Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2442501 04/01/14 07:08 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2442321&page=1

Previous link posted above. Chugging up the mountain.

So I have been thinking lately. Perhaps too much. I have never ever been accused of under thinking something. But I think I am guilty of underthinking my relationship with H before we got married.

I had a discussion with a friend last night who has been friends with H for years. I told her that I made a huge mistake. I married the wrong man. I severely underestimated H and his demons. I never knew dysfunctional to the level H and his family take dysfunction. I assumed because he had been in trouble in his youth that he had learned his lesson. I assumed since he had been divorced already he would never want to go through that again. I assumed since he had a rocky relationship with his oldest son he would do anything to protect his relationship with the younger children. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

What is it about myself that allowed me to fall in love or think I was in love with H? Why did I trust him when there were so many red flags? I know once I moved from Indiana to Wisconsin I wanted it to work desperately. I didn't want to fail and come back with my tail between my legs. Well just look at me now!

Two years later and I am still reeling from H's stupid move. I want to move on. I don't want this to define me. I am still hesitating with legal maneuvers because of self-doubt. Why? Why do I have this self-doubt? Why can't I just chalk this divorce up to bad choices and move on?

I don't want H back. As much as I miss having a family unit I don't want H to be part of it. I don't miss his shenanigans. I don't miss his stupidity with finances. I don't miss much about him. Then why am I sad?

I still question myself and what I did to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage. Of course, H is cracked and that didn't help. But I can't help but wonder even if I had married with someone with all his marbles, would my marriage still survive? I always assumed that I would be the one to break things off and walk out. There were many many times I wanted to, but didn't. I never fathomed for a moment that H would walk away. He always painted me as the immature, emotional half of our marriage who was angry all the time. A ticking time bomb. Now I realize that was all projection.

I know I want to get married again...someday...to the right person. But how...how can you know if it's right? I have mentioned it before but I feel like my "picker" is broken. But I need to heal. Hopefully I can heal. I do not want this to define me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and I can feel better again. But then there would be no lesson learned.

I feel like the clock is ticking for some reason. I don't know why. It can't be my biological clock. LOL! You would think after going through all this for two years I would have the patience of a saint, but it just isn't so. I just have to go through the rough patches like everyone else and talk it through.

And yes, the bad times are further and farther between. Which makes me see how I am progressing and I am healing. It would be way easier if I didn't have to deal with this guy at all. Maybe one day my wish will come true.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
I know how it feels when H pops up again in my life, and it not that often. It still throws me off the balance. I cannot even imagine dealing with H like yours. My H is not that crazy, but still selfish. I do feel that clock is ticking too. All my friends and family remind me about it all the time. They say that I cannot have my life on hold and need to start dating and moving on. But, I feel that I need more time to heal before doing that. I KNOW I need more time. So do you. Your H makes it harder, because he would not live you alone.

I wish I could give you a better advice. I just try to remind myself that no storm lasts forever, and there are better times ahead. Hang in there. You are doing great.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
Thanks, BF.

I am off balance because of 1) the deal that H gets the kids over spring break and 2) the contempt charges my attorney is preparing against H. I tried to contact H yesterday to discuss S's birthday but he wouldn't answer the phone. He called D later that evening but refused to talk to me. He's mad about something...whether it has to do with me or not is another matter. But that's H. Conflict avoidance. And then he projects it onto me.

This is going to be a long month. But by the end of the month this will be almost over. I hope.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
What a childish brat H truly is....and who's the more mature one of the bunch? crazy

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
WH - these are really important questions to be asking yourself, so that you don't keep repeating this pattern in the future.

Why DID you ignore those red flags? I know in my case, my ex also had several red flags that I ignored.

In my case, I think a few factors were operating:

- I'd just come out of a long relationship with a man who was unavailable, and then a short relationship with a guy who also wasn't available. I was anxious to be "paired up".

- Obviously I wasn't confident enough to refuse to settle for a man who had ambivalence about me.

- my ex DID have a lot of qualities that made us a good fit; we wouldn't have lasted 24 years otherwise. I like to think I made it longer with him than anyone else would have under the circumstances.

- I'm such a loyal, loving person that I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that my partner, maybe, wasn't quite so much.

- I don't come from divorce and dysfunction so I underestimated the role it had played in his life.

In my POST-divorce dating, I went through several men who were unavailable emotionally or otherwise. What was really happening was that I felt more comfortable with them, because I wasn't quite ready to give myself fully to a "real" relationship. Now I've been in a serious relationship for a year with a man who treats me like a queen, because I'm finally ready to accept that.

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
Yes, KML. Like you, I didn't come from divorce and dysfunction. Those two things are bad enough, but when you pair them with alcoholism and abuse (which I was not aware of until it was too late) it creates a toxic combination. I thought H was mature and focused and stable enough to get through it. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!

