Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
J
JennD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
Here's a question - so H is partially moved out to his buddy's place (here 3 or 4 nights week to watch the kids).

When he is here, he sleeps in the spare room and uses the kids washroom to shower. So he has his toiletries in his shaving bag that he shuffles back and forth between here and hus friends. So his drawer in out ensuite bathroom is for the most part empty.

I'm doing LRT. Do you think it is a good idea or bad idea to use that drawer? I don;t mean to just take over his space - but it shows that I'm not waiting for him to but his stuff back, but moving forward, using the space as I need it?

H does go in our ensuite when the kids are in our tub or shower. And the girls hair stuff (elastic, bobbles, clips) are in our drawers. I can use the space - just not sure if that comes across as cold or moving forward with or without H?

Or I'm I over thinking this? Likely...


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 284
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 284
If you need the space, use it, but don't use it just to prove something to your H. I have taken over my H's side of the dresser. He likely doesn't know since I doubt he checks the drawers in the dresser when he is here. I was tired of having to cram all of my clothes into the one side when there was unused space, so I took it. I think the key was that I did it for me, regardless of the message it would send to H.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
J
JennD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
Good point. thx.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
J
JennD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
I'm not sure what's changed but I'm finding it easier to be detatched. I'm still unhappy that my M is where it is, but I feel able to handle it.

Like I said, not sure whats changed in me. H is here today and will be overnight (in spare room) to do the Easter fun with the kids. Today all of us went grocery shopping and it seemed like old times - all of us together - getting along without issue. But I know its not old times and somehow, not feeling frantic or that I must fix this now.

I was friendly and kind but not my usual inquisitive, controlling self.

Hmmm...


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
J
JennD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
Maybe I'm giving up. I don;t know.

He's here and I feel like screaming at him. I'm so mad.

He's asking me about how much vacation time he took last year. Thats not why I'm mad - its because he's looking to plan "his" summer (running races, trips for rock climbing, etc.) and basically "his" time off to get out and have fun. Without us. Without me.

Because I work from home, all of the kids appointments, etc are take care of by me. So its not like he needs to plan his vacation days around anyone else but himself. Same with their care for over the summer when school is out.

Part of my anger, I'm sure is hurt, that he's so easily moving on without me.

But it also comes from the fact that H is living the single life with no onus for the kids or the house or OUR life that is still here going on. That all on me. Yes H is contributing financially, but this [censored].


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
I feel the same frustration. We are the default caretaker.

Can you use some of the advice I was given? I used to resent so much when my H would make plans with friends without me... but I needed time without him, too! Can you make some plans too, and make a proposal for when you will need him to be on duty? In 6 months since he left, my H has had my daughter by himself overnight maybe twice. The few other times there have been others with him to help out. Me? I get all the 1 a.m. "Mama!" calls, and all the 6:15 wake ups.

Karma, anyone?

Plus, thank goodness our kids have such a strong, capable parent like us in their lives. I'm trying to be more thankful of my blessings, proud of my resilience and strength, and assertive of my needs, instead of just resenting him all the time.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 455
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 455
Quote:
But it also comes from the fact that H is living the single life with no onus for the kids or the house or OUR life that is still here going on. That all on me. Yes H is contributing financially, but this [censored].


I found this very hard at first but one day I looked at my kids and realised that i'd much rather be living my own life (as painful as it was/is) than to be living the life he's chosen right now. It helped a little with the anger & resentment, everytime I felt them i'd remind myself that I'm the lucky one in all this as I have a stable life and beautiful children here.

Big hugs, keep your chin up.


Divorce Final: Oct 2014

Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
J
JennD Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 128
I am glad - more than glad - that I have the kids. If I was going thru this and didn;t have them, it would be 1000000x harder. Granted it is hard to be the default, as Claire says, but not having them with me would be the worst.

Upwards, you're right about living the live H is right now. Not sure I could stand it - alone, back and forth between "home" and his friends, basically living from a suitcase.

H and I had a R talk last night - he initiated - said how good things were between us on Saturday (when I was able to successfully detatch) but all came crashing down on Sunday (when he asked about vacation and planning his summer - see above).

So he noticed and liked the detactched me - progress.

I admitted that I now realize I was not happy in our R - not getting my emotional needs met - and that I don;t want our old M back. He seemed surprized by that. He wants us to work on ourselves and see where we go from there.

I asked if that meant he was taking D off the table (I KNOW - I KNOW) - he said he was afraid to take it off and leave things open ended. That leaving it open ended could allow things to slip back to the way they were before. I said I understood and that I thought working on ourselves was a great idea - if we're happier with ourselves, our lives would only improve, regardless...

Not sure that changes anything but it felt good talking and him opening up.


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
JennD,
You are indeed VERY fortunate to have your kids, for more than the obvious reason that they bless your life: they will be reason for future interaction with their father. My H and I only have dogs together, so there isn't much reason for he and I to have interaction in the future.

I think your conversation sounds optimistic. Since you dont want your old M anyway, the best case scenario IS that you'll not divorce, work on the M as even better individuals and reconcile. I hope you dont get too encouraged, though. Easier said than done, however, as I know that I would get my heart aflutter from the small opening it appears your H gave.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
JennD,
You are indeed VERY fortunate to have your kids, for more than the obvious reason that they bless your life: they will be reason for future interaction with their father. My H and I only have dogs together, so there isn't much reason for he and I to have interaction in the future.

I think your conversation sounds optimistic. Since you dont want your old M anyway, the best case scenario IS that you'll not divorce, work on the M as even better individuals and reconcile. I hope you dont get too encouraged, though. Easier said than done, however, as I know that I would get my heart aflutter from the small opening it appears your H gave.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard