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Joined: Mar 2014
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I understand GA. My birthday is the 26th and it's going to be filled with so much heartache. My W has always surprised me somehow with something wonderful either a heartfelt letter or a gift that blew me away. Now, the grief of that being gone will overshadow everything. Thanks for the song, it resonates so true!


W-37
Me-37
M-16yrs & 5days
W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014
D-8/13/2014
S16
S13
S11
D8
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 222
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I understand GA. My birthday is the 26th and it's going to be filled with so much heartache. My W has always surprised me somehow with something wonderful either a heartfelt letter or a gift that blew me away. Now, the grief of that being gone will overshadow everything. Thanks for the song, it resonates so true!


W-37
Me-37
M-16yrs & 5days
W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014
D-8/13/2014
S16
S13
S11
D8
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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Well, retract my previous claim that he didn't go to school. I mis-read and that's what one gets for snooping.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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Oh no -- that SONG. That one just KILLS me so I just can't listen right now. My favorite version is a live recording by Allen Stone. Love that - soulful. But can't listen now. Still too hard. Or, maybe I should try, and see if I can get through it without crying? Hey, I just might...

I had a birthday on March 21st. I also was used to getting really nice, thoughtful gifts. He always made a big deal out of it. This year, I got a TEXT MESSAGE: "happy birthday." Yeah, that's it. Nice eh? (He was probably with OW, 17 years younger than him by the way, so I guess the text couldn't be too long or she'd wonder what he's doing.)

Hope you're having a better day today, praying_in_GA. As so many have chimed in, it does get better. 10 months in, and I feel like I have finally turned a corner, and I've run right past him now. For everyone it's going to be a different timetable though, and everyone's situation - and MLC'er - is different. Hang in there and keep posting.


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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I made the decision today to stop the madness. I have decided to just let him and my control over the end result go. I got a good, heart-wrenching, shirt drenching cry out....I listened to sappy make me wanna curl into a ball songs.....I listened to empowering songs.....and then I wiped my face and stood up. One day at a time. One day. I can only control myself and my reactions. No reason to look years into the future and try to predict my life. Today is happening now.

Every time I have felt the tears building I imagine a stop sign. He doesn't deserve any more tears today.

I think one day at a time is all I can handle. It's been 2 months of bs already. I can't spend the rest of the year pining over him. He will either stay or go. Not my doing, not my control.... If I keep saying it it will stick, right? Lol.

I can't sit and cry for him any longer. It's been 2 months. He can't have that much control over my life. I am done hurting myself. If he doesn't want me, someone out there will and I can't be a depressed lush when that happens. He's not out there crying and depressed over breaking apart his family...I can't be the one living a sh**y life because he's being this way. I am trying to be realistic with myself. That reality is that we are going to live apart sooner rather than later...even if it is only for a few months or years. I can't spend my life in love with someone who doesn't love want to be with me anymore...someone who doesn't want to work for us even though we have three kids and 14 years together.

I WANT him but I don't NEED him. I LOVE him but I will LIVE without him.


My new theme song:

"A Little Bit Stronger" - Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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Okay, so of course H started talking last night. I sit and listen and add things here and there. Here are a few of his gems:

-He wants a fresh start from this life.
-He flirts a lot and feels/felt that was disrespectful to me/our marriage. There is no one woman I should be worried about...I should be worried about everyone because he sees many women as interesting. They draw his attention and that is when he realized he needed to step back.
-He is worried about the kids and he wants to be a good father.
-He is not interested in trying to be with me at this time.
-If I were to file he would sign. He is fine with me filing. He doesn't want to file on his own.
-He wants me to go sleep with someone else so I can mentally separate from him.
-He has built up an emotional wall to block himself from feeling anything for me.
-He says heartbreak is the worst feeling ever and he hates that he is causing it in me.
-He says that I would be a great friend and he does hope that we will end up being friends.
-He says he hopes one day I will be in love with another man and look back to realize I didn't love him as much as I thought I did.
-He said he was happy to see me being strong today and telling him I didn't ask for his opinion. He said he was proud of me because I need to let him go.
-He said he wants to take a true break from the marriage to see how he feels about his life.
-He said he needs at least 6 months of separation.
-He said he doesn't want to sleep around but he would like to see what it is like to date another woman.
-He said he's not on a quest to feel younger but that he needs his life to change. (I had to stop myself from laughing out loud at this one)
-He said if he were to continue to live as he has been he would look back with regret.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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Woke up this morning ready to crawl back under the covers. It's almost like sleeping resets my confidence. I need to figure out away to immediately reset it again.

