Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Thanks, Sandi. We have been through this before, and I know better.
1) There is nothing I can say.
2) She will let me know if/when she is ever ready/willing.
3) Until then, go paint the shed or something.

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Nothing unexpected here, just can't see how this ever gets better...

W talks to her friends and just outright lies about everything I ever did or said. It's just a feeding frenzy. Still puzzles me that people who have never met me are so quick to pile on. Hard to imagine that this can stop. Complete lack of reason. "If I stay, what does that say to the kids about staying in a bad relationship...", said the WAW in an A with a married man. The irony. And she's plotting about house, kids... I'm afraid the full damage will be done before she realizes what's happened.

But I also realize that if this doesn't stop, if she does go through with it, then she is not anyone that I want.

It still drives me nuts though, because some of the things she complains about could be easily fixed if she committed (nope), if I could trust her (nope). And because they can't be fixed now, they just continue to be grist for the mill.

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 323
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 323
Zew,

Keep your head up, it seems at times its easy to get frustrated. The complete lack of ability for the WAW to realize the ramifications of her actions, and the willingness of her LBS to work to resolve issues is mindblowing. But then again, the whole idea of an A and dealing with a WAW is crazy enough.

I understand that feeling of this is never going to get better. From what I see, getting ourselves better is really when we get success. Can't control it, let it go. So hard to do for myself, considering in my profession I am used to dictating and controlling recovery for people.

We both need to get better at understanding that our W's are the only ones that can fix themselves, and while we can set up a situation that will give them an idea of what D life will be like, the reality is they will make their choice, and we will make our choices.

Good luck fighting the good battle, and keep your head up. Your doing great!

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Thanks, Dev.

I'm OK, just every once in a while the whole thing seems so incredible. She's built a mob of supporters based on lies; if she ever changes her mind about us, it will be interesting to see how she disarms them.

Quote:
From what I see, getting ourselves better is really when we get success. Can't control it, let it go.

Yes, this is the key. Working on self. Knowing what you can't control and letting go of it.
Very difficult for me, since occupationally I nudge individuals around obstacles toward a common goal. There is always a way to influence progress.
You can't nudge a WAW, and we don't have a common goal.

News from the A front:

W asked OM if they could meet.
OM said he couldn't today, "but thanks, though."

Oops. Well you can't say that, now can you. Those three words were killers. They made it all about him. W has the feeling that OM is just using her for sex. She only hears from him after about 3 days from last encounter. Lately, she has to call him. W doesn't understand why he came back after they split in Jan. W doesn't want to give him up, but says he isn't hers to give up. She thinks it will all end when school lets out and the kids are home, anyway. And although I'm sure they'll make up again, he's starting to tarnish.

And her job is going badly. It's stressful, and although I have no doubt that she'd be up to it under normal circumstances, right now between M trouble and A, she just hasn't got the reserves. Too bad she's screwing up such a good opportunity.
She feels she is failing at everything; her M, her A, her job. She broke down and was just sobbing. "I'm a good person and smart and why is everyone treating me like crap?" She came home and took her sleeping pills and went to bed at 8pm. She is twisting.

As hard as it is to see her in such anguish, this encourages me. Hopefully this is just the kind of despair she needs to keep moving forward. Not back to me, but at least forward to reality.

I am still the hated root of all evil, holding her to a budget for the first time in 13 years, clearly just to make her miserable.
But that's OK. I'm quite comfortable in who I am becoming.

D12 is a night owl like me. We have lots of time together after W goes to bed and she will talk about anything with me now. S9 asked me to come snuggle with him when he went to bed last night.
I'll be off mysteriously GALing tomorrow evening, and it will be oh SO relaxing. I love my time out. Where I ever got the idea that I should be staying home with W and kids all the time I'll never know, but I am glad to have disabused myself of that one.

I had a long chat with a friend this morning. He's amazed I've held on this long; said he would be out immediately. I told him it could be much longer, and you don't know how you'll react until you've lived it. He said every man he knew bailed by now, and each one of them now regrets not having the kids in their house each morning. Well there's the motivation right there.

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
W and I just got into it.

When I came the door, she presented me with a receipt and said I owed her $58 because her CC was declined.

I asked how she figured that, she knew her card had no money.
I told her yesterday, that after finishing bill paying, that I had $250 to put on her card, but it wouldn't be there until Tuesday, and that I would transfer the rest of the monthly amount next Friday after I get paid, and it would be there the following Tuesday.

Well she never heard the first Tuesday stuff. Claimed I never told her. I never tell her anything. Why can't I have access to account...

Then I said this:
I won't change the financial situation so long as there are 3 people in this M. If you get rid of OM, we can discuss approaches to repairing our problems and changes to finances.

Then came the denial, to which I just said I didn't want to hear it anymore. She said I could believe whatever I wanted; I said I believed the truth.

Pick a number 2 or 1, but 3 isn't working for me.

Well, whatever damage is done is done.

And now, I will go down to dinner.

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
BTW, she also said she was willing to go to MC, and again I said there could only be 2 of us there, not 3.

...and dinner was the regular "nothing to see here" charade, after which she pilled up and went to bed.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 221
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 221
Well its out in the open now....... I don't know how you knew all the details you have stated in your posts but I would assume spying of some sort? That definitely will hurt you in the long run if that is the case (I know this from experience :)) If not from that, I can't imagine knowing that stuff and not eventually talking about it. So I wouldn't be beating yourself up over that one.

I have seen the word addiction used when people talk about spouses having an affair. It does seem to fit. As a recovering addict myself, I can definitely see the road to justification being used by these 'addicts'.

As an addict, if the comparison holds, I can tell you that nothing will keep me from using unless I make the decision to stop and ask for help as well. No logic, no emotional pleas, nor anything else will keep me from doing the very thing that taints the rest of my life.

Anyway, that was a bit of rambling there. I guess I am just reiterating what others have said.....hang on because there is nothing that you can do. Good luck sir!


me 41 w43
married 20 years
BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY....
4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
thanks tough,

yes, I think rebellious teenagers with a crack addiction is more like it.

She's got trouble in her A, trouble in her job, and now, more trouble from me. I should have left town yesterday for about a month.

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
I know snooping is against Sandi's rules, but at least for my situation, it led to me standing up for myself. I was content with GALing and being positive around W while I assumed she was not in contact with OM and was trying to figure things out. How it will contribute to the end of my situation, I don't know, but finding evidence finally gave me the courage to put my foot down, be a man and establish a boundary similar to you.

I guess what I'm getting at is it's not about whether you snooped or not, but how you handle what you've discovered. I know how it can eat at you, but you've got to resist using it as ammo in discussions you have. Easier said than done.

Zew, I'm right there with you on your 'you don't know how you'll react until you've lived it' comment.



Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
I opened my briefcase this morning at work and W put a muffin in it for a snack. It's been almost a month since she's done that. I always used to call her and let her know how much I appreciated that she had thought of me.

No call today.

She would have bought it yesterday before her card bounced and before we had our "chat", and put it in my briefcase in the middle of the night. (as she snooped my phone)

I will enjoy GAL tonight. I've been far too fixated on W lately.

Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard