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Hi all. this is my first post.

Where to start? I've been with my H for 15 years (married for 11) and have 2 young daughters. We've been through alot and always leaned on each other. Two and a half months ago things were great (or so I thought) - we were looking a neighbourhoods to move to, feeling happy and living a great life.

Then mid-January, H starts to be moody, and grumpy. I ask why. Answer - nothing, just feeling like he wants to be alone. So I give him space. Then the moodiness continues. Then slowly he starts telling me he's not happy. He feels left out with me and our 2 daughters. Then that he doesn't love me. That we have been fooling ourselves and we're not happy or in love. Now he says he is numb and has no feelings for me what so ever - no love, no hate, no anger, nothing.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. He moved in to the spare room. He's very quiet and quietly angry. No conversations - not even with our girls.

Then 4 days after dropping the bomb, he tells me after dinner that he has to go. He has to move out - this anger is not good for anyone and he needs to go. So we tell our girls that daddy need to be awy for a bit and that he needs some time to himself. We can call him and he'll be around. Our 3 year old doesn't really get it, but the 6 year old is devistated. After he leaves, she cries and we have long discussions. I tell her that we're trying to work it out and that he'll always be her daddy and that we'll always be a famiy. We just need to be a part for a bit. This conversation has contunied to happen many nights since then with her.

So long story short, he is sleeping on the couch of his male friend (his best man at our wedding!) and has been here 3 or 4 nights a week sleeping over, having dinner here, doing his laundry, etc. I have a running group that I go to certain nights, so he tries to be here so I can still go. He's even here some nights when I don't have my group. He sleeps in the spare room. His mood is better - almost like the old H, but a coldness is there too.

For the most part, we are more civil with each other and even watch some of the old tv shows together once the kids are in bed. We've talked about our R on several occasions. We ventured out on one date where I ended up crying at the restaurant. We had plans for another date but he said its too much pressure. He doesn't have any effort left. He doesn't want to try.

He explaination of what went wrong - I am a very negative person who gets angry alot (not physically - just attitude) and he got tired of trying to make me happy. He said he has had these feeling before but he just pushed them down and they went away.

He is very quiet - easy going. I am extrovert and bossy. He has always used logic to decide things and I have used emotion. Now he is going on pure emotion as his therapist has said he needs to pay attention to his feelings. I feel there needs to be a middle ground.

After all this, he is in induvidual councilling as am I. I asked about couples councilling and he discussed with the therapist and basically unless both of us want to resolve this, there is no point, which he doesn't.

His therapist has called this situational anxiety. Sounds like MLC to me. He doesn;t speak to his mom, his sister, bother or dad. All for differnt reasons - but basically switchd off his feelings for them and is numb to them. Just like he is to me now.

I accept what he is saying about my role - its true and I'm working on it. He claims his role too - not speaking up, always ignoring his feeling to make things non-confrontational. We very rarly have fought.

I feel so broken and betrayed. I'm getting up everyday because of the girls. I have lost so much weight and feel like a zombie.

I have been on my best behaviour until recently - feeling like a student sitting at my desk, sitting tall and hands folded waiting for the teacher to pick me. Last weekend I blew up with him - told him I hate him, that he is wrecking our family, that he needs to work on this rather than walk away. Our problems will still be our problems even if we are divorced. It ended up turning into a good converation as he knew I was not being true. He understood that I needed to get it off my chest.

I've told him he need to stop coming over. Stop pretending we are all liking together and things are great. He wants to continue so our girls have some normalcy. I told him that then he leaves we are all upset - and that this is too hard. I would never block him from the kids.

I don;t know if this is the best thing to do. I want him here. I don;t want him here. I love him - I hate what's he's doing.

Any advice?

Jenn


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Jenn - Sorry you find yourself here. Your H's C was right about MC; if he isn't committed to working on the M, it will do more harm than good.

Have you read DB or DR yet? If you haven't, you should. Understanding the concepts in the books (particularly DR) will help you with some of the advice you receive here.

What are you doing to GAL? Even though you probably don't feel like it, it is one of the most important things you can do for yourself right now.

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Thanks Hope. I've ordered the DB - hoping to get it in the mail shortly.

I've read alot on these boards, which helps.

As far as GAL, I am trying. But faking it right now. Continuing with my running classes (just started them in Jan before the bomb) and talking with friends. Thats all I can seem to muster right now. Its hard with the 2 kids. And only 1 being is school.

H is around for 2 or 3 nights a week but it seems like when he is here, I only want to be near him, even if its just sitting on 2 seperate couches watching the walking dead. I know I need to stop that.

He called after work tonight to see if I wanted him NOT to come home tonight because the conversation we had last night about how hard this is. He is respectful of my feelings. I told him to not come. He will call to say good night to the kids. And will call Sunday to see about coming over on Monday after work. (its my birthday - let the pity party begin) (we had discussed that the kids kow it my bd and we have to do something - so likely out for dinner with all 4 of us).

I know I need to detatch. I'm just so consumed and confused. I wish I could just flip a switch like H did to turn off my feelings.

And no there is no OW - his parents had a nasty D with OM and he is dead set against anything like that.

Going to take the kids for pizza for dinner tonight. Being home is hard.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Thanks Hope. I've ordered the DB - hoping to get it in the mail shortly.

I've read alot on these boards, which helps.

As far as GAL, I am trying. But faking it right now. Continuing with my running classes (just started them in Jan before the bomb) and talking with friends. Thats all I can seem to muster right now. Its hard with the 2 kids. And only 1 being is school.

H is around for 2 or 3 nights a week but it seems like when he is here, I only want to be near him, even if its just sitting on 2 seperate couches watching the walking dead. I know I need to stop that.

He called after work tonight to see if I wanted him NOT to come home tonight because the conversation we had last night about how hard this is. He is respectful of my feelings. I told him to not come. He will call to say good night to the kids. And will call Sunday to see about coming over on Monday after work. (its my birthday - let the pity party begin) (we had discussed that the kids kow it my bd and we have to do something - so likely out for dinner with all 4 of us).

I know I need to detatch. I'm just so consumed and confused. I wish I could just flip a switch like H did to turn off my feelings.

And no there is no OW - his parents had a nasty D with OM and he is dead set against anything like that.

Going to take the kids for pizza for dinner tonight. Being home is hard.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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H is here now. I'm trying to be pleasant and kind. Want to scream and cry. He's so close but has never been farther away. Kids are in bed and we're watching tv.

I want to ask him about his weekend (we was away - not away - not living here - thursday til today) but I'm trying to be quiet without being salty - and not asking...

Very discouraged. Books - DR and DB - are on their way - estimated to arrive on Monday of next week.

Not sure how I can hold on...doesn;t feel like there is any break from this agony...

Needing to vent...just a bit!


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Originally Posted By: JennD
He's so close but has never been farther away.


I'm way too familiar with this feeling. At first, I constantly wanted to call my H out on it, saying something like, "of course you don't feel like you are in love. you are acting like we are perfect strangers. Stop being so distant." In fact, I've said a variation of that a time or two. It doesn't help. Do your best to keep a PMA. I've seen several people on the board say to treat him like you would a neighbor. Be friendly, but not cold.

Also, don't ask him about his weekend. Asking questions is pressure. If he offers information, don't pry, but say something like, "I bet that was fun" or "I'm glad you had a good time." Right now I'm saying this to me as much as I am to you. I've had a rough few days trying to cope with my sitch.

Keep posting to journal/vent. You'll always find a supportive ear.

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Pheww! He's off to bed (spare room) and I managed not to start any R talk or ask questions about his weekend. I'm afraid I may have come off as sulky - not normal for me to be quiet. He knows quiet usually means something's up.

Neighbour is a good way to think of how to talk with him. Good perspective.

Thanks Hope. Deep breath. For both of us. For all of us.

Goodnight!


M:41
H:38
D:6
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M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Very anxious. Going out tonight with our daughter and H for my birthday dinner. H is coming to dinner more out of obligation as our daughters expect us to 'celebrate'. Last night the older daughter had secret discussions with him about what he needs to get for a present for me and dinner.

He called to today to firm up our plan for tonight. Trying to be neighbourly (ie not to clingy and acting lovingy detatched) I thanked him for getting me a present for the kids and for coming to dinner as I know its aukward. His response - "no problem - no big deal".

So I'm telling myself to be pleasant and kind during dinner. But inside I'm climbing the walls. I want to explode and beg and plead.

I just can't understand how we went from neighbourhood shopping to being "civil" in a few short months.

Today has been a hard day. Last year for my BD - he organized a surprize party for me with my family and friends.

My parents and sisters send a nice bouquet of flowers to me today knowing whats going on (not soemthing they would normally do).

This morning before he left for work, he wished me happy birthday as he kissed the kids goodbye. I just said thanks but couldn;t make eye contact. I know I need to get better fast as this detaching thing.

Sometimes I wish I could get out of my own head.


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H:38
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D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Originally Posted By: JennD

As far as GAL, I am trying. But faking it right now.


