MLC @ 29yrs - What stage is my H at?

[Upwards]

Thanks so much cadet for such a fab post with lots of info, I've been here a while over in "Newcomers" and have been using DB for a couple of months fully now I've had fantastic results! I just posted over here to get some specific MLC info.

My other thread is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2440751#Post2440751

[Cadet]

I thought I'd come back and explain the "life" transition a bit more. Each of us goes through a "growth" spurt, i.e., late teens/early 20's, again at 30, 40, etc. If the "life" transition isn't navigated properly, the person is destined to try again at a later time. If that doesn't happen, generally they are then set up to have a mid-life crisis.

It's very important that individuals are allowed to grow during this transition as it helps them navigate the next 10 or so years of their life and they learn, experience and grow from those experiences. Some go through them w/only a blip on the radar screen and others will go full force and do a lot of really crazy things and become someone else we don't know. Ultimately, if they navigate all of the properly, they are more mature adults at the end of the day.

Whatever you do, do not become his "mother" or his fixer. He really does need to face the consequences of his actions and grow up on his own.

If you want to read more about this try the library and get this book.

Understanding Men's Passages by Gail Sheehy

it explains it all in much more detail.

[Upwards]

It seems maybe my H is in withdrawal, he's thrown himself head first into work & is working all the hours he can, breaking off only for seeing the kids, meetings (NA/AA) and sleep.

He said he finds he can process everything whilst he's working alone & it helps him continue to move forwards & heal. I was worried at first that he's using it as avoidance but I've realised it's his way of processing things in his own time.

He's gone from doom & gloom to being thankful for what he has in his life and being thankful that he's clean/sober and healthy - it's like he's slowly taking off his crazy glasses & seeing life as it really is again, only at times though!

[job]

It could a little bit of replay, depression and withdrawal. Some become workaholics and others quit or lose their jobs.
He sounds like he is using work as a way to take his mind off of his issues. That is what the op, gambling, porn, etc., do as well, i.e., takes the focus off of the guilt and shame of what they have or continue doing.

When we speak of withdrawal here, we are speaking of the fact that they withdraw from everything, i.e., family, pets, friends, etc. Has he done the withdrawal of family, friends, etc.?

I am glad that he's starting to take the rose colored glasses off, but please keep your expectations at zero. He could go back into the tunnel if things become too painful for him to face. I don't want to see you and your family hurt. From what you've posted, he's having moments of clarity and then slips back into the fog of depression. I do hope those moments continue and become longer for him. He's got a lot to be thankful for.

[Upwards]

He said that in the evenings when he's on his own at work it gives him the space to think & is like his therapy?!

* He's been avoiding his parents by working & goes straight to his room when he gets home.
* He's not really seeing any of his recovery friends like he was a few months ago when was with them every night until late.
* He stopped going to the rehab centre and speaking to the counselors there where as he was very active before.
* He's started going to new meetings where nobody knows him.
* He was also beginning to avoid the kids but has realised what he was doing & stopped that now.

Its like he's pulled right back from everyone that knows him or is close to him, he's fine with strangers and customers at work that dont really know him in a personal sense & put that down to him being able to pretend his life is great.

I'm certainly keeping my expectations at nothing, I know how up & down he is so know if I expect him to be like he was one day then i'll only be upset/disappointed. At the moment i'm stepped back & watching him whilst focusing on myself, he doesnt like it when I step back though lol!!