2 Months In And Feeling So Broken

[JennD]

Hi all. this is my first post.

Where to start? I've been with my H for 15 years (married for 11) and have 2 young daughters. We've been through alot and always leaned on each other. Two and a half months ago things were great (or so I thought) - we were looking a neighbourhoods to move to, feeling happy and living a great life.

Then mid-January, H starts to be moody, and grumpy. I ask why. Answer - nothing, just feeling like he wants to be alone. So I give him space. Then the moodiness continues. Then slowly he starts telling me he's not happy. He feels left out with me and our 2 daughters. Then that he doesn't love me. That we have been fooling ourselves and we're not happy or in love. Now he says he is numb and has no feelings for me what so ever - no love, no hate, no anger, nothing.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. He moved in to the spare room. He's very quiet and quietly angry. No conversations - not even with our girls.

Then 4 days after dropping the bomb, he tells me after dinner that he has to go. He has to move out - this anger is not good for anyone and he needs to go. So we tell our girls that daddy need to be awy for a bit and that he needs some time to himself. We can call him and he'll be around. Our 3 year old doesn't really get it, but the 6 year old is devistated. After he leaves, she cries and we have long discussions. I tell her that we're trying to work it out and that he'll always be her daddy and that we'll always be a famiy. We just need to be a part for a bit. This conversation has contunied to happen many nights since then with her.

So long story short, he is sleeping on the couch of his male friend (his best man at our wedding!) and has been here 3 or 4 nights a week sleeping over, having dinner here, doing his laundry, etc. I have a running group that I go to certain nights, so he tries to be here so I can still go. He's even here some nights when I don't have my group. He sleeps in the spare room. His mood is better - almost like the old H, but a coldness is there too.

For the most part, we are more civil with each other and even watch some of the old tv shows together once the kids are in bed. We've talked about our R on several occasions. We ventured out on one date where I ended up crying at the restaurant. We had plans for another date but he said its too much pressure. He doesn't have any effort left. He doesn't want to try.

He explaination of what went wrong - I am a very negative person who gets angry alot (not physically - just attitude) and he got tired of trying to make me happy. He said he has had these feeling before but he just pushed them down and they went away.

He is very quiet - easy going. I am extrovert and bossy. He has always used logic to decide things and I have used emotion. Now he is going on pure emotion as his therapist has said he needs to pay attention to his feelings. I feel there needs to be a middle ground.

After all this, he is in induvidual councilling as am I. I asked about couples councilling and he discussed with the therapist and basically unless both of us want to resolve this, there is no point, which he doesn't.

His therapist has called this situational anxiety. Sounds like MLC to me. He doesn;t speak to his mom, his sister, bother or dad. All for differnt reasons - but basically switchd off his feelings for them and is numb to them. Just like he is to me now.

I accept what he is saying about my role - its true and I'm working on it. He claims his role too - not speaking up, always ignoring his feeling to make things non-confrontational. We very rarly have fought.

I feel so broken and betrayed. I'm getting up everyday because of the girls. I have lost so much weight and feel like a zombie.

I have been on my best behaviour until recently - feeling like a student sitting at my desk, sitting tall and hands folded waiting for the teacher to pick me. Last weekend I blew up with him - told him I hate him, that he is wrecking our family, that he needs to work on this rather than walk away. Our problems will still be our problems even if we are divorced. It ended up turning into a good converation as he knew I was not being true. He understood that I needed to get it off my chest.

I've told him he need to stop coming over. Stop pretending we are all liking together and things are great. He wants to continue so our girls have some normalcy. I told him that then he leaves we are all upset - and that this is too hard. I would never block him from the kids.

I don;t know if this is the best thing to do. I want him here. I don;t want him here. I love him - I hate what's he's doing.

Any advice?

Jenn

[hope456]

Jenn - Sorry you find yourself here. Your H's C was right about MC; if he isn't committed to working on the M, it will do more harm than good.

Have you read DB or DR yet? If you haven't, you should. Understanding the concepts in the books (particularly DR) will help you with some of the advice you receive here.

What are you doing to GAL? Even though you probably don't feel like it, it is one of the most important things you can do for yourself right now.

[JennD]

Thanks Hope. I've ordered the DB - hoping to get it in the mail shortly.

I've read alot on these boards, which helps.

As far as GAL, I am trying. But faking it right now. Continuing with my running classes (just started them in Jan before the bomb) and talking with friends. Thats all I can seem to muster right now. Its hard with the 2 kids. And only 1 being is school.

H is around for 2 or 3 nights a week but it seems like when he is here, I only want to be near him, even if its just sitting on 2 seperate couches watching the walking dead. I know I need to stop that.

He called after work tonight to see if I wanted him NOT to come home tonight because the conversation we had last night about how hard this is. He is respectful of my feelings. I told him to not come. He will call to say good night to the kids. And will call Sunday to see about coming over on Monday after work. (its my birthday - let the pity party begin) (we had discussed that the kids kow it my bd and we have to do something - so likely out for dinner with all 4 of us).

I know I need to detatch. I'm just so consumed and confused. I wish I could just flip a switch like H did to turn off my feelings.

And no there is no OW - his parents had a nasty D with OM and he is dead set against anything like that.

Going to take the kids for pizza for dinner tonight. Being home is hard.

[JennD]

Thanks Hope. I've ordered the DB - hoping to get it in the mail shortly.

I've read alot on these boards, which helps.

As far as GAL, I am trying. But faking it right now. Continuing with my running classes (just started them in Jan before the bomb) and talking with friends. Thats all I can seem to muster right now. Its hard with the 2 kids. And only 1 being is school.

H is around for 2 or 3 nights a week but it seems like when he is here, I only want to be near him, even if its just sitting on 2 seperate couches watching the walking dead. I know I need to stop that.

He called after work tonight to see if I wanted him NOT to come home tonight because the conversation we had last night about how hard this is. He is respectful of my feelings. I told him to not come. He will call to say good night to the kids. And will call Sunday to see about coming over on Monday after work. (its my birthday - let the pity party begin) (we had discussed that the kids kow it my bd and we have to do something - so likely out for dinner with all 4 of us).

I know I need to detatch. I'm just so consumed and confused. I wish I could just flip a switch like H did to turn off my feelings.

And no there is no OW - his parents had a nasty D with OM and he is dead set against anything like that.

Going to take the kids for pizza for dinner tonight. Being home is hard.

[JennD]

H is here now. I'm trying to be pleasant and kind. Want to scream and cry. He's so close but has never been farther away. Kids are in bed and we're watching tv.

I want to ask him about his weekend (we was away - not away - not living here - thursday til today) but I'm trying to be quiet without being salty - and not asking...

Very discouraged. Books - DR and DB - are on their way - estimated to arrive on Monday of next week.

Not sure how I can hold on...doesn;t feel like there is any break from this agony...

Needing to vent...just a bit!

[hope456]

He's so close but has never been farther away.

I'm way too familiar with this feeling. At first, I constantly wanted to call my H out on it, saying something like, "of course you don't feel like you are in love. you are acting like we are perfect strangers. Stop being so distant." In fact, I've said a variation of that a time or two. It doesn't help. Do your best to keep a PMA. I've seen several people on the board say to treat him like you would a neighbor. Be friendly, but not cold.

Also, don't ask him about his weekend. Asking questions is pressure. If he offers information, don't pry, but say something like, "I bet that was fun" or "I'm glad you had a good time." Right now I'm saying this to me as much as I am to you. I've had a rough few days trying to cope with my sitch.

Keep posting to journal/vent. You'll always find a supportive ear.

[JennD]

Pheww! He's off to bed (spare room) and I managed not to start any R talk or ask questions about his weekend. I'm afraid I may have come off as sulky - not normal for me to be quiet. He knows quiet usually means something's up.

Neighbour is a good way to think of how to talk with him. Good perspective.

Thanks Hope. Deep breath. For both of us. For all of us.

Goodnight!

[JennD]

Very anxious. Going out tonight with our daughter and H for my birthday dinner. H is coming to dinner more out of obligation as our daughters expect us to 'celebrate'. Last night the older daughter had secret discussions with him about what he needs to get for a present for me and dinner.

He called to today to firm up our plan for tonight. Trying to be neighbourly (ie not to clingy and acting lovingy detatched) I thanked him for getting me a present for the kids and for coming to dinner as I know its aukward. His response - "no problem - no big deal".

So I'm telling myself to be pleasant and kind during dinner. But inside I'm climbing the walls. I want to explode and beg and plead.

I just can't understand how we went from neighbourhood shopping to being "civil" in a few short months.

Today has been a hard day. Last year for my BD - he organized a surprize party for me with my family and friends.

My parents and sisters send a nice bouquet of flowers to me today knowing whats going on (not soemthing they would normally do).

This morning before he left for work, he wished me happy birthday as he kissed the kids goodbye. I just said thanks but couldn;t make eye contact. I know I need to get better fast as this detaching thing.

Sometimes I wish I could get out of my own head.

[AnotherStander]

As far as GAL, I am trying. But faking it right now.

That's OK, the important thing is to keep doing it! It'll get easier and more fun as you go. It'll take your mind off your sitch eventually.

I know I need to detatch. I'm just so consumed and confused. I wish I could just flip a switch like H did to turn off my feelings.

I think we can all relate to that! If it's so easy for the WAS to cut us out of their life, why is it so hard for us to do the same? I think the short answer is it just seems like they flipped a switch, but in reality they've been preparing for months or even years. It's still new and raw to the new LBS though.

And no there is no OW

I was 100% sure there was no OM. It was a good 9 months post BD before I found out there was one. There almost always is. I've heard many people say there's no OP only to say months later that it turns out there is one and was all along. I'm not saying there is one, but I am saying your H is probably hiding a lot more from you than you realize.

Going to take the kids for pizza for dinner tonight. Being home is hard.

Good! GAL includes stuff you do with the kids too

[Upwards]

Be kind to yourself, dont expect too much of yourself just now, your hurting & everything is very raw so your going to struggle to detach and act as though your alright at all times - allow yourself to fall apart if needed, just try to do it when your H isnt around.

Fake it til you make it - thats why "act as if" is so important, we begin by acting as though we're doing fantastic and the more we do it the more it becomes normal, before you know it there will be times where you are actually doing ok even if its only for a split second to begin with.

When you've read the DB book you should have more to work on and put in place - keep posting, it will help you.