I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

Link to first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2436303#Post2436303

Of course, you two are right. He would have seen it as fake again.

It has been 1 month since BD and I feel like we have gotten nowhere except that he has been making sure I know he isn't in this anymore.

After the thing with our son last night, I walked away and composed myself. Then returned to the living room to take care of the littlest. I told H the booster seat he ordered for S would be here Friday. S got all excited about it. I made a remark (in jest) that he was going to be the 'fun' parent while I was the 'safe' parent. H looked at me and said something like 'Everything's not your way only anymore, eh?' I looked at him and looked away. I didn't respond. He then said 'Hey, I didn't to upset you...plus, I will never be the fun parent....and if I am, you will always know they love you more.' I didn't respond to that either.

I am not sure which road to take next. I would say I have come a little ways in the acceptance and detach phase. I know I am nowhere near as far as I need to be but I can tell I am moving in that direction.

Rings are off of both of us. I cried when I took mine off but I know he saw it as me holding onto hope and that is something he has stressed that I need to let go of.

He is still here. As far as I know he has no plans of moving right now. His options are slim but there are options.

He knows I know about his friend. He says there is nothing going on. He says she has a boyfriend and they are just friends. (she is in a long distance relationship) He either can't or refuses to recognize his emotional attachment to the thrill of someone fawning all over him. She is like 'one of the guys' in that they talk about basketball, running, and school. She is even part of the group that meets up and plays basketball after class a few days a week. At this point, he spends more time talking to and being around her than he does me. She is in all of his classes and even his clinical group.

The funny thing? I'm meh about it. I know it's one of those relationships that wouldn't work out in the long run.

So, I need to pick my road. After reading how happy he was one month after he came home last time: Dec 22, 2009 - "thinks he loves his new wife. It wasn't supposed to happen, but I think I'll stay married a bit longer " I thought I should channel how things were back then and try to recreate that time in our marriage. Problem is, I don't really know if that is what I should do now. It goes against all of Sandy's rules and I'm afraid it will push him away. We spent time together and we put the kids to bed early so we had lots of intimacy. He had more of a life outside of the home. Things were easy going and we were flowing nicely between parents/lovers/friends.

I just feel stagnant and resigned to my fate. I have good hours and bad hours. I am at the point where I just don't want to care anymore because I am tired of hurting. I like it better when he is gone so I don't have to think about anything.

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

You are in a difficult spot. It's tough when they are in the home. I know some have been successful with in home separations while others are able to detach once the spouse leaves the home.

IMHO, the only road to take is the high road. Don't take the bait. Your h is trying to push your buttons. Relax. Take a deep breath before reacting. It's okay to smile and turn away or leave the room. I know it can be extremely difficult to respond with a zinger. However, that's what your h wants.

Keep the focus on you and your kids.

[praying_in_GA]

You know, I do think it would be easier without him here. Just easier for me to let go because things aren't so normal. Right now the only thing lacking in this house is the love between the parents. Everything else is as it always has been. Last time he dropped the bomb and left all in one hour. It hurt like hell but it made things easier. I had time to cry and wail and let all of the hurt out. I also had no choice but to pick myself up and march on...someone had to care for the kids.

He said he would leave if I asked him to. It would be hard on all of us...he would be further away from school with crappy internet (making school harder), further away from my house making him less likely to help with gymnastics drop offs and pick ups, in turn making me lose even more sleep between shifts because now I am doing it all on my own. Last time he showed up right when I left for work and left right when I got home. No more, no less. I was easier because I didn't have to see him and I could ignore his calls. I was harder because it was an instant cut off from a two parent household.

He is trying to push buttons. He admitted it last week. He said he has tried to pick fights with me and I'm not taking it. He said I am confusing him and he sees my behavior as fake. He said he has been so used to leaning one way that thinking about leaning another doesn't seem right.

[ladylu]

Hi Sister, I took my rings off Monday too. It was sad but kind of liberating. He has said he doesn't want to be my husband and he is sure not acting like one. So it feels a little self honoring.
Mine is in the house too and that is hard. I make occasionally mistakes too. I have also happily made some good reactions and not realized til afterward that he was clearly testing and baiting me. That is helping me detach and act differently more in the moment. I am really just seeing him like he is my ex and I don't have to explain or defend myself. Or fix things for him for that matter. I don't really care what my H thinks pro or con about my interactions with the kids. I care what I think and what they think. Period.
LL

[praying_in_GA]

So, tell me this... Do I go dim or do I be everything thing I was when he came home last time? Because those are two way different things.

I have been sweet, loving, happy, engaging, not pushy, not clingy, etc. This is what happened during the week he claims made him confused.

Now I have given up so much I don't even want to talk to him.

And let me say say this, If he says to me "this is an odd situation, it's not going to be easy" (or something like that) one more time. I'm ready to scream!!

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

I think you go dim. I'm not an expert. However, I really don't believe someone in a genuine MLC can truly work on a m. Doesn't mean you can't have pleasant interactions. However, your h may be angry or try to push buttons regardless of what you do. Again, I'm fairly new and this may not be sound DB advice:)

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and the children. Be pleasant and focus on yourself and the kids. If he wants to inititate talks or interaction, he will.

[praying_in_GA]

You know, dim feels like the wrong thing to do so it is probably the right thing. Haha.

[job]

Live your life as best you can. Try to look at your h as a roommate and someone who is having mood swings. He's going to try to bait you just to get a reaction out of you to justify the way he's feeling.

As for leaving, unless it really gets to you, I wouldn't ask him to leave. If he wants to leave, he would go under his own steam. If you were to ask him to leave, he would tell everyone that you put him out and it would make you look like the bad person. Mlcers do not like to look bad in the eyes of others...so they push, they bait and the provoke until you open the door and shove them out or they can't take it anymore themselves.

No...this man needs to leave on his own and if he baits you too much and catches you wrong, whatever you say will be enough to encourage him to leave. Walk away and do not engage in his baiting. Smile, be civil, but live your life for you at the moment.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you, Job. You seem to know exactly what to so. I truly appreciate everyone here.

[praying_in_GA]

Well, no matter if he realizes it or not, he is having an EA. Confirmed by my snooping. Trust me, I know I shouldn't have but curiosity killed the cat. At least now I know. Nothing physical or sexual yet. Just him flirting with her, telling her she looks good, and promising to be the first to tell her things (getting his motorcycle license). Oddly enough, I'm fairly okay. I knew in my heart it was happening I just needed my head to catch up I guess.