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Just some tidbits on my sit
M 9 T 17 dd 11 m 47 h 44
Ilybnilwy 3/21/2014
I want to remain freinds 3/21/2014
I cant live with you
We don't get along
Were headed for divorce
I'm DONE
Phone coaching started 3/23/2014



Link to my first thread. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2440912#Post2440912

I want my husband back! Why sit and be angry and feel rejected for years at me not saying anything to me to let me know?
And why when I come to you wanting to improve our relationship does he say he's done?
Does that mean if I had just let things go on as they have for 3 years things wouldn't have gone from no pt to "i want a divorce?"
Why is he going out of his way to attack me , ignore me, and sabotage all efforts to win back his affections? I feel like I just want to die.


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It's taking everything I have not to go to him and try to get him to agree to work on our marriage.
M 2005- T 17- dd 11- bomb 3-22-2014 -ilybnilwy -i still want to be friends - your not the woman I fell in love with - this is all your fault - i drink more because you make me want to drive my truck into a wall - i dread coming home after work - your not any fun - all you want to do is complain - IM DONE - I cant live with you anymore - you treat me horrible... Well you get the picture
We went away last weekend for our anniversary and after a terrific night together with no problems at all, he gets angry first thing in the morning at me for me telling him he should have woke me up before he got dressed to go down for breakfast and began ranting about being done, and our r is dead, how in his mind this weekend was going to show him if we can make our marriage work or not and I failed.
Almost immediately telling me I can have everything because he decided his happiness is more important than monetary things.
We have in my opinion gotten along fine prior to this past jan, but it lacked intimacy and I woke up one day and very badly wanted my husband back and started practicing db tech and spending time with him. I did all the things he liked, drank a beer with him (that never would have happened before my enlightenment) , initiated pt and intimacy , bought him event tickets and gifts, was staying up late with him even though I work extremely early in the a.m..
I told him I wanted our marriage back on track and ask him if he was willing which he said yes, and if he still loved me and he said yes again.
Things were great for a minute but he started calling me fake, and a butt kisser. Said he knows for a fact I will just go back to my old self so he isn't going to have his heart smashed again by me.
Than a few weeks into it he starts doing things to deliberately sabotage all my efforts like staying out all night with his phone turned off , saw his truck at the bar when I was worried and went looking for him at police station, but at closing time he still didn't come home. He flew in here acting mad at me saying he woke up in the Kroger parking lot and I make him so miserable that he'd rather sleep in his truck than come home. Mad at me?
A few nights after this he said he doesn't know if he wants to be married, doesn't believe in marriage. A few nights after that he tells me he is trying to get his feelings back for me that I killed long ago, and that our aniv weekend will make or break it. I told him that fixing our r is a process not an event, but he was adamant on us being alone together for the weekend will be a test if he wants to go on with me.
I guess when I thought we were ok but just lacking a intimacy, he felt I rejected him and hurt him and this went on for 3 years without me knowing how bad it was to him. Now he is saying I've treated him badly almost the whole marriage.
So I spent the last day of our aniv weekend with him getting so drunk he was acting crazy, and treating me terrible in between saying he loves me in between saying we dont get along in between saying he doesn't love me along with initiating sex.
I came home and locked myself in the bathroom and just let out all the tears i held back and laid down to rest only to wake up in a panic because I instantly knew he wanted a divorce. He built himself a man cave in the garage and stays out there until he goes to sleep, and has done this for a few years. I thought it was so he could watch what he wanted on the tv, be loud, smoke etc... He now calls me stupid and says it was to get away from me.
So I've had almost no contact since he dropped the bomb, and yes i at first cried, begged pleaded with him to give this more time. I ask him to give this a year and the best i got was " I'll try" but I know I wont make it two months. M
Help!!!
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Update: I have been keeping busy by doing housework for two days and decided last night I would go out to the garage to fold some laundry and see what he would say , or how he was going to act with me there.
He pretty much ignored me, looked uncomfortable and i ask one question about a tv show and his response was mean and he said I am doing it again. (Talking nonstop and or questioning him to death)
I left him be after that, but feel worse now that I realize he meant what he said about not wanting to try anymore, and I've been in a panic all night and this morning.
He doesn't say goodbye, goodnight anymore, he doesn't call me pet names as he did just last week. My heart races all the time now , and when he comes home for work or comes to bed it's worse.
I cant stop thinking and dissecting all of what he has said to hurt me, trying to remember tiny bits that went unnoticed that says he doesn't want a divorce.
I feel sick inside and just don't understand why it has to be like this?
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I just sent him an email stating that "i dont blame him for the way he feels and he is correct"
I also went out to buy the 5 languages of love but they didnt have it so I bought divorce busters, the divorce remedy and one other book for the time being.
I am not suppose to have another phone coaching till Monday but i set up for my second one today.
I guess IM panicking


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Update;
I am having problems figuring out a few things about h behavior .

So if Im doing my 180's and one of my hardest things is not talking to him about our r, but I bite my lip all day and ask no questions about us, and come to a point where I want to thank him for taking me to the boot factory (he hates shopping) , and all I say is " thank you for taking me today, that is nice of you " .
And his response is " now are you going to drag it out , say it over and over again? This is what makes me angry at you. You never shut up"

What is he doing ? I wasn't doing anything except thanking him ( which I rarely do) . He continued all day to snap at me and tell me everything out of my mouth was stupid.
I feel he is deliberately sabotaging any effect to improve our sitch.

Also we are still sleeping in the same bed, and I've noticed he keeps his eyes shut during intimacy which I dont think he ever did before. And it's usually in the middle of the night after we both fell asleep or if he's had a lot to drink. If I say anything about it he says he was asleep and doesn't remember it? What is that about?


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What is he doing ? I wasn't doing anything except thanking him ( which I rarely do) . He continued all day to snap at me and tell me everything out of my mouth was stupid.
I feel he is deliberately sabotaging any effect to improve our sitch.

You cant improve your sitch but you can improve yourself, you have to detach from his comments and start reinforcing your self steem, accept that he feels like this now and calmly learn to take care of yourself, basically if he approach you in that disrespectfull way and untill you are stronger, just walk away from those comments, youll get to a place where you will be able to tell him not to talk to you like that...
But its early and probably now if you respond to him you will loose it and say things you dont need to say, so just walk away from that and work on yourself, in learning how to validate and how to communicate your needs in a detach mood.

Look at this, when you started the R with him you would not tolearte that he talked to you like that right? What is so different now? Why now you want to accept that way of talking to you?

Breath, you are not gonna improve this in 2 weeks or 2 months, but now you need to detach from those harmfull situations for both of you....time will come when you are able to stand up for yourself from a loving place...


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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Stresse,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I know your world has been turned upside down. I think it's great that you have a coach and are reading DR.

Back off. Focus on you. Your h will blame you for any and everything. I know you want to save your M (we all do). However, focus on making changes that make your life better with or without h.

No R talk. Why? Because you won't like the answers. They will only send you into a tailspin. The reality is that your M as you know it is done. Doesn't mean it can't be better. It takes time. A long time. Don't initiate talks. Be pleasant and busy. Live your life



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BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
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Originally Posted By: stresse
Update: I have been keeping busy by doing housework for two days and decided last night I would go out to the garage to fold some laundry and see what he would say , or how he was going to act with me there.
He pretty much ignored me, looked uncomfortable and i ask one question about a tv show and his response was mean and he said I am doing it again. (Talking nonstop and or questioning him to death)
I left him be after that, but feel worse now that I realize he meant what he said about not wanting to try anymore, and I've been in a panic all night and this morning.
He doesn't say goodbye, goodnight anymore, he doesn't call me pet names as he did just last week. My heart races all the time now , and when he comes home for work or comes to bed it's worse.
I cant stop thinking and dissecting all of what he has said to hurt me, trying to remember tiny bits that went unnoticed that says he doesn't want a divorce.
I feel sick inside and just don't understand why it has to be like this?
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Hi Stresse, sorry you find yourself here. Keep posting I helps. please look for Sandi's 37 rules. there are adapted from the DR book, but pretty much say it all. The likely reason you got hurt in on this exchange was that you went out to the garage to fold Laundry to see what he'd say. basically, don't bother. he's not likely to say anything you'll want to hear. he's puling away from you for now. RETURN THE FAVOR. go out and find things that pique your interest. Create a life that you love whether he's in it or not.

It may not save your M, but it will save YOU. I'm finding that out now myself. smile 25YRSMLC has some amazing examples of the stuff she did to get her through the detachment process. its not about being mean or resentful. its about refocusing on yourself and anything YOU control. which is you, your health and to some degree your children's well being and health. good Luck. Keep writing. you're doing good!


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
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Bomb drop 11/29/13
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I dont really know if he's a mlc or was, he did however indicate he was done with our "dead marriage" his words. And when pressed he said we wont last for 2 months so there was no reason to put off a divorce. He did tell me I can have everything and we would sell the house in same conv as he was bombing me last week.
But now he has simmered down, still very agitated and moody when around me, and continues to tell me periodically that we'll be right back to the brink of divorce if he were to believe in change. So he just simply is going about his business here at home, acting like things are ok and if we are in the same room, conv, or anything together he is cold and angry at me. But he still initiates phys contact in bed (but keeps his eyes shut) and acts like he was asleep the whole time. Like he is ashamed to admit he wanted to touch me.
I know- gal! No r talk! And in my case no questions or to much talk at all since it seems to push his buttons.
Thank you for the replies , I realize were all hurting and maybe soon I will lend support to some of your sitch


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I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I know your going through a lot now but you need to detach.
Who's paying the price though for your husband behavior? You. By being so stressed out. And nothing's probably ever going to change if you don't detach and let him fight his own battle.

This isn't about who's right. This is about you taking care of yourself so you stop exhausting your energy and your happiness having the same go-rounds with him every time this situation comes up.

I do absolutely 100 percent agree that it is not fair to deal with someone's abuse, but at the same time, life is very tricky and complex. It's not like because we have a specific, very frustrating problem in a relationship, we then have to dump the entire thing.

My rule of thumb is this: If you're not getting enough out of the relationship? If your happiness ratio is less than 30% then yes, break up. But if there is more good than bad, and your gut tells you to stick it out, then here are some ways to cope.

DETACHING WITH LOVE:
Detaching with love means that you don’t stop caring, but that you take a few steps back, stop giving advice or getting angry, and focus on you. The key elements of detaching with love are:

-- Know and remember that you are not ultimately responsible for the well-being of others (except children). They have the right to choose if and when to change anything in their lives.
-- You are responsible for your own well-being. If someone upsets you, find a tactful, respectful way to tell your loved one without criticizing or fixing. Say it once and make it short. Get support for yourself when you are not heard. Work on acceptance.
-- When communicating feelings, use “I” statements, such as: “When you don’t take care of yourself, I feel sad and scared.” Or “I’m having trouble hearing your complaints over and over.” Also state, “I AM willing to help you if you want to change, but I am not willing to listen to the same complaints without action.”
-- If you are faced with a difficult, long-term situation, look inside and find a way to improve your own circumstances with or without your partners help. It will rock the boat for a while, but if it is done with love, it will make a huge difference.
-- Detaching with love must include love. It does not mean we shut down and stop caring. Demonstrate your love and support without judging or worrying. Let them know you still care, but that you trust them to solve the problem. It’s OK to ask, “Is there anything you need from me?”, but don’t assume your help is needed.

I'll post on how to develop a healthy boundaries a little later.

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Well I wake up today immediately realizing its my 9th wedding anniversary ...

H happens to be awake watching tv so I felt uncomfortable and just got it
Out and off my chest by telling him "happy anniversary ".

Don't know what I expected but he replied mmhaaaa all dripping with
Boredom and eyeball rolling.

I have been trying to detach, biting my lip so as not to talk about r,
Letting him initiate conv and thinking about gal activities.

I decided to go back in bedroom and stare at him hoping he would say something
Else to me. I know I messed up but I told him " you could at least wish me a happy anniversary "
So he does in a lukewarm snotty voice. I feel real bad today and have a burning urge to email him but decided to vent here instead.
I get that he doesn't believe we can find lasting reconciliation and he pretty
Much thinks everything I do/say is a manipulating move to get him to drop
His guard.

I am just hurt because we still sleep together and live in the same house, but
He just won't respond to wanting to repair his marriage .

I'm not even sure what he wants because he has said so many
Contradicting things.

What's the harm in trying?


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Why am I not worth anything to him ? Is he not afraid of the consequences?
Is he one day gonna just wake up worried that he has gone to far?
I know I haven't even began on detaching and gal.
I am trying to just keep my mouth shut about r to him right now.
Why is he grocery shopping which parts of his marriage he wants
To keep alive? We can be intimate but he doesn't want to
Invest his time in the relationship?

I feel deflated and hopeless today


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The truth is : i dont seem to want to gal , right at this moment I dont feel like doing much of anything. Sure I'll clean house, go to work, read my db books as if.
But to be honest i feel my future hangs onto if my h will reconcile our marriage, and I cant see past my life with him. I feel we went years each doing our own thing, and I now want so badly to mend our r.
Seems the minute I told him my feelings back in jan, he turned on me and is resentful and after 3 years of no fighting and no worrying about him loving me regardless of our sex starved marriage I am now dealing with this sabotage of all efforts that I make to hold on to him.
Why now? Is he now showing his rejection from the past years he felt hurt, but I didn't know?


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But, if you want to have hope if reconciling you'll need to GAL etc. the two go together. They are not in opposition.

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Stresse,

I know you are in a very difficult and painful place. We have all been there. This situation defies logic so don't waste your time trying to figure out the whys or why doesn't he questions. My told my daughter last spring that she never had to worry about her parents separating or divorcing. Obviously, he changed his thought process....

You need to focus on you. You cannot control or change your h. Only you. If you start focusing on you and detaching, the hurtful things he says will not be as noticeable. You will find yourself noticing those things less and less. And please be prepared that you will be blamed for everything!!!! The weather, traffic, a bad opening day in baseball.... It runs the gamut.

All WAS/MLCers have valid issues. Listen to those (you probably know what those are) and make changes that make you better with or without h. I know it is difficult to imagine your life without your h. Right now, your m is done. That's right. Your m as you know it is gone. There are no guarantees. However, you must save you and if you focus on that there is the chance to rebuild an R. This takes time and patience.

Stop talking. He will talk if he has something to say. This is a chance for you to become the best you possible.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
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Stresse, Fake it til you make it. check google for TED talks. Look at Shawn Anchor and Brene Brown and Amy Cuddy. Each of these talks is 10-15 minutes. I promise you won't be disappointed.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
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With these you will see why GAL and other things we are saying make soooo much sense^^^^^


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
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We all know how hard it is, and we have all felt the way you do right now. It is a terrible feeling, but you can't use it as an excuse to curl up and die. Your M will not be fixed for a very long time, if ever, so you need to pick yourself up and start living your life. I know you don't feel like GAL. Do it anyway. It's what saved all of us here, and it will save you, too.

