Okay, here goes

[FindingPatience]

I've been reading on here for a while, but this is my first post about my story.

I believe my H is in MLC. His mother died 6 years ago and his younger brother died 3 years ago. He never really grieved his mother and became increasingly unhappy since she passed. A few years back he was so unhappy that I was concerned he might leave me. I asked him to go to MC. We went, and worked through all the functional issues and past hurts that he brought up. He had a number of issues with sex, not feeling attractive or worthy, despite the fact that I usually initiated. I knew that we had to fix that, but didn't know how and our MC was generally uncomfortable on that topic. We started talking openly between each other and he told me that he had fantasies about other women. I was his first girlfriend. He never even dated anyone else. He was not my first relationship or partner. I validated that fantasies were normal and we used conversations on that topic to spice things up. Things became very good between us. We were communicating better than ever. He seemed very happy and the sex was amazing. Unfortunately, I was blind to what was happening. We continued down that path until he convinced me to let him stray a bit. He said our love was strong, but that this was something he needed to do to learn about himself and feel like a whole person. He had friends who had an open marriage and they still adored each other very much, so I agreed given health precautions and with the understanding that he would be honest (with me and a potential partner), discreet and thoughtful of my feelings. I'm not sure how I managed to get to the point that I was agreeing to this arrangement - I regret it and ask you not to judge me too harshly. Fast forward to what is clear in hindsight. He fell in love and became completely irrational. Suddenly he's telling me that he wasn't really ever happy. His drinking went from a daily beer to unwind to anxiety medication. The OW he choose said she was okay with the arrangement, but started working on splitting him away from me and my kids. After a few months of constant anxiety on my part and losing 20 pounds, I found DR and this board. I didn't post because I felt that the going sentiment would be that I got what I deserved in agreeing to it. In reading the stories and advice given to others here, I slowly got back on my feet. I told my H that this wasn't healthy for me and that I needed space. I asked him to move out. He said he still loved me and didn't want to, but he wasn't willing to place any boundaries on the OW. He was spending an incredible amount of money, so I also asked him to come to mediation to work on a legal separation. I still love him dearly, but I'm happier and my kids are happier with the separation in place. I struggle with guilt in thinking that I'm the WAW. I want my family to be whole, but not at the expense of my self worth. He is clearly on the roller coaster and at times he admits he misses me. That makes me scared. I don't want to give up on him, but I'm scared of him jumping back only to continue to be unhappy and leave again. At this point I'm trying to be friendly. I'm trying to protect myself and my kids financially. I'm detaching while trying to keep my heart open.

[scooby]

Findingpatience

Do not feel bad for your decision it is in past and you can not change it, and move forward. I actually have a friend that had open marriage, and their pa only happens three times or it turns into ea too. It is your decision and no should tell you how to live. You did not know your husband would flip on you. Maybe it was his plan because he had the hots for ow and did not want yo hurt you with a, so gave you offer of open relationship.

Right now concentrate on yourself (remember that is what your spouse is going too.). What are your passions. Hobbies, likes, what do you enjoy? Buy a new outfit to make you feel better. Spend time with friends.

You are a special person and need to treat yourself that way. Come and post often. It is a way to release those feelings, as I have found most people on outside fan only take so much of you standing.

I am only 5 months into mlc, and I have tried everything wrong, and know here has helped me. If you still ate having a hard time, see a Dr for meds and seek ic. Right now it is all about ME - enjoy the gift he has given you.

[whytry]

Always take care of yourself and children. I've also done everything wrong and several people to seek out posting are JOB, Sandi2, MrBond, well just about anybody with years on the board. They've been very good mentors and I've learned a lot.

[HollyAnn]

FindingPatience
No judgement from me.

These open marriages seldom work out. The ones I have witnessed failed because the H very delicately, and persuasively, introduced the idea. And.....the W is the one who "fell in love.." and split. Sometimes people have trouble seeing The Big Picture along with Unintended Consequences.

I think you are doing great! It is very impressive that you acted decisively. You know it was a mistake and you made a course correction in the best interests of you and your kids.

The Separation Agreement is invaluable to protect against the financial annihilation that so often occurs when these WAS are allowed to just run wild.
I'm not kidding; LBS are expected to just allow the WAS to "explore the space. Really....explore the space..." Yeah, well...that can be done on someone else's dime.

Stay strong. I know how hard it is.

[FindingPatience]

Thanks tld whytry HollyAnn,

Admitting my part in that has kept me from posting, so it's good that I made myself put it out there right at the start.

Tld - I'm doing great on getting a life. I have a ton of house projects on my list and I really get joy from doing them and the accomplishment. I've decided I want to be a better cook, so I'm involving the kids in making plans and I'm making better meals. I've set up routines with the kids that are helping minimize the bickering. That makes us all happier. I've bought myself new clothes. The bomb drop diet did wonders for my figure, so I've bought some pieces to show that off. I find myself finding great things in places I overlooked before. My friendships feel deeper since I opened up to some of my friends and my mom. They've shared that they have struggles in their marriages and they support me in what I'm trying to do to save my marriage. (I haven't shared with anyone who could circle back to H). I read here lots, even when a down day leaves me no emotional energy to post, the reading helps.

