Thought it was a good time to start a new thread DB has been amazing & really given me my confidence & strength back, the people here are amazing and i'm thankful for all the advice here (both positive & negative!).
I'm currently NC with my H to give myself some head space and get back on track - My plan is to focus on myself for the next couple of weeks, spend a lot of time GAL and also resting & relaxing. I'm intending to keep reading & researching and seeking out support when needed. This is only a temporary thing due to logistics of kids/work.
I have been clear to H that we cant be "friends" until he's completely ended the contact with OW permanently and is willing to show me proof of that, hence why i've gone NC - he's requested we come back together after 2 weeks to talk but i'm trying hard to have no expectations. If he's still not presented me with the proof I plan not to remain very LC & no emotional support until he does.
--------------------------------------------------- What i've learnt from DB so far:
1/ From the moment I made the decision to "let go" of my marriage and old R, I was able to fully focus on myself and saw lots of positives in both myself, my H and our interactions together.
2/ GAL is one of the most crucial parts of DB and really helps with confidence, self-esteem & building yourself into the person that you want to be - I keep reminding myself to "be a woman only a fool would leave" and "be the best ME".
3/ I have been trying to see this separation as a gift of time, its allowing me to look deep within myself and deal with some issues/fears/feelings that have been buried for a long time - its giving me the opportunity to analyse my behaviors and feelings so that I can be the best me! I feel stronger than ever & although i'm very sad about my current situation i'm also thankful for the changes within myself. I realise that these changes are a big part of me being able to be happy regardless of what happens in my M.
4/ I've worked well at DB when i've kept my expectations under control, when expectations creep in then I end up hurt or disappointed. I have also learnt that hope is a positive thing when its not coupled with expectation.
5/ My DB efforts brought very positive changes for me. I've been feeling so much more confident & happier, I've detached a lot so that my H's actions don't affect me as much and I'm able to make much more logical decisions instead of decisions based on emotion.
6/ My DB efforts really brought my H closer to me & his attitude has begun to change, I noticed lots of very positive changes in his actions and how he has been around me as well as his openness & him being more positive about our situation - I need to continue my DB techniques and work hard to remain on track as I believe my H's feelings will continue to change if I handle the situation correctly.
7/ When I allow my emotions instead of blocking them out and trying to "get on with it" I find that the negatives pass more easily and i'm able to continue moving forwards, when I fight the bad days I tend to just keep having bad days until I accept it.
8/ Support from people on here & other places has been the main thing thats kept me going through the tough times along with support from family & friends - I couldnt have done it without the continued support of the people on this forum though!
--------------------------------------------------- Main DB Techniques I've used sucessfully:
1/ No perusing & lots of space - I've let H contact me and not always been available or answered/replied when he does, i've not asked what he's doing or where he's going unless he volunteers that info - this has resulted in my H calling me lots. 2/ No pressure - I like the squirrel analogy here, i've noticed when there's no pressure he comes towards me & as soon as there's pressure he backs right off & his attitude changes. He's perused me much more when there is no pressure. 3/ Act As If - This has been a biggie, i've acted as though i'm happy/confident and ok with the situation. I've also acted as though i'm getting on with my life regardless of my H and that I have little interest in him. I've always been polite, just not overly friendly - he's commented on how he likes the "new me" a lot. 4/ Mystery - I've tried to create some mystery, new wardrobe & image, nights out that he doesn't know details of, being "busy" but not specifying what or who with etc. The "Act as If" also helps with this. 5/ No R talks about the future unless he's brought it up, even then i've tried to cut them short or change to subject so that it doesnt get too "deep" and uncomfortable - this has meant H has been starting these talks more often. 6/ Communication - I've really focused on communication and after trying lots of changes the following have been the most effective: listening, validating, no fixing, no interrupting, no telling my H how he feels, using "I" statements, sharing similar feelings.
You sound like you gave it really figured out! I struggled for almost five months and then found this site. It has helped tremendously to talk to those that have been thru it. My h is in mlc - which means I have years before he starts to recover.
I live what you are doing on your thread. Thanks for enlightening me and giving me more strength and hope.
Very good upwards!! Very proud of you , big clap clap for you!!
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Glad to give some strength & hope At first I found it so hard as my emotions were so strong but the more i've detached the easier its become, I also try to see the bigger picture when things arent going so well & that helps me to see the positives too. I've also realised that the changes in my H are often very subtle but I know him very well so they're easy to spot once you know what to look for.
The main thing i'd say is if something feels like its going against what you'd normally do or feel like doing then DO IT - Its important to do what works!
I've been separated & living on my own with the kids now for nearly 8 months so I already KNOW that i'll be ok on my own, I think that's half the battle in the early days. Although it knocked me for 6 when my H decided to stop working at our M 3mths ago I was able to get back on my feet quicker as i'd already done some ground work before if that makes sense?
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
You are certainly talking the talk Just go easy on yourself when you fall....we all do. And then have the strength to get up and keep going.
Yeh its hard at times, I certainly didn't handle to OW situation as well as I could have however I've learnt from it so have to take that as a positive. Its not the end of the world & I do think that these next couple of weeks NC will be good for us both as the last period of NC brought some very positive changes for both myself & H.
I'm back up & keeping going... a little strange with NC again but sure i'll get used to it quick enough, the kids are off school to keep my occupied!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
DB has been amazing & really given me my confidence & strength back, the people here are amazing and i'm thankful for all the advice here (both positive & negative!).
Just go easy on yourself when you fall....we all do. And then have the strength to get up and keep going.