I know what you are thinking. I can't possibly be happy if my M is not restored. You are wrong. You have much to be grateful for and much more to your life and your identity than just being M. (If you are like most of us, you probably lost yourself a bit in the M - now is the time to rectify that - so GAL!!)

Are you in IC? It can be incredibly helpful.

I know you feel terrible - probably the worst you ever have in your life. But trust the process. Do the best you can to eat, sleep and exercise. Keep up your 180s as long as they are genuine and sustainable, no matter what your H says. Drop all expectations of your H. I know that is hard, but you will find that even the smallest and most basic expectations will be disappointed. GAL, that can't be emphasized enough. And follow the 37 rules. Read them every day to remind yourself of them.

As for ML, you need to consider whether you feel ok with it given the circumstances. I am sorry to say, it sounds like your H is wanting out of the M, but is selfish enough to allow you to fulfill his sexual needs. It is possible that ML will help bond you two, I suppose - my DB coach seemed to think so. But you need to decide whether you are OK with it - if it is hurting you or causing you to have expectations, you might want to stop.

Hang in there, you will be OK. It's true what everyone here says - the only way through it is through it. Keep reading and posting.


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It gets easier, you are most likely experiencing depression. It takes time and it is hard, I was right where you are a month ago, it does get better. And trying to figure out the whats and whys is a waste of energy...I know because I still find myself doing that. Good advice above. Hang in there.


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S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

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home Oct(sep rooms)
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Originally Posted By: stresse
The truth is : i dont seem to want to gal , right at this moment I dont feel like doing much of anything.


Every last one of us was there. You have to FORCE yourself to do things. I just wanted to roll up in a ball and rock in the corner. I had to drag myself kicking and screaming out of the house and make myself do fun things. At first they were no fun at all. But each day it got a little easier to go out. Before I knew it I was ENJOYING going out and doing stuff, and hardly thinking about my WAS.

Quote:
But to be honest i feel my future hangs onto if my h will reconcile our marriage, and I cant see past my life with him.


That too is a place we've all been. Keep working on yourself and GAL'ing, and eventually you will see two paths stretched out before you- one with your H, one without. But both equally promising. When you finally get to the point that most of us have where you realize you will not just survive, but thrive whether your H is in your life or not, well then you're a successful DB'ing story no matter what happens to your M.

Quote:
I feel we went years each doing our own thing, and I now want so badly to mend our r.


That's not what he wants though, and you must respect his wishes.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I will check it out, thank yo


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Originally Posted By: unbidden
But, if you want to have hope if reconciling you'll need to GAL etc. the two go together. They are not in opposition.
Originally Posted By: unbidden
But, if you want to have hope if reconciling you'll need to GAL etc. the two go together. They are not in opposition.

I know , I will take baby steps to gal. I certainly can start with my house
Which is in shambles.
Also I have wanted to start working out, I have dropped
A pants size recently with the combo worrying and stress. I always love it when
I loose weight and it would be the perfect time to add exercise.


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Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
Stresse,

I know you are in a very difficult and painful place. We have all been there. This situation defies logic so don't waste your time trying to figure out the whys or why doesn't he questions. My told my daughter last spring that she never had to worry about her parents separating or divorcing. Obviously, he changed his thought process....

You need to focus on you. You cannot control or change your h. Only you. If you start focusing on you and detaching, the hurtful things he says will not be as noticeable. You will find yourself noticing those things less and less. And please be prepared that you will be blamed for everything!!!! The weather, traffic, a bad opening day in baseball.... It runs the gamut.

All WAS/MLCers have valid issues. Listen to those (you probably know what those are) and make changes that make you better with or without h. I know it is difficult to imagine your life without your h. Right now, your m is done. That's right. Your m as you know it is gone. There are no guarantees. However, you must save you and if you focus on that there is the chance to rebuild an R. This takes time and patience.

Stop talking. He will talk if he has something to say. This is a chance for you to become the best you possible.


Yes, I am very confused at what his reactions are , they are not fair
and not what they should be.
Seems even one sentence thanking him is in his opinion "fake, brown nosing " and "I never stop talking.


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Stresse,
My H did the same thing after first BD in August. I would do/fix the exact things he said he wanted me to and then he would lash out at me. Both my IC and DB coach said it's normal and to be expected- they're afraid of believing the change only to be hurt again.

Keep doing your 180s. He needs to see consistent action.


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Originally Posted By: artsy
Stresse,
My H did the same thing after first BD in August. I would do/fix the exact things he said he wanted me to and then he would lash out at me. Both my IC and DB coach said it's normal and to be expected- they're afraid of believing the change only to be hurt again.

Keep doing your 180s. He needs to see consistent action.



