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Hi Wonkity!

I'm alive. It's been a rough week at Lake Wobegon though.

D19 has walking pneumonia. I had to rent a vehicle and go get her. She had gone to the health clinic on campus and they diagnosed a viral infection. She called me crying and overwhelmed last Friday. So, I thought I'd bring her home and let her recover and send her back. Then, she took a turn for the worse and we went to the doc.

While she was home, she told me the extent of the damage this semester from her depression and recurring viral infection. Turns out she will need to take an Incomplete in most of her courses. She was a complete wreck and blaming herself for screwing up and yadda, yadda... So, I had to call the advisor and get some answers about what options she has and what we need to do.

It's not the end of the world. But, it's been a bit rough.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Other news:

Smokey came for his visit. Almost ditched. I texted at noon on Friday if he was still coming on Saturday. He responded "No, Sunday at noon." WTF??? Two weeks ago, he had asked to see her without any of her friends on Saturday--the arranged visitation day.

So, I said, sorry, I won't be home at that time on Sunday. So, he ended up coming on Saturday. He was uncommonly nice and seemed to have his tail between his legs again. Even opened the garage door for me. Something shifted when I sent that letter. He had not papers and not a word about anything dissolution related. He told me he split the tax refund and put 1100 in our account.

Surprised the hell outta me on Monday, when, outta the blue, got a text asking about D19's health. Mmmmkayyy. I responded with short, factual texts. I did tell him that she complained about my choice of popsicles and remarked that "Dad always got the good stuff when she was sick."

He texted back: "I'm glad she is remembering something good I did for her."

Did y'all hear that baby cry?? I thought I heard a baby crying.

Anyway, I didn't respond. Whatev.

I did give him an update when she was diagnosed with the walking pneumonia.

His response: Bummer. :-(

Asked a few questions like "Is she on antibiotics?" and, then, "She's tough, she get better."

This is after I spent the money to rent the car, go to the doc, make the umpteen trips to the grocery and spend a million on groceries, rearrange my whole week, deal with the college stuff, buy the $70 worth of scripts and a new humidifier, over the counter meds...

The upshot of all of this? I have an appointment with the attorney I liked for Tuesday at 2.

Oh, and I sold the chicken coop.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Quote:
While she was home, she told me the extent of the damage this semester from her depression and recurring viral infection. Turns out she will need to take an Incomplete in most of her courses.


Better an incomplete than a fail. I regret not pulling my kids out when they were struggling.

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Thanks K :-) I agree.

LiveNow, I never said Hi!! Thanks for dropping by. I've been getting some needs met outside of the boards--never thought that would happen!!--so I've missed some of the newcomers. Welcome! And, thanks for the encouragement. :-) I will stop by your thread and see what craziness brought you here. It gets better, I PROMISE!!!

Well, it's been a strange week at Lake Wobegon...to say the least. :-)

Dealt with walking pneumonia, sold the chicken coop, put out a few fires with clients--some heavy duty fires, went to three meetups where I passed out flyers for summer camp, dealt with Smokey...

D19 is feeling better and was upset with me for NOT taking her back to school yesterday. There was a sorority event that she had to miss. I was firm that the combination of doctor's orders and her lack of attending/handling her coursework = no sorority event. I could see this child going back to school, back to losing herself in sorority events/planning and, then, we'd still have no coursework complete.

I'm leaning towards her taking the fall semester off.

First off, she is holding an office in her sorority that hasn't been held by a freshman in 25 years. There may be good reason for that. She is a brilliant politician, but not so brilliant at pulling off a lot of challenges at once. It was too soon for her to hold office. She put it before all her coursework because this is where she got her love and strokes. Lots of Atta Boys! But not so much in the grade department.

Second, she needs to earn some money. I figured it out and the sorority costs around $1500 per year. I can't handle that expense. She needs to be responsible for it, not me. I've been sending her money haphazard to help out and I can't continue to do this without a plan.

Third, she has ADHD and she needs some accommodations in place. It will take a bit of time to put things in order so she can complete the incompletes and get things settled so we don't have another semester like this one.