I'm having trouble with the 180s. Some things he complained about both sides of an issue. When he was in the angry phase he complianed that I used to watch tv in the evening and he didn't know how to fit in to that, but then he complained that if I turned the tv off and wanted to spend time with him that he would feel too much pressure. I'm not sure what I should have done differently. There are also some things he complained about that I like about myself. For example he always complained about spending time in or on our home. He was always stir crazy. I was happy to get out with him, but I like having peaceful days at home with the kids too.

Although, upon more thought here, I have made 180s on a bunch of things. I used to be upset when he didn't meet my expectations. In reading this board, I've reset my expectations to be more in line with the aweful stuff I read here. Now every time he does better than the minimum I thank him. I regret that it took this situation for me to make that change. Luckily though I'm finding that gratitude spreading to most parts of my life. I'm appreciating everything so much deeper.

HollyAnn- I can't take credit for acting decisively. I've been dealing with this for just over a year now. At first I tried asking for what I needed, with miserable results (lots of crying and begging). Then I told myself this is all my fault and I just needed to STFU and wait it out, but I got to my limit when he ditched the kids in the middle of a holiday tradition to go attend to some made up crisis from OW. I was left with two sad kids who could understand why dad just up and left. I just couldn't do it anymore. Luckily things seem better now that we're living apart. We're very cordial. I still can't help but read his moods, but I don't know the alien well enough to know what's causing any particular dark cloud or apparently happy moment, so I try not to guess.

My D11 texted me last night to say that he was in a horrible mood and seemed mean to her for no reason (probably part true and part D11 drama). She said he was going out for a run and leaving D11 and S8 alone while he does. I doubt he was going long, but still. He has them for 3 overnights every other week. It's sad that he can't stand it and has to get away. Luckily my D11 is really responsible and has an open line to text with me in case something is wrong.

[FindingPatience]

I'm having a hard time tonight. I will be feeling so strong and detached and then I see signs of movement in the situation and without even realizing it, I build up some sort of hope and then I'm riding the roller coaster when he heads back into the tunnel. It hit me out of the blue and really hard tonight.

[gogofo]

You are not alone with building hope when you start doing well. I think it is human nature, I get the same feelings of hope in my situation. I think where it becomes a problem is when it sends you on a rollercoaster of emotions or when hope builds into expectations. With time and DBing techniques the ups and downs become less severe.

Hang in there and keep with GAL, it is what helps me the most.

[FindingPatience]

Thanks gogofo.

I thought I had it managed, but I've started waking up at 2am again with horrible anxiety. I was sleeping better since he moved out and I got some breathing room, but it's started again within the last week. I think it's happening because he keeps forgetting agreements he has made with respect to our financial separation and I'm realizing I really am going to have to file for legal separation to have a boundary I can trust. What's worse, he has started talking about leaving is job and freelancing. I probably need to file before he makes that move. His OW left her husband a few years back and left her job in the process. I suspect it was a calculated move for higher child and spousal support (I'm the higher earner in my marriage). My old H would never be so devious, but I don't know what the alien who replaced him is capable of. It makes me so sad that I'm in this situation.

[FindingPatience]

When am I being a good DBer and when am I being naive?

I've been DBing since August 2013.
Since H moved out, he became much more respectful towards me and more reliable for our kids. Things have been relatively stable for a year.
He has only mentioned moving forward on the legal process once.
I responded that I would cooperate and he didn't do anything. I've watched his moods fluctuate.
He was seeming to move towards me a couple months ago and then suddenly became more distant again and has started looking to buy a house where OW can live with him.
We had an open conversation a couple days after he broke that news.
I had to make sure he knew that I love him enough to let him go, but that he still had a chance to put our relationship back together.

I didn't want to have him say "why didn't you tell me?" 20 years down the line. He said he still loves me, but he wasn't happy with me (says it wasn't my fault - seems to recognize it was/is depression) but still says that this is something he needs to do.

I've detached.

I'm okay emotionally and can take care of me and the kids and give him more time, but I'm really scared of the prospect of him buying a house.
He's looking at places that would stretch him to the limits financially and I'm scared that taking on that kind of debt while we're still married has the potential to take me down.

I don't want to file, but I feel like I'd be incredibly naive not to protect myself from that kind of risk. My heart says wait and don't rock the boat, but my head is making a strong case to file for a legal separation.
I don't want to take the move that makes it easier for OW to push him into counter filing for divorce.

Any advice would be welcome.

[Cadet]

I've detached.

Are you sure?

I am not sure you have.

[FindingPatience]

I read his mood changes, but they don't send me on a high or leave me crushed. I've read almost every success story in the archives. I just don't want to walk away if there's a chance. I still believe that putting our family back together is a better choice than starting over, but I also believe that I will be okay if we just coparent.

.

[FindingPatience]

Thanks, Cadet, for pushing me to think.

I guess I'm not detached. I had adjusted to the status quo. I need to detach. is filing myself the only way? I wanted to let him take that step, but I feel like my hand is being forced.