Ok, but at the end of the day he is clearly sending the message

( just dont say anything to me because ( you talk to much, you ask stupid questions

(you go on and on(

or my favorite

( whats the point? Your acting fake and in 2 months it will be right back where we started?). But ok, thanks


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My H said the exact same things at first. We are 9 months out, and he genuinely accepts everything now and will even thank me for it. It took almost 3 months for the lashing out to stop.

He truly believes you're trying to trick him. You have to prove it's not an act.


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Stresse,

I'm going to chime in a bit differently. Our major issue was intimacy. When my h was home, I initiated touch, ml, etc. However, when he moved out, that all changed. I don't pursue, touch and the likelihood of me initiating ML at this point is less than zero. I treat him pleasantly as a distant business associate. He also felt that I "had" to be right. I'm doing a 180 on that for me-work situations and personal. I rarely talk to my h so he probably can't "see" some of my work. That's okay. It's for me. He also said I had trust issues. I trusted him implicitly and then I discovered his web of deceit. I never called him on it because it didn't matter.

This takes time. Leave your h alone. Don't initiate any talks ursss absolutely necessary. A simple "thanks" or short response is sufficient. This will NOT be turned around quickly. However, you must work on you for you! Don't make changes in hopes he notices. I know it's difficult but let him be.



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Thurs April 3, 2014

So I guess I will use this space for my journal or venting.

I am still trying to detach, so yesterday I didn't come home right
After work , instead I went to my sisters and hung out until my 3rd Db coach
Session started.

I kept a few questions on a note pad for her to help me
Understand which I find very helpful

My homework for the week was to keep contact short and no initiating conversation. As well as reading and filling my own bucket.

I guess I did better last week , but messed up on my anniversary by complaining about him not saying much, not even a real word to me , which was " ah hunmf" a couple syllables to let me know he didn't want to recognize this day.

.so anyway along with his outburst over the weekend in response to me thanking him for his time I brought this up to my coach. Hoping for her insight on why? I know I shouldn't dwell , but I did.

She ask me if he knows how I feel about the sitch or have I in the past ask him not to respond to me with anger or disrespect? And of course it's come up lots over time.

So she explained he shows does this simply because I have told him it bothers me and ask him not to do it.

So here comes the part that helped me understand why. He has at every turn ask me not to question him , drill him , talk and go on and on about our r and I often find myself doing this even though he's ask me not to, over and over.

She explained he's returning the disrespect I show h by not honoring his wishes.

I never understood why or how me trying to talk about us was disrespectfull until now.

Anyway that's big fore in keeping our interactions light and short.


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So it seems so much worse than 1 week ago:

Db coach stressed to me that I needed to give husband space and keep interactions short with no r talk.

I did this successfully for about 2 days, and on Friday i ask h if we could go to dinner with dd (11) since he found out he had to leave Sunday out of state for work and would be unable to go to a previously planned activity as a family over the weekend.
My dd refused to go with us which it is not unusual for her to not want to go places. We were in the restaurant at the bar waiting for our drinks and our table when he told me " lots of people at work have complimented me on my t-shirt (he was wearing it) and want to know where you got it.

I started to tell him a story about how it was originally bought for my uncle who has since passed away , but that my cats got hair all over it and before I could wash it and give it to him he died.
Well I only got half of my thoughts out before he very angrily said " see , that's one of the things I cant f-word -ing stand about you! You go on and on and never shut the f-word up.. Than he said " you see we cant get along "
Im f-ing DONE! And my heart sank , holding back tears in public.


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What did I say or do to cause such a reaction?


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You didn't do anything. You were just answering his own question. He was rude and you didn't deserve that reaction at all. This one is on him, totally.

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So this caused me to try and talk to him which caused him to talk in "im done mode" split the assets, needs to get away from me. Came home an dd is gone which worried us, left her shoes, coat at home He's searching the neighborhood calling her name. in his truck.
Well the neighbor women across the street ( I think he's having a affair with her anyway) walks up to his truck across the street and come to find our daughter is in her house. They talk for several minutes and I cant hear.
Than he comes home and accuses me of not caring about missing dd and starts to walk away from me.
I follow him and he goes out the front door, leaves in his truck. I was so upset that I walk across the street to talk to the ow , really dont know if she's eo or pay but I felt crazed.


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The reason my dd was at her house is because she also has a dd and they are freinds.
So I find out ow is at a bar with her gf and I talk to her husband about some of my problems with h and concerns really not saying too much about what I really think because I don't know his thoughts and hoping he can shed some light .

He tells me his w filed for divorce in nov, that they sleep in separate rooms, and that he cant control her, and wouldn't be able to anyway.
Than he told me what bar his w is at and suggested i drive through the parking lot to see if my h was with her. He had told me on the phone he was going somewhere else. I went against db and drove to bar and h truck was there. So upset!


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You didn't do anything wrong, this one is certainly on him!!

So sorry your in this position - Have you read the DR/DB books? There is a section specifically on infidelity you would find helpful.


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Continued:
After I saw husbands truck at the bar with ow I went back to ow h house to let him know he was right and they were together.


I really dont know what this man thinks so I cant just blurt out anything. So ow h starts to laugh and tells me "you know he has another cell phone don't you?" Stomach sunk and I ask him how do you know this?

"I know" as he gets on his computer and starts looking at some phone log for the number. He has me write it down and tells me it was bought at Walmart.

So I tell ow h this isnt like him, and some woman has bought him this phone with his reply "not my wife". Now I do know he also thinks something is going on between them, and they have had many fights over this very thing.

He goes on to ask me if me and my h still are intimate. ( strange question) coming from man that didnt want to elaborate anything to me. Unless he wants to tell his wife we are sleeping together as some kind of ammunition towards his wife to hurt her.


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Yes I am reading db and have had 4 coaching sessions.
I keep getting pulled into these emotionally charged pursuing conversations with h. Coach says he is pushing my buttons and enjoys causing me pain.
Trying so hard :


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Continued:
I woke up in a panic the next morning and h was in bed next to me asleep.
Waited and drank coffee, talked to sister and soon I would have to leave for work.
Just couldn't stop myself from asking where he ended up last night, in which he lied.
Said if he's gonna get accused of sleeping around he might as well do it.
Started calling me names, b-word, c-word evil, started telling me were done! Went to work crying my eyes out.

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First thing I would recommend is that you change your name. If you call yourself "stressed" you will always be stressed. Change it to something more positive.

Next, your coach is right. That's why you need to get yourself as strong as possible. Physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Get ready to stand strong on your own so that no matter what he does it won't affect you.

What I did in my case when my W was at her worst was I imagined her as being one of those "crazy" people that I would see yelling and muttering to themselves. It got me to the point where no matter what she said, I could chuckle at, shake my head in pity at her and then continue on my way. Your H's words hurt because you put weight and meaning to them. You can avoid all that.


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Originally Posted By: MrBond
First thing I would recommend is that you change your name. If you call yourself "stressed" you will always be stressed. Change it to something more positive.

Next, your coach is right. That's why you need to get yourself as strong as possible. Physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Get ready to stand strong on your own so that no matter what he does it won't affect you.

What I did in my case when my W was at her worst was I imagined her as being one of those "crazy" people that I would see yelling and muttering to themselves. It got me to the point where no matter what she said, I could chuckle at, shake my head in pity at her and then continue on my way. Your H's words hurt because you put weight and meaning to them. You can avoid all that.
. Thank you MrBond

Your somewhat of a big deal around here and appreciate your suggestions.

My coach thinks I have abandonment issues and must realize those feelings of panic leads directly to pursuing behavior from a traumatizing experience in my childhood.


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Continued:

Work was impossible with me crying on and off all day, later on I went to a bar with my employer trying to help calm down

I don't even drink so this is more out of control actions to try to avoid the pain.

Started drunk dialing my adult son ( not my h child) telling him of my fears that h has ow.
Probably shouldn't have done that since now son is all worried about me and wanting to beat my h up.
I called h also to tell him I wasn't coming home till I slept it off, he said he didn't care what I did, and started yelling at me for something my dd needed for school, saying not to worry because even though I don't care about her, he took care of it.

It was ridiculous and he is trying to turn her against me.


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Cont:

Came back in the early morning to find house torn up , overturned hampers and stuff strung out from closet all over floor. H is leaving this morning on work trip so he had needed to pack. I'm guessing he was drunk and couldn't pack like a normal person so he made a pig sty of a mess while looking for his clothes and boots.

I lay down in bed beside h who was asleep for awhile wishing this would go away.
So after a few hours I woke up in a panic knowing h was soon to leave for airport. I decided I wasn't going to tell him I saw his truck at bar and was stalking him.
So I just tried to sit quietly and shut my mouth, but of course that was short lived as soon as he told me when he comes back he will probably move in with his 23 yr old niece.
All coaching went out the window as I calmly told him " please don't do this""I won't bother you, I will give you lots of space". He left with just telling me "we'll see".

Dreading his return and trying to brace myself


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Update:

H came home from trip and didn't immediately pack a bag and move out yet as he threatened . Is this even a small victory?

Woke up today feeling angry at h for some things he has recently said or done that I am just now letting sink in.

A couple weeks ago we were casually talking about neighbor lady that he is at the least having an ea with.

I pulled her aside and had a talk with her thinking she might just be needing someone to talk to, and since h claims they are just friends that maybe being a w and mother herself I could make her understand her presence around my h, there phone calls, her familiarity around him upsets me.

After our talk she seemed relieved that we got it out in the open, but after that she really has never spoke much to me again.

So she stops hanging out in garage with my h after that unless I was working all day, and one day he says to me that he Misses her because he loves her as his friend.
Really? He has only told me ilybnilwy in recent memory.

Tells me I'm boring and evil but talks normal to anyone else without hostility as he does me

So I am not engaging conversation much with him right now as I need to seriously work in gal, but I did need to find out if his plane would arrive yesterday (if his business was finished) or on other day and he wasn't calling me. Dd was home alone last night while I went to downtown function and I called him to ask if he had taken the 9pm plane, tell him I was gone but fed dd and before I got out 2 words he angrily says

"Can I get off the f-ing plane?" And hangs up one

So he loves and Misses ow but I'm boring
He talks with kindness and general goodwill to his friends and family or even a stranger but I get hissed at and hung up on.

Feeling hopeless and angry this am


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Ok !

I'm sitting here feeling a strong desire to bring up something that my husband is doing to me, he is talking to his mother right now, been talking 10 minutes about his trip last week. Telling her every little aspect of each day he was away. Laughing and being friendly . You know I talked to him as we'll about his trip and he said one little sentence.


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I don't get it. It doesn't seem like he's doing anything TO you. He's just talking to his mom. It's actually none of your business what he talks to her about since it doesn't concern you.

You're still trying to control things. You want to force him to talk to you more. Let it go.


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Actually I just would like to be talked to as nicely as he does everyone else is all.

He deliberately talks in a hatefull mean spirited tone on purpose. Makes me sad is all.


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The other day, we were discussing his trip and it was like pulling teeth. He talked to meat be 2 min and told me I was boring so I said goodby. But he just talked about the same thing to someone else and was open and willing and friendly.

Tells me he is
Sabatogeing all effects to make anything better.


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Originally Posted By: stresse
Cont:

Came back in the early morning to find house torn up , overturned hampers and stuff strung out from closet all over floor. H is leaving this morning on work trip so he had needed to pack. I'm guessing he was drunk and couldn't pack like a normal person so he made a pig sty of a mess while looking for his clothes and boots.

I lay down in bed beside h who was asleep for awhile wishing this would go away.
So after a few hours I woke up in a panic knowing h was soon to leave for airport. I decided I wasn't going to tell him I saw his truck at bar and was stalking him.
So I just tried to sit quietly and shut my mouth, but of course that was short lived as soon as he told me when he comes back he will probably move in with his 23 yr old niece.
All coaching went out the window as I calmly told him " please don't do this""I won't bother you, I will give you lots of space". He left with just telling me "we'll see".

Dreading his return and trying to brace myself


Hello stresse.
I'm very sorry you find yourself in this sitch. We've all been there and it hurts like nothing else.
What your h is doing is projecting a bunch of bs onto you; standard m.o. He's doing this because he has to try to make you the bad guy.

Just detach; don't try to start a conversation at all right now. If he tries to bait you, and he will, just give neutral, very brief answers:

"I have some decisions to make."
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"I understand."

Then, clam up! Find something to busy yourself; don't hide in your room with a bunker mentality. Do not defend, get angry, cry, beg...well, you know.

H doesn't like it when you talk? Then don't talk. Screw it.
He is just looking to provoke you so he can slap you down.

These WAS are very cruel; this is not unusual so try not to take it personally.

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Thank you , just trying to understand


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Stresse

Welcome to the nonsense, you will be blamed for everything and are pretty much the punching bag. I am fairly new to this too. Learn to detach and gal. It is hard and you will make errors but hard ad it may be just move on. I call it piss off, meaning piss off it and delete it. Try not to dwell on things. It is very hard to do, but I have found it hurts me more if I dwell on what h has done.

This is the time for you and your kids. Enjoy them!

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Originally Posted By: stresse
Thank you , just trying to understand


We all want to understand; to know "why?" thinking we could fix things if we only knew, "why?"
I made myself nuts over the "why?"
I know it hurts and is frustrating that here is no answer to this question.

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Update:

Well since last week I am again puzzled over h actions.

He has initiated r talk a little telling me basically not to question him to death, he hates that and I don't need to say things over and over. When I do this he takes it like I think he's stupid and my tone is making him feel like I'm talking to h like a child.
Also he spent thurs night watching tv with me, initiated ml, snuggled, spent fry night with me , I had a beer with him and he got drunk, no fighting and seemed like old times.
Sat night ow I think he's in ea with was hanging around when I came home from work.
She lives across the street and has started d against her husband.

I actually talked to her about why I think what I do between my h and her, she said she was sorry and didn't mean any harm but that she didn't have anyone to talk to.

Ask me why I don't have coffee with her, told me she is not interested in my h that way.
Said she hopes we are able to sort things out (me and h).


H was drunk and standing there listening to our conversation and starts tellingly me that she is his friend and I need to except this.

That I am more than welcome to hang out with them and that he is not doing anything wrong.
Than he says "I'm going to give my friend a hug" and hugs her. I think he did it to get a rise out of me .


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We also went out sat night just the two of us, a few neighbors were maybe going but they opted out including ow (I think she's a ow?).

Got along fine, showed affection . Sunday we were supposed to go on family outing with d11, but one of his family members called and wanted him to work on her car. This is one of the things we always fought about.
He puts everyone else first and it seems me and d11 get the cumbs


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So on Sunday he is working on nieces car, everything's fine and im gal ing by cleaning house and doing bills while not saying anything to him about choosing to work on car instead of our planned family outing,

when I came to our cell phone bill i noticed he had gone way over on his minutes, so this prompted me to look at who he is calling so much . Well in my defense I have resisted all snooping since last week, and I really dont want to know who he spends his time talking to because it will cause me to be upset, and tempt me to bring it up to him.

So I see he calls ow lots and his niece, they do not have the same carrier so it really adds up, not to mention not exactly knowing if ow is real or because of the way he has been treating me I am obsessing.

I decide to tell h to watch his peak min , or maybe I can increase our monthly allowance so we dont get huge bill.
He of course takes offense to this, days he doesn't like me snooping his calls and suggest he get his own phone line.


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I have always paid our cell bill, we have been able to share very little minutes for like 8 years with not going over, so I don't see a problem with me speaking up about this to him.
But when he wants to get his own line as a solution it just tells me that he is not invested in our m, and is most concerned that he gets to talk to ow and whomever else as often as he likes. Also for 8 years I've paid this bill with no help from h, if he all of a sudden can afford his own line (just to be secretive), than why did he not offer to help me pay it all along? He make like 18 times as money as I do!


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Originally Posted By: MrBond
I don't get it. It doesn't seem like he's doing anything TO you. He's just talking to his mom. It's actually none of your business what he talks to her about since it doesn't concern you.

You're still trying to control things. You want to force him to talk to you more. Let it go.


Yes I know , if I was detaching I wouldn't be concerned about comparing his tone to others against with me. Thanks for re-directing me back


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So today I woke up feeling angry and not so willing to except the ow and h mean angry tone and tongue lashings. I think I am going to pull back and try to follow my heart on what to do , how to interact for awhile.

I find I'm getting resentful going along with whatever he does or says and I'm loosing myself bit by bit. I'm afraid of saying things that will cause damage if I don't become scarce right now .


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New developments :

I have not talked about r
I have not been following h around or spending spare time with him much
I have been attempting following 180's
I have not ask him very many questions at all about anything

H has told me he loves me
H has at times initiated ml (mostly on weekends)
H said to mutual friends that he's not willing to destroy another marriage over the stress from his job? (Really, cause he told me 2 weeks ago he was done!!!!!
H is agreeable to plans for the summer and seems to be willing to remain committed to m.

Almost like hes trying to act as if he didn't tell me he wanted to divorce me, like he never said being in the same room with me makes him feel rage!


So he's flip flopping, or maybe he feels he went to far or maybe its alcoholism or the alien comes and goes.... I cant know what he's thinking or doing.
But it concerns me and I don't trust him, but will keep gal and following rules to see if it can further improve my life regardless .


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I have really taken a hard look at my feelings the past week, and really thought about h and our r and find myself starting to get angry and don't know what to do with it.
I might not talk to h about our r but I sure have been paying close attention to how he treats me, or talks to me, and I'm starting to feel like I am not important or respected and actually I think he is intentionally disrespecting me at times.
I don't know what he is thinking anymore, or what he wants because he has flip flopped from bd-ing to taking me out for a drink to ignoring me to initiating intimacy .
When we were in the bar last week, I watched him hug nearly every woman that he knows ( from neighborhood) to drunken barflys.

The barfly tried to kiss him and settled on licking his face instead when he tried to pull away.

He knows I don't like all this touchy drunken business he does , but even if most of them are my friends to, he makes me feel uncomfortable .

He always says he's an affectionate person or that they are his friends when I've brought it up that it bothers me.

Really? Cause he hardly will give me a hug, or any affection!

I started db-ing after he bd me in march, but since than he seems to be coming around slightly, or something that would go against what he said to me.

So I decided to let him initiate while I gal and follow sandy's rules,

If he wants my company than its ok
If he wants to ml than its ok
Still trying to not pursue him or any r talk

Kind of hard to know if im to take what he has already said as what he wants since he isn't acting like he wants a d.

But I'm starting to feel like enough is enough , and would like to be able to stand up for myself at times.


So confused as normal


Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 51
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stresse Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 51
Update:

Another week has gone by without any memorable interactions between h and I .
Except when I got home from work last sat he was gone, and when I called him he said he was across the street at ow house for a party, and I should come over.
Irritated that he left before I got home even though he called me questioning when I was leaving so we could go to her party together. This is the person that I feel/felt he was at least having some kind of ea with. I have talked to her a few times about it, as well as to h, but both say they are just freinds, with her actually saying she could never think of my h as more than a freind, and that is insulted that I would ask her that.

Anyway I choose to stay home and go to bed early instead of babysitting h at ow party.
We took d11 to the movies and dinner Sunday.

I guess things are better than in the last month or so, I don't understand exactley what happened and where we are now.
He is behaving as if things are ok with our r, and acts as if he never bomb'd me in march.
I have stopped all snooping, r talk, long talks filled with questions.
I do not hover, stalk, babysit, watch h.
I do not send emails or text all that much
I am acting as if everything is fine and dandy

H is still sort of rude to me, and short tempered.
H is still being flirtatious with other w (even though he knows it bothers me)
H said on that matter that (he is going to be himself, and there he is doing nothing wrong.



Oh well, going to still gal, and further work on my 180's


Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
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