I have a question. Not sure if you all can answer or not.
After you go dark how long did it take some of your H/W's to start coming around to communicate with you? What where some of the signs you all saw that they wanted to start working on your R with you?
I am going on almost 4 months of no communication. Is this somewhat normal?
I have read DR and DB and all the links that people told me to. I have also read about depression and how to help heal it and i have more books on hold at my local library. I am trying to get as much information as i can so i can learn what my H is going through. I know we all have different story's but some are kind of the same. Can someone maybe help me see some light on this. I just feel like because we don't have kids he isn't going to want to come back and work on this. Did anyone else have this same feeling?
W-37 H-36 No kids H-moved out Nov 08,13 H-no contact Dec 18,13 Married for 10 years Together for 12 years
Im sorry I cant give you a time line. Each MLCer is different and on their own journey. Some turn around after a few months, some a few years, some never. I know this is not what you want to hear.
Having had kids would not have prevented this.
Focus on yourself and your life and hobbies. Treat yourself well and work on your issues.
Keep coming back to these boards
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I found for me no matter what I tried in the beginning , it only brought temporary communication
sometimes no contact helps the LBS to detach more
This is the time to work on you..take very good care of you Therapy is very helpful
You will understand more in time
I agree, having kids only complicates this already painful process because then more people are hurt and the LBS has to figure out how to take care of the children and usually alone
keep posting Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I was just wondering if we don't talk to them and they don't want to talk to us, how do some people really know what stage their H/W's are in. Right now I am only going off of our last talk. I know he had anger and depression. When we last talked he couldn't look me in the eyes and when he did they were just so dark and dead like. I knew it wasn't the man I married. I am doing what I can do from the DR book. But something's I can't because we have had no communication. I will be looking for a therapist this week. I know that will be good for me. One other question I have is, is it normal for their family to stop talking to you? Especially if you had a really good relationship with them?
W-37 H-36 No kids H-moved out Nov 08,13 H-no contact Dec 18,13 Married for 10 years Together for 12 years
Maya, The description of the stages and the timeline are nothing more than a guide to help you at first. Just like grieving, there is no set guidelines for that and you can bounce back and forth throughout many of the stages.
As for no contact, it's a really good way to detach and give you time to heal, but also gives him time to put his focus on himself and his issues. When he needs something, he'll contact you...they always do. I wouldn't worry too much w/the silence for now.
As for his family distancing themselves from you and going dark, it's very normal. Blood is thicker than water and for now, you don't know what they've been told by your h. Many times, the family will finally connect the dots and come to realize that their child is in crisis and will begin to warm up, but it all takes time.
For now, keep the focus on you, watch your finances and credit card statements, just in case he's using them. Do not contact him unless it's an emergency or about finances. The less you contact him, the better. Why? Because contacting him looks like pursuit to him and he'll continue to run the other way. Dig out that list of things to do and start working on those hobbies and projects. This is your time to do the things you've put on the back burner and also a time to learn new things. This is a time for you to get back in touch w/your inner self and if you don't like some of the things you've been doing, then change them. Whatever changes you make, they must become permanent.
As for your h, you didn't break him, you can't control him, nor can you cure him. It's his journey to find himself and he must go back to the time where he was stunted emotionally in young adulthood and grow up from there. BTW, it won't happen quickly because his clock is on turtle time...slow.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
