taken the focus off of him and on me. I also feel better having set some boundaries (no running errands together, I will not cook meals for him or pick things up for him). The thing that made me think more seriously about moving was actually buying groceries this weekend and putting my initials on them so he'd know they were mine and not eat them.. I mean, it's just crazy. Why am I having to initial my food? I'm not ready to move out tomorrow but knowing that I CAN as opposed to feeling stuck because DBing says "always stay in the house" just feels better, like I have choices.

People on here say that it's when the LBS really lets go that things change. I don't know that I've fully let go, but things are changing for me, and there's interesting behavior from H...

Today as I was walking up sidewalk coming home from work, he OPENED the front door for me. Before DB when I was having trouble extracting my keys from all my junk, I'd ring the doorbell and he'd come answer it. But he'd never watch for me and have it open for me. Curious.

Then, we had a confrontation about this pie. So I made a pie this weekend to take to my sister's and brought the leftovers home. I know I shouldn't eat half a banoffee pie by myself so I told H he was welcome to have TWO slices. Before I left today for the gym he said "I just might have to eat ALL the pie that's left.. we'll see what's left when you get home." I said "No, you can have two slices. That's it." He kept talking about the d*mn pie so finally I said, calmly, "I'd be happy to make pies and share them with someone who wanted to be my husband or partner. But right now, that's not you." :S I think that's against the DB rules.. but honestly.. he keeps pulling stuff like this like he can do whatever he wants. He just gave me a goofy look but then stopped talking about the pie, at least. Even if it wasn't the "correct" way to handle it, probably better than a few months ago where I'd give in to ANYTHING he asked in hopes that he'd like me more or want to work on things. No more!!

[hope456]

KGirl - How strange to be initialing your food in your own house! I get why, but I also get that it has to make you feel pretty uncomfortable. Other than the confrontation about the pie, you seem more at peace. Good work!

[labug]

KGirl, slow down. Do you see how much you're pressuring/guilting him?

What is he pulling?

You're doing a lot of mind-reading and that makes you think he's pulling something. It's all about interpretation.

Step back, create your life. If he wants to be a part of it, he will be.

[KGirl]

Bug, here is where I struggle - I don't feel like I can live my own life if we continue to live together. In order to move, I have to have some answers about the logistics. I could have just made plans, never said anything, and then one day said "H, I'm moving in a month, and I will not pay any of the mortgage, by the way" but that doesn't sound appropriate to spring on someone. I will take suggestions, really! I don't want to be pressuring but logistical and financial things need to be addressed, as well as boundaries set (like, I'm not preparing you food under these conditions).

[labug]

I should have been clearer, I haven't been here in several days and was reading it all at once and responding all at once.

I think the money talk was a good move for you. Now write it up and get him to sign.

The pressuring I referred to was here:

I noted my sister didn't have HD TV so the game wouldn't be as good to watch.. he said "you could have invited her here!" Me: "I'd rather watch with someone who wants to watch it with me.." H: "I never said I didn't?" Me: "I'll rephrase: I'd rather hang out with someone during it that actually wants to spend time with me."

and here,

"I'd be happy to make pies and share them with someone who wanted to be my husband or partner. But right now, that's not you."

What message were you trying to send?

[KGirl]

I understand. Not my finest moments there, I agree. What I was thinking was "There are consequences to your actions! You don't get to have my company or benefit from me when you want to divorce me!" I know people say over and over on here that I shouldn't do that, life will provide its own consequences for H, I guess I wanted to make it clear for him. Sigh. What I SHOULD be doing is not engaging in stuff like this and just ignoring it or making it clear through my actions, right? Or just get on moving so we don't have to interact about these types of things. With no kids there would be few reasons to talk or text. Gives him and me plenty of space to figure things out without the influence of the other person.

[labug]

What I SHOULD be doing is not engaging in stuff like this and just ignoring it or making it clear through my actions, right?

Yes.

Let go.

Have you read Tori's threads? Her story reminds me of yours.

See what you think Tori's Journey

[KGirl]

Thank you! Working on reading it right now while I digest the pizza buffet dinner I just ate. I went to dinner by myself and was fine...enjoyed it, even! And yesterday I went to a movie again by myself and chatted with the bartender beforehand (movie theaters with bars in them are great)... I can handle this "alone" thing. I really can. Before I forget, I just read this particular part and it really stuck out for me:

"My coach is amazing, by the way. Yesterday she asked me, what kind of financial question do you have for him? I said, "well, I want to tell him that he needs to lower his 401K contribution." She stopped me right there. "That's a wife! You want to collaborate. Tell him the situation and ask him what he thinks so he feels important." I never realized I was doing this. I was always the organizer, the one who knew how to handle things, and became a motherly figure. And I didn't realize I was still doing it! Go figure.
The coach told me is clear my H cares about me and is drawn to me, but he also wants to prove he is in control. He wants to prove he made a decision and he's carrying it through. "

Big deja vu there. So similar to what my H told me when we talked recently.. that he had made a decision and if he were to change it now, it would be like I "won" or "manipulated" him into doing it. Who knows what that means though. It could mean that if I work really hard to let go and leave him be, that then he'd change his mind "on his own" and it'd be OK.. or it could just mean that he won't change his mind because he needs to prove he can make a decision and stick with it no matter what I do. Either way, I just need to accept this is his decision at this point in time, and protect myself from getting too drawn in to his nice behavior. People tend to want the opposite of what they have, and sometimes I wish he did do something unforgivable or was really awful towards me so it'd be easier to not like him.