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So, H was asleep this afternoon when we left for gymnastics. I just took all three kids and left. He never called or text. No big deal. They were fine with me... But usually he will come get the 2 year old so she doesn't get bored. We left gym, I stopped to get food, then we went to my grandparents. He hasn't contacted me so I assumed he was busy. He finally calls me an hour after gym is over and asks when we will be home... He made dinner. I told him we were out and already ate. He said it was fine it can be reheated for tomorrow.

Tell me why I feel bad? Usually I would call and ask about dinner but I decided not to tonight. Now I feel like an a**. However, he napped on the couch after getting a full nights sleep while I worked a 12 hour shift and took a 2 hour nap and he doesn't seem to feel bad.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
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You feel bad because you've done something that is totally different from what you would normally do. That's okay. How were you to know he was going to prepare dinner? You did what you needed to do in order to keep the peace and harmony w/your kids before going to your grandparents.

I wouldn't worry about it, i.e., as he stated, it can be reheated today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Praying,

Job gives the best advice. It's dinner. Why would you feel bad? Keep the focus on you and your kids. It's just a meal.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Georgia and Job, you two have been so great for me.

H initiated a talk last night. I have to wait to get on the computer and compose my thoughts before I share here. Simply put, he is in a MLC and he is truly struggling with himself.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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Seems like your H is looking for help.

What a great sign.

Dont begrudge your H for sleeping on the couch all day. It is a good sign that he is still at home.

Unfortunately right now you are gonna have to carry a heavy load. Maybe look for some outside help like a babysitter or grand parent to help you with the kids more. MLCer is not gonna be able to help in that way, they need to get their head together first.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Sleeping on the couch all day is a sign of depression. I agree w/Bklyn, it's time to seek some outside help w/the children, if you have family near by, I would ask them. Maybe work some kind of deal w/other mothers in the area for play dates, etc.

The mlcer is unable to help himself/herself, therefore they can't help anyone else. It's true, they need to themselves together before they can become reliable and help others.

So, what are your plans for today?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Praying,

My h would do the same thing- take long naps. He was unable to take out the trash or do literally anything ..,even fill the dog dish with water. However , (and I'm not saying your h is this way) h could go get drunk with friends while still here. Now that he is gone he still can't be bothered with the children or any other responsibilities except for work. However , he can go out with his new friends and devote his time to his new. 26 yr college gal pal. It's whatever they think makes them feel good.

It's great that your h is talking to you. However, they are beyond self absorbed at this time. It's all about them. As a result, you have to make your life all about you and your kids. You can't stop you or your children's life for a crisis you can't control.

Hope you have a greet day.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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He has started waking up at 6 or 7 am every day...even on non-school days. He says it gives him a few hours in the morning before the house wakes up. He is not usually one to take a nap unless he is exhausted. Otherwise, he is still doing everything around the house as usual. Dishes, dinner, lunch (if he is home), yard work...I dunno, maybe he just needed a nap that day?

So, our talk. This may get long as it is just my random typing to get it all on 'paper'.

He took off his band to drive me away. He wants to figure out who he is. He wants to do things alone. He wants to do things that make him uncomfortable so he has to work through it. He may be interested in dating other people but he doesn't think it will work. He wants me to go out with someone to see if it will make him jealous and make me happy. He thinks we would be better friends if we weren't married. He is not looking for a divorce. His idea of separation is that we are having problems. He doesn't want to lead me on but he isn't sure what he wants. He doesn't have feelings for OW but he easily could if he allowed himself to. He said he is half way through his life and he doesn't know who he is. If he were to die tomorrow all he would have done in life is get married, have kids, go back to school, and live his life for everyone around him.

He likes me. He may even love me but we have grown apart as not only spouses but also as friends. He wants our friendship back. He can't imagine not being with me forever. He always thought he would be with me forever. He said if we get divorced he would end up alone in an apartment drinking beer and working two jobs to stay busy. He's not sure what he wants right now so he is just trying whatever comes to mind to try.

He wants me to go ahead and move on, date, file for divorce, kick him out, etc, etc, etc. He says I deserve better than him. I deserve to be happy and loved, not stuck in limbo. He even changed his 'I may love you' to 'No, I'm totally done' in an effort to push me further.

He sounds very confused and unhappy with himself. Parts of the convo gave me the feeling he would be willing to open himself up to our marriage and parts made me think he has given up already. He truly seems lost. He has been sincere in his not wanting to hurt me. He wants to me to be happy and he doesn't feel like that happiness is with him. He trusts me to find an amazing man that will be a wonderful step-father. Then I can be happy and he and I can be friends/co-parents and he doesn't have to feel guilty for hurting me or not being enough for me.

I don't want to date anyone. He said he might want to. He said that was his litmus test to if he wanted to stay married or not. His mind started wondering to if he could/would cheat on me and when it did that scared him and made him think it was time to leave me. He is fairly emotionally immature and can't seem to figure out his feelings vs desires.

It's like he is intrigued by dating other people but he is nervous about doing it plus he says it wouldn't work out anyway and would just hurt me.

I felt bad for him. He seemed so confused about his life and his feelings. He was very sweet and hugged me a couple of times. He said he missed talking to me. He said many times over the last few months he has turned to talk to me as friends again and then just stopped himself.

He surprised me. He said he knows it's not my all my fault (the marriage breakdown) he took the blame where he should.

I stepped in and took the blame where I should. It was very nice to talk about that. He agreed that the marriage breakdown could have been handled sooner if he would have "been a man and spoke up."

I'm going to be loving and empathetic. I am going to be the type of woman no man would want to leave. I am going to work out, go out, love my kids, laugh, smile, and play. I am going to give him room while giving him distant love. Letting him know his friend is still here. That seems to be important to him right now.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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Job, my plans for today...D8 has a short 1 hour practice this afternoon. H is taking S and maybe D2 to his brothers for his (the brothers) birthday 'party'. Then we (the kids and I) will probably go over to my grandparents for a bit. It's supposed to be nice out today so hopefully we can spend some time outside.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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I'm glad to see that you aren't sitting at home mulling over everything that was discussed.

Unfortunately, he is the only one that can help himself and improve his life. Everything he touched on is how a MLCer feels and they just don't get it. The external things aren't going to make him very happy and in time, he will come to realize this as he tries each and every thing to see if it will improve his life and make him happy.

As for dating, I wouldn't. Why? Because it would alleviate some of the guilt he's feeling about dating himself. Stay true to yourself and whatever you do, do not pretzel yourself to try to make him happy. For every little thing he points out that you need to change, once you've done the changes, he'll come up w/another laundry list. Only make changes that you will be happy w/and they can become a part of your day-to-day life.

Your h has a lot of growing up to do and he's going to find out that the illusive happiness over the rainbow just doesn't exist. Happiness comes from within. Please do not drink from the pitcher of Kool-Aid that he is serving. Do not take on his problems as your own, because they aren't. Just remember, if your marriage had been so bad and beyond repair, you would have known about it years ago. He is looking through the rose colored glasses of MLC and until the light of day hits him square in the face, he'll continue to talk the MLC BS.

GA, the best thing you can do is listen, offer no suggestions/advice, unless he asks for it.

Live your life to the fullest and know that you are the prize.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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