That's OK, the important thing is to keep doing it! It'll get easier and more fun as you go. It'll take your mind off your sitch eventually.

Quote:
I know I need to detatch. I'm just so consumed and confused. I wish I could just flip a switch like H did to turn off my feelings.


I think we can all relate to that! If it's so easy for the WAS to cut us out of their life, why is it so hard for us to do the same? I think the short answer is it just seems like they flipped a switch, but in reality they've been preparing for months or even years. It's still new and raw to the new LBS though.

Quote:
And no there is no OW


I was 100% sure there was no OM. It was a good 9 months post BD before I found out there was one. There almost always is. I've heard many people say there's no OP only to say months later that it turns out there is one and was all along. I'm not saying there is one, but I am saying your H is probably hiding a lot more from you than you realize.

Quote:
Going to take the kids for pizza for dinner tonight. Being home is hard.


Good! GAL includes stuff you do with the kids too smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Be kind to yourself, dont expect too much of yourself just now, your hurting & everything is very raw so your going to struggle to detach and act as though your alright at all times - allow yourself to fall apart if needed, just try to do it when your H isnt around.

Fake it til you make it - thats why "act as if" is so important, we begin by acting as though we're doing fantastic and the more we do it the more it becomes normal, before you know it there will be times where you are actually doing ok even if its only for a split second to begin with.

When you've read the DB book you should have more to work on and put in place - keep posting, it will help you.


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Thanks Another...as far as OW, not something I need to add to my hell right now - I'm as certain as I can be and thats enough for now. But thanks for the kind words.

Upwards, I'm trying. Managed to be pleasant during dinner. Once we got "home" (isn't "home" supposed to be warm and comfy?! Not currently) we sat in the living room watching tv. He made tea for he and I. I sat quietly working on my laptop and he on his ipad.

I would make the occasional comment about what was on tv (not forced comments but trying to show that I wasn't sulking). I'm sure it was different for him as I wasn;t pressuring him or upset. Just okay (not really totally faking - but from what he could see) Comments like "Oh I just saw that book on sale at costco."

Wishing the 2 DB abd DR books would hurry up and get here. Flying by the seat of my pants.

And suggestions on which to read first? DB or DR?


M:41
H:38
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T:15 yrs
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DR is the more modern and up-to-date version of DB so start with that, and good luck.

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Feeling very discouraged. Even reading all the boards - someone posts something about things starting to turn around and then it all goes out the window and everyone's situation is crappy.

I'm still waiting for my DR and DB to arrive to read but it seems very much like H can do as he likes and I am warm and kind and almost pretending to be someone else in the hopes he'll come around. Seems very hopeless.

Like I said, very down today. Reality is setting in that this my reality and not how I pictured it in any way. Feeling very alone. Maybe my opinton will change once I read the books.

I feel like a fool and a doormat.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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You should not be pretending to be someone else. You should be focusing on the only thing you can control, which is you. We all have bad days, but you can do this.

Do you have any GAL plans this week?

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You shouldnt be pretending to be someone else, if your struggling being around him then can you go to another room or something?

You need to focus on YOU and what is best for YOU - DB is about saving yourself, if that saves your marriage than thats a bonus but right now the only thing you are in control of is you. You need to stop worrying how your actions will effect your H and start thinking about how they will help you, put the focus on yourself.

The book will help you understand why DB is for YOU & how it can help you. Take one step at a time.


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"I'm still waiting for my DR and DB to arrive to read but it seems very much like H can do as he likes and I am warm and kind and almost pretending to be someone else in the hopes he'll come around. Seems very hopeless."

If you're pretending to be a happy and confident and strong upbeat person, then continue to do so until you become it. Fake it til you become it as I think 25 likes to point out. Sorry if it is another poster who recommeneds those Ted talks.

Just lose the expectations. Expectations are a killer. I'm fighting the expectations off as I write this.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
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Well - I blew it all up last night! Ka-boom!

I'd had enough and we talked and then yelled and I told him he can't be here. He can't sleep here 1/2 the week. If he wants to be divorced, that he can go away full time and see how he likes being a part time dad. He was mad but held back. Not me.

He confirmed he has nothing left to give and that he doesn;t want to try. Cue the crying and angry words.

I can't believe how he changed. I would have been willing to bet on my life 3 months ago that we would never be in this situation. He's like a stranger. I feel like I;ve never known him.

Still no books yet. By the time they get here, I will have imploded. (Maybe I already have).

I never knew I could feel this low.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Sorry that you're having to go through this. It will get better and no one scene is going to ruin everything. Hang in there smile

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Thanks UB...feels like I;ve made a bad situation even worse...didn;t think that was even possible...


M:41
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M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Jenn,

I went through something similar. And then, one night, I sat and cried and cried and cried and cried and let it all out... and since then I haven't really cried much. Somehow, I just started to get past all the feelings you've described. I decided to stop scowling at him and tried to truly push the anger out of my heart.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It will get better. Hang in there. Find some things that YOU like/want to do. (maybe new TV shows that he wouldn't want to watch!?), hobbies you've forgotten about? reconnect with old friends or make some new ones? Become the kind of person only a fool would walk away from...


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Originally Posted By: JennD
Thanks UB...feels like I;ve made a bad situation even worse...didn;t think that was even possible...


Jenn - I've felt like this several times over the past six months. After one particularly bad blow-up, I was so certain that I had screwed everything up that I called my sister and told her that I had ruined everything and there was no way H would ever see a way for us to work things out.

It happened and you can't change it. You CAN work on you and do your best not to let the situation be repeated. Forgive yourself and move forward. I've started reminding myself that, "Today is a new day." You can do this. smile

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Has anyone heard the song "Say Soemthing, I'm Giving Up On You?" By Gret Big World - http://bit.ly/1kDMvDj

I can't even listen to it. It kills me...I would have followed H anywhere...


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Jenn, that song is a rough one for me, too. I usually have to change it when it comes on the radio. I've tried to put a moratorium on any break-up/sad songs right now because it's certainly not helping my mood! When my H and I broke up for a period of time before we were married, I listened to that kind of stuff every day, and recognize now how that prevented me from moving forward. Once in a while I'll play a few just to get them out of my system and have some mopey moments, then I can get on with life. The other ones that get to me lately are "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles and "Breakeven" by The Script (that last one they were playing at the gym...why??)


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
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I know - I've started listening to a classic rock station - not my type of music at all - but they don;t play all the love songs that are killing me...


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D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Seperated: Feb 12/14

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I know - I've started listening to a classic rock station - not my type of music at all - but they don;t play all the love songs that are killing me...

Hahahha well depends of the bands!!! Do you know what rock songs are helping me? If you can listen to Jimi Jamison : never too late
That guy has specials songs that sound just like made it for this forum wink


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JennD,

I would definitely read DR first. DB is more clinical and DR was more helpful in actually putting DB into action, for me anyway.

All is not lost, but whoever said to focus on yourself is correct. If you are trying to be upbeat and stop complaining you probably do feel like you are pretending to be someone you aren't if that wasn't your typical behavior. However, if you think about it, I'm sure it's the behavior you would rather have regardless of what happens with H, so they are right - fake it til you become it.

My H was "done, done, done", had "no feelings left for me", "no interest in trying", etc. I read DB and DR and started LRT in Feb 2013; around Memorial Day we had our first personal interaction, we began talking a little and I started feeling like we may have a chance. I didn't push, I kept on LRT exactly like I was even though I wanted to jump right back in. I apologized for all the things I had done to hurt him and our M, using specific examples and never once blaming my behavior on things he had done. I did it without expecting anything in return and I told him before we talked that I wasn't looking for anything from him, I just wanted him to know I understood what I had done and that I was truly sorry for it. We started having sex again not long after that and by the fall I considered us in piecing. Today we are doing great. Of course things aren't perfect but we are both better at talking about things and owning our own part instead of blaming the other. Don't give up, right now your H believes what he is saying is true. I believed it when I wanted to leave and my H believed it when he wanted to leave. It is true today but that doesn't mean it will always be that way.


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
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Finally the books arrived yesterday. I've read about 1/2 of DR...making sense.

Planning to spend more time tonight on setting my SMART goals. Having a hard time making them small goals as H is physically and emotionally distant. Any advise on how to set them small enough?

Thanks Lovethehub for your words of encouragement. I'm very new to this and finding it VERY hard with out some kind of reassurance or encouragement from H. Its nice to hear of someone else who is seeing the rewards of this long hard road...


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H called to ask to come to the house last night after our heated fight on Wednesday. He's here for the weekend. To see this kids. Last night, I apologized for my harsh words last time (is that something I should be doing? Apologizing? I think yes, but not sure as far as DBing). H said I don't have to apologize, that he understands that I'm upset and hurt. I said - no I do need to apologize as we have to be able to work together for the sake of the kids.

We talked about a schedule for him to come to the house and spend time and care for the kids. Also so I can have my own time (my time to GAL).

