I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

Logically, everything you have said makes sense and I have actually said those same things to a friend! However, implementing them into my own life seems to be my sticking point. I'm just so spent. I feel so empty and lost. I am constantly trying and thinking and reading. I just need to let go and live.

Now, who wants to take bets on how long that takes to happen...

[praying_in_GA]

So, I'm feeling rather used at the moment. We are still being intimate. I am the only one working. I just finished paying the bills after homeschooling the kids. I will be leaving shortly to take them to practice. H went to school this morning, went to play basketball with his friends after school, and then went to lunch with them. He does this every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Every week. So I am at home taking care of everything and paying the bills while he is out doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.

Anger. Sadness. Just a lot of emotion going through me right now.

[whytry]

Find some you time

[praying_in_GA]

You know, some days I don't even know if he is in a MLC or if he has just left.

It has been 6 weeks now and things are no where near clear for me yet. It is all my fault though. He has emotionally and mentally checked out of this marriage. I am the one left standing here holding my heart in my hands waiting for it to be stomped on yet again.

We have had a great couple of weeks. We have spent time with the kids, as a family, as a couple. We have been intimate, going on outings together, planning to do something for my birthday together. He has hugged and kissed me more in these two weeks than in the last year. I have been lulled into a false sense of happy and positive. Sigh. It has been my downfall.

So last night we are watching a movie of his choosing. We were chatting on and off a bit. I said to him "You know, I have always felt lucky to have landed you." He smiled and said "Really? *pause* How are you going to feel later?"

So of course, things have been nice in the house and between us. He needed to knock them down a notch. Knock my down a notch. Remind me of where we are and where he is. How could I have been so stupid?

I truly need to let it go. Let the hope go. Let the glimmer of my marriage go. Let my husband go. Let my love for him go. Just let it all go. He is gone. He is done. I am hanging onto nothing. I am the pathetic soul sitting and waiting for him to turn back to me. I am not DBing. I am not following the book. I am a broken woman pining after a broken marriage and thriving on the facade of happy we are throwing around.

My birthday is next week and I just wish I could skip it all. Just come home from work that morning and sleep until the next day.

I know this is my fault. I have been playing myself this whole time. He hasn't lied to me.

[job]

GA,
Have your pity party today and then tomorrow, get up and be the strong individual that you have and continue to be. It's not your fault that he's in crisis. It's not your fault that you didn't break him so that you could fix him. The fault lies in his childhood, somewhere as a young child, he was emotionally stunted and now has to go back there and revisit that time and grow up. He been playing at being an adult for along time, but he now needs to face those demons and truly experience the life he didn't complete back then. Again, it's not your fault.

We all have been where you are today and it's a horrible feeling, however, you will get stronger and as you begin to take the rose colored glasses off, you will see more clearly and be able to better protect your heart. Feel the loss, pain, hurt and anger. Allow those feelings to wash over you and then let them go.

You had expectations, hoping against, hope that things had settled down and he was on his way back. It's part of the coaster ride and now you need to step back, detach and allow the man upstairs to work on him. Many will disagree w/me, but he's having his cake and eating it with a spoonful of ice cream on top. I would suggest that you cut the intimate activities w/him because you don't know where he's been and w/whom once he goes home. Stop doing things for him.

Now, take the cake, plate, fork and knife and put them all away. Time for him to face some of the consequences of his actions. Cake eating time is over. Let him go, both in body, mind and spirit. He needs to go on this journey of self discovery. Your journey of self discovery has begun as well. Who do you want to be and what do you want to accomplish for yourself?

Your birthday is next week, plan to do something special for yourself, i.e., whether it is to take yourself to lunch or dinner, buy some flowers or a special perfume that you like. Maybe take in a movie or do something different from what you've done in the past...but you should recognize and celebrate your special day.

Again, stop blaming yourself for loving a crisis man. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, stand up straight and get on making your life better and no matter what, find something in each and every day to smile about.

[TL72*]

Great advice Job.
It is hard to detach when they're still in the home, but detaching is a must. You should allow yourself some time every day if necessary for grieving, just try and do it somewhere alone but at least that way you get it out. Drive somewhere and cry in your car if you have to, go for a walk or a run, I would cry in the shower, and walk for 30 minutes to try and work out that pain. Just allow yourself a certain amount of time for a pity party and then pray for strength every day, there's nothing you can do to change or fix this and it's not your fault. The only things you can control are you. Make changes in yourself for you. Make plans for your birthday on your own and with your kids, my exH completely forgot my birthday and yes it stings. No expectations. He's going to be a jerk for awhile, they don't just snap out of this. I'm trying to control my own feelings and not allow him to be some sort of puppet master. He only cares about himself right now. It's up to you to go on as if he will never come back. Life will go on. The sun will come up each day. Time will keep ticking. There are a lot of blessings in your life and a lot of good things about you. Journal and list good things about yourself and list the things you won't miss about him. List your many blessings. Take it day by day.

[whytry]

You're right TL72. It's hard with them still at home.

