Oh my God. I messed my marriage up all on my own. I have been chatting with a long lost friend tonight and I almost feel like I slammed into a brick wall.
In 2010, our marriage was amazing. We were in love and happy. We were sexual. We posted about each other all the time. We took pics of each other and posted them. We were so in love it was probably sickening to others. Then I got pregnant and he lost his job. I started putting the kids and the pregnancy before him in all areas. He wanted to move the kids to their own beds and I didn't want to...so he moved to his own bed. He would want to go off and do stuff but I didn't want to leave the baby with someone for too long. I didn't want sex so we just went without. We would have sex twice a year...literally. In 2010 - Sept 2011 we had sex 3-4 times a week. I cut him off. No intimacy at all.
He was a neglected husband who put up with a lot. He was unemployed and going to nursing school. At home he was not the man of the house, he was just the babysitter. He didn't get the love and attention from me he deserved. Yes, he should have spoken up...but I should have noticed the drifting. We grew apart quickly. his needs were far from met.
I was totally absorbed in the kids. I went to work, I went to sleep, I went to gymnastics, I homeschooled them...I pushed him out of the way to make more room for the kids.
I took him for granted. I took his love for granted. I took the idea that he would never leave us again for granted.
He wanted to move to Seattle and I refused. I told him I wouldn't move until my grandparents moved with us or passed away. I chose my grandparents over my husband.
How can I fix this? Will DBing work for this? Is there a way to show him that I understand and will work my butt off to fix this? How can I bring his attention back to me when I ran him off in the first place?
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Some of these are valid and common issues. I could have written this exact same post as I'm sure many others could have as well. Really. I could have written your post minus different activities and cities. While everyone plays a role in the demise of the m, you did NOT do this all on your own. I repeat that you did NOT do this on your own.
Every m has issues. Your m, like every other m on this board, was neglected to a certain degree. Lacked intimacy. Kids before marriage. Employment woes. Crazy schedules. We live in a fast paced, instant gratification society. The reality is you fix the things that you need/ want to be fixed and focus on you and your kids. You can go and rehash that you've had a revelation, repeat your post above and not one thing will change. Your h will bring up something else.
I'm not sure if this is very DB but I'm going to go out on a limb. Many marriages have the issues you listed and both parties are happy. Many marriages where people have sex 5 times a week and who have date nights twice a week are unhappy. Each person is different. Everyone has a different mental makeup. I have a feeling your h was going to get to this point regardless of whether your kids slept in another house and what city you lived.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Is there any point in telling him I am sorry for my part? I truly was not a good wife an I am sick to my stomach over this.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
No. If he brings up r talk, you can apologize for what is warranted and validate his feelings. Groveling and saying it's all your fault won't make him want to be in the m. Telling him you will "work hard" on the m will not turn this ship around.
Let's look at this from a logical perspective. Do you really think telling your h that the demise of this marriage is all your fault and that you are willing to do anything to save it is going to make him not want to explore other women, hang out with 20 something's, and forgo tanning ? It's not. Do you think he will suddenly revert back to your "old" h? No. Work on the things you want to fix for you. This is HIS deal.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GA, Every marriage has its ups and downs and no marriage was perfect. Yes, your h should have spoken up if things were not going well and he felt neglected, but he didn't. You are not a mind reader.
The things that he has said are very typical of the MLC script. Your h is in crisis. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
No matter what you did or didn't do, he was destined to have a crisis. He could have been single, a priest/minister or married to someone else, but he still would have gone through a crisis. This is all about HIM and resolving his childhood issues that have been stuffed way down in his soul.
Again, it's about HIM, not YOU. It is very important that you understand that you could pretzel yourself into pure gold dollar signs and he still would say the things that he said. He's not happy w/himself and until he figures himself out, faces his childhood issues and grows up, he will continue to be unhappy.
Bottom line...work on YOU! Keep the focus on YOU and if there are things about yourself or the way that you are living, that you are unhappy with, this correct them...but only make changes if they are for you and they must become permanent. The changes have to be made for you and should not be considered as a way to win him back.
Leave him to his journey. Your journey has begun and you will find that you will have good days and then some bad days, but at the end of the journey, you'll be happy w/the person you have become because you've had to learn to be independent and stronger than you've ever been in your life. Dealing w/MLC is not a sprint....it's a marathon and it takes years to run it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Love the pretzel into gold dollar signs comment, Job:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I am so sorry that we are in the same situation. I feel your pain. I understand that we cannot do anything about MLC. But part of me is to have hugs and the occasional peck on cheek or lips. I feel bad withholding this from H, so occasionally I try only to be turned down. Not sure what to do.
Any suggestions for praying and I? We know that our H are in MLC but we feel like we really messed up. It is sad to watch my H go to work or the store and not give him a hug bc what happens if something happens to him - I still love him.
If your h doesn't want to be touched, respect his wishes. Again,the ups and downs of your marriage did not make him this way. This is HIS deal.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Praying, TLD, and so many others - I'm right there with you. I made alot of mistakes, but he made his too. He acknowledges his part, but I feel that still, deep down, he continues to blame me for much more than just 50%. So very hard to not treat him like your husband anymore. All I've had were a handful of hugs since last July. That's it. I've kind of gotten past the withdrawal now, and it's just my new normal these days...Just so sad any way you look at it...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