I found it very hard to work the schedule out with him as it makes things seem real. I know - I know - it IS real. But now I'm seeing the actual results of this situation. We worked it out. So hopefully that relieves some tension. For us both.

Now I have to find some things to do to GAL. I'm taking my running workshop 3x a week but I want to find something more social. Have to do some research this week and see what my options are.


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I keep dreaming about my H. (I am actaully able to sleep for 2 or 3 hour stretches at night, unlike closer to the BD) Dreaming that he is kissing me. So sad.

I've been detatched since he's been here since Friday. While its not easy, it makes me feel focused and like I'm doing 'something'. Rather than just foundering and making things worse.

I've read more DR and worked on my small baby step goals last night.

Feeling like I have 'some' control in this out-of-control situtation.


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So my goals are:

-To have my H fall back in love with me
-To improve our communication
-To live under one roof happily as a family
-To get my anger and negative attitude under control

My 180
-to stop fixing things (relationship stuff)
-to stop giving - no - having - an opinion on EVERYTHING
-to stop reasoning with H about our M and R
-to stop being mad or weepy or both - ie detaching

Small, short term goals (signs things are improving)
-To have him touch me (ie hand on my back, touch my arm, etc.)
-For H to look at me, lovingly with a smile
-To have interations that are not tense or business only (ie about the house or kids)

Feedback?


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Originally Posted By: JennD
Has anyone heard the song "Say Soemthing, I'm Giving Up On You?" By Gret Big World - http://bit.ly/1kDMvDj

I can't even listen to it. It kills me...I would have followed H anywhere...


Yeah. So many "love songs" really p!ss me off; lyrics so needy and clingy. "I'm nothing without you..." "I can't live without you".... "My life is over"...

Blech! Very destructive bs in most "love songs."

When I first came to this board, a very lame, sucky song, "Stay" by Sugarland was popular. For some odd reason, it resonated with so many women on this board. Really? I mean, seriously??? I would just throw up in my mouth a little.

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I think your goals are good, small ones and big long term ones. Remember, it will take a while and being detached is the best thing you can do. Don't reach out and start conversations but when H starts them, be friendly took back but end the interaction a lot sooner than you would if you were together. H seeing you let go and 'move on' relieves the pressure and allows him to see you in a different light, especially when you start GALing.


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Originally Posted By: JennD
Well - I blew it all up last night! Ka-boom!

I'd had enough and we talked and then yelled and I told him he can't be here. He can't sleep here 1/2 the week. If he wants to be divorced, that he can go away full time and see how he likes being a part time dad. He was mad but held back. Not me.

He confirmed he has nothing left to give and that he doesn;t want to try. Cue the crying and angry words.

I can't believe how he changed. I would have been willing to bet on my life 3 months ago that we would never be in this situation. He's like a stranger. I feel like I;ve never known him.

Still no books yet. By the time they get here, I will have imploded. (Maybe I already have).

I never knew I could feel this low.


I wouldn't worry too much about this. While I wouldn't do it again any time soon, at least you got in a couple of good Truth Darts.

I wish exh and I had had at least one blowup during the split. I was so hurt, I simply withdrew and detached immediately. No crying, begging from me. It helped a lot though. And I think my passivity during that time kinda shocked him.

And he finally did come back, three years later. So, yeah, this really IS a marathon, not a sprint.

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HollyAnn,

And he finally did come back, three years later.

Are you back with your XH? I thought he was just XH. Aren't you now piecing? I am a bit confused here.

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Long and winding road.

We actually got a D and I moved away for a new job; new life, started dating a bit. He married ow. That lasted a mere 18 months. He called me out of the blue one day; felt such guilt and shame for all the damage.

He D'd ow and we have been dating; taking things really slow.

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Thanks Holly - Truth darts! Exactly what they were - not that he heard them that way!


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I'm having a hard time GALing. I have the kids most of the time. I run my own business from home (in the wedding industry, go figure!). And I don't have alot of friends, if I;m being honest.

H has agreed to be here Mon and Wed nighs so I can go to my running clinics and then alternating Fri-Sun to be with the kids.

I'm going to try and find some things to do on the alternating weekend but finding it hard to come up with ideas.


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Do anything on the weekend; take yourself out for lunch or to a movie.
Hang out at a bookstore; get an espresso.
See if there are any Meet-Up groups in your area.

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I've looked on Meetup - there is a group that sounds interesting for women who are newly seperated or divorced but it runs the same night as one of my running clinics...

Maybe hot yoga...I've wanted to try that. Or meditation classes...

Thanks for the suggestions HollyAnn - starting to think on the right path...


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Feeling better today. Had IC today. Its amazing how I feel so much better when I meet with my C...able to cope some much better.

Stopped at a spa to get my eyebrows shaped on my way home from IC. Good bye unibrow that's been building since BD.

H was home here tonight for his time with the kids in evening. So I went for a hot stone massage. So nice to have some "self-care" as my C would call it. Didn't tell H my plans for massage.

GAL is good. Looking forward to more!


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Here's a question - so H is partially moved out to his buddy's place (here 3 or 4 nights week to watch the kids).

When he is here, he sleeps in the spare room and uses the kids washroom to shower. So he has his toiletries in his shaving bag that he shuffles back and forth between here and hus friends. So his drawer in out ensuite bathroom is for the most part empty.

I'm doing LRT. Do you think it is a good idea or bad idea to use that drawer? I don;t mean to just take over his space - but it shows that I'm not waiting for him to but his stuff back, but moving forward, using the space as I need it?

H does go in our ensuite when the kids are in our tub or shower. And the girls hair stuff (elastic, bobbles, clips) are in our drawers. I can use the space - just not sure if that comes across as cold or moving forward with or without H?

Or I'm I over thinking this? Likely...


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If you need the space, use it, but don't use it just to prove something to your H. I have taken over my H's side of the dresser. He likely doesn't know since I doubt he checks the drawers in the dresser when he is here. I was tired of having to cram all of my clothes into the one side when there was unused space, so I took it. I think the key was that I did it for me, regardless of the message it would send to H.

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Good point. thx.


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I'm not sure what's changed but I'm finding it easier to be detatched. I'm still unhappy that my M is where it is, but I feel able to handle it.

Like I said, not sure whats changed in me. H is here today and will be overnight (in spare room) to do the Easter fun with the kids. Today all of us went grocery shopping and it seemed like old times - all of us together - getting along without issue. But I know its not old times and somehow, not feeling frantic or that I must fix this now.

I was friendly and kind but not my usual inquisitive, controlling self.

Hmmm...


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Maybe I'm giving up. I don;t know.

He's here and I feel like screaming at him. I'm so mad.

He's asking me about how much vacation time he took last year. Thats not why I'm mad - its because he's looking to plan "his" summer (running races, trips for rock climbing, etc.) and basically "his" time off to get out and have fun. Without us. Without me.

Because I work from home, all of the kids appointments, etc are take care of by me. So its not like he needs to plan his vacation days around anyone else but himself. Same with their care for over the summer when school is out.

Part of my anger, I'm sure is hurt, that he's so easily moving on without me.

But it also comes from the fact that H is living the single life with no onus for the kids or the house or OUR life that is still here going on. That all on me. Yes H is contributing financially, but this [censored].


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I feel the same frustration. We are the default caretaker.

Can you use some of the advice I was given? I used to resent so much when my H would make plans with friends without me... but I needed time without him, too! Can you make some plans too, and make a proposal for when you will need him to be on duty? In 6 months since he left, my H has had my daughter by himself overnight maybe twice. The few other times there have been others with him to help out. Me? I get all the 1 a.m. "Mama!" calls, and all the 6:15 wake ups.

Karma, anyone?

Plus, thank goodness our kids have such a strong, capable parent like us in their lives. I'm trying to be more thankful of my blessings, proud of my resilience and strength, and assertive of my needs, instead of just resenting him all the time.


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Quote:
But it also comes from the fact that H is living the single life with no onus for the kids or the house or OUR life that is still here going on. That all on me. Yes H is contributing financially, but this [censored].


I found this very hard at first but one day I looked at my kids and realised that i'd much rather be living my own life (as painful as it was/is) than to be living the life he's chosen right now. It helped a little with the anger & resentment, everytime I felt them i'd remind myself that I'm the lucky one in all this as I have a stable life and beautiful children here.

Big hugs, keep your chin up.


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I am glad - more than glad - that I have the kids. If I was going thru this and didn;t have them, it would be 1000000x harder. Granted it is hard to be the default, as Claire says, but not having them with me would be the worst.

Upwards, you're right about living the live H is right now. Not sure I could stand it - alone, back and forth between "home" and his friends, basically living from a suitcase.

H and I had a R talk last night - he initiated - said how good things were between us on Saturday (when I was able to successfully detatch) but all came crashing down on Sunday (when he asked about vacation and planning his summer - see above).

So he noticed and liked the detactched me - progress.

I admitted that I now realize I was not happy in our R - not getting my emotional needs met - and that I don;t want our old M back. He seemed surprized by that. He wants us to work on ourselves and see where we go from there.

I asked if that meant he was taking D off the table (I KNOW - I KNOW) - he said he was afraid to take it off and leave things open ended. That leaving it open ended could allow things to slip back to the way they were before. I said I understood and that I thought working on ourselves was a great idea - if we're happier with ourselves, our lives would only improve, regardless...

Not sure that changes anything but it felt good talking and him opening up.


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JennD,
You are indeed VERY fortunate to have your kids, for more than the obvious reason that they bless your life: they will be reason for future interaction with their father. My H and I only have dogs together, so there isn't much reason for he and I to have interaction in the future.

I think your conversation sounds optimistic. Since you dont want your old M anyway, the best case scenario IS that you'll not divorce, work on the M as even better individuals and reconcile. I hope you dont get too encouraged, though. Easier said than done, however, as I know that I would get my heart aflutter from the small opening it appears your H gave.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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JennD,
You are indeed VERY fortunate to have your kids, for more than the obvious reason that they bless your life: they will be reason for future interaction with their father. My H and I only have dogs together, so there isn't much reason for he and I to have interaction in the future.

I think your conversation sounds optimistic. Since you dont want your old M anyway, the best case scenario IS that you'll not divorce, work on the M as even better individuals and reconcile. I hope you dont get too encouraged, though. Easier said than done, however, as I know that I would get my heart aflutter from the small opening it appears your H gave.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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sorry for duplicate post...


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Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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That is my hope, cczamo, to leave the past behind, move forward together and build a bigger, better M and keep my family together.

I know, for sooooo many reasons, I'm lucky to have my girls. Love them so much.

I just hope I can get my @^#$ together to do my part to make it happen.

Went to hot yoga tonight - really liked it. Will go back for sure.

Pre-BD, outside of my family, I had no hobbies, no outside interests, and not many friends. Part of the strain on H was that he was my everything - best friend, confidant, sounding board, etc.

I know now how heavy that must have felt for him.

Since last week, I've been pretty good at GAL'ing - hot stone massage, hot yoga, shopping, and I signed up for a meetup group for women going thru "transition".

It feels very aukward at age 41 to be looking to make new friends. I work from home, so not alot of oppourtunity. But I know I need to.

Fingers crossed. For sooooo many reasons.


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Good for you on GALing. Your sitch is similar to mine in that my H was my best friend for so long, until his drinking caused me to drop doing things with my girl friends, as H would invariably embarrass me.

AS are you, I'm now trying to make new friends (not an easy thing for me, as I'm introverted). If my H ever wants to reconcile, OR, if I have another long term relationship, I'm vowing to NEVER let my girlfriends go by the wayside again. I hope your meetup works. Being friends with women in "transition" would be perfect for you to sound off with. They'll no doubt want to share with you. Just dont let them try to change your mind on waiting and DB for your H and M. Most people dont understand that concept and think we are crazy or masochists.

From where I stand at 56 years old, you are a youngster!
Heck at 41 you easily have half your life ahead of you.
Try to take the 30,000 foot view as they say (easier said than done) and know your daughters are learning from you how to handle adversity. They will certainly face some type of adversity in their future, so way to be a positive role model!


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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@JennD and cczamo: another introvert here. Not too close with my mom so my H was definitely my sounding board and I agree-- that is too much for a partner to bear. So part of my GAL is to push myself to reconnect with old friends and also work on new ones...or moving some from acquaintance to friend status. A 180 for me for sure.

Keep it up! And whenever you feel alone just remember there are so many others just like you going through the same thing.


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Thanks ladies.

Feeling very anixous today. My MiL is coming for a visit (she lives in another country). Will be staying with her family. She and I used to be very close and then a few years ago we had a blow up that we never got passed. I tried reaching out but she said she no longer wanted to try.

Shortly after that, H and MiL fell out because of the way she dealt with some family issuse and H felt she made bad choices (I agree) and didn't make any effort to keep in touch with our family. H cut her out of his life (when she would email, etc.) - he would not respond. I would. I would send photos of the kids, send xmas presents, etc.

So she's arriving to our area on Thursday and wants to see "all of us". H sent an email last night to her (first communication to her from H in 2 years) apologizing for his behaviour and that he does want to see her and talk.

She doesn;t know about our split. I'm not sure how she'll react - she is divorced from H's father and it was very painful (20+ years ago). So she might be kind. But she is also not my biggest fan (despite my efforts to make things better) so she could be mean-spirited about it.

I know I'm projecting.

But I'm concerned that she will think this is great and furhter re-inforce the split with H.

I know there is nothing I can do about her feelings or rections. Or his. But I feel very tense about it. It just seems to turn up the volume on my anxiety. Who knew it could be louder!?

Trying to keep busy and not focus on this issue but its front and centre in my mind.


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JennD, keep us posted about MIL visit.
JennD and Claire7, someone started a GAL post on this newbie forum. I'm going to go back and jot some ideas down to use for my GAL-ing.
I went to my DivorceCare monthly pot-luck dinner last evening, and it was nice seeing the 13 or so people after we "graduated" from the 13 week DivorceCare class. We will try to have a monthly pot luck. JennD let us know how your ladies in transition meetup goes.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Just came home from yoga (2nd class ever - really like it) and H said his sister called and said MiL had a stroke.

Just happened this evening. She's apparently in good shape - one side has reduced mobility but is speaking and in good spirits. Will call with more details once they know.

So needless to say she's not coming for the visit.

Asked H if he was going to travel to see her - said he would wait and see what they find out - how severe it is.

Certainly Not glad that she had a stroke but feel like I dodged her judgement (I know I shouldn;t care - working on that).


I did see the GAL'ing topic and have had a good look thru - lots of good ideas.

What is a divorcecare class? Would love to find something ike that around here...


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H's sister called tonight to give us an update. (she doesn;t know about M). H was out so she and I talked for almost an hour. Not alot of new details about MiL - still doing tests. She asked how we where - I didn;t tell her - I just said fine and talked about the kids.

I don't feel its my place to tell his sister whats going on (and I guess I don;t want to tell anyone, hoping that it goes away). Felt aukward about not telling the truth.


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Weird timing on the MiL stroke. And awkward talking to H sister as if nothing happened. I have not spoken to anyone in H family since January, but I know that they know.
DivorceCare can be Googled using an org not com suffix, but its a 13-week divorce recovery support group, usually based in churches, but non-demoninational. They are all over US, not certain about other countries, just in case you are not US located. I've found it to be helpful to my sitch. I've made new friends there. The women in transition meetup you've found is not available in my north texas area, but you may find the same type of support through your meetup. Just know that finding some kind of support is so very important for you, even if it's only here on this forum.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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I'm in tears sitting here. H just left. Was here since Friday - his weekend with the kids. I was in and out throughout that time. Gal'ing - pedicure, yoga, went out with some friends to hear a live band last night, visiting family today.

Was able to be detatched and felt like we (H and I) were able to get along and even enjoy a few laughs. It felt nice.

We had dinner (the kids, H and I) and played with the kids, got them ready for bed and was nice - like old times.

When i came down stairs, H announces that he's not staying here overnight and will be at his friends, where he is living 1/2 the time.

I'm so frustrated and irritated that we are still in this situation. I'm so tired and just want my H back. I miss him so badly.

Just when I feel like things are improving and I'm feeling more in control of my emotions and expectations, things like this creep up and take me out at the knees...I'm not in control of anything - myself included.


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I know how you feel.
Hang in there.
Let yourself feel how you feel and don't beat yourself up. Have a good loud cry if you want to. Those feelings will pass-- you have felt strong recently, and even if you don't at this particular moment, you *will* again.

This is probably one of the hardest (and one of the most important?) things we have ever done.

If we do it right, we have the next half of our lives ahead of us to live happily, to break old patterns and resolve issues we have carried around with us for a long time, and to be strong positive role models for our daughters.


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Thanks Claire. I know I will feel strong again. I just wonder if I will ever feel happy again - right now I just can't see it. Feeling very sorry for myself, I guess.

I thought I was past feeling so badly - feeling like I had made progress. Back as square one.

You are right - how I deal with this will determine so many things. I know I will pick myself back up.


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(Did you see my recent post where I felt very similarly? Emotions are very cyclical for me...maybe you too?)

You *will* feel happy again! No doubt about it!

Be the spouse only a fool would walk away from. (And part of that means continuing to move forward without hating yourself even if you have a moment of weakness). It takes time.


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I did Claire. It does seem to be my pattern too.

Yesterday was very hard. He's going to a wedding for friends this coming weekend - that we were both invited to - before BD - they are more his friends than mine, so he is still going. I'm not.

H had to go and a get a new suit for the wedding - so he went to buy a new one yesterday with out me. But told me all about how good it looks (picks it up Thursday).

I just find it still very hard that he is going on without me. Going to events, buying things, having a life - all without me. And it seems without any grief for the loss of "us".

I feel so stuck in my grief - for not having his company, his support and all the plans in the future that have died because of this. He seems (I know its projecting) fine and content to move forward without any hesitation or thoughts to how we have been a team for 15 years.

He's coming over tonight for his time with the kids. I;m going to yoga.

Just feeling very lonely and isolated without my best friend. Trying to move thru my feelings rather than ignore them but I'm just so tired of feeling like this.


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Sorry your struggling Jenn, your bound to be up & down it's very early in your situation & it's all very new - your doing so well considering how long you've had to adjust.

I know it seems like forever but if you do reconcile it's very likely to take a good while, it won't happen overnight & if it does it likely wouldn't last! You HAVE to use this time to work on truly letting go of your marriage and working on yourself so that you know you'll be happy in the future regardless of your H - that probably feels impossible now but it will happen sooner than you think if your ready to look deep within yourself and make lasting changes for YOU not for your H.

It sounds as though your H is there a lot to see the kids? That isn't easy when your trying to move forward & focus on yourself.


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Thanks for the kind words, Upwards. It feels like forever! He is here more than he's away. I often read and predict what that means - which is pointless, I know.

I have struggled with that fact. It is good for the girls as they miss him alot (He was always a very involved and present father - a great father, really) but it is very hard to have him here - it feels like he keeps ripping the scab off just it might be healing a bit.

We have had a few arguements, where I;ve told him to go and not come back - that this may be our "house", but it is no longer his "home". The arguements always wind down to me telling him how much harder it is to have him here, but not here emotionally (it way I want it to be - there's my control issue again) and he is being kind and trying to respect my feelings (obviously not to the point I'd want frown ) and will stay away if I want him to.

But I;d rather have him here (for the girls) and because it allows me interact with him. Hopefully for the better.

Went to yoga and I feel better. Physically and mentally.

Its so nice to have the support when you feel at the lowest...I truly appreciate it!


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Originally Posted By: JennD
He is here more than he's away. I often read and predict what that means - which is pointless, I know.

It means he's cake eating, he's got the best of both worlds! He's got his freedom and can live the "single life" but has you there and "family life" when it suits him too.

Quote:
I have struggled with that fact. It is good for the girls as they miss him alot (He was always a very involved and present father - a great father, really) but it is very hard to have him here - it feels like he keeps ripping the scab off just it might be healing a bit.

This situation is bound to have an impact on your girls, there is no way you can fully protect them from this which I know is completely heartbreaking frown however right now so much contact and time spent as a family then your H leaving again must be confusing for them? Also they need a healthy & happy Mummy and at the moment by allowing him so much time in the family home you are giving yourself no time to focus on yourself FULLY and no time to heal.

I KNOW right now it feels as though him being around may help things between you because I thought the same too, I did exactly the same as you, it's only now looking back that I can see that I just prolonged my own pain and suffering and it didn't help our situation at all!!

You need some boundaries!! He's chosen to walk away from you & family life and so he needs to feel the consequences of that, otherwise what desire will he have to change anything as he's got everything he wants already - does that make sense? Can he take your kids out or to his place instead of having them at yours?

Quote:
Its so nice to have the support when you feel at the lowest...I truly appreciate it!

It really helps doesn't it, it's a shame we can't private message or share info for one to one support too isn't it!


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I've often wondered if what he's doing is cake eating. When I have blown up (I think its been 2 or 3 times in total) I've said as much to him - that he's living the best of both worlds.

Week 1 - He's here Monday (after work), Wednesday (after work)and Friday(after work) to Sunday night.

Week 2 - He's here Monday (after work), Wednesday (after work)and Thursday(after work)

Our plan is to have him alternate between the 2 weeks.

The friend's house he is saying at is NOT suitable for kids. I wouldn;t even take my shoes off there (not sure how H is sleeping there). The friend is a lifelong batchelor, who smokes like a chimney and does not clean anything. For years, whenever H went by there, he's come home smelling like smoke and sweat.

He has no family here that he is close with - so no real options for other place to take the kids.

The times that H comes here, I usually try and go do something - usually yoga or running around (grocery shopping, pedicure, etc.)

He's trying to be fair - being here 1/2 the week so I have time to do what I need. And has offered that if I need other times (ie soemthing comes up) that he will be here.

He sleeps in the spare room (sadly, the kids are starting to call it "Daddy's room" not the spare room) and leaves most of his clothes there. He takes a small bag and shaving kit when he goes. So he's not really moved out.

How do I stop him from eating cake? Honestly, I'm afraid to upset the apple cart. God forbid I should be angry...;)


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The main thing is does it work for YOU? If your happy with it then don't change it, but if your not then do something about it. Don't worry about upsetting him, he wasn't worrying about you when he dropped this on you!

I just worry your so focused on saving your R and you can't see how it's impacting on your health & how you move forwards.


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I don't know what works for me right now. I feel like someone has put my life into a blender and I'm left trying to figure what to do. I'm hoping that with time and focus, clairty and direction will again be mine. I'm just getting used to the new "normal".

Upwards, thanks for your attention. Especially, given your tough situation right now.

I find my brain will look at the situation with my H and it amazes me how many different perspectives it can create.

Some good, some bad, some hopeful, some not so much.

I'm also finding waves of acceptance and calm (almost calm) that come and go.

I've really spent the last day focusing on living in the moment with my girls and it is so awesome how receptive they are. So loving and caring.

I've been reading and listening to Paul McKenna - "I Can Make You Happy". I'm finding a big diference. Its gently changing my outlook and mood. I;m still upset and worried about my M, but I'm finding it helps.

Getting a doozy of cold. Off to bed early in hopes of shaking it!


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Jenn - I also see my H almost every day. When we told D7 that H was moving out, he told her that she would be spending 50 percent of the time with each parent, but added that the other parent would come tuck her in everyday. So, when she is at H's apartment, I go over at bedtime and tuck her in. He does the same when she is at home. It was really difficult for me at first, especially when I would go to his apartment and then have to leave both of them there, but it really has gotten easier over time.

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Originally Posted By: JennD
Upwards, thanks for your attention. Especially, given your tough situation right now.

I'm by no means an expert but I know just how tough it is being suddenly left as a single parent of small children & I also know how much help you need, I was exactly the same and felt I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. However by setting some boundaries, taking control of what I wanted and how I wanted the situation to work it helped me gain in confidence and realize that I CAN do this on my own and I don't NEED my H to be here all the time.

Looking back now I can see that having him around had such a negative impact on me and how I was feeling but I was too scared and not ready to let go and put the distance between us, it's a process and when your ready you'll make changes that you feel are best for you - I'm not trying to push you, just wanted to share what I can see now looking back, I wish I'd done it from the beginning but I wasn't strong enough until recently.

Quote:
I'm also finding waves of acceptance and calm (almost calm) that come and go.

This is good, hopefully these feelings will come more and more smile it often feels like one step forward and 2 steps back so don't panic if you have days where you struggle, try to remember your healing.

Quote:
I've really spent the last day focusing on living in the moment with my girls and it is so awesome how receptive they are. So loving and caring.

Amazing aren't they, my kids have certainly been my rock through this without even knowing it smile keep focusing on them and yourself.

Someone said something to me that's really stuck in my head, they said to imagine your H has died and you've gone through a lot of grieving process, your still sad and miss him a lot, what would you be doing to rebuild your life and find peace & happiness again?


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Quote:
I'm not in control of anything

There's the truth you need to focus on. A large percentage of the folks who find themselves here are/were controllers. The only thing in life you have control over is you.

What are you doing to learn to be in control of you?

Your H said you were angry and negative and he was tired of walking on eggshells (I don't think he said exactly that but it seemed close. I got the same advice from my H-and he was right)

What are you doing to change that?

I'm also an introvert but I have a few friends. I realize it would be difficult when you work form home but you must need to network and attend business events.

Who don't you have at least one friend? Have you had friendships that ended?

You are grieving, accept that and let it take as long as it takes. Trying to deny it, push it down or hurry it up doesn't work. Accept that you're grieving, accept that you're angry, accept that you're hurt. Remember, accepting your feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them.

Lashing out in anger at your H is reinforcing his need to be away from you.

How are you working on that?

Mind reading is our enemy. You don't really know how he's feeling about being away from you and especially the kids. So don't go there, it doesn't help you. I can't imagine a man who has been an involved father wouldn't sorely miss his Ds.

Cut your interactions with him to a little as you can get by with. With kids you can't really go dark but try to be as dark as possible. Going dark allows you to obtain a semblance of self-control so that every interaction you have isn't charged, because each of those interactions reinforces the WAS reasons for leaving.

You're angry that your H has no responsibilities around the children. How did that happen? I was complicit in creating that situation in my M because I thought I did it better or it was my job. We can't suddenly blame our H's for these things when we were a party to creating the situation. If you want him to have more responsibility, have a talk with him. I think Dad's should have more responsibility and many of them want it.

You change and the R then has space to change. You've been given the gift of time, use it wisely (I'm quoting Cadet). Don't waste your precious time on worrying about and trying to fix the past, use it to change the things you know you need to change. Move forward.

Become the JennD you are meant to be.


