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Originally Posted By: Upwards
GAL - I need ideas for things to do at home whilst the kids are in bed that are low energy ideally?! I get so bored and it's often the time that I get myself upset or worked up.


That's a tough one, because personally, I think GAL should be social, at least somewhat. Being with other people changes how you think of yourself, whereas going solo can really drive loneliness, depression, etc.

That said, a couple of ideas....exercise is a must, and if it has to be low energy, maybe yoga. You could also garden, read, home projects, etc.

Originally Posted By: Upwards
Books - I would like to read some self help books on fear of abandonment, self esteem, other similar things. Any ideas anyone?


Codependent No More is probably the only book I've read that falls into this category...but I highly recommend.

Originally Posted By: Upwards
What I want to know is, what's the best way to handle this, do I just go with the flow, remain detached and not have any expectations or should I be being "dim" and not answering his calls etc? He's suggested a few things recently to do as a family or together, it's always positive and we always enjoy it - where do I draw the line to ensure he's not just cake eating or is a little cake eating good at times to show him what he's missing?!


If he still has contact with OW, I would go dim. If not, then I would think about what you can handle without expectation and start there....small steps.


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Thanks 3BM, I do lots with the kids but feel I don't do much for myself & think I need that now. I've spent the past 6yrs putting my own life on the back burner for the kids, way too much so that it meant I wasn't taking care of my own happiness, I want to try to find a better balance smile

Feel a bit better tonight - time to focus on ME & my beautiful, amazing, wonderful children - it's amazing how nearly having a complete breakdown can put life into perspective! I need to stop fighting this & go with it, it's the only way forwards - I'm just not sure how to do that right now except working on myself & putting one foot infront of the other?!


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Originally Posted By: Breakdown
That's a tough one, because personally, I think GAL should be social, at least somewhat. Being with other people changes how you think of yourself, whereas going solo can really drive loneliness, depression, etc.

I have health problems so can't really do anything high energy, by the end of the day comes I'm usually fit for nothing! I do try to see friends regular & socialise when I can but often I'm sat home alone in the evenings so wanted something to occupy me then.

Quote:
Codependent No More is probably the only book I've read that falls into this category...but I highly recommend.

I've read this smile fantastic book, I do refer back to it a lot too.

Quote:
If he still has contact with OW, I would go dim. If not, then I would think about what you can handle without expectation and start there....small steps.

As far as I'm aware the contact with OW has stopped, I do believe this is the case at the moment although of course can't be sure of this. So far I've been doing well at keeping expectations low, I've been working on trying to spot when expectations are developing and to pull back, so far so good - I think I'll just go with his lead & see what happens?


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Glad you are doing a little better tonight. You've been so strong and really inspirational to me. I'm cheering for you smile

Originally Posted By: Upwards
GAL - I need ideas for things to do at home whilst the kids are in bed that are low energy ideally?! I get so bored and it's often the time that I get myself upset or worked up.


All seems right in my world if I read a good book (no self-help!) while taking a bubble bath. It's even better if I drink a glass of wine.

(((Upwards)))

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I may have missed out before but does your H have a set time that he sees the kids. If you share you schedule it may be easier to give some ideas for GAL.

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He collects them from school Tuesday & Friday then drops them back off for pjs, bed etc at 6:30pm. Sunday he has them 9:00am - 2:30pm but I'm going to ask him can we extend this a couple of hours, I tend to use Sundays to rest & potter around the house in peace lol!


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On Tuesday/Friday, it is possible for your H to put the kids to bed himself and hang out until you get back. The first couple of months I fought doing it because I wanted to be with the kids. But I realized that I was going to burn out if I did not have time for myself. Since I felt better about myself, I was able to really invest during my time with the kids instead of feeling burnt out all the time

Can always get up a dinner with a friend those nights? I have a similar schedule with my H. He has the kids Wednesday/Friday nights. He grabs them after work and has them until I get home. He puts them to sleep at my house and then does some work on his laptop until I get back. On Wednesdays, I go to IC and then try to head to the gym/yoga or run errands. On Friday, I try and get together with friends for dinner/drink/coffee. Since my friends all have little kids, I really have to plan in advance. I just set up a girls night with my best friends in three weeks. If we wait to the last minute, we can never coordinate. It takes some effort put it is nice to have some events to look forward to.

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^^^^ this!! Having my H put our D to bed 3x a week (as opposed to nearly zero times he used to!) has been huge for me. I don't feeling like I'm always racing to get home-- I have time for IC, manicures, errands, meeting a friend for a drink after work. Even though I am getting less sleep, I feel less exhausted by child care. (And, coincidentally, my H told me he feels exhausted, never has time for anything, and is frequently frustrated by the bedtime routine. Mmm hmmm.)


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Hi Upwards. I've got the 2 kids - 3 and 6 years old - and that was my strugggle too - finding ways to GAL with them or when they were in bed. Pretty tough to do.

Not that I've got it down 100%, but in the evening while they are sleeping, I:
- watch alot of netflix movies,
- clear out cupboards,
- take baths (bought really nice bubble bath),
- started doing craft again (mostly prep for fun kiddie crafts I can do with the girls on the weekends)
- go to bed early (or fall asleep on the couch!)

If I were you, I would discuss with H about adding a bit more time to his care of the kids so you can get out and have enough time to do something (massage, movies, shopping, etc).

I'm just starting to make the most of my own time (which I haven't had in a looonnnggg time) and find it really helps to keep PMA.

I too really resisted not being with the kids for the first while as I felt like they were the only think that kept me going. But I realize that I would be a better person for getting out and doing something for me and set a good example for them too.

A big part of why I am where I am with my H I believe is because we lost sight of our own induvidual needs and of our needs as a couple - only focused on being parents and homeowners...

I'm rooting for you!


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Yes I'm going to speak to him about it tomorrow, it's about time he stepped up and gave me a proper break - I often feel bad for asking & I'm way too proud, I've been on my own as a single parent for 8mths now and it's about time I was able to have a social life!!

He's been for tea tonight, we all had a nice evening - always a little hard when he walks out and I know he's going back to his "single life" and I have no idea what he's up to but I suppose I should be appreciate the nice times and not think about the rest - find it sooo hard not to obsesses about him being with someone else frown

I need some new 180s and better focus!


Divorce Final: Oct 2014

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