Part of why she got sick, IMHO:

1. Running from feelings associated with Smokey.
2. Pressure from lack of funds.
3. Putting too much pressure on herself to succeed with sorority and classes.
4. Lack of accommodations for ADHD.
5. Priorities on the wrong areas/lack of maturity to handle so much responsibility alone.

I want her to work to earn some of these privileges. I want her to sit out a semester and realize how much she is missing and do what's necessary to get back.

In addition, we never stopped since Smokey left. It's been go, go, go where D19 is concerned. She was in the second half of junior year when he left. She was picking colleges. She was a leader in her class...within six months, she spent a weekend in jail and the butt of jokes...then chose the college, went to college, rose back to the top...she has a lot of feelings to face and it's biting her in the a$$. She is a hamster on a wheel. The wheel needs to stop so we can catch up.

I need a dissolution in place to help her financially with college.

Problem is...that means she will be here for a good 6-9 months. Ugh. Living with D19 is a bit like living with Smokey. Not easy. I will need some firm rules in place.

Just thinking out loud. D19 is not going to like this.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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This jus in!!

Received a response from FIL:

Heather
I wanted to clarify that since neither one of you have money to retain an attorney, I told Matt that if the two of you could reach an agreement I would prepare the dissolution documents. When this all started our position has been that the two of you have to work it out and the children, although affected, should not
be involved. With regard to your litany of issues, all l know is there are at least two sides to the story and again the two of you need to resolve or
finalize them. I was confused as to your reference to your Dad, I haven't talk to him in quite a while but I know we are both unhappy with the situation,
and are uncomfortable talking about it.
Dad


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Heather,

Good job on taking a bit stricter approach with your daughter. Even if she's in college, she still needs some guidance from Mom to a certain degree.

As for your FIL's email, how do you feel about his handling the dissolution papers? I would like to see you retaining a L to handle the financial aspects and getting those squared away so you'll have some cushion as a divorced Mom.

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I have an appt with an atty on Tuesday. I made my point with my "litany" of complaints, time to hand it over to a professional.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather, thanks for stopping by at my thread. I agree with Wonka that you need your own lawyer. It seems like FIL tries to be cordial and doesn’t want to be involved in a dispute. It is good that he didn’t defend Smokey, and he doesn’t like the situation.

You are a great Mom. You are doing very fine job with your daughter, trying to support her throught all of this. I’m sure it is a lot for her to handle right now, but with the Mom like you she can make it.


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Heather,
I would still retain my own lawyer because blood is always thicker than water and no matter what your FIL says, he's going to still lookout for his son, being a lawyer or not.

I do agree w/him that you and your h need to resolve whatever issues that you have regarding support, mortgage and visitation and not drag it out any longer than need be. The children should not be involved in these discussions or should hear the two of you discussing them.

Believe it or not, but the situation concerning your h is affecting not only you, but your children. The tension and stress can be felt by the girls and yes, even your family and friends can sense it. If it's not affecting your health, it will if this continues to go on. Time to bite the bullet and get some things down on paper and move forward. Whether he comes back or not hasn't been determined and no one knows what the future holds...but you need to live in the present, not the past and certainly not try to figure out what the future holds.

It's time to start that new chapter in your life and get your finances in order. You have struggled w/finances for a very long time and what better time than to start your new life at spring?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yeah, my translation of FILs email was "hey, I told Smokey I would draw up the papers for free if you guys could come to an agreement, but he implied that everything was peachy keen and would be simple. I have no desire to be drawn into any drama and had no idea when I offered that, that this would be so messy. I don't want to be any part of the negotiations, just call me when it's time to write it up".

Now - it's nice, and convenient, for him to offer to write things up. It might save you some money at some point. I don't get the feeling that he's interested in being Smokey's attorney in an adversarial divorce, but do be careful what you say to him - blood IS thicker than water.

YOU need to see your own attorney however. Even if you mediate things yourself with Smokey, you need an attorney to advise you - there's too much money here at stake. Beg borrow or steal the money to consult with a good divorce attorney - it'll be way cheaper in the end.

THEN you can start negotiating with Smokey, once you've learned what the lay of the land is. And ideally, the sooner the better, before your income goes up.

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