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Thanks Hope, Upwards and Labug. I'm focusing alot on what you said. Its given me alot to think about. And work on.

H left this morning to go to work and then on to the wedding weekend for our friends. (2 hours drive away)

Part of me was fine and detatched (telling him to have a great time, etc) and part of me was sad to not be going.

H doesn't wear a suit very often and looks so handsome when he does. I know it will be lot of fun and I'm disappointed that I won't be part of that fun.

Early on in this "adventure", I guess, I had hoped we would be "all fixed up" by now and that we would both be going.

And I guess I'm afraid of how he'll be having a great time without me, further reinforcing how great his single life will be...

Deep breath! Moving on from those thoughts.


I have my IC next week and I will talk with C about alot of the questions Labug asked - what am I doing to lose my controlling and angry ways, and what does my best "me" looks like. All good things for me and everyone in my life.

I'm finding ways so somehow pause the negative spiriling thoughts and, while feeling them, stop focusing to intently on them. Almost acknowledging them, and moving on. Sometimes.

So its just me and my girls this weekend. We have lots of fun planned (I'm kind of impressed with myself for finding so much fun!).

Tonight, as long as the weather holds off, after D7 is home from school, we're goingto a food fest of gourmet food trucks (some really yummy choices!) for dinner. Some friends might join us.

Saturday, D7 has a new yoga class and in the mid afternoon, we are dressing up and going to a watch niece and nephew perform at a folk dancing concert. and then dinner.

Sunday we are going to the first communion of my god-daughter. And family lunch afterwards.

Looking forward to dressing up with my daughters. Although the BD diet has me 35 lbs down and I'll have to see if my dress that I want to wear still fits. I don't usually have an issue with stuff being too big (usually the reverse!) Silver lining? Still not worth it! wink

So off to have a good weekend! Really seeing that I need to live in the moment and enjoy rather than controlling and worrying about whats next...

Feeling positive today. (Thanks to many of my DB friends!)


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Originally Posted By: labug
[quote]

I'm also an introvert but I have a few friends. I realize it would be difficult when you work form home but you must need to network and attend business events.

Who don't you have at least one friend? Have you had friendships that ended?


The funny part is I'm an extrovert. In a big way. H is the introvert. I have no trouble talking to people I don't know.

I just was so wrapped up in my own life and family, that I didn't maintain my friendships.

I have neighbours that I'm friends with - go for coffee or take the kids to movies with. I'm very close with one of my sisters. But thats it.

I;ve signed up for a 3 or so meet up groups and I'm just waiting for the times I'm free match up with the interesting meet up events match. I'm hoping to meet some new friends there.

2 are for others newly seperated or divorced and one is for women looking to make friends with other women.

Fingers crossed.

As much as I don't like to admit it, I am very judgemental and would often dismiss anyone who let me down or didn't meet my expectations.

Its amazing how that characteristic trait was instantly stripped down as I felt (and feel) so humbled and exposed after BD that I now look at others with different eyes.

I now look at others and think that you don't know whats happening in their life and they could be going thru soemthing like me right now or worse.

Maybe this is the silver lining or a lesson from my heartache over the last 3 months - that I learn not to dismiss or judge others. This change truly amazes me.


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Quote:
As much as I don't like to admit it, I am very judgemental and would often dismiss anyone who let me down or didn't meet my expectations.

Its amazing how that characteristic trait was instantly stripped down as I felt (and feel) so humbled and exposed after BD that I now look at others with different eyes.

I now look at others and think that you don't know whats happening in their life and they could be going thru soemthing like me right now or worse.

Maybe this is the silver lining or a lesson from my heartache over the last 3 months - that I learn not to dismiss or judge others. This change truly amazes me.


I needed this lesson too. Your awareness shows a lot of ability for self-reflection. Stay with that.

The growth you've experienced is a sign that even more can happen. As long as we stay stuck in old patterns, there's little room for change.


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Labug - thanks for the insight on my self-reflection.

It felt good to read that! Like I'm doing something right:)


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Originally Posted By: JennD
It felt good to read that! Like I'm doing something right:)


Your doing so much right, give yourself some credit girl smile your doing fab!


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wink


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Hi all. Have had a good few days. (as you know, good is relative!)

H is away at the wedding. He's called to talk to the girls a few times ( to say good night etc) and as a result, have had few friendly words her and there with H.

Been busy with the girls this weekend. We dressed up and had a great afternoon/evening with family at a special event.

One thing - ran into an old friend who I have'nt seen since last summer. She asked how thing were, etc, etc, and asked about H (ie was her at the special event with me).

Was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to respond.

Just said soemthing about him being away for the weekend (which is kind of true - but only the half truth). Made me think about how i will manage that questuon in the future...don;t like that idea.

I haven't been so sad the last few days. Feeling like I'm making changes in my attitude...busy is good.

Thanks for reading...

Jenn


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Originally Posted By: JennD
Was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to respond.

Just said soemthing about him being away for the weekend (which is kind of true - but only the half truth). Made me think about how i will manage that questuon in the future...don;t like that idea.

This is really difficult isnt it, have you told people who are close to you? Sometimes its easier if people know because it opens up the support network although telling people is hard. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

I found it better once everyone knew because then I wasnt having to answer awkward questions and think on the spot - everyone's situation is different so do what works for you.

Quote:
I haven't been so sad the last few days. Feeling like I'm making changes in my attitude...busy is good.

That's really good, I hope things continue to be positive for you! This process is so painful but lots of positives will come from it, it may not feel like it now but you will come through this a much stronger person regardless of what happens in your marriage.


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Originally Posted By: JennD

Just said soemthing about him being away for the weekend (which is kind of true - but only the half truth). Made me think about how i will manage that questuon in the future...don;t like that idea.


We sometimes get caught up in feeling we have to tell people everything in order to be honest. Come up with a stock answer, what's going on in your life is your business.

Very few people need to know more than what you told your acquaintance and you get to decide who those people are.

Brene Brown has a great talk about who we should choose share our vulnerability. She calls it "shame story" and for most us, we feel shame when our M goes south. google Brene Brown shame story. You might like to read more of her work.


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Some very clumsy sentences in that post, not enough coffee.

Hope you can make sense of it. smile


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I could, thanks! Just watched 2 of her TED talks...very interesting and telling!

I often am too honest with people who have no business knowing my finite details.

I've told my immediate family and a neighbour/friends. I'm not sure who/what my family has told to whom.

And yes it is shame that is keeping my from singing it from the rooftops. I want us to work it out. To keep it amongst ourselves and sort it out. Our M is no one's business but ours. (I do realize the irony of writing this on a public chatboard).

A stock answer on hand would be the easiest solution. I was totally caught off-guard.

I'm going to look up Brene Brown's books and see if there is something I might like to read. She is a vert interesting speaker. Thanks for the the tip.


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Ordered 3 of Brene Brown books...they sounds great...


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So tempted to say to H - come on - enough is enough. Stop this crap and come home and lets work this out.

I didn't. But I wanted to. And still want to.

I can't believe this is still happening.

I can't believe that he feels our life was so bad, tht he is willing to do this - me aside - but to stop being with the girls everyday, to have his pay cut in half, to walk away from a beautiful home and be alone, without us.

Starting to sink in that life with me could be that bad.

But at the same time, he's wiling to leave his daughters living with me. How bad could it be?

I just want to slap his face and wake him up.

I've been busy GAL'ing this weekend and it was good. Its just hard to look forward and not have ideas of H included in our - my - future.

I know - his inclusion is his choice. But I still grieving the loss of my plans.

Two steps forward, one step back, I guess.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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H and I are going to our first meeting with a play therapist for the girls, tomorrow night. She meets with us to see what is going on, what our concerns are and then sees the girls, seperately at another time.

In a way, I am concerned that if she tells us that the girls are okay and are coping, that that will reinforce H's feeling about divorce. That it's a good thing and everyone will be fine and D is not an issue for anyone.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

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Originally Posted By: JennD
I can't believe that he feels our life was so bad, tht he is willing to do this - me aside - but to stop being with the girls everyday, to have his pay cut in half, to walk away from a beautiful home and be alone, without us.

Starting to sink in that life with me could be that bad.

None of this is about you, please dont think that, its about HIM and is a reflection of how he feeling about HIMSELF and not you - he is unhappy with how HIS life is and would probably feel the same regardless of who his spouse is or family situation.

It is NOT about you, please keep that in your head!!

Originally Posted By: JennD
In a way, I am concerned that if she tells us that the girls are okay and are coping, that that will reinforce H's feeling about divorce. That it's a good thing and everyone will be fine and D is not an issue for anyone.

No single incident will make or break your marriage, if he's going to file for divorce then he'll do it & if he's not then he wont.

Its a good thing if the playworker is happy with how the girls are coping, please try to see the positives instead of the (possible!) negatives smile


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I'll post in more detail later but wanted to insert a comment or two now...


Originally Posted By: JennD
Thanks for the kind words, Upwards. It feels like forever! He is here more than he's away. I often read and predict what that means - which is pointless, I know.

