I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

I sat there through the conversation thinking that he finally showed me his colors. I now truly feel like I belong here. All I could think was to mentally thank him for showing me his MLC. It gave me the slightest bit of comfort to know that it isn't / wasn't me. Like you (Job) said a while back when I posted about his past loving posts on FB..."What you've read reconfirms that you and your marriage are not the problem. This is all about him and he has a journey to make to grow up." Change read to heard.

I 100% agree with the dating. I am not going to. I know it would just make him feel more justified in his world.

[praying_in_GA]

Before I left the house today two things happened...

I read a passage about taking life day by day. On those rainy, gloomy days don't sit around being a grouch... grab your rain boots and get ready to splash in puddles.

Then I got in the car and the song of the moment said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

This day will be a good day despite my just at the edge of crying emotions.

[TL72*]

good for you - that's progress! try and keep that positive mental attitude. definitely set time aside for grief when you're alone though, got to feel that and let it out or it only builds up. maybe look up some meditation or breathing techniques to help you through. exercise. it's a good way to relieve some stress. I pray tons of times during the day too and that has helped me a lot.

[Rick1963]

Praying when you feel that your emotions are about to get the better of you try these below:

•STOP: by learning one's unique stress triggers, the patient is taught to STOP, then


•SLOW DOWN: by using one of several "slowing down" techniques (e.g., deep breathing, counting down from 10 to 1, "fake" smiling, "fake" yawning, gum chewing, meditation, exercise, etc.; note that all strategies are supported by scientific data)


•THINK: by using the following steps of planful problem solving: defining the problem, creatively thinking of possible solutions, and making decisions about which ideas to carry out


•ACT: by carrying out the action plan and monitoring the effects

The last one has more to do with planned outcomes, or imagining a problem before it happens and and having a plan of action ready.

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I have to take it hour by hour.

Today H is in the area of the hospital I work in. He has been learning with some of my co-workers and friends. I am sure he is very uncomfortable since they aren't really being too buddy with him.

I also met a couple of his classmates today. I had to work last night and he had clinical this morning so he brought the kids to me at work. He seemed very embarrassed when he introduced us to his friends. One of them was so very nice!

[praying_in_GA]

I'm supposed to be his friend living with him. Just flip the darn switch from wife to friend while everything else remains the same. And he says "I know this is hard for you"... Because apparently it so so #$&@ easy for him.

[praying_in_GA]

Ever wish you would have just stuffed a sock down your throat and then duct taped it in? Yep. Bring on the papers.

[praying_in_GA]

Ramblings:

I am tired of being on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I am tired of being in love with my husband. I am tired of not being able to love him how I want to. I am tired of stopping myself from saying "I love you". I am tired of feeling like life is a game. I am tired of worrying over everything. I am tired of analyzing my life. I am tired of being in this situation. I am tired of being me. I am sad. I am lonely. I am tired of crying. I am tired of reading. I am tired of thinking all.the.time. I just want to be loved. Be happy. Be wanted. Be everything to someone. Be the one he wants. Be enough. I am exhausted already and it has only been 6 weeks. I am tired of feeling like I do it all wrong. I am tired of wanting more. I am tired of not being hugged. I am tired of crying alone. I just want an arm around my shoulder. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want to let it all out and be told it's going to be okay. I am so sad and so tired and so broken and I am tired of it all. This is exhausting and I don't even know if it is worth it. I am hopeless for my sitch. I am hopeless for my marriage. I am a mother and a worker and that is all. My life is work and kids and constant worry about my marriage. I am broken and I am tired and I am lost. I just want my husband, my family, my kids, to be loved, to be whole....to be happy. I am tired of being broken.

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

It's difficult. I think everyone can relate to your feelings and thoughts. Everyone's marriage has issues, none of us just thought we would be here.

I'm not an celery like so many others that share advice here. However, this is one thing that has helped me greatly. I don't like my new h. I just don't. He is not someone I would be friends with - muchless someone I would have 3 kids with. That's who he is now though. And our R is done. It's not going to turn around in a hour, month, or probably even a year.

That being said the things he does are less hurtful. Instead of feeling pain, I just feel weird that my formerly devoted and loyal husband refers to himself as a playa (a word he hated) and hangs out with his new 26 gf. If it wasn't so sad , it would be comical as he has become every cliche in the book. Some of the things the kids say are funny and sad because the older two at 9 and 10 see it for themselves. Even the 4 yr old sees stuff as well.

My point is that your h is a different man. As much as you'd like, he is going to "switch" back. Yes, you may see glimmers although you will see things you don't like as well. You cannot change it. Back off. Yes, your marriage like everyone else's had issues and you have things you can work on to improve yourself. And you should. Always focus on being the best you can be and enjoy your children. This is all on your h. He can only walk this journey. He also must own all that comes along with this journey. With every decision, comes consequences and that too falls on your h. That's why everyone says to leave him be. It truly is HIM and not you.

Look at this time with your kids as a unique gift. You are showing them strength in adversity and that life sometimes throws you a curveball. It would be wonderful to wave a wand and make things go back to normal. However, as sad as I may feel sometimes, I truly believe this happened to me and my kids for a reason. It's only been a few months since BD, and I can say our house has a sense of peace. I miss h and I know the kids miss their Dad. However , he's not here right now in any sense of the word.

Take care of yourself.

[Georgiabelle]

Oops. I'm certainly not celery. I meant expert:-)