My oldest wanted to go spend the night with my grandparents so I got up and too her over there. I stayed for a bit. It was good. I don't usually do stuff the mornings before I work...I don't really know why...but it was good. It made me feel like this wasn't a wasted day. Anyway, my grandfather was so mad about my situation today. I love him. I think it was his anger that truly snapped me out of my dark mood. "He said 'I do' he had s**...this isn't something he walks away from. Dumba**." LOL. I love that man.

So, good day reset! Went home, napped for work, got up and worked out...felt a little off again before my workout. Oh well, it will get better. As I head to work (I seem to sink into my depressive state at work), I start to dread this weekend. Two nights of work and then my birthday. Yay. My grandmother called me and asked if the kids and I would like to go to dinner for my birthday Monday night. (P.S.-it's also my grandfathers birthday!! Then my little one turns two on Tuesday! BIG week ahead!)Of course I said yes, we need to go out and celebrate. H isn't invited. I think I will ask him to put together the kitchen for D2s birthday while we dine. I think I will also take D8 to get a pedicure Monday. I'm calling it a no school day in honor of my birthday.

I read something today that was written for a mom selling off her cloth diaper stash. (I at one point had a huge stash of beautiful diapers. I now have a beautiful stash of baby carriers. I love to wrap my little one!) It sounded like something I would read here so I wanted to share:

Sometimes a fresh start means sitting down with yourself and saying, “That’s what I did. That’s who I was. But that doesn’t fit what I do now, who I am now, and it’s time to let go.”

So you pack up the old with fondness and care, and you tenderly and tearfully send it off to where it will be used and loved, and only then do you realize how much that old stash had been weighing you down.

Chin up, shake it off, breathe deep. A fresh start feels good.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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OMG I think my world just exploded. I am seriously sitting here shaking. Please someone help me.

H removed us as married on FB tonight. I don't know when. I just noticed it. His profile says nothing about being in any relationship at all. It's just gone. All of that confidence I had was just shattered in one stroke of the mouse.

Please, someone, please tell me what to do.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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Okay, so he did me a favor by doing it while I was at work. I can process and slowly accept without being able to immediately react. So here I am crying and shaking and devastated all over again.

So, I don't react when I get home, right? I just let it go. He is probably expecting a reaction. Expecting me to be mad or sad or scream or cry or something. I just breath and swallow it and let it go. Right?

Do I leave mine as saying married? Act like I didn't notice? Do I change mine to separated? (which I had actually started to do twice this week now...kind of ironic)


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
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Praying,

I removed my h as my husband and unfriended him. Why? This man isn't my husband. He doesn't live here . I rarely speak to him. And he behaves nothing like a husband. How do I feel about this now ? Pretty gosh darn good. I'm not completely detached, however, I am getting there. Remember, I know you want to save your m but this is your h now. He isn't "switching" back anytime soon.

I know it's difficult, however your h does sound like he is sharing his feelings with you (even though they seem a little wacky). Having more intimacy and frequent sex with your h isn't going to turn this around. If you do that, he will just pick another issue. (I'm sorry if I'm hijacking) The intimacy issue was what I thought was the major issue in our m. I was positive of it. Wrong! Once we started working on that h said the real issue was that I wasn't committed (3 kids and 12 years). Then it was I didn't tell him EXACTLY how much I made (he did the taxes for 9 years and said he never really " looked" at what I made). Then it was that I didn't support him (he only worked a total of around 4 years of our m)etc. I knew this was him and not me when he started tearing up about traffic one night and blamed me. He said I had driven by 3 hours earlier and should have known traffic would be bad. I know this sounds crazy and many others have similar stories. Your h will just keep adding to the list. Soon it will be that you never wore green shirts or that you never learned to play the drums.

That's why everyone says keep the focus on you. You can listen and validate your h. However, this is his deal. That's why it's so important for you to detach and focus on you and the kids. Don't let his deal make you put your life on hold. You cannot do that! You deserve to enjoy every minute of your life and your kids are only this age once. It's a true statement that you didn't break him so you can't fix him.

Detach. Forget FB, Twitter, flickr, tumbler and snapchat. Focus on you and the kids.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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