I have struggled with that fact. It is good for the girls as they miss him alot (He was always a very involved and present father - a great father, really) but it is very hard to have him here - it feels like he keeps ripping the scab off just it might be healing a bit.

A man who was an involved and loving father, WILL MISS HIS CHILDREN. That's reality. He's in pain missing them and that's why he's there so often, which is a positive.
Oh and btw, it's best for the GIRLS so you have to put your needs behind theirs. DO right by your kids and you will have fewer regrets.


We have had a few arguements, where I;ve told him to go and not come back - that this may be our "house", but it is no longer his "home". The arguements always wind down to me telling him how much harder it is to have him here, but not here emotionally (it way I want it to be - there's my control issue again) and he is being kind and trying to respect my feelings (obviously not to the point I'd want frown ) and will stay away if I want him to.


Stop repeating this^^ negative, unattractive behavior. Get a grip and keep it on your mouth when you want to blurt this message out again. He KNOWS how you feel.
Start showing him that you can CHANGE how you behave. The times he is there and you SO HATE that, are the times you can demonstrate the new you.

You do that by action, not speech, let alone angry speech...even if it "ends up" being "okay" (per you). That does not mean he enjoyed it or thought it was "productive".

Chances are your arguments merely solidify his choice to leave.

But I;d rather have him here (for the girls) and because it allows me interact with him. Hopefully for the better.


No more arguing then, please.

Went to yoga and I feel better. Physically and mentally.

Its so nice to have the support when you feel at the lowest...I truly appreciate it!


Keep at this. Regardless if there is or is no OW, IF you show change, you may be able to turn this around.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Its very hard to throw off the blame. Objectively, I know its true - thats its his situation. My brain keeps looking for a 'solution' that will fix this, now. But I know that won't happen.

I'm working at keeping my big yap shut to H. Have gotten better at the that. Its been at least 2 weeks since a blow up or any R talk. Which is the longest since BD. By far!

I keep wanting to say something about R to H but have been able to stop myself. Surprizing, really. So 25, I'm working on it.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
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Originally Posted By: JennD
Its very hard to throw off the blame. Objectively, I know its true - thats its his situation. My brain keeps looking for a 'solution' that will fix this, now. But I know that won't happen.

That^^ does not mean you don't have changes to make. That would be my SOLE focus if I were you. Get out of his "sandbox" and stay in yours. There is work to be done.
Here's what I strongly believe...

He will Not return to the marriage at all, ---
UNLESS he believes that marriage to you---

can be better/different than before.

It's Your job to SHOW him that. Not with words, but Actions.

I'm working at keeping my big yap shut to H. Have gotten better at the that. Its been at least 2 weeks since a blow up or any R talk. Which is the longest since BD. By far!

GOOD!!!


I keep wanting to say something about R to H but have been able to stop myself. Surprizing, really. So 25, I'm working on it.




DO NOT bring up the M. Right now you're in the process of helping Him feel safe around you. So he can feel like you're not his enemy.

I mean, if you want a reconciliation, you cannot insist on being RIGHT and making him "Wrong". Anyhow, once he begins to relax a bit, you can build on that. The goal is NOT to "make him do R talk". The goal is not to "make" him do anything. IT's to stop that. It's to help him see you as a friend, and my DB coach told me to "listen like a lover", "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives", and to "KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH."

None of this is easy...I know, I've been there.....

IF, R talk comes up, you don't keep challenging his choices b/c that forces him to defend the choices some more. I believe he's torn and conflicted and in pain. Don't judge him now, be his ally if you can. Try to seem like you are on his team, but that you "get" that it is his turn at bat.

If he brings up something painful which you know you are at least partly responsible for, and feel some regret about, admit that, & take full responsibility for your actions, (without then measuring his role).

Say "I'm sorry about that b/c I know it hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I"d do differently."

IF HE brings up something you truly do Not recall in a similar way, then say

"Wow H, that's not how I recall it at all, but I"m sorry you were hurt. IF I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Yes I know they're identical second clauses. But together, Neither response ^^ escalates, yet neither makes you into a doormat.

AND they each show an awareness of the need for change, on Your end...

Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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Originally Posted By: JennD
My brain keeps looking for a 'solution' that will fix this, now. But I know that won't happen.


I'm a natural fixer & i've found it very hard to stay back and not try to rescue my H, its taken a lot of self control & even more patience.

The more i've detached, the more i've become aware of when i'm feeling the need to rescue and its allowed me the chance to analyse why I do it. Its amazing what this process can teach us about ourselves!


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Wow! You ladies have opened my eyes this morning! Words of wisdom...

"KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH". That is an excellent way to think of it - I should have that crossed stitched on a pillow...

Self control is not something I specialize or even dabble in, really. This is really forcing me to look at that fact and the reasons behind it. You said it Upwards - self analysis is where I find myself alot. Often when I'm thinking about talking with H about R - I am able to stop and think - why do I feel I need to do this? Will it help? Or will it cause more tension?

I'm a bit worried about going to the Play Therapist tonight as we are explaining our situation to her and I'm afraid that it will explode or at the very least, get heated with H and I. But I think these last few thoughts you have given me put things in to a perspective that really hits home with me. So thank you.

When I think about R talk, its because I need it - I'm looking for reassurance. But It ends with anything but reassurance. I'm asking questions I don't want the answers to right now.

I'm seeing my IC this afternoon. Actually looking forward to it. Always feel like I can exhale after I meet with her.

Thanks again, Team DB!


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Seperated: Feb 12/14

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I realised that pretty quick, I was reaching out & starting R talks because I wanted reassurance that all would be ok however I ALWAYS ended up hurt/upset because he wasn't able to give me the reassurance I needed - lesson learnt!!

Try to keep the focus on your D at the meeting and how your going to help her move forwards from this. I know it's very hard but try to keep your emotion out of it as that won't help your situation - try to see it as a positive thing your doing for your D.

Good luck in IC, mine helps me a lot too!


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Quote:
Self control is not something I specialize or even dabble in, really


You say this in a seemingly joking manner. That's serious stuff. (self-control wasn't my strong suit, either) What are you doing about that?

Your H does need to take 100% responsibility for his 50% of the problem but you have no control over that.

That being said, y

You also have 100% responsibility for your 50% and that's where your focus should remain. I would bet that your lack of self-control has your husband walking on eggshells. Life alone is probably better than walking around waiting to step on a landmine.

Your H does need to see that life with you will be different, very different.

Work on you. We each are given one life to control, our own. Specialize in self-control.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Labug, said tongue in check, it is the truth. I know it is serious stuff- I'm aware of my short comings in self control - more aware then I have ever been. And I am seeking IC to help with that - for anger, self-control, stopping control of others, etc.

Feel like I've been operating with my head in the sand for 41 years. Its amazing the changes in my views.

I agree - we each are 100% responsible for our half of the problems. I have never denied that. And I am working thru IC to deal with this as well.

Tonight it's just H and I with the play therapist. She wants to know what our situation is, what our concerns are, and what the girls are like. Its 1 hour.

And I have made a conscience decision to think before I speak and be aware of what I am saying to keep things calm and non-confrontational. Focusing on whats important and the purpose of the meeting.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Seperated: Feb 12/14

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That's ^^^ a great post.

I clearly identified with your previous post and that's what stirred my response.

You can turn this around and your life can be better than you ever imagined. The catch is, it may not be what you imagined.

Let go and let the good come to you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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I really appreciate this post by LB. (Below) I wanted to respond to the "dabble in self control" comment as well, but La Bug has done it well. So I'll contain myself here to a few comments.

So, the "oops I lost it again" mantra that SEEMS to be your way of saying you lost your sh1t again, gets very old, very fast.

I'm going to give you a 2 x 4 now - for purposes of perspective from your H...and you'll need to have & show empathy for him and how your choices made an impact on HIS choices .

The "oops, I blurted out another"....isn't an "oops" type of act. It's usually a BIG APOLOGY generating blunder.

(Not sure if you need to give him one at the moment, --probably, but you also need to avoid R talk, so just be ready in the future, --

AND OR apologize now for all the times you gave yourself a pass b/c you believed if you felt something, it HAD to be expressed, then & there, to HIM or whomever... (& thus, not really examined, or processed by you, or kept to oneself.)

It's sort of saying "Oh I can have a tantrum if I think I'm right. And I often do. Sure, I have those moments a lot, but I just say 'I'm emotional or go with my emotions' and that makes it acceptable..."

No, it's not alright. It is often abrasive, condescending and in a way its a form of bullying. It's emotion driven, which is not adult behavior. It's more like a tantrum at his expense.

How "best friend" and "lover" and "Co parent" would you be feeling when your partner does this to you, more than once, and then says they want to "make this work" when you finally have had enough?

Even if it is only a few times a YEAR, it's stinging at best, which hurts, and to some folks, it's traumatizing.

Here's one way of understanding why it's unacceptable AND why it's not effective.

