Upwards - Moving Fowards, Tiny Positive Steps

[Upwards]

Yesterday was my H reached 6mths "clean & serene" so I sent him a simple card to congratulate him, he text me this morning with the following:

Thanks for the card W, it means a lot. Do you want to go for something to eat to celebrate with the kids, i'll pay? x

So I replied:

Its ok you deserve it, i'm proud of what you've achieved. I would love to come for something to eat H & i'm sure the kids would too but I can't until your ready to respect my boundary x

Hope my reply was ok?

[ye21]

Hope my reply was ok?

Upwards Its important to set boundaries, also its important to show support, you did both, IMHO I would go with him to eat with the kids, that doesn't make anything "dangerous" and its a chance to have the kids in a family moment.

If you can go to eat something and avoid to talk about the R its fine, its different than go in a date with him, you will show him support, your kids will enjoy the company and you will encourage yourself showing you as stronger.

Its important for you to realize tho separate your R from family activities and also recognize his efforts, not to close yourself completelly, you understand?

[ye21]

Quote:
Its ok you deserve it, i'm proud of what you've achieved. I would love to come for something to eat H & i'm sure the kids would too but I can't until your ready to respect my boundary x

When you text something like that, the way you are showing yourself IMHO its with fear and also with expectations and for me the way to R should be, you do something "good" I get close to you, if you do something "bad" I push back, always pushing back might made him think continuously that he has to be "perfect" to have any chance with you, and that its very discouraging.

[Upwards]

When you text something like that, the way you are showing yourself IMHO its with fear and also with expectations and for me the way to R should be, you do something "good" I get close to you, if you do something "bad" I push back, always pushing back might made him think continuously that he has to be "perfect" to have any chance with you, and that its very discouraging.

I appreciate your reply Ye but i don't agree with you.

I don't see how that shows fear? I think setting a healthy boundary is about self respect, I don't expect him to be perfect, I just expect him to respect the fact that he shouldn't be in an emotional relationship (that has been physical) whilst married to me.

I'm not rewarding "good" behaviour, I think him cutting contact with the OW shows respect for me & is nothing to do with good/bad behaviour - I refuse to be on friends terms when he's still on contact with her, I refuse to put myself through that emotional pain continuously. If he wants to view it as discouraging then that his problem!

[ye21]

I'm not rewarding "good" behaviour, I think him cutting contact with the OW shows respect for me & is nothing to do with good/bad behaviour - I refuse to be on friends terms when he's still on contact with her, I refuse to put myself through that emotional pain continuously. If he wants to view it as discouraging then that his problem!

Oh oh oh ok , my bad here hehehe I tought that he had drop contact with OW thats why I was saying that, in that case I agree with you about that boundary

[Upwards]

Really struggling today, had a really emotional day & missing H a lot. It all seems so hopeless, I just keep wondering if I'm imagining all the positive stuff & whether I just need to accept its over & file for divorce.... I also cant understand why he values OW friendship more than mine that cuts deep!

[Tarheel]

Stay strong Upwards. As much as you'd like H to cut all contact with OW, he needs to do it on his terms. I've established the same boundary (thanks to you!) and I know that W/OM friendship will not just end overnight as much as I'd like it to. I think expressing our boundary wakes them up and forces them to make a decision on what's really important to them, but they need to feel that it's the right decision before making it. I'm right there with you!

[Upwards]

Thanks Tarheel, how you finding things?

I know that, I know he needs to do it himself & I know he's going through a process to do that, he's said his insecurities are stopping him as he's scared of being alone & having nobody to talk to. I wouldn't want to force him, it just hurts that by doing nothing he's actually choosing to cut contact with me.

I'm ill, tired & fed up I suppose

[Breakdown]

Really struggling today, had a really emotional day & missing H a lot. It all seems so hopeless, I just keep wondering if I'm imagining all the positive stuff & whether I just need to accept its over & file for divorce....

Remember, this is a marathon. When to quit or move on is an individual choice, but it does get easier. There are folks here that have literally been DBing for years.

You are going to have good days and bad, and that's ok. Just be good to yourself.

I also cant understand why he values OW friendship more than mine that cuts deep!

A little mind-reading there....you don't know that he values OW more than you.

Couple of things to consider here. First, usually when someone says they are done, they have been thinking about it a LONG time. Once they get to that point, they don't do a 180 easily, or quickly. Second, usually an OP is multiple things....easy, exciting, fun. Very difficult to give that up. And yes, long term, it probably wouldn't be any of those things, but when they are in it, they don't realize that.

So try to have some compassion and understanding for your H. Keep your boundary, but again, go easy on yourself.....this isn't about you as much as it's about him. Let him find his way.

[Upwards]

Remember, this is a marathon. When to quit or move on is an individual choice, but it does get easier. There are folks here that have literally been DBing for years.

Yeh I suppose its just a bad day, I just feel overwhelmed with it all today.

A little mind-reading there....you don't know that he values OW more than you.

He's made clear that he doesn't value her more than me & that its his insecurities that are stopping him cutting contact with her & his fear or being alone - I suppose it just feels that he values her around more than me.

Couple of things to consider here. First, usually when someone says they are done, they have been thinking about it a LONG time. Once they get to that point, they don't do a 180 easily, or quickly.

Yeh I didnt think of it like that, he's not been happy for a long time so know it wasnt an overnight decision.

Second, usually an OP is multiple things....easy, exciting, fun. Very difficult to give that up. And yes, long term, it probably wouldn't be any of those things, but when they are in it, they don't realize that.

He's said there is nothing romantic between them, she's just someone to talk to & a friend - he sees no future with her or anything like that. He's also said that he knows he needs to cut contact so HE cant figure out what he wants in our marraige, he's just scared. He said that he's "going through the process" and is "getting there" whatever they mean!

He's recently told me that she's told him to come back to me & work on things with me because he expressed his doubts...

So try to have some compassion and understanding for your H. Keep your boundary, but again, go easy on yourself.....this isn't about you as much as it's about him. Let him find his way.

I suppose i'm finding the NC difficult at times, it seems crazy to cut him out when I want him in my life... i'm having a war with myself over it at the moment but obviously cant go back on my boundary either?!