JOB, I always love your advice. it calmly brings me back to where my thoughts should be.

Spouse and I are both detaching due to our sitch so this is very fun both being in household with children in middle.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you all for the words and advice. As always, Job is amazingly insightful.

It is so much harder this time around with him still here in the house. Funny thing he said the other day....he told me that last time it only took me one month to get over him and move on. He said in one months time I was happy and going on without him then he came back for the kids and ruined it all. He said he should have never came back because I was doing well without him. He had moved out last time and I dove head first into DBing like a pro. I was nowhere NEAR over him and our marriage, he just wasn't here to sense those down times.

Anyway, I had so many dreams last night.

First I dreamed we were renewing our vows...but he realized halfway through the day that he wanted to leave so we had to decide what to do.

Then I dreamed That there was dirt everywhere. Dirt and dust and bugs and I couldn't clean it up enough to make him happy. I kept apologizing and he kept saying it was fine but he would disappear for a long time and come back to find me still cleaning.

Then we moved to a party or some sort. There were a bunch of guys there and I kept looking for him. When I would finally find him he would disappear again into the crowd or tell me he was going to get something but never come back. I would randomly find him hanging out with other women then he was gone again.

To say I didn't get much sleep is an understatement. Why can't our minds leave us alone enough to get a good nights sleep?

Detaching and letting go isn't working so well for me. Logically I know I have no control over what happens. I can only choose to stick it out or kick him out. He has to decide to be with me or not. But I can't help the feeling that "If only..."

Basically, it has been almost 7 weeks and I am in the same place I was on day one. I am a DB failure this time around.

[LiveNow]

Hi praying_in_GA - I have had those dreams! Me looking for my (MLC) husband...I was always losing him in a crowd! Looked everywhere, could never find him, or I would find him, then I'd lose him again. Here's one that will give you goose bumps...

I had had a recurring dream for several years. I was somehow trapped in this large basement (clean, dry, mind you, but a basement) with no door, except an opening that was way up too high to get out of without a ladder or something. I was always wondering where my H was, why wasn't he there to help me get out, where was he??

Well, the last time I had that dream was about a month or so ago, after 10 months of DB'ing and waiting around for my MLC'er to come out of the fog (not yet). This time, I was in the basement again, but suddenly sprouted wings -- and FLEW out that door way up there! What does that MEAN?! My therapist was floored. Yes, it means I realized I can take care of myself. I don't need him to be ok. How's that for GAL'ing?

Maybe you will have a similar dream too. 7 weeks is not a long time. Be kind to yourself. But keep trying. You are not a failure.

[praying_in_GA]

LiveNow, I went by and read your thread. It is strange, but I am somehow comforted to know that you and bright both have heard the same "things won't change, we need to D now" speech over and over and over again. That's what I am getting every turn as well.

H told me he isn't sure what to do about my birthday. He said he wants me to have a good birthday though. He is afraid to do anything with me for fear of leading me on. However, he is going out with a group from school on Wed afternoon to celebrate his female friends 21st b-day. He may or may not be home in time to take D8 to practice so I would have to lose an hour of sleep before work so I could take her.

I know I should do something to celebrate my birthday but to be 100% honest though, I have zero interest in going to a movie/dinner/lunch/whatever by myself. Maybe that means I should just to get that first time over with?

He is getting deeper into the MLC script I think. He has started secretly tanning. LOL. Just LOL. He either left school early or didn't go at all this past Wednesday. When I asked how school went that day he said it was good...never mentioned he missed some/all of the day. He has even lied to friends at school about being sick...hence missing the day. He is spending slightly more money on things...like a month of tanning for $71. Our gas bill was $94...yea, I paid that while he paid for tanning.

I was listening to Pandora radio tonight at work. Well, low and behold, Bonnie Raitt "I Can't Make You Love Me" comes on. So I go sit in a room alone and cry harder than I have yet. Tears running down my face and chest. Such an emotional song. Such powerful words. And so poignant. I think it is time that I stop this playing around crap and release him into the world. It's so hard to believe it has been almost 2 months. Seems like it's been so short yet so long...and even yet, I am nowhere near the end of it all. It was so painful to listen to it but it was also eye opening. It made me feel more than I have allowed myself to feel since this whole thing started. Being honest with you all, I have held this strong hope that this was all just going to blow over. I have held onto that so tightly that I have blinded myself to the truth of my life. The first time was 1 month and I deluded myself into believing that would be the case again.

The pain I currently feel is so strong. I have one hour left to let it all out before I head home to him and the kids. I have been hiding my head in the sand these past 2 months. I have been barely treading water and definitely not moving in any meaningful direction. I have been a fool.

Anyway, enough lamenting. It is time for me to lace up these boots and get to work. No matter what, he is gone for now and sitting around pretending it's not happening isn't doing me any good. My life [censored] right now and a huge reason is my own doing.

So, here it is....I can't make you love me....my large dose of reality tonight....

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.

Don't patronize me.


'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.


I'm not giving up the fight, I am taking the power back.