My father was a brilliant, highly educated man, with a very stressful job which he could not discuss with anyone. There were 9 kids born in 12 years (STRESSORS!) and my mother, his wife, wanted a lot more help at home. She was better than I would have been, but she did nag. And my dad was sometimes quite the lecturer and quite the yeller. (Worse at times too, but not relevant here).

When he yelled at me, the actual content of his wording was completely, 100% lost. I simply felt attacked. I defended myself or I left his presence. I always always seethed with rage or sadness or both. Never was I able to examine what his actual anger was about originally, b/c it was so disproportionate, it no longer mattered to me. This is why some forms of "communication" are fundamentally flawed. They sure don't work.


His loss of his temper in my eyes, totally over compensated for any wrong I might have done. So I learned nothing but to resent my dad and stay away as much as possible. He learned nothing but resented it when we'd repeat our mistakes. So he'd yell some more.

For a brilliant guy, he learned slowly...and I did the same thing with my H. NO, I did not yell erratically or go on and on. But I did resent his late work hours and instead of giving him a warm home to return to, I feared that would "reward" him for "choosing work over family."

To be fair, there were SOME times he HAD chosen work (accolades, the challenge, etc) over us. And that's lousy. I know!

But did my tactics help, or hurt my cause, or make no difference?
At best they made no difference...for a smartypants like I think of myself, I was also a very slow learner.

I should have had my arms wide & lovingly open to him when he came home, rather than crossed over in anger. I should have provided a home he'd miss when away, b/c what I did for a decade, did NOT work.

Does not matter if I was "right" to feel hurt. DB 101---What matters is my approach failed, and I was too stubborn and prideful to change it. Do what works. Stop doing what doesn't work, EVEN IF you think you are 'right".

Do you want to be right, or happy?

Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
Self control is not something I specialize or even dabble in, really


You say this in a seemingly joking manner. That's serious stuff. (self-control wasn't my strong suit, either) What are you doing about that?

Your H does need to take 100% responsibility for his 50% of the problem but you have no control over that.


While this^^ is inherently true, it's NOT to be said by YOU. IF & When he does admit an error on his end, you can't pounce on it with the scorecard. (LOSE the scorecard! That goes for all of us) See, the thing is, our spouses have their own scorecards and they use different measuring tools and weigh things differently. On THEIR scorecards, we are not winning...hence the need to lose all of them. They hurt marriages, they never help them.



That being said, y

You also have 100% responsibility for your 50% and that's where your focus should remain.

For the foreseeable future, this is the only focus you need to have. YOUR WORK in your sandbox. Don't even look at his to "see if he is growing/working/changing". That is not your job. And moreover, He is NOT here trying to save the marriage; you are.


I would bet that your lack of self-control has your husband walking on eggshells. Life alone is probably better than walking around waiting to step on a landmine.

Your H does need to see that life with you will be different, very different.

Work on you. We each are given one life to control, our own. Specialize in self-control.


This^^ is GOLDEN....take it in and make it part of your new mantra, along with how you will "KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH..."

b/c for him, it's been a rocky road and when inside his own home, he has landed on too many land mines. They hurt and he fears more of them.

I'm going to engage in mind reading for a minute b/c even though we risk a lot when we do it, (i.e., making plans based on assumptions, creating dangerous expectations, etc.)

SOMETIMES we have to wonder about their perspective to try some empathy.

So, MAYBE ----His biggest fear is something along the lines of

"If I go home to the marriage/wife, it'll be more of the same. I'll make a mistake (or wife will say I did) & I will feel hounded and carped at, ("bullied"??) & that cannot be good for the KIDS to see...if wife reverts to her old ways...which I bet she will..."

VERSUS

" IF I LEAVE, then my kids will suffer missing me, and God knows I miss them so much! I cannot stand to be in this position where no matter what I do, I don't get to be happy...all b/c of wife..."

Whenever you two interact, you have the opportunity to show him that his "data" about you is now out of date. It's false. You can ONLY show him this by showing him, not talking to him or telling him that you are now a changed patient woman who holds her tongue and can think in a logical fashion.

You want him to see that you two can problem solve together, that conflicts DO get resolved. Otherwise, no marriage can survive without conflict resolution skills.

The priest who married us was not a warm & fuzzy type. But he said a few useful things and one was "I don't care how often you have conflict; life gives some couples more curve balls than others. All I care about is HOW you resolve those conflicts"...

Hope this helps. Do what works. Let go of failed approaches, no matter how well "deserved" you believe them to be. They did not work so they did not serve you well.

Hang in there & good luck!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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EXCELLENT posts by Labug & 25yearsmlc!! Jenn you need to listen to these ladies, they speak so much wisdom! smile

Are you both now reconciled?


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As far as I know, La Bug and I are both reconciled. Speaking for myself, that does not mean we have "arrived".

I love my h and he loves me. But we and our m, are always a work in progress. I'm at peace with that, btw.

Our children have some long simmering emotions about the choices H made, and those resurface MORE NOW than before. They were deeply wounded and now feel resentment of him and at times I am pulled in different directions.

I wish I had brought them along with me more, on the whole forgiveness road, and I wish Retrovaille had a family or children piece to it. There, at Retrovaille, I saw my h break down crying, b/c of the damage he'd done to our family and how fearful he was that he had wrecked it all.

They did not see that.
I have told them of it, but I wish I had at the time. It felt too intimate to share, then. I felt it was a private matter between h and me.

But I'm not sure I was right. SOME matters are clearly between couples and not for the "family" to know or share, but there are some gray areas I'm not certain of.

La Bug, care to comment or add?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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These recent posts are exactly what I needed to see right now as they are so applicable to my sitch as well.

25 - Because you've spoken so highly of Retrovaille on several threads, I'd like to ask you to take a look at my thread. I want to ask a question, but don't want to hijack Jenn's thread too much.

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I too needed to hear this. THANK YOU


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
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My H and I are are reconciled and our M is a work in progress, always will be. It's great right now, we love each other and are having lots of fun. My sons were older than 25's (I think) when H left and while I know they were affected, they all seem to have worked it out. At least for now, tomorrow could be very different.

Nothing in life is static, nor should it be. That's where we get into trouble, expecting things to always be the way we want them to be. We control because the unknown scares the crap out of us.

It's all unknown and when we accept that, and believe that we can handle whatever comes our way, life gets so much better.

When I'm in my dotage and I look back on my life, having my M come back together will be a small accomplishment. Finding me in that process will be the crowning achievement. My H could leave tomorrow but I will still have me.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Bug - amazing as always. I'm very happy for you!


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
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lth, thanks. It's been a long journey and I'm grateful for what I've learned daily.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I love my h and he loves me. But we and our m, are always a work in progress. I'm at peace with that, btw.


Originally Posted By: labug
My H and I are are reconciled and our M is a work in progress, always will be.


This is something valuable I've taken from this experience, relationships are always work in progress & when we become lazy and comfortable that's when problems begin to arise - I took for granted the fact that my H would always be by my side & that's something I really regret looking back.

So happy for you both smile I hope to be where you are one day!


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^^^^ ditto. Definitely took my H and R for granted. I felt like I had already done the work-- finding someone to marry!-- and that everything would just be smooth sailing after that. Oops. Certainly won't make that mistake again.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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H was here last night. Zero R talk and had decent conversations about normal stuff. Felt good to be light.

Saw my IC 2 days ago and was a very good session. She was impressed by my new insights about me, my interactions with H and issues in M. We talked alot about how my control issues, anger and self-esteem are very interlaced and connected. I feel very good about the progress and understanding I'm fining. (I guess those million of self-help books I've bought in the last 3 months are finally paying off!)

I'm pleased to say that in IC, I am finally able to focus on me and my issues that need attention. Previously, it was mostly all about R and H and what interactions we'd had. Slowly bit by bit, my focus has shifted to somewhere where it will do some good - on to me!

Thanks for all the advise and comments above. I have read and re-read them several time in the last day or two. And I am spending time internalizing the ideas.

The book I;m reading about shame about Brene Brown talks about how to become resiliant to shame and how surrounding yourself with people with empathy and understanding help to remove the sting of shame.

And isolating yourself and not talking about it, helps the shame to fester and grow.

This DB board is great for empathy and compassion as well as the occasional kick in the pants! Family and friends don't always understand why we are still standing for our marriages, so its nice to know we can come to a place (even if it is virtual) to open our hearts and say what is on our chest and hear that we are not alone.

So thanks to DB for having this board and to those who read and comment.

(Feeling very thankful today!)


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
J
JennD Offline OP
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J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
And I know I have more work to do - by no means, am I finshed working on me - but feeling like I'm understanding my responsibility in all this.

And I'm understanding where my actions are coming from and the impact my behaviour has on those around me - H and our children included. Having what Oprah would call an "aha moment".

H called to say good night to the girls tonight. Found it very strange (and sad) to end our call with wishing him a good weekend. Not back in my pity party mode, but struck me as very aukward and weird - I was party of his weekends for the past 15 years....


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
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