I didn't want to admit to being wrong. I told myself I needed to be more patient and more understanding. I told myself I was too independent and too selfish. I told myself I needed to see H's side of things. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

I assumed since H had been married before and already had a kid his way was the right way and I didn't know what I was doing. Of course, he never tried to argue with me on that point. I was stupid and not confident when it came to relationships. I wanted to have kids. My biological clock was ticking. I was love-bombed.

I had been separated from my ex-fiance for a year. I had ended a relationship with a emotionally unavailable man 6 months previous. PLUS my boyfriend (H's brother) was killed in a car accident months before I met H. I had no business being with H. But I felt that God was giving me a new start with H and that we were "meant to be".

STUPID! But, like you KML, I think 12 years is a long time for H to be faithful and married to anyone. With anyone else it probably would have ended long before.

I think H could be a "serial marriage man". Do you know what I mean by that? I mean rivaling Mickey Rooney or Elizabeth Taylor.

I always dreamed of having a 50 year Golden anniversary. Guess I better shoot for the 25 Silver.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
W H

WE all come from some sort of dysfunction that we have to work through
My XH MLC was a catalyst for me to really work on me

I believe there are No mistakes
I don't think I M the wrong guy
I think XH and I were together for as long as we were supposed to be
We could not grow together
The R was not healthy
We took it as far as we could, but I don't think we were meant to stay together
It would not have benefitted us or the kids


Our awareness helps us navigate our direction
Having some sort of support is essential
spirituality is helpful

I too have now picked a man who treats me exceptionally well
I continue to explore my issues and this R helps me uncover parts of myself that need healing

Peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 661
WH, I could have written a similar synopsis. It's so important to take the time to go back and look at who you were when you met your h. Being young contributed to the decisions we made. Like you, I didn't realize that my xh's past would eventually destroy our future. He had big issues, mostly hidden from me. But there were red flags. I ignored them. I thought we loved each other and building a life together felt wonderful. The red flags were still there, but there was so much good that I focused on that. As it turns out my xh can't really love anyone. It was all a lie. So, why was I so susceptible to his charm? What was missing in me? Why didn't I walk away and cherish my self and my dreams? These are all things I've given a great deal of thought to. I understand you feeling like your "picker" is broken. Instead of thinking about that work on creating a life that you absolutely love. Work on feeling whole. Then you will be in a good place for choosing who you let into your space and your heart. You're the gate keeper.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
Peacetoday thanks for the wonderful thoughts.

I try to remember that my marriage was not a mistake nor my relationship with xH. It was what is was, we had bad and good.

I think in many ways a attracted to my exH because I was so busy always twisting myself into a pretzel to impress others I didn't know who I was. i wanted others to judge me as success because I had a cool job, a relationship and lived in the right neighborhood. I lost focused on myself and who I am


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
Perhaps you are all right. Maybe H wasnt the "wrong" man. I did love him very much. And there were good times. Fun times and lots of love. That is what I miss. But it was not always perfect. It didn't have to end the way it did. And it shouldn't have.

I do think H required more attention than I was willing to give him. I worked a full time job, was a full time mom AND part time dad to two kid's and one stepson. Took care of the house, and the dog, cooking, cleaning, laundry, running kid's around, organizing, getting homework done, making everything perfect for everyone. Of course I got lost in the shuffle and so did H. But I really felt that's what parents are supposed to do. That is what other moms and dads I knew were doing. Why would we be any different? Of course our relationship suffered. But I don't think we were past the point of no return. Of course now I believe there is no going back. Would I have done things differently? Yes and no. I would have not agreed to sell our first home that I loved and build a bigger house we can't afford. But I would not have done anything different with how I handled the kid's.

H is very needy. I am not. He needs to be a hero and I am far too independent to allow that. H has no real friends. No one ever gets close to him. I always wondered why we never had other friends to do stuff with. H said it was because of me. Now I know better.

I made excuses for H. I will not do that anymore. I found myself explaining to others why he was not at a kid's function or why he wasn't at a family function. I realize the person I was explaining to and making excuses most often to was myself.

So I was worried about the deal with spring break. Turns out H didn't even know when spring break is. I called him to discuss S's birthday and he told me he wanted to take the kid's out of school on April 23 for his company's "take your kid's to work day". I said you don't need to. They are on spring break that week. He had no idea. He then asked if it was okay if they spent the night Tuesday night (my night) so he they could leave right away in the morning. I said that was fine. So I don't believe he intends to take them that entire week. But I don't want to speak too soon.

I'm fighting a cold so I am looking forward to resting up tomorrow night. I plan to take a long hot shower and take a lot of honey and lemon and garlic. Those always seem